Author's Note:
Sorry to keep you waiting! I meant to update sooner but real life has been getting in the way. I'm almost done with the next chapter so expect that this week. Thank you for all the votes and comments...they always make my day! :)
-Nikki
::
Charlie
The heavy metal door swung shut behind me and I leaned back against it, taking in a deep breath before slowly letting it out. Daryl’s words rung in my ears. I could feel tears stinging behind my eyes, my throat tight. Deep down, I knew he hadn’t meant them. That he was just hurting and didn’t know how else to deal with what he was feeling. It still didn’t make what he said sting any less. All I could think about now was how he was going off after the Governor and there was no way of knowing what was going to happen out there. If those were the last words we ever said to each other…I let the thought trail off. I couldn’t let myself think like that. I took in one last deep breath. I had to hold it together.
I pushed myself off the door and walked around the corner, seeing Hershel and Gabe seated at one of the tables. Carol sat next to Gabe, holding his hand. She gave me a soft smile when she saw me and immediately stood, allowing me to take her place next to my brother. “How you holdin’ up?” I asked him quietly.
Gabe shrugged, but I could tell by the beads of sweat that dripped down his face and the paleness of his skin that he was in pain. “I keep telling everyone I’m fine. I didn’t even really get shot, it just grazed me.” That was just like Gabe. The tough guy act so we’d stop babying him.
“Maybe not, but it still hurt you pretty good. We’ll just have to be careful to change this bandage every couple of hours to keep infection out.” Hershel added. He finished wrapping Gabe’s leg and gently propped it up on one of the other chairs. “Probably best to take it easy for a little while.”
Gabe scowled at the floor and I wrapped my arm around his shoulders. “It could’ve been worse, Gabe. I’m glad you’re okay.”
His expression softened a little. “Yeah, I know. I just don’t like being useless.”
“You’re not useless. You’re injured. There’s a difference. Look at me, young man. Do I seem useless to you?” Hershel said, gesturing to his missing leg. He had an amused smile tugging at his lips.
Gabe shook his head. “No, sir.”
I smiled, giving Gabe a gentle squeeze before pulling my arm back. “Probably should try to fix up that fence outside again. Those walkers are getting a little too close for comfort.”
“I was just thinking that.” Glenn added. I turned over my shoulder to see he and Maggie had just walked into the room together. I felt my eyebrows knit together when I caught the huge grin they both were wearing. “We have something to say first…” He paused and looked at Maggie. “We’re married.”
I felt my mouth fall open. “What?”
“That’s wonderful! Congrats!” Carol was the first to stand up, engulfing them both in a motherly hug, Beth right behind them.
I felt a smile playing across my lips as I stood up. “I’m so happy for you! This is amazing!” I said in disbelief as Maggie pulled me in for a hug.
“It’s about time we got some good news around here.” I heard Hershel exclaim from behind me. When I looked at him, he had a knowing smile on his face that assured me Glenn had already let him in on the secret earlier.
I suddenly thought of Daryl, though, as I watched them. The last conversation we had replayed again in my head. Wasn’t it only yesterday we were as happy as Glenn and Maggie? How had things changed so quickly? I suddenly felt my feet pulling me out of the room and outside into the humid air. I walked around the side of the building where I leaned back against the wall and slid to the ground, pulling my knees into my chest. I felt like the world was caving in around me. The ‘what ifs?’ started crashing over me again and again. What if he didn’t come back, what if I never saw him again, what if he meant what he said? What if, what if, what if?
“You okay, honey?” Carol’s gentle voice broke through my thoughts.
I glanced up at her and saw her face fall as she looked down at me. “I’m fine.” I said, although the crack in my voice said otherwise.
“Clearly you’re not.” She said and a weak laugh escaped my lips. She took a seat next to me. “What’s going on?”
I shook my head. “It’s nothing. There’s so much worse happening that it feels selfish to sit here and tell you about my problems.”
Carol clucked her tongue disapprovingly. “You can’t just brush how you’re feeling under the rug and forget about it because there are other things going on. Trust me, sweetheart.”
For some reason it just made me feel worse that Carol was being so nice to me. I let out a sigh. “It’s everything. I feel like I haven’t had a chance to breath ever since Woodbury. One thing keeps happening right after another.” I began. Out of the corner of my eye I saw Carol nod in agreement. “Harlow died in cold blood, Merle basically sacrificed himself to give us a better chance, and Daryl is suddenly shutting me out all over again. You should have heard what he said to me, Carol. It was horrible.”
