𝘛𝘩𝘦 𝘧𝘢𝘭𝘭𝘦𝘯 · 𝘵𝘩𝘦 𝘩𝘶𝘯𝘥𝘳𝘦𝘥 ¹

𝟏.𝟐𝟑

『 𝐈 𝐝𝐨𝐧'𝐭 𝐫𝐞𝐚𝐥𝐥𝐲 𝐩𝐫𝐚𝐲
𝐛𝐮𝐭 𝐈'𝐦 𝐩𝐫𝐚𝐲𝐢𝐧𝐠 𝐭𝐡𝐚𝐭 𝐲𝐨𝐮 𝐧𝐞𝐯𝐞𝐫 𝐥𝐨𝐨𝐤 𝐚𝐰𝐚𝐲,
𝐣𝐮𝐬𝐭 𝐭𝐞𝐥𝐥 𝐦𝐞 𝐭𝐡𝐚𝐭 𝐲𝐨𝐮'𝐥𝐥 𝐬𝐭𝐚𝐲 』

- 𝘥𝘰 𝘺𝘰𝘶 𝘮𝘪𝘯𝘥 -

𝘾𝙧𝙖𝙣𝙠𝙙𝙖𝙩, 𝙎𝙝𝙔𝙗𝙚𝙖𝙨𝙩

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     Relief was an understatement. I doubted I had ever felt like that before; when I opened my eyes and looked up to find Sam's boring into mine, a smile on her lips like she hadn't been dead minutes prior. I couldn't find a feeling strong enough to express what was going through my head. But relief seemed to be the closest one.

Sam's laughter filled my ears as I picked her up. I wouldn't lie and say that having her warm skin against mine didn't feel good, especially when the last time I had picked her up she was as cold as stone. I thought she'd die in my arms. Washing away her blood was something I never wanted to do again. Abby had sent me out of Medbay a second time to clean up, saying Sam would take a while to wake up. I knew what she meant was that I needed a shower. And not only because I was covered in mud and probably smelled like death, but because Sam's blood was dry on my clothes and my skin.

I had hated it, seeing myself in the mirror. Her blood splattered all over me, hitting the counter as I struggled to get it all off after it had dried. I hated it but I was glad I had done it; I didn't want Sam to ask me about it because I knew her. I knew guilt would crowd her brain and I hated that even more than I hated the feeling of ripping my skin off from rubbing it vigorously against the red sponge.

    "I didn't think I'd see you again." Her voice was calm and gentle as I put her on the bed, having closed the door with my foot. "But I'm so glad you are alive. I know you weren't ready to die. I was so ready to die, to let go... I was at peace."

    "Sam..."

I kneeled in front of her as she remained sat; I didn't want to hear it. I didn't want her to go on and on about how she was okay with her time being cut short because, even if it was selfish, I was not ready to lose her. Something told me I'd never be. I didn't want to either.

    "But when I was looking at the sky, waiting for the fire to free me, I thought of you." She stroked my cheek and I closed my eyes, unable not to lean into her touch. "I remembered you not wanting to leave me and I wished you'd remember my blood was not on your hands. Never was, never will. Alright?"

    "I know it was your decision," I opened my eyes to meet hers. "But leaving you there wasn't easy. Finn had to push me away because I almost went back to you a couple of times."

    "I'm glad you didn't because chances are you'd have died."

    "I could have taken you with me and that Grounder wouldn't have taken you." I glanced at her wounded neck, gulping as I saw the bandage under which my worst nightmare resided. "I could have saved you from all this."

    "Then Finn would have gotten himself killed; with his luck, I'm sure he would have found his way to that Grounder even if I hadn't been there. Okay, maybe he wouldn't be dead but he would have been tortured which, in my opinion, is much worse." She sighed, staying quiet for a moment. "The Grounder told me his plan." I could tell she was waiting for my reaction, so I took her hand in mine and squeezed it, prompting her to continue. "He was taking me to their Commander, and whoever that is, wants all of us dead. They want revenge."

