Everything happens so fast.
One second I feel like I'm drowning, and the other I feel like I'm floating. I'm trapped in a strange limbo that I can't seem to understand because I feel pain in my head, in my back, in my arms. Pain everywhere.
The darkness around me is so crushing I feel the urge to scream, but my voice is non-existent in this dimension. However, my ear seems to work, because I get to hear voices everywhere; voices that fade away at times. The moment they disappear I find myself losing consciousness again; being alone again.
And I can't handle it any longer.
~
"Josh! Oh no, no! Oh SHIT! I'm sorry!"
"Are you guys alright!?"
"No! He's badly hurt."
"Should I call an ambulance? What do I do!? I didn't mean to crash him."
"Yes, yes, call an ambulance. Go!"
"Wait... you seem familiar. Aren't you those 22 pilots guys?"
"Are you seriously asking me this?"
"Dude, of course! I don't want to live with the fact that I ran over a celebrity."
"We are not celebrities! And you don't have to live with that fact. Let's do this: call an ambulance, help me carry him away from the public eye and I will send you a copy of our last album if you promise not to say anything."
"No thanks dude. I promise I won't say a thing, but don't send me that copy. No offence, but you guys kinda suc-"
"CALL THE AMBULANCE, DAMMIT!"
~
"Tyler! Are you alright?"
"Oh, Jenna. What are you doing here?"
"We got worried when we couldn't find you both anywhere! I heard an ambulance and I ran over here because I was scared something happened to you. Where's Josh?"
"It's my fault, Jenna."
"What are you talking abo-? Oh. Oh no. Josh! What happened to him?"
"He saved my life."
"WHAT!?"
"A car was going to ran over me so he pushed me and now he is..."
"Aw, Tyler, come here. Stop crying. It's not your fault. When did this happen?"
"I don't know. I already lost track of time."
"It's ok. The ambulance is here. He's gonna be alright, I promise."
"No, you don't understand. Nothing is alright."
"Then tell me everything. I need to know what happened."
~
"Get him in the stretcher! Alright, what do we have here?"
"A guy ran over him. He hit his head really hard."
"Not only his head. His whole body is bruised."
"I see. Get him in the ambulance. Quick!
"WAIT! That's my friend! I need to be by his side."
"Sir, I'm sorry, but it's better if you don't. Your girl friend over there told us it's better if we don't drag attention to him."
"Please, I beg you. I don't want to leave him."
"We will take care of him. Now, please back off."
"Tyler, come here. Listen to them."
"Jenna, please convince them. I don't what to lose Josh."
"Now you're walking a mile in his shoes."
~
"Josh. It's me, Tyler. If you're hearing this, stay alive. You can do this, bud."
~
"We have a band to take care of. We have a friendship to take care of. You can't just leave me."
~
"Is it too late to apologize? I was out of my mind when I said those things to you, and I'm sure you didn't mean what you said back to the day of my own accident."
~
"I'm so sorry."
~
"Stay with me. Please."
~
An ear-piercing, high-pitched sound wakes me up.
It forces my eyes open, but as soon as I'm awake a bright light stabs my eyeballs. It takes me a minute or two to get used to this strange surrounding. When I assure I'm completely awake - even thought, I have to admit, a little dizzy - a sense of panic invades me.
Where am I? Why can I hear that noisy heart monitor? Is this a hospital? Are we back to the hospital? Tyler hasn't wake up from his coma yet?
I hold my breath.
Tyler.
I'm about to scream his name as soon as I remember everything - the road, the car, the fight - but my body seems to have shut down. Frustrated, I raise my head slowly and painfully (jeez, why does everything suddenly hurt?) and find myself lying on a hospital bed.
So this is where I ended up, huh?
I feel a lump on my left leg and when I turn my head to understand what's happening I freeze. On my side I see Tyler sleeping on top of my leg, his back rising and falling peacefully. I let out a long sigh, incredibly grateful at the fact that he doesn't seem hurt.
A wave of happiness fills me: he's fine, he's wasn't part of that car crash, unlike me. Tyler seems to have fallen asleep next to his ukulele, which, by the way, feels heavier than his head. I don't want to wake him up, but my leg is starting to feel numb, so I nudge his head slowly and watch him groan anxiously.
He raises his head and rubs his eyes. When he finally opens them, he stares at me for a few seconds until he realizes I'm looking at him. He holds his breath.
"Josh. Oh. Oh God. You're awake!" He says excitedly and proceeds to hug me, but when he does this my body sparkles with pain. I let out a groan and Tyler releases me. "Shit, sorry."
I rub my eyes and let out a soft laugh. "Hey bud." I whisper weakly.
Tyler smiles at me. He's wearing a yellow hoodie I have never seen on him before, and his hair is running in all directions. He looks as if this was the first time he has slept in days.
Which leaves me wondering.
"How long have I been unconscious?" I ask him, whispering again since my throat is aching.
"Three days, I guess." Tyler shrugs. "The crash wasn't that bad, but you still went trough a lot." He rubs his nape and looks away. "You remember it, right?"
I nod. In that moment, something licks my right hand, and I move it away, panic rising to my chest. To my surprise, I see a golden retriever pup in a vest sticking his little tongue out, and I can't help but feel excited.
"Jim!" I say and the dog jumps on top of my chest, making me squeak in pain. He licks my face and I laugh.
"He was missing you a lot." Tyler says, smiling a little. "I suggested they brought him here, and since he's a service dog nobody complained."