“That man loves you more than anything. Anyone with eyes can see that.” She said quietly. “Whatever he said, I think you know deep down he didn’t mean it for a second.”
“Doesn’t make it feel any better.” I sighed. “I can’t stop thinking what if those were the last words we ever said to each other? What if he doesn’t come back from chasing down the Governor and I have to live with the fact that the last thing we did was fight? I didn’t even tell him goodbye.” I felt myself choke on the last word as I fought back a wave of tears. I felt Carol take my hand in both of hers. I felt weak and selfish. She had already lost so much and here I was, being comforted by her.
“That’s not going to happen. They’re all going to come back just fine.” Carol argued gently. “Rick won’t let anything happen to any of them out there. Plus, Daryl’s better at survival than any of us.”
A ghost of smile flickered across my face. At least that was true. He’d had more than plenty of experience with survival, even before all of this. I leaned my head back against the wall, shutting my eyes. “I’m sorry, Carol. I don’t mean to be like this.”
“Don’t apologize, Charlie. You’re human. We can only take so much before we start to break.”
“I know. Like I said, it’s just been everything happening all it once and that fight with Daryl was like the last straw. Then on top of all that, I’ve been getting sick every morning and…and-“ I felt my eyes snap open, my pulse rocketing. Oh god, how didn’t I realize it before? I turned to Carol, my eyes wide. I realized how tightly I was suddenly gripping her hand. She was looking at me with a puzzled expression. My stomach lurched. “Carol…I’ve been getting sick every morning.” I repeated, this time more deliberately.
Carol shook her head, still not understanding. Then, finally, she froze. I watched as her eyes grew wide enough to match my own. “No, Charlie. You don’t think that you’re…” She trailed off, shaking her head again.
I swallowed hard. “Pregnant.” I finished for her, my voice barely above a whisper. I felt the panic suddenly building inside of me, threatening to make its way to the surface like a pot boiling over with hot water. “Oh god, I can’t be…I can’t be.” I muttered. It made too much sense, though. The cramping, the nausea, the constant tiredness, the moodiness. I pressed my hand against my flat stomach, spreading my fingers. I racked my brain, trying to calculate time. Had it really been long enough? It couldn’t have been. A voice in the back of my head argued, though. Of course it had been. And it wasn’t exactly like we’d been careful…”Oh my god.” I buried my face in my hands. All I could think about now was Lori…
“Charlie.” Carol’s fingers wrapped around my wrists, tugging my hands from my face. She was looking at me like a mother would, concern creasing her forehead. “Calm down. You can’t know that for sure.”
“So what do I do?” I asked shakily. It was dumb question, of course I knew what to do. It just scared the hell out of me to think about it.
“We need to get you a test. Until then, though, you need to keep your head straight.” She said soothingly, tucking a stray lock of hair behind my ear. She cupped my face in both her hands and forced me to turn and face her. “Okay?”
I nodded slowly, suddenly feeling numb. “Okay.” I heard myself say. She nodded and her hands fell into her lap.
“We’ll figure this out together.” She assured me.
“Just…please don’t tell anyone. Not until I know for sure. Not even Daryl.” I quietly asked. I expected to at least argue about keeping the secret from Daryl but she agreed almost right away.
“I won’t tell anybody. But the sooner we can make a run and find you a test, the better. If you are, it’s better not to wait.” Carol said. “No matter what, though, it’ll be alright. You’ll be alright.”
“You don’t know that for sure. Look at what happened to Lori-“
She cut me off quickly. “That was different, for a lot of reasons. You aren’t Lori.”
I forced myself to nod, taking in a deep breath. “Okay.” I said again.
Carol gave me a soft smile. “You aren’t alone in this. Remember that. Now let’s get inside before they start to worry.” She stood up from the ground, brushing her hands on the back of her jeans before reaching down to help pull me up.
I felt dazed as I stood to my feet. I had to reassure myself that Carol was right, I couldn’t know anything for sure. Not without proof. Still, though, it all made too much sense. My mom had told me that when she got pregnant with me, she knew it right away. Test or not, she had a gut feeling about it. Maybe it was stress, maybe it was panic or fear, but it felt like my instincts were trying to tell me the same thing.