    "So you were ready to die and let the Grounder take him?" I didn't want to sound as angry as I did but I was not understanding how that made the situation any better. "You'd die for nothing?"

    "I knew help was on the way just like I knew you'd find him. I trusted you would. I still do." It would never feel old hearing Sam said she trusted me, but that didn't mean this made any more sense to me. She seemed to understand my unspoken questions, a smile on her lips, but it wasn't happy, it wasn't the smile I had grown to look forward to whenever I saw her, it was sad, apologetic. "Finn told me he wouldn't make it so I did what I thought was best. I'm aware of what he means to Clarke and I know how much Raven needs him because, even if she pretends she isn't bothered, even if she sleeps around and tries to act tough... I know Raven. I couldn't do that to her; I couldn't choose myself over him and–"

    "But you were ready to leave me." I protested in disbelief as I stood up; a bullet would have hurt me less than the words that came out of her mouth. I let go of her hand, moving away to the door as much as she called for me. I couldn't do this. "No, Samantha. I understand."

    "No, you don't!" She rose her voice, my feet glued to the spot. "What I'm trying to say is that I know you; you are stronger than they are, I've seen it."

    "But what if I'm not?" I turned around, sad eyes looking into mine. "What if I'm just pretending to be?"

    "Bell, come here." She patted the bed next to her. "Please." I should have left, but her eyes on mine were like a magnet, so I gave in, moving back to her and sitting beside her. "You don't need me to survive down here and we both know that."

    "You are right. I don't need you to survive." I saw the change in her posture as she didn't try to hide it, not waiting to hear all I had to say, closing her eyes and moving her hands to her knees, rubbing her skin with her thumbs. "Sam, look at me. I am not finished."

    "No."

    "Fine, then just listen." I cleared my throat. "It is true, I don't need you to survive down here; I don't need anyone for that matter and neither do you. But I need you to live and–"

    "You don't know what you are saying, Bellamy." She cut me off as her body tensed.

    "Like hell, I don't." I raised my voice unintentionally, anger cursing through my veins, fists clenched. I hated that she couldn't just... listen to me. Listen to all I had to say. All I wanted to say and believe me. Trust that I cared about her more than she wanted me to. More than I was ready to admit. She rose her eyes to meet mine but I couldn't read them. "I was trying to make up my mind, trying to let go of the pain I felt knowing I had left you to die, thinking you had died with the fire. It wasn't easy at all. Leaving you there to die? That broke me inside, Sam, but that was it: you were gone and I had to keep going. But then I saw you there, with the Grounder and Finn, and when he cut your neck..."

My fists clenched as the images of that moment played back in my head. I desperately wanted to forget all about it: Sam on her knees, clothes stuck to her body that I knew were soaking with her blood, the knife to her neck... Watching the Grounder throw her to the side. Unmoving. I knew I'd have a hard time forgetting about it if I ever managed to forget at all. I shook my head, trying to focus again.

    "I saw you there and I stopped thinking. I shot the Grounder but was out of bullets. He beat me up and I let him. If you were dead right there in front of my eyes, again, that had to mean something; I left you to die and it was my fault you got hurt, I should've been the one to die. It was my time but you stepped in, willing to give your life for mine... If you died because of me, because of the choices I made..." I sighed, gulping as I looked down. "There is no reason for me to outlive you, Sam."

I looked up as I felt her moving, turning her body around to face me. I could tell she was in pain as she clenched her teeth for a second. I moved my hand to her waist to hold her up, her own moving to hold onto my arm as she breathed through parted lips. I wished she didn't need to be this strong.

    "Don't say that." She finally spoke, her free hand on my face making me look at her. "Octavia needs you."

    "She has Lincoln now." I shook my head, unable to look at her, wishing she'd drop it. "I know he'll take good care of her. You wouldn't trust him otherwise."

