I can see you're scared of your emotions
I can see you're hoping you're not hopeless
So why can't you show me?
Why can't you show me?
I can see you're looking for distractions
I can see you're tired of the acting
So why can't you show me?
Who are you in the dark?
Show me the scary parts
-In the dark
-Camila Cabello
•••••
"Ryder, can you hurry up already?" I asked, from where I was standing by the front door.
"Can you relax? I'm almost done!" Ryder exclaimed, from behind the closed door of his room.
I rolled my eyes and mumbled a string of profanities.
"You know, I can just leave you and take your car to the warehouse," I said to the walls.
"If you come near my baby, I will murder you," Ryder warned, opening his door and coming out of his room.
He wore a grey hoodie and a pair of black trunks to fight in. His hair was slightly damp from the shower he had taken earlier on, I don't even know who takes a shower before fighting but I didn't question him.
"Finally," I said sarcastically, "I should have just gone with Violet."
Ryder rolled his eyes and used the key I had given him to my-
Our apartment to unlock the front door.
"Maybe you should have. It would have saved me a hell of a lot brain cells, I usually waste on you," he said, already leading the way to the elevator as if he's lived here for weeks.
Once we got into the elevator and began the slow descend to the parking lot, I opened my mouth to retaliate.
"Maybe if you never opened your big mouth at lunch, I would be with her."
"It just came out okay! That doesn't usually happen, I don't know what came over me," Ryder said defensively.
I turned away from him, not willing to continue arguing with him when he could very well kill me because he was driving us to the warehouse.
Ryder got into his car, and when I was halfway in he already started the car and pressed the accelerator.
"What the hell? Are you trying to kill me?" I asked, gasping from the mini heart attack I experienced.
He gave me a sickly sweet smile.
"Oops? My foot slipped," Ryder said, and sped down the road once I was safely buckled into the passenger seat.
I braced myself against the door when Ryder swerved in between cars and kept switching lanes. He didn't bother about the speed limits, or paid attention to the cars which here hooting at him.
"Can you slow down?" I asked him breathlessly.
He smirked and gradually got faster as he swerved.
"Ryder!" I yelled, but he didn't seem to want to listen.
"Relax Carter and enjoy the ride," he said, still smirking at my startled expression.
I gave up on trying to get Ryder to listen to me and settled comfortably in my seat. I soon forgot about the many traffic laws Ryder was breaking and let the thrill and vigour I was experiencing from his driving wash over me.
I let out a laugh as he increased his speed and even though Ryder was a danger to me himself, I forgot all about that and felt safe in his presence.
It was just us and the current high we were both on that kept us going. Nothing else mattered anymore. It was reckless and stupid, but we didn't care. The danger and the exhilaration was all worth it in the end.
Once we had reached the warehouse, I thought the feeling would fade but it didn't. As we got out of Ryder's car we glanced at each other and smiled widely, grateful for the escape.
The electronic music blasting from somewhere in the warehouse added to our adrenaline rush and I felt him intertwine his fingers through mine, dragging me through the crowd that filled up the warehouse.
I ignored the feeling of our hands clasped together, making my heart speed up more than the sudden adrenaline rush.
"Stay close!" Ryder yelled at me.
I nodded at him and allowed him to continue pulling me along with him to wherever he was going.
He nodded at the bodyguard guarding the entrance to the fighter's rooms and he stepped aside to let us through.
Only when we had made it to Ryder's room, did Ryder let go of my hand. Ryder's room resembled mine, except his looked more lived in than mine.
There were broken bits of wood littering the ground and a worn out leather punching bag hung from the roof.
A tiny bulb hung from a piece of wire above his desk and when Ryder flipped on the light switch it shone dimly in the tiny room.
"Why does your room have a light bulb and mine doesn't?" I asked.
"Did you ask for a light?" Ryder asked, turning to give me a pointed look.
I pouted and sat down on the wooden chair by his desk.
Ryder unzipped a bag lying under his desk and pulled out a roll of cloth and a pair of scissors. He cut off two long pieces and began wrapping them around his knuckles.