::
It was everything I could do to keep busy for the next couple of hours. Anything to keep my mind occupied. It was almost impossible, though. How could I not think about Daryl out there, wondering what he was doing and whether or not they were all okay? Or about the possibility Carol and I had talked about and what I would do if I actually was…pregnant. I could hardly even think the word. Which was I was trying so hard not to.
We finished clearing out the yard of any straggling walkers and then did our best to repair the fences. It was a temporary fix, though, until we could think of something better. By the time I heard the familiar sound of a car engine, it was almost dusk. Maggie and I had taken Gabe outside for some fresh air. He said he was starting to feel like he was actually in prison. Carl eventually came out and sat at my feet. I absentmindedly ran my fingers through the soft hair on his head. He had been so quiet lately, not at all like the little boy I remembered meeting months ago. I supposed that had everything to do with losing his mother, and almost losing his father in a sense.
At the first sound of engines, he was up on his feet and racing towards the fence. I followed after him, lacing my fingers through the chain links as we watched the parade of vehicles slowly come into view. I felt relief flood through me when I saw Daryl on his motorcycle, leading the way up to the gates. My eyes trailed behind me, growing wide, when I caught sight of the school bus. Carl and I exchanged puzzled looks. Maggie was suddenly calling out to me and I raced to meet her at the gates, pulling them open as the vehicles all drove through before slamming them shut again. We all hung back as the engines shut off and Rick stepped off the bus. I could see dozens off faces pressed against the glass, looking back at us with a mix of curious and fearful expressions.
“Who are all these people, dad?” Carl asked.
“They’re from Woodbury. The Governor abandoned them all there, after slaughtering nearly half of ‘em on the side of the road. I had to take them in, Carl.” He explained.
“Great. More mouths to feed.” Carl said coldly before turning on his heel and running off back into the prison.
Rick glanced between Maggie, Glenn, and I. My hurt heart when I saw the bewildered, pained expression on his face. I stepped forward and placed a hand on his arm. “I trust your judgment, Rick. We have plenty of room here.”
“Yeah. We’ll just clean out one of the other of cellblocks. There’ll be more than enough space.” Glenn added with a nod.
Rick looked grateful as he turned around and started ushering people off of the bus. Almost every single one of them looked afraid and uncertain and I couldn’t help but feel bad for them. They had been following the orders of a madman for who knew how long, then suddenly been abandoned by him. I offered a kind smile to anyone who looked my way, but couldn’t help but feel surprised when Tyreese and Sasha stepped off the bus together. Sasha hung close to her brother, who looked my way and gave me a slight nod.
I watched as Rick led them into the prison before taking off to look for Daryl. I found him on the other side of the bus, wheeling his bike closer to the fence. I wanted to run to him and throw my arms around him, to be close to him after everything that had happened that day. Instead, though, I hesitated. “Did you find him?” I finally asked.
He turned around at the sound of my voice. I saw the pained expression in his eyes when he looked at me, but it quickly disappeared. “Not exactly. Found all the people he killed, though. Including Andrea.”
I pressed my hand over my mouth. “No.” I said in a muffled voice. I found myself suddenly wishing that the blonde woman hadn’t chosen to stay in Woodbury, that she had come back to the prison with us. Maybe we weren’t friends, but she didn’t deserve to die. Especially at the hands of that man. “Where did he go?”
Daryl shrugged. “No idea. Hopefully we won’t be seein’ him again, though.”
I nodded, silently agreeing. He turned his back on me then and I watched for a long minute as he tinkered with his bike. “Daryl.” I finally sighed. He paused at the sound of his name, but didn’t turn around. “We need to talk.”
“No, we don’t.” He answered almost right away.
The first thing I felt was hurt, again, but it was quickly replaced by frustration. “Yes we do. You can’t do this every time something happens that hurts you, any time you feel emotion. You can’t run away forever.”
He finally turned around to look at me, his expression stony. “Maybe not. I ain’t tryin’ to run away. I just…I need to deal with this on my own. I don’t need anybody flockin’ around me, tryin’ to make it all better.”
“Daryl, you know I’m not trying to do that. I’m just…I’m trying to be there for you.” I said quietly.
“I need to do this alone, Charlie.” He finally said after a long minute of quiet had lapsed between us. He headed off towards the prison, stopping for a minute next to me. He reached out a hand and brushed my bangs out of my eyes, looking at me with an unreadable expression. Then, the warmth of his hand and the rough callousness of his fingers was gone. I watched his retreating back, feeling monumentally worse than I had before.