    "She may have someone else now, but that doesn't mean she'll stop needing you." Her thumb rubbed over my cheek. "You are her brother, Bell, and it's not even that you're blood because sometimes blood isn't enough, but you two have a bond I've never seen before. I envy that, honestly."

    "She'll have gotten over it."

    "Ok, now you are just being dramatic, Blake." She chuckled softly, moving her hands back from me. "For that matter, you'd have gotten over me."

    "You are not understanding a single word of what I'm saying, Sam."

    "I am." As I finally rose my face to meet her eyes, she moved hers away. "I'm just trying to brush it off and avoid the conversation."

    "Then you can keep doing that, but I'm going to say all I have to say either way."

    "You like things the hard way, don't you?"

She tilted her head my way, eyebrows raised at me, a smile on her lips as I shook my head, trying to fight back my own smile but failing. But I had to get serious. This was serious. I took a deep breath, resting my hands on her thighs.

    "You were dead, Sam. I thought I'd lost you. Forever. Seeing you lying there, still, made me realize how much I care about you."

I knew Sam knew I wasn't the most vocal person when it came to delving into my feelings but there were things I needed to say. Things I needed for her to hear. She nodded, her hands on my legs, squeezing just over my knees as if letting me know we had all the time in the world. I needed a second, rubbing my thumbs over the bit of skin showing from her thighs as if I were stirring my thoughts, trying to make sense of them.

    "I know you are reckless, Sam. I know you always put others before yourself, even if that means getting hurt... or worse." I sighed, looking down for a second as I tried to push away every image engraved in my brain from each time I watched her get hurt before I met her eyes again. "And I understand why you do that. You are trying to make up for what happened on the Ark. You've conditioned yourself to be just that: the one who will always take the fall, no matter the situation." I took her hands in mine. "And I understand and I know I can't change your mind." I sighed. "I didn't know what to tell you that day but I do now. It wasn't your fault, Sam. Your grandma's death is not on you."

Sam let her head fall back, eyes closed, watching as she relaxed her jaw. I knew this was a touchy subject and the last thing I wanted to do was make Sam uncomfortable but she needed to know I understood. She needed to know how strong I thought she was.

    "I didn't know I needed to hear all that out loud until now."

    "Sometimes we need someone from the outside to tell us what's in front of us, even if I know that, deep down, you know." She nodded. "I think you're so strong Sam. What you've been through, what you've survived... I don't think I've ever met someone as resilient as you are."

    "I'm just stubborn and bad at dying."

    "Please, stay this way." I squeezed her hands. I don't want to lose you. "Maybe less self-sacrifice and more self-preservation."

    "Thank you." A small smile on her lips as her gaze found mine. "For everything."

    "You don't have to."

    "Yes, I do. Thank you for saving me that day we were looking for Jasper. Thank you for putting up with my shit, my stubborn ass, my sarcasm, and my recklessness... Thank you for just letting me be. Thank you for knowing I'm self-destructive and still being around me."

    "We are both self-destructive, Sam, just in different ways." I let go of one of her hands, moving my own to take her chin. "And so, as I was saying, I understand why you do everything you do because we are not that different. We would both die for the people we care about and love." A thankful look in her eyes as the comfortable silence I knew around her fell around us, just looking at her, allowing my thumb to caress her skin as she didn't move away from me. "What I'm trying to say is that not only do I trust you but I also care about you, Sam. You need to understand that, alright?"

    "I do understand that. I care more about you than I led on and I am happy to know you care about me just as much but, honestly, a part of me wishes you wouldn't."

I furrowed my eyebrows, letting go of her face, searching her eyes for something, anything that could let me in her head, guide me to know exactly what she was thinking, what she meant. Find a glint of something I had come to recognize in her eyes from every other time we had had a similar conversation to this one in more ways than I could count as if, somehow, that'd make its outcome be something different than what we already knew. As I found it, I relaxed my face, a smile on her lips as she recognized the realization washing over me.