"Ryder, you're not wrapping your hand right. You're going to damage your knuckles. Let me do it," I said, already walking up to him.
"You're supposed to wrap it like this," I said quietly.
I gently took Ryder's hand in mine and began to wrap his knuckles and all around his wrist. He watched me carefully as I did the same thing to his other hand.
He flexed his fingers once I had finished and admired my work.
"Thanks," he said.
I didn't realize how close we were standing until Ryder spoke. I took a deep breath, and scolded myself for letting him having such a strong effect on me by just saying one word.
I stepped back and turned as the door to Ryder's room opened and in walked Noah, Kyle, Violet and Cameron.
"There you guys are!" Noah exclaimed happily, when he saw Ryder and I.
I smiled at all of them in greeting and hugged Violet when she came to stand beside me.
"You're fight is starting in a couple of minutes Ryder," Kyle said, giving Ryder a fist bump.
Ryder nodded and everyone turned to leave.
"Riley, you coming?" Violet asked me, confused that I was still standing in the same position.
"In a minute," I said, giving her a reassuring smile.
She looked between Ryder and I and nodded as if she understood some unknown message. Once Cameron was out the door, he closed it behind him.
I turned to see Ryder's back towards me. He held the neck of his hoodie and pulled it upwards, taking it off and discarding the material on his desk.
I stared at his back, his muscles moving under the tanned skin. He had a long scar running from his shoulder and disappearing under his shorts. It showed faintly under the yellow light and when he turned around, I quickly looked away from him and fixed my eyes on my worn out sneakers.
Ryder walked past me and motioned for me to follow him.
I walked silently behind him until he made it to the ring where Violet, Noah, Cameron and Kyle stood talking animatedly. Just before we could reach them, I placed a hand on Ryder's bicep, marvelling at the muscle, to stop him in his tracks.
Focus Riley! Hormones later.
"Good luck," I yelled.
He grinned at me and I felt my insides turn to jelly at seeing his smile.
"Are you going to be my cheerleader?" he asked me teasingly.
I rolled my eyes at him and he turned away from me, passing the rest of our friends who wished him luck.
Violet grabbed onto my arm and pulled me to the front of the ring, where I could clearly make out Ryder and his opponent.
All traces of playfulness were wiped off of his face and he wore a neutral expression. Meanwhile, his opponent had on a sneer and was practically shaking from his anger.
He circled Ryder, and Ryder stayed standing motionless following the man out of the corner of his eye.
I chewed the inside of my cheek nervously while Kyle and Noah hooted and hollered, backing Ryder up. Violet and Cameron observed the fight silently and when Violet noticed my stare she smiled at me.
"Have a little faith Riles," Violet said giving my shoulder a squeeze.
I gave her a nervous smile and bit my lip as I went back to observing the fight.
Ryder made the first punch after his opponent had made three full circles around him. His punch sent his opponent flying backwards into the ropes. The crowd went wild, cheering and yelling things at both Ryder and his opponent.
Noah and Kyle jumped on each other in excitement and screamed along with the rest of the crowd.
Ryder's opponent got up slightly dazed, but charged at him like a raging bull, his nostrils flaring. He collided with Ryder and sent them both sprawling onto the floor.
I gasped as he started sending punches, aimed at Ryder's face, but he successfully avoided all of them and swung his head forward hitting his opponent.
Ryder sprang to his feet and took the advantage to swing several more punches and kicks to his opponent's torso.
He grabbed his opponent's head and put him in a headlock. After beating at Ryder's back for several seconds, everyone could see him physically give up and tap out.
The crowd roared and went absolutely ballistic. Noah and Kyle screamed along with the rest of them jumping up and down. Ryder got up and searched the crowd, looking for someone.
When he locked eyes with me he gave me a mega watt smile and raised his eyebrows as if to say 'well?'.
I clapped and cheered with the rest of the crowd making Ryder grin and throw his hands in the air, driving the crowd into a further frenzy.