“We’re goin’ on a run, Charlie. You staying or coming?” Maggie had stepped around the bus and was looking at me with an expectant expression. “We need more supplies if we’re gonna have this many new people.”
I hesitated before nodding. I so badly wanted to run after Daryl and make this right, but I was reminded of something else that I needed to do. “I’m coming.” I said. She nodded and I followed after her in the direction of the SUV. Glenn was in the driver’s seat and I was glad to see Carol sitting in the back. She gave me a concerned look as I climbed in next to her. I shook my head. I didn’t want to talk about it, especially not in front of Maggie and Glenn who still looked blissful thanks to their new marriage.
The ride to the closest town felt shorter than I knew it actually was. We worked on a list of what we needed and divided it up, hoping to make this as quick and smooth as possible. We pulled up in front of what looked like a small, family owned general store. I didn’t recognize it was one we had hit before, but there were so many mom and pop stores like this in Georgia, I couldn’t be sure. We worked as quietly as possible, slipping into the store without getting attention from any of the walkers lingering in the streets. Inside, though, it was quiet and empty.
“Meet back here in ten.” Glenn said quietly.
I took off towards the canned food aisle when Carol suddenly grabbed my elbow and slowed me to a stop. She grabbed the list from my hand. “I’ll work on both of ours for now. You go get when you need.” She said in a whisper.
I nodded and changed directions. I looked up at the signs that dangled over each aisle, labeling what could be found where. When I spotted what looked like the right aisle, I took off at a slow jog. When I was finally standing in front of the shelves, though, I suddenly felt completely overwhelmed. Neatly stacked boxes of pregnancy tests rested untouched in front of me. I supposed it wasn’t exactly a hot commodity for looters. I drew in a shaky breath, my stomach tying itself in knots. I couldn’t believe this was actually happening. I quickly read the names on the boxes, before randomly choosing one and pulling it open. I tugged out two of the tests and stuffed them into my pocket, pulling my shirt over the waistband to hide them better.
I heard a snarl come from behind me and I whirled around to see a walker staggering towards me. I took a step back and suddenly felt myself falling backward over a stray box that had been left in the aisle. I fell hard onto my side, pain shooting through my arm. I scrambled backwards, working to grab my knife from the sheath on my hip. I kicked both my legs out at the walker as it got closer and it stumbled into the shelf. I was up on my feet in a minute and launched myself at it, ramming my blade in its rotting skull. It finally slumped to the ground and was still. I leaned against the shelf, panting. I stretched my arm out in front of me, wriggling my fingers. Pain radiated from my wrist to my shoulder, but it seemed alright.
“Are you okay?” Glenn suddenly appeared in the aisle, out of breath. No doubt he had come sprinting from wherever he was at the sound of a struggle.
I nodded slowly. “Fine. Snuck up behind me somehow.”
He kicked at the fallen walker with the toe of his boot. “I hate these things.” He muttered. “Let’s hurry up and get the hell out of here.”
“Agreed.” I murmured. He disappeared from view and I breathed a sigh of relief that he hadn’t noticed what aisle I had wandered into. I felt the two tests in my pocket. Then, before I could stop myself, I found myself quietly thanking god or whoever the hell was out there, that I had landed on my arm and not my stomach. I quickly shook my head. I didn’t even know if I was pregnant or not and I was already worried about everything. I wondered if this was just a taste of what I was in for if the test was positive. I stepped over the walker and forced the thoughts from my head as I headed back towards the canned food to meet with Carol.
It only took a few minutes to fill the backpack I’d taken from the SUV with as much canned food as I could carry. Most of the good stuff had been cleaned it, which meant I hadn’t been able to snag much besides creamed corn and beets. Food was food these days, though, and any was better than none. I met everyone else back at the front of the store and we were out the store and back to the car in a matter of seconds.
Once were safely inside the SUV, Carol gave me a knowing look and I patted my pocket. She nodded in response and turned to look out the window. I let out a quiet sigh before doing the same. I felt almost sick to my stomach, though, as I thought about taking the test. By tonight I would know for sure. Thinking about the minutes leading up to it, though, made my pulse race and I wondered if I’d be able to go through with it. It would be so easy to convince myself that I was imagining it all, or that it really was just a side effect of stress, of all the terrible things that had been happening lately. It would be nice to just forget about this one little thing and focus on everything else. It just seemed like the worst timing. I couldn’t stand fighting with Daryl at all, but this felt even worse. Fighting with him, feeling so far from him when I needed him more than ever right now. I shut my eyes and rested my forehead against the window pane.