    "Sam, you don't stop caring about someone just because they tell you to."

    "I'm not telling you to stop caring about me and I'm not going to pretend I don't enjoy the privilege." She smiled, a smirk on my lips that took as little to dissolve as it had to appear. "What I'm asking you is to promise me you won't die for me."

    "Sam–"

    "Promise me you won't put yourself in danger because of me. You are too damn important, Bellamy."

    "You are important too, Sam, I need you to stop acting like you're just another pawn."

    "Maybe I've become important for you, and that makes me really happy, but we've talked about this; I'm not a leader, I never wanted to be one. I'm... I don't know what I am but I'm for sure not essential personnel. But you are."

    "Don't say that."

    "It's alright, Bell. I know where I don't belong and that's fine with me."

It hurt me so deeply hearing Sam talk about herself like that: like she wasn't important; like her existence didn't matter to the world; like her death wouldn't mean anything to anyone. I knew she meant well but she was failing to see herself as we all saw her. As I saw her. Our lives were not a game of chess and, even if they were, she was the last thing from an expendable pawn. Sam could never be replaced.

    "You belong with me." I blurted out before I could think any better of it.

    "I'll always be with you." She smiled, tilting her head. "But one day I may do some dumb shit or risk my life for someone else's and end up dead. You need to know that. I know you want to save me but the only one that can do that is me. And we've already established I'm not really good at it."

    "I know that. I'll always be here for you." I took her hand in mine, rubbing the back of it. "Octavia and you are the only reason I'm still here."

Her smile grew impossibly bigger, letting go of my hand and hugging me, resting her head on my shoulder. I pulled her closer to me, making her sit on my lap, finding comfort in an action I had come to know so well.

    "I'm just so happy you are alive."

    "Same goes for you." I smiled, allowing my nose to rub against her neck. "But you need to rest now. So lie back down and don't waste energy, alright?"

I pulled back as much as all I wanted was to stay with her, caressing her cheek with my hand before raising from the bed and moving towards the door, choosing to let her rest alone in peace before she kicked me out.

    "Stay."

I stopped moving and turned around, furrowing my eyebrows as I looked at her, surprised by her statement but not finding hesitation in her face.

    "You... want me to?"

    "You know I wouldn't ask if I didn't. I just got you back, I'm not about to let you go."

    "You must have truly lost a lot of blood because you are expressing a lot of emotions very fast." I smiled moving back to her.

    "Well, excuse me but I wear my heart on my sleeve, I'm a freaking open book." I raised an eyebrow at her as I took off my boots. "Well, alright, fine, maybe I'm not that great at expressing my feelings with words but I do show them, you know?"

    "Oh, yeah, sure." I nodded after glancing at her, trying to hold back my laughter. "An open book, that's basically your middle name."

    "Well, your sister understood me perfectly back in the woods." She crossed her arms over her chest. "Maybe you are just not that good at reading people."

    "I truly am no good at reading you, that's for sure. But I do know you love Octavia."

    "You'll learn." She laughed as I sat cross-legged facing her. "I truly do. She's like a sister to me, I'm just no good at saying it out loud. I love you is hard to say when you truly mean it."

    "It is."

    "I should have told her."

    "She knows."

    "Still." She furrowed her eyebrows with conviction. "That's the first thing I'm telling her next time I see her. It's settled. I need to tell her before I get myself killed or I'll regret it."

    "Well, calm down now. You are not getting yourself killed anytime soon. You are staying in here, without moving, until further notice." I argued placing my hands on her shoulders, making sure she kept her eyes on mine. "Understood?"

    "You sure have a lot of faith, my friend."

    "I do." I smiled as her laughter took over the room. "Now, to bed, Sam."

    "I still have a question."

    "What is it?"

    "Whose blood was that? Who was lying around all perfectly for me to borrow their blood?"

    "You're aware blood donations are always anonymous, right?"

