Sasha
For a moment, just the merest second, I thought Miles might kiss me. Then he'd stepped away and opened the car door and I had to act like everything was fine. But it wasn't because I couldn't understand why I felt disappointed. I knew Miles well by now. he would never make the first move. Still, I kept waiting. Part of me felt like he needed that. Boys were kind of stupid sometimes but Miles was different.
I loved how he wasn't afraid to himself, no matter what anyone thought. Today though, he seemed off, up one minute and down the next. Well, time to figure out what the heck was up. I reached over and tangled our fingers together, something I'd done a million times, and tugged to get his attention.
"Sorry," He tried to smile, but it was a tame imitation of the one that usually lit his face up. "I guess I'm not very good company today. Weren't we here to find you a suit?"
Okay, so distraction looked like the need for today. I'd get what was bothering him out of him eventually. I didn't actually need a new swimsuit but maybe trying a few on might give Miles a little push. Okay, probably not but a girl can hope. I yanked him toward one of my favorite stores and right into the swimwear. This was another thing I loved, he liked shopping nearly as much as I did. Picking a few two-piece suits, I found a dressing room. Watching Miles eyes bug out of his face with each suit made me giddy but I noticed it took him a second to register. He still looked lost in his head every time I stepped out of the dressing room.
Three stores later, I admitted defeat. Whatever was going on with him apparently trumped even the string bikini I would never have made it out of the bedroom in, had I dared to try. I sighed as I hung it back up. As I stepped back out empty handed, Miles looked up from his phone.
"Scott's ready to go. Didn't find one you liked, huh?" His eyes still held the faraway look he'd carried all day.
"You haven't paid any attention, have you?" I strode forward and grabbed his hand before tugging out of the store and towards the food court where we'd agreed to meet Scott. "Something's bugging you and you're gonna tell me, but tell me when we get back to your place. Your folks won't mind if I stick around, right?"
"Pretty sure they expect it at this point," Miles muttered. I let his comment go since it didn't really need a reply. The trip back to Miles place gave me just enough time to ponder how to get him to open up about what on earth was bugging him so much. I waited until we were behind closed doors to get him to spill.
"Alright, spill." I flopped down on his bed and grabbed my favorite pillow to curl around. "You love shopping. You love helping me shop, even if your advice sometimes sucks. Today you didn't even notice when I was basically naked in front of you!"
Miles' cheeks reddened as he sank to the bed and scooted until he was leaning against the wall. "What?"
"The little green string bikini?"
Miles shook his head, cheeks flaming brighter. He picked at a loose thread on his comforter, eyes fixed on his fingers. I didn't say anything, giving him the time he needed to gather his thoughts. I knew he'd tell me, he always did, eventually. After several minutes, he rose and dug around in his trash can, pulling a crumpled piece of paper out. He tossed it at me and crawled back onto the bed, curling in on himself.
Quickly but carefully, I straightened the paper out. I quit breathing with the first word. He'd gotten in. I knew he would but to hold the evidence was incredible. He deserved this. His talent blew me away and now he would get to show the world.
"It's horrible, Sash." I barely heard him with his face buried against his knees.
"Horrible?" Okay, I didn't get it. Why did he think it was horrible? Sure he said he didn't think he was very good a few times, but he had to know how exclusive that camp was, right? They didn't let just anybody in, I remembered that much. A knock had us both looking as his door swung open, his dad Gabriel stepping in holding a large envelope.
"Oy, Mini, you know what's up with this?"
Miles paled as he bolted off the bed and snatched the envelope.
"The fuck!" The envelope shook in Miles' hand as I watched his chest heave. What was going on? I slid off the bed and tangled our fingers together, squeezing to draw his attention to me as I handed the paper I still held to his dad.
"Hey, you okay?" I pressed a hand to his cheek, noticing how wide his eyes had gotten. I'd never seen him like this. I looked up and met his dad's gaze.
"Oy, Mini," Gabriel's arm came around Miles and he drew him out of my hold and into his arm. "Come on buddy, breath for me." he drew in a slow, steady breath and Miles copied him. One, two, three. The shaking slowed, then stopped. His eyes returned to normal as a shudder ripped through him.