I made my way past everyone with Noah, Cameron, Kyle and Violet on my heel. Ryder walked out of the ring earning a few slaps on his back from the people closer to him. A few of the girls standing beside the ring winked at him flirtatiously, but he didn't pay them any attention.
I ran up to Ryder and threw myself in his arms. He stumbled back, taken by surprise but wrapped his arms around my waist and spun me around.
I laughed and tightened my hold on his neck. His sweaty chest stuck to my light sweatshirt as I pulled away to congratulate him.
"You were awesome Ryder!" I yelled, giddy for no apparent reason.
He threw his head back and let out a loud laugh.
"See? I'm not as hopeless as you think I am," he said, winking at me.
He put me down and we continued to smile at each other, until Kyle and Noah stepped between us to congratulate Ryder.
"You kicked ass out there," Noah said, giving Ryder a slap on his back.
Kyle grinned and congratulated Ryder.
Violet and Cameron were next in congratulating him.
"Alright guys, I'll meet you outside I just need to get my hoodie," Ryder said.
"Riley, coming with us?" Violet asked me.
"No, Riley's coming with me," Ryder said answering Violet for me.
I shrugged helplessly and followed Ryder to his room. He threw on his grey hoodie and turned to smirk at me.
"I'd love to see you fight," Ryder said teasingly.
"I could take you any day," I said arrogantly.
Ryder looked at me amused.
"Oh really now?" he asked me.
"Is that a challenge Wilson?" I asked.
Ryder began to walk towards me and stopped a foot away from me.
"What do you think Carter?" he asked me, still smirking.
You want a fight? I'll give you a fight
I swung my fist, ready to hit his chest and send him flying backwards. Ryder expected it, and grabbed my wrist before it could make contact with his chest.
I twisted in his grasp and he twirled me around so that my back was towards him. He tugged me backwards and I slammed into his chest.
I sensed the opportunity and kicked his shin, he grunted but his grip didn't loosen. His other hand came up to rest just under my breasts and pulled me so that I was flush against him.
My cheeks reddened when he breathed on the back of my neck, his arm around me tightening.
"What was that about taking me?" he asked me.
I could sense the smirk on his face and wasn't ready to let him win.
"Rematch," I said.
Ryder let me go and I stepped back so that there was a bit of distance between us. I faced him again and held my fists up blocking my face.
Ryder mirrored my stance and this time was the first to make a move. Ryder shot his fist forward, to punch my shoulder but I blocked him and kicked him in his stomach, sending him stumbling back a few steps.
I smirked when he looked at me in shock and then regained his composure. I sent another kick, aiming for his leg but he grabbed my leg midway in the air and tugged it so that I was once again pressed against him.
Except this time, he held the back of my left leg in a strong hold and my other leg was in between his legs.
I brought my knee up to scare him into letting me go.
It. Didn't. Work.
Ryder grabbed my leg with his other hand and slid his hands under my thighs, hoisting me off of my feet and making me wrap my legs around his waist. He walked backwards until my back hit the wall, and I placed both my hands on his chest giving it a hard shove.
He removed his hands from under my thighs and grabbed both my hands in one of his, holding them above my head.
I panted, not expecting our playful fighting to turn into this.
Ryder stared at me with an unknown emotion in his eyes and leaned forward, pressing his nose into the crook of my neck inhaling deeply.
"Got you," he whispered.
He trailed his nose up my jaw and placed a hot kiss on my earlobe.
He released my hands from his hold and I wrapped them around his neck. Ryder wrapped his arms around my thighs, staring intensely at me.
Taking advantage of the Ryder's distracted-ness, I ran my fingers through his hair and he closed his eyes and hummed.
Perfect
I slowly took one hand away and placed it on the wall above me and using all my strength, I pushed us both off of the wall.
Ryder opened his eyes in shock and didn't have time to catch himself before he landed on his butt. I jumped off of him, and stared at him lying on the ground still not fully focused.
"Wrong. I've got you," I said, leaning down so that I was eye to eye with him.
Ryder shook his head at me and laughed.
"You're right, you do have me Carter."
•••••
Maybe you like him...
Me? Like Ryder?
Yes!