    "Bellamy, this is not the Ark and I highly doubt they came down with a stock of blood ready to use just for me." She pursed her lips for a moment before narrowing her eyes. "What do you know that I don't."

    "Why do you want to know?"

    "I think we'll both agree I ought to thank whoever helped you save my life, correct?"

    "And how are you going to do that?" I smirked. "Will you let them choose how you can properly thank them?"

    "Jealous, Blake?" A smirk on her lips that could've matched my own. "Eager to show me that advanced class?"

    "I can't be jealous of myself."

It was true, that was my blood running through her veins now. Abby had come out of medical after an hour or so to let me know how things were going; she told me Sam had lost a lot of blood and would need a transfusion. I offered myself to be the first tested to see if we were compatible; luckily, we were, so I sat in Medical beside her, allowing Jackson to start taking the blood from me as Abby kept taking care of Sam.

    "Bellamy, I..."

Her eyes widened as she processed my words, first shook, then realization, then relief, practically throwing herself at me, wrapping her arms around my neck as I smiled, pulling her closer to me. Abby could have asked anything from me to save Sam and I'd have given it to her without a second thought. Partly because I felt like I owed it to her; after all, she got hurt for coming out of the dropship to help me. The resting percentage that made my impulsive decision was having realized that I'd rather lose anyone but Sam. Not my sister, of course, but myself as well.

    "Just don't go get wounded again and drop all my blood on the ground."

    "We are more compatible than what I'd have ever imagined." She chuckled resting her chin on my shoulder, feeling her hard grip on my jacket relaxing, one of her palms resting on the side of my neck and the fingers of her other hand tangling on the hair at the back of my neck. "Thank you, Bell."

    "Sam–"

    "Why do you always have to ruin the moment?" She chuckled leaning back and looking at me. "And also, a perfectly good hug?"

    "Because you don't have to thank me for–"

    "Shh." She placed her hand over my mouth, making me smile. "Listen, not only did you save my pretty much dead ass, but you also gave me your blood. I know donating blood was not that big of a deal in the Ark, but down here it is." She placed her hand on my shoulder again. "You and I both know you need every last drop of it to stay alive and you went ahead and gave it to me. I'll never be able to repay you for that, Bellamy. I owe you my life, literally."

    "I owe you mine." I moved my hands to her hips. "A couple of lives I owe you." She furrowed her eyebrows. "You most probably saved my life that day at the clearing and also saved my life by jumping into the dropship at the last second when Murphy wanted to kill me."

    "Wells killed the panther, I did nothing."

    "You threw yourself at me even though you couldn't stand me. You risked your life to try and save mine. That counts as one."

    "It does not. You rolled us over so you could have died saving my life. Ergo, it doesn't count." She shook her head. "I didn't save your life with Murphy either. I did nothing back there. You'd have made it out of that one on your own."

    "I'm not so sure. You also saved my life by risking yours yesterday. You were safe in the dropship and you still chose to come back for me. I'm alive because of you, Sam. You saved yourself by saving me."

    "Oh, please." She rolled her eyes. "Of course, I obviously went back for you because I knew this," she pointed at her body, "was going to happen."

    "Of course, you did." I chuckled.

    "Don't be ludicrous, please. I told you I wasn't going to leave you behind and I didn't."

    "Thank you."

    "No, thank you for saving my sarcastic ass today."

    "Anytime." I kissed her forehead, the realization of how close she was and how long we had been talking hitting me. "Now get some rest."

    "Alright, fine." She moved her hands from my neck, smiling as I didn't move mine from her, a teasing tone to her words. "You have to let go of me, Bell."

    "I'm just so glad you are alive. I can't help but think if I let go, you'll disappear."

    "Why would the thought of running away from the man who just saved my life even cross my mind?"

    "I hope you'll keep that in mind next time you think about doing something stupid and reckless." I moved my hands to the back of her bare thighs to raise us both from the bed.

    "Can't promise I will but I'll try."