"It's nothing dad," Miles said when he finally calmed. "Please forget you saw any of this." His fingers closed around the paper his dad hadn't looked at yet and tugged. I still didn't understand what was going on. I remembered trying to film him once and we ended up having this whole conversation, okay argument, about posting vids online. He'd been firmly against being recorded, forget posting online, so I knew he'd be cross about my sending in the vid of him for the entry but this seemed like something else entirely. Gabriel's fingers loosened on the paper and it slid a hair as his eyes finally took in the words.
"Oy!" Gabriel's fingers tightened again and the paper jerked so hard I thought for a moment it might tear. Next to me, Miles stiffened. "You entered a contest? What video?"
"Dad, please." Miles tugged on the paper again. "I didn't enter any contest. I have no damn idea what's going on."
And this was where I came in. I cleared my throat to get their attention. "Um, excuse me, Mr. Gabriel, could you give us a minute?" Gabriel's brow furrowed but he nodded and left, closing the door behind him. With a deep breath, I turned to face Miles. "so, I have a confession." I smiled brightly, this was a good thing. I'd done something he never would have done for himself, something he deserved more than anyone I knew. "when you sang for me a couple weekends ago, I recorded it." His eyes went wide. Shit. that couldn't be good. "I saw that pamphlet in the trash that morning, the one for Star Camp, but when I looked I saw the deadline passed for entries. Then I remembered the WKVS competition. So when I got you to sing, I recorded it and sent it in." I shot him a grin that didn't match my suddenly trembling insides. He didn't look happy. In fact, judging from the way his whole body went taut and his jaw clenched, I'd say he was a bit upset.
"You did this?" he drew in an audible breath, nostrils flaring. "You entered me into a public competition without asking me?"
Um, crap. this was looking like I'd really, truly fucked the pooch, or however that stupid saying went.
"You recorded me, knowing how much I hate that." The clenched fist at his side shook as he spat out words. "recorded me, then compounded the whole damn thing by sending it off to some local TV people to enter me into a contest where I have to stand on a stage and..."
he stumbled over his words, breathing going shallow. "Stand on stage and sing in front of people I don't know. How could you Sasha? You didn't think to talk to me first!"
I shook my head as I took a step back, startled at his sudden anger. "You would have said no. You always say no Miles. You never take anything like this for yourself. You never think you can do it but you're so damn talented and I don't know how to convince you of that any other way. When you win this contest, maybe you'll finally see what I see!"
he glared at me. "I don't understand what you were thinking, why you would do this. Of course, I would say no. There's a reason I always say no!" he stepped forward, face twisted in a scowl as he lowered his voice. "I've never been able to perform in front of people Sasha, ever. So thanks, thanks a fucking ton for throwing my dreams in my face like that."
what the hell was he talking about? "You sing for me all the time and I know you've sung for your brother. " I shook my head again, trying to get it and failing miserably.
"You and Blaze are the only people who've ever heard me sing. I can't get on a stage, Sasha." The anger had left his voice, leaving only a quietly defeated tone behind. "the last time I tried, I passed out." His eyes finally met mine as we stood inches apart. "What you did was cruel. I won't win that contest. I won't even go to the audition. I can't go. The things I want are impossible for me and this," he held up the paper he still clutched, crumpled again, in his hand, "was the cruelest thing you could have done. To know I was at least good enough to get offered an audition spot in this doesn't feel good, it's killing me." His words stopped abruptly and he just stood there, breaths heaving, eyes still a bit wild.
"I didn't..." I swallowed a hiccup as a tear rolled down my cheek. I never expected this. "I didn't know." I wrapped my arms around my stomach as it cramped.
"You didn't ask." Three simple words. And never had they spoken more volumes than they did right then. I hadn't asked. And maybe I wouldn't even have needed to if I'd just stopped for one damn minute and thought things through. My impulsiveness would get me in trouble someday, my dad said that a few times. Not being cruel, he was always trying to show me it was better to stop and plan and think things through but I tended to be a bit more like mom, jump in with both feet and screw the consequences. Look where that got me today. Now that I was thinking about it, now that I knew, I could see the clues had been there. I didn't know why he couldn't get on stage, but this was obviously more than the self-consciousness I believed it to be. "I just...I can't believe you did this to me."
I wanted to apologize, to make him feel better. "I'm sorry." I wrapped my arms around him but his hands closed over my wrists and unwrapped them, pushing me away.
"You need to leave." he stepped back, away from me and crossed his arms over his chest. "I can't...I can't look at you right now."
With tears streaming, I turned and left the room, going in search of a ride home and trying to figure out how the hell to fix things.