"Thank you." I say between giggles. "I see you also brought the ukulele."
He grabs the instrument and blushes. "Josh, can we talk?"
"Uh, yeah I guess." I gently push Jim away and he flops next to me, his head on top of my chest.
Tyler rubs his nape again, looking embarrassed. "The things I said about you not being my best friend, and about me writing depressive lyri-"
"Ty, it's okay." I smile at him. "I know you didn't mean them. I have been in this situation before."
"No." He shakes his head. "No. Please, just listen." He sighs. "I did mean them. The things I said about myself only. I was acting self-destructive because I was scared of being trapped, and I hated that feeling. I hated the image of me before the accident, and I hated the image of me with amnesia. I was so focused on remembering that I forgot about those around me, and when I heard your apologize I lost it." His voice breaks. "I felt useless, Josh. I remembered what you said to me that day and I remembered how lost I was feeling because I didn't know how to calm you down. I preferred to leave and be angry than live with the fact that I couldn't help you."
I raise my finger to say something but Tyler cuts me off. "That's why I said those thing on the road. My mind was running wild and the only thing circling it was: 'Well shit, if I can write lyrics that have the power to save, then why can I save the people that get me going every day?' I wasn't conscious of that feeling until now." He shakes his head. "I'm sorry Josh. I'm really, really, sorry. My accident wasn't your fault, it was mine."
He stops and rubs his face. Jim lets out a soft squeak, noticing Tyler's sadness, but doesn't move. On the other hand, I'm speechless. It's amazing how he got to apologize so fast, and it took me a whole month to talk with him about my feelings.
"Tyler," I bite my lip. "Ty, come here." I stretch my arms in his direction and he comes closer, leaving the ukulele aside. Now that he's close enough I make a huge effort to wrap my arms around him and embrace him in a big hug while I ignore the pain it gives me. A few second later Tyler is crying, and I let him do it. We have gone through the enough already to not let him show this little sign of vulnerability. Of being human.
"Hey," I rub his head, which is buried on my chest right now, next to Jim's. "let's stop blaming ourselves for everything that has happened, okay?" He keeps sobbing, so I keep talking. "You can't save everyone, Tyler. That doesn't make you useless. Look, you saved Leah, isn't that enough already?" I bury my face in his hair. "Besides, you already saved me. What would I be right now if it weren't for you? A little struggle hasn't killed anybody."
"Actually it almost killed us both, Josh." Tyler giggles between sobs.
"Alright, yes." I laugh, my ribs aching. "But we are okay right now, and we will be okay then. That's all that matters." I feel Tyler calming down and I bite my lip. "But if this helps: I forgive you, buddy. Will you forgive me too? I mean, I ruined your birthday."
Finally, Tyler raises his head and focuses his bloodshot eyes on mines. "You don't have to ask me. I already did. I did it the second you pushed me away from that car." He sniffs and rubs his eyes. "Which, by the way, I didn't saw coming. I swear it wasn't my intention to be part of another accident."
"Thanks God." I say. "I didn't want to lose you a second time in a row."
We stay in silence. The only sounds I can hear are the heart monitor and Jim's panting.
"I have two questions." I break the silence between us. "1) What happened to the driver? And 2) How's your memory going? I see you a lot more confident about it."
"Oh." Tyler doesn't seem ready to answer any of those. "Well, the driver accepted not to tell anybody about the accident, but he's awaiting for news about your recovery. He's a pretty good guy, even though he hates our band." He sniffs again. "And about my memory, well, a lot of things happened: everything that happened the day of the accident clicked inside my mind, from the concert to Leah's father. That's the day I had most trouble remembering because I was unconsciously repressing it, but now that the cat's out of the box a lot of things makes sense now. I had some help, though: a doctor is giving me some sort of therapy to help me make sense about memories I still struggle with." He breathes in and rolls his eyes. "And we hired a vocal coach."
I smirk. "Really? That's good!"
"Yes." His annoyance makes me laugh. "I considered what you said, and I really wanna keep singing. So Jenna hired the coach and now everything's normal again."
Everything's normal again.
"Tyler," I say. " let's promise something: we are not hurting each other ever again. It's clear that every time we fight someone gets in a life-or-death situation."
My friend smiles so bright I feel so much joy looking at him. "Promise."
Without even thinking about it, we find ourselves doing our famous handshake, which is held perfectly and smoothly. When it's done, I look at him in surprise.
"You remember the handshake!"
Tyler blushes. "I have watched the Stressed Out video too many times." He stops suddenly and stands up from the chair he's sited on. "I just remembered! I have something to show you."
He rushed to the front of the hospital room, which I didn't recognize until now, and grabs a huge backpack from the floor. He heads towards me and puts the backpack on the edge of the bed, and retrieves from it a notebook. He passes me the notebook and I take it, feeling confused.
"While you were unconscious I also remembered something: the same day of the accident: I called Jenna to talk her about a surprise I had for you, but you almost heard us so I had to hang up. Anyway, it was just a work in progress, but now that I had some time alone I continued it." He eyes the notebook excitedly.
I open it and read what Tyler wrote in its pages. His handwriting was so messy I had trouble reading it (was he learning to write again?) but what catches my attention are the pictures he has glued: vultures, an occasional cheetah and several other things I don't understand fill the majority of the pages, and in a corner he has written "TRENCH", in bright yellow Sharpie.
I look at him, curiosity filing my voice. "What on Earth is this?"
Tyler can't hold his excitement when he opens his mouth. "I have an idea for a new album."