It would makes sense but..
But what?
Were two different people and besides...
Riley, stop yourself right there.
You are not having a conversation with yourself.
I sighed as I took a seat on one of the kitchen chairs. I was trying to figure out my emotions (unsuccessfully). Currently, I didn't know what to make of anything that happened with Ryder at the warehouse earlier on.
After we got home he went to take another shower and I've been standing in the kitchen trying to come up with excuses to justify my sudden change of mood towards Ryder.
Everything seemed so complicated in my head, but was it really?
"What are you doing?" Ryder asked me.
I looked up as he settled himself on one of the chairs next to me by the kitchen table.
"Thinking," I said vaguely.
He nodded and started to drum his fingers on the table.
"When did you start fighting?" I asked Ryder, angling my body so that I faced him.
Ryder let out a whistle and had a thoughtful expression on.
"When I was fourteen," he said.
"Fourteen!" I exclaimed.
He nodded.
"Well, no wonder you're so good now," I said quietly.
"You're not too bad yourself," he said, referring to our tiny match in his room.
I blushed and turned my head to the side so that he couldn't see my inflamed cheeks.
He laughed, enjoying my discomfort.
I cleared my throat.
"So, have you lived all your life in Grey's Town?" I asked.
"Yeah, all my life. What about you? Where do you come from?" Ryder asked me curiously.
"I come from Wintersville," I said.
"Wintersville? I've never heard of it," he said suspiciously.
I let out a nervous laugh.
"Yeah, it's pretty much on the boarder of nowhere."
"Oh, so like Grey's Town?" he asked.
"Yeah, kind of," I said.
"I don't understand," he said, his eyebrows scrunched up.
I had a sudden urge to smooth out the lines in the middle of his eyebrows, but restrained myself from doing so.
"The only difference is that it's forever cold in Wintersville, hence the name Winters-ville," I said.
Ryder nodded.
"What's it like over there?" he asked, "the people, I mean."
"They're very friendly."
Most of the time.
"It's a small town."
"Did you live alone there as well?" he asked me cautiously.
"No," I said struggling for the right words, "my father passed away in a car accident last year and my siblings in another a year later."
Why are you telling him this?
"I'm sorry for your loss," he whispered, "What about your mother?"
You could just tell him what you've been telling everyone else. Or...
No
"I'm sorry I asked, it's none of my business," Ryder said quickly.
"What about your parents?" I asked Ryder curiously, removing the attention from me.
"My parents and I never got along. We all saw things too differently to stay under the same roof," he said.
I nodded and didn't push the topic.
"Did you have any girlfriends?" I asked Ryder.
I wonder what this answer will be.
"No, I didn't really find anyone interesting," he said.
"Not one person?" I asked shocked.
Ryder bit his lip, debating whether he should answer me.
"Well, there was this one girl," he began, "but I realized we weren't meant to be when she fell for my best friend."
I stared at Ryder with my mouth open in shock.
"Violet?" I squeaked out.
Ryder nodded.
That's why Ryder was so awkward around Violet and Cameron when they were doing things together in a cute romantic way, and why he wasn't so eager to go and live with them.
"Does Violet know?" I asked.
Ryder shook his head.
"Cameron?"
"You're the only person I told," Ryder said softly.
Ryder let out a bitter chuckle.
"Isn't it just pathetic? The guy who never liked anyone before, finally fell for the girl who had so much to say and she fell for his best friend," he said coldly.
I bit the inside of my cheek, feeling a pang of sympathy for Ryder. Imagine seeing the person you like completely in love with your best friend every single day, and you couldn't say anything.
"Do you believe in love Riley?" Ryder asked suddenly.
"No, I don't. Not in that way, do you?" I asked him.
"Yes, I do believe in love. I believe that Violet was my first love."
I inhaled a shaky breath, feeling a spark of jealousy.
Woah, hold up. Jealousy?
"Do you still like her in that way?" I asked.
Ryder gave me a small smile.
"I don't think I'll ever lose the certain bond I thought we had, but no I don't like her in that way anymore. I realized there was another girl out there who seemed to have ignited something bigger than Violet had ignited in me," he said, giving me a secretive smile.
Another one!
I felt another spark flare up in me and willed myself to calm down.
"Riley, have you ever had a boyfriend?" Ryder asked me.
I clenched my fist, not really wanting to answer his question, but he had answered all of mine.
"Yes, I did," I said quietly.
"Did you ever tell him you loved him?"
"Yes," I said, not knowing where this was going.
"Then why don't you believe in love now?" Ryder asked me, suddenly confused.
"I don't know what love is Ryder. I'll never know what it is, because I was naïve when I thought I loved him. There is no such thing as love," I whispered the last part.
Ryder shook his head at me and took my hand in his. I inhaled a shaky breath, not ready for the force of the storm brewing in his eyes which were turned on me.
How is it, that a simple action like that can make me all shaky and dizzy? Why is it so hard for me to form coherent sentences around him, yet pour my feelings out at the same time?
What is going on with me?
"Riley, from the way you speak about this guy it sounds like he hurt you," Ryder said, "and when he hurt you, he made you believe that love was just a figment of people's imaginations. But it's not! When you talk about him, anyone can see that you miss him. Even if you deny it, you may be over him but there will always be that small part of you that will wonder what would have happened if you stayed together."
I shook my head violently from side to side.
Ryder let go of my hand and cupped my cheeks, so that I could look at him. His grey eyes, sparked with an unknown emotion held my eyes captive unable to turn away.
"I'm over him," I whispered.
"I believe you," he whispered back, leaning his forehead against mine.
I didn't know which one of us had shifted closer, all I knew was that the emotions between Ryder and I were no longer normal and the electricity flowing between us was going to either be our downfall or our redemption.
He pulled away from me suddenly, as if I had burnt him and stared at me with wide eyes his breaths coming out in ragged gasps.
"I'm going to bed," he said.
And we're back to square one.
"Wait Ryder!" I called out and grabbed his wrist to spin him around and face me.
"Leave me alone Riley, I'm tired and I want to sleep," he said through clenched teeth.
"What happened? What did I say?" I asked, confused and slightly hurt at Ryder's words.
I swear this boy's moods were going to give me whiplash.
"Nothing, now let go of my hand," he said angrily.
I threw my arms in the air frustratedly.
"What is your problem? Why do you keep doing this? You let me in and then you push me out. Stop it!" I yelled.
Ryder's face turned into a deathly mask of anger.
"You know nothing about me, so don't pretend like you care!" Ryder yelled at me, just as angry.
I stepped forward so that I was standing right in front of Ryder.
"I know that you run from your feelings. You try to conceal the real you behind a cold exterior as if that would keep everyone away. You never let people see the real you and I'm not letting you run away from me!" I yelled, stabbing an accusing finger into Ryder's chest.
"You're pointing out my flaws? What about you? You practically run from every problem thrown your way and you'll never be strong enough to handle them alone. You don't want to accept help from anybody because you're scared," Ryder said, grabbing my wrist to stop me from poking him.
"What am I scared of Ryder? Huh? Tell me!" I yelled.
I was livid. Everything was fine. We were talking like normal human beings and then he had to go ahead and ruin everything.
"I don't know okay?" a sick smile spread across Ryder's lips.
"But you didn't deny it. You didn't deny that you're scared to trust," he said.
I felt like I had walked straight into a hurricane. A swirling mass of destruction, which had no end. Ryder was right. I was afraid of trusting people in case they get hurt. I couldn't deny him, and so the sudden wave of exhaustion which had washed over me had started to make me internally shut down.
"You know what Ryder? I am so tired of this. I am so tired of us talking like normal human beings at one point and then a few minutes later we're yelling at each other and trying to rip each other's throats out. I don't know what you want from me anymore, we agreed on being friends and now we're back where we started."
I don't think I have ever been that honest in my life.
I stared at Ryder and he stared back at me, both of us panting. I had to angle my head up to yell at him, and now my neck was beginning to cramp.
Now that the yelling had stopped, I felt drained of