::
It was dark when we reached the prison. Someone was waiting for us, though, pulling open the gates. As soon as Glenn killed the engine, we were all out of the car and unloading the supplies from the back. I realized it was Daryl who had opened the gate when he suddenly appeared next to me. He took the heavy bag full of canned food from me, shouldering it without saying a word. He gave me a lingering look before turning and heading back into the prison. I felt my heart falter as I watched him. I couldn’t stand this. I couldn’t take this wall that was suddenly being built between us.
I shook my head, grabbing another bag from the back and trailing after him. Inside, it was louder than I’d ever heard it before. I was so used to the dull hum of a few voices, not this loud buzzing of dozens of new voices. It was so odd seeing all these new faces in this familiar place. I set my bag down on one of the tables and searched the room for Gabe. When I didn’t find him in the sea of faces, I turned and headed out of the cellblock, figuring he was in his cell. I felt a pair of eyes on me the entire time and turned over my shoulder to meet Daryl’s gaze. Our eyes locked for another long minute before he looked away. I paused, wanting to go to him, but thought better of it.
I turned back around and headed further down the darkened corridor. When I finally reached Gabe’s cell, I paused outside the door when I heard more than one voice. I peeked my hide around the corner and couldn’t stop the slight smile the tugged at the corner of my mouth when I saw Beth sitting back in the desk chair, talking animatedly with her hands to Gabe who was lying on the bed.
“Hey, you two.” I said, leaning against the doorframe.
Beth’s cheeks tinged pink as she averted her eyes to the ground. Gabe gave me a wide grin, though, looking much better than he had when I’d left him a few hours before. “Hey! You’re back!”
I nodded. “Just want to check on you. How’s the leg?”
He shrugged. “Alright, I guess. Hershel said it should be almost back to normal in a few days.”
“Daddy changed the bandages not too long ago and said it doesn’t look infected.” Beth piped up.
“That’s good news.” I said, relieved. Gabe was okay. It was one less thing to worry about and one more thing to be thankful for.
“Are you okay, Charlie? You look…tired.” Beth said gently, tilting her head slightly to the side as she studied me.
I shifted under her gaze. “Tired, but other than that I’m fine.” I lied. For the second time that day. “I’m gonna try and get some rest. Just wanted to check in. Love you, Gabe.” I said, giving him a small smile.
“Love you, too. Night.” He grinned. My smile grew a little. I liked seeing him happy again. He’d been so worried and uncomfortable his first couple of days at the prison, but I was glad to see he was adjusting quickly.
I turned out of his cell and walked the few paces down to my own. I could hear the distant murmuring of voices from below and wondered how different things were going to be now, with all these new faces. I dropped down onto the edge of my bed, running both my hands over my face. I hadn’t been completely lying before, I was exhausted but I didn’t think I could sleep if I tried. Too many things to worry about. Too many thoughts pressing in on my brain.
I carefully dug the pregnancy tests out of my pocket. I thought, for a minute, about snapping them both in half and forgetting about it. Moving on like the conversation I’d had with Carol earlier had never happened. I knew that was wishful thinking, though. It would be stupid and childish to run away from this, the same way Daryl had chosen to close himself off from me because of Merle’s death. I made a promise to myself then, that no matter what the test said, I was going to find Daryl tonight and make things right. Maybe he didn’t think he needed anyone right now, but I knew better. I shouldn’t have been so quick to get angry before. I should’ve fought harder for him to let me in. We’d already been through so much together.
I looked down again at the tests clutched in my hand. It seemed strange that something so small looking could determine something so huge and life changing. I stood back up from the cot and slid one test into my back pocket before hiding the other underneath the cot’s thin mattress. There was no real point in waiting anymore. There was no difference between right now and a couple of hours. The longer I kept trying to put off, the harder it would be. Before I could change my mind, I left my small, concrete room and took the stairs down to the first floor bathroom, peering inside. I breathed a sigh when it was empty. I wanted to be alone for this. I took the very last stall at the end and locked the door behind me. When I pulled the test out of my pocket, I realized my hand was shaking. My mouth felt dry and my heart hammered in my chest. I forced myself to take a deep breath. No turning back now.