Summary: Bucky tries to end his life. The reader has to give him a reason to live.
Word Count: 1,435
Warnings: tw: suicide, angst
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Everyone thought Bucky Barnes was an intimidating man.
You had served in the military medical corps, and later joined SHIELD when the field became too much for you. You were trained to kill just as you were trained to heal. Not a lot scared you.
Especially not Bucky Barnes.
The minute Steve Rogers had walked in with this man two paces behind him, just as tall if not taller, broad shouldered and strong, eyes setting on everyone in an icy gaze, you felt your heartbeat halt for a second before starting up again. But that's as far as the fear in you went.
Bucky Barnes was anything but intimidating after that initial introduction.
Of course, from day one, Bucky had been nothing but kind. So what if he looked like he could rip a tank apart with his bare hands? He spoke softly enough, slowly enough, to make up for that. He mostly didn't talk, which was probably why people thought he was always planning to kill another person. But you had extended a hand of invitation to him immediately. You knew what it felt like to be completely and utterly traumatized. Your time in the field had been rough, and even though it was nothing compared to what he had been through, you could empathize well enough with him.
Bucky was as closed off as they could get, but the walls were slowly coming down. You still didn't know what was going on in his head. Still had no idea what dark thoughts he wallowed in everyday. But you were trying, and he could see that. Eventually, he would realize you wanted nothing but good for him.
But back to today.
You gaped at the screen of the quintet which showed the main lobby of your target building, taking in what you had just witnessed. Letting out a weird noise, you jumped up to grab a gun and rush out from the place, running to where you knew your friend was lying injured, bleeding, and not doing anything about it. Your mind reeled. It had just been three guys. Bucky could have easily taken them down if he wanted to. You could see clear as day that he let them shoot him. And on top of that, was now lying there doing nothing about the bullet in his stomach.
Finding him was easy. He was unconscious, but still breathing. Huffing, you used the small gadget Shuri gave you on her last visit for emergency situations like this.
Except this emergency could have easily been avoided.
Bucky had to have had his reasons for doing something this stupid. You tried to calm your anger, trying to think of an explanation. But of course, you came up empty. Bucky was a complex person, his thoughts were a maze that couldn't be solved. But complexity and stupidity were not related, last time you checked.
Huffing and puffing, you managed to get him into the jet, letting the others know he was badly injured. Steve then insisted you leave with him, get him to the compound. An argument ensued after that, until you gave in and complied. And so you took Bucky back to New York, mind still trying to think of a reasonable explanation.
Bucky came to the next morning, only to have you glaring holes into him be the first sight he saw. You made sure to display all your anger, wanting him to know just how idiotic he had been.
"What... the HELL.... was that?"
He didn't seem surprised or shocked or any emotion you expected. He looked.... sad? Frustrated?
"I'm alive." His voice was hoarse from lack of use.
You raised an eyebrow. "Very well observed Barnes. You thought I was gonna leave you there?"
He didn't answer.
You sighed in exasperation and ran a hand down your face, tired and sore from the long day.
"I was watching you. You could have taken those guys down without breaking a sweat. What the hell were you thinking? And why didn't you call for help when you were shot? Have you suddenly forgotten how missions work? I had to drag you out of there, and that was no easy task-"
"You shouldn't have."
You blinked, feeling your anger rise even more. "Are you crazy? What, so I should have just left you there and you would have gotten up and returned yourself? Because it sure didn't seem like-"
"I was supposed to die, dumbass!" Bucky screamed suddenly, lifting himself onto his elbows and making you jump. Your breath caught before it sped up, staring at him in utter shock.
"I wasn't supposed to come back. That was supposed to be it." His voice was softer this time, almost defeated. You felt tears prick your eyes but you blinked them away quickly.
"Bucky..."
"Just leave." He turned with effort, back facing you. "Go."
Your mind was still numb from the implications of Bucky's words. You didn't think before you left the room, shutting the door behind you.
You hadn't talked to Bucky in about a week since his....sort of suicide attempt. Your heart hurt to think he purposely wanted to end his life. You had assumed that he was doing well. Guess you never really know what someone is thinking.
You ached to let Bucky know how much you cared. How much he meant to you. But he seemed to be avoiding you like the plague since that day. You didn't tell anyone else what about what Bucky had tried to do. You knew Steve in particular would go ape shit and likely confront him, and you were sure that wasn't what Bucky wanted. You had tried to get him alone many times but he seemed to always sense it and take off. Finally, you had had enough.
"Bucky, we need to talk." Your voice was loud enough to silence everyone in the living area and make them look at either you or Bucky. He flushed a bit under the attention, scowling and leaving with you soundlessly.
You led him to the balcony overlooking the grounds of the compound. It had just rained, so the air was crisp, light and fresh. You took a deep breath, letting it calm you before turning to Bucky. You had wanted to talk for a week, and now you were blank.
"I don't wanna talk about the other day. Just forget it."
"No." Your reply was firm enough to make him turn to look at you.
"Bucky," your tone was pleading. "I... I care about you so much. I can't imagine a world with you gone. So please, whatever you thought when you did what you did, just know that I can't live here without you. Not seeing your face everyday.... Just the idea terrifies me. Don't you ever, ever try that again. Or I swear, I'll kill you myself."
You took a breath, registering all you had just said. You felt your face grow hot when you realized some things that you said seemed way out of line, but this had to be said. He had to see this.
He had to know that you were in love with him.
It didn't matter anymore if he rejected you. He had to know that someone ached for him. Someone cared so much for him. Bucky Barnes was valuable. He had to know that.
Bucky's features showed shock at your words, eyes darting between yours as if searching for a lie. You let him. He would find nothing but pure truth.
You didn't have time to process what happened next. One minute he was staring into your eyes. The next minute his lips were on yours. You drew in a breath, heart beating hard against your chest. Your hands moved on their own accord, coming up to run through his hair. He pulled you close, leaving no space between you two.
His kiss was soft, yet desperate, as if trying to believe everything you had just said. You put everything you had in that kiss, hands soft in their touch. The prospect of possibly losing him tugged painfully at you, and you kissed him harder.
It felt like an eternity before you pulled away, the need to breathe too strong. His stormy eyes stared into yours, soft now, a strange sort of calm overtaking them. You smiled at him, leaning your foreheads together. A newfound sense of determination filled you. It would take time, but you would show Bucky his worth. You would make him love himself before he even thought of loving you. You would make sure of it.