    "Wouldn't have you any other way." I smiled, kissing her cheek before I let go of her as I lowered her back onto the bed.

    "Oh, how the tables have turned, huh." She smiled lying on her side, a playful look in her eyes. "Now you are kissing me."

    "You're saying that like I haven't done it before. Maybe not your cheek but I've grown used to kissing your forehead when you aren't being annoying. So not very often."

    "Ha-ha, you're so funny." She glared at me, pushing down my need to bust out laughing at the sight. "Fine."

    "You know I know what you meant." I smiled settling next to her. "I hope you don't mind it, though."

    "If I minded you kissing or touching me without permission, you'd have a black eye by now." She laughed snuggling into my chest. "Something broken too probably."

    "I would hope you'd inform me before actually hurting me." I smiled as she nodded. "Now just rest, please. I got you." I wrapped my arms around her. "I'll be here when you wake up."

    "I hope you will."

    "I promise."

    "You get some sleep too, Bell." She moved her head, feeling her lips on my cheek. "You deserve it."

I nodded at Sam's words, feeling her rhythmic breathing against my chest. She fell asleep not long after. She must be exhausted. I looked down at her face, relaxed and soft features like I hadn't seen in her in a while, always a hint of tension during our last days around the camp. Stress had also become acquainted with Sam's face, especially after she confessed her crimes and mainly around me; I knew she had been afraid of my reaction, not only because I could read her posture but because Octavia had told me about it. About how afraid Sam had been when she told her about it. I wondered if anyone else knew who she was, her full story.

Her last conversation with Raven came to mind. How Raven had refrained from saying Sam's surname and how her eyes landed on me, how Sam informed her that I knew. So Raven knew but I had no clue if Sam had told her or Raven, being Raven, had somehow figured it out on her own. Neither would surprise me, especially seeing how close they had come to be. A feeling I came to recognize as jealously had made way to my chest as I watched them interact, how Sam asked Raven not to barbeque her because she was better fresh. Maybe they were closer than I anticipated.

At least I thought that way until Raven asked me to keep Sam safe but not only because of how she felt about her but also because you won't forgive yourself if she doesn't make it to see the sunrise again. We can't lose her. Neither of us. I wondered if Octavia had gone with her theories of my feelings for Sam to Raven. I had feelings for Sam, just not the ones they implied. Sam was a friend, an ally... someone I trusted more than I trusted myself at times. But that was it.

Sam shifted in her sleep, moving in my arms, a smile pulling on the corners of my lips. It was easy to tell she couldn't find the right position to sleep comfortably, probably because her body ached all over. I wasn't sure there'd be something that wouldn't hurt her and I wished I could take that pain away from her. I thought the best for her would be to sleep on her side, so that her stomach wound could catch a break and she wouldn't be resting on her back, aware of the bruises on her skin. I shifted my position first and laid on my back; then, I moved her carefully not to wake her up, settling her against my side making sure her neck wound was facing opposite to my body. I wrapped one arm around her waist and with the other I took her wounded leg and placed it over mines to support it and give a break to the wound on her thigh, running my fingertips over her skin, realizing she now would have a scar on each thigh.

    "I don't know what I would do if I were to lose you, Bell."

Her words caught me off guard, just like her movement, moving one of her arms over my body, placing her hand over my chest as her other arm moved under our pillows, smiling to myself as I glanced down at her, seeing she had her eyes still closed.

    "I thought you were asleep, Sam."

She didn't answer. She's probably just talking in her dreams. I smiled, managing to pull the covers over her body and closed my eyes, and, for the first time in a long time, I was able to properly rest, knowing it was all going to be okay. Knowing Lincoln was taking care of my sister and finding comfort in knowing Sam wouldn't have let him take her if she didn't trust him. Finding comfort too in knowing Sam was going to be okay. And maybe not everything was solved but this was a start. We had fallen together from the sky and we had risen holding onto each other. I could get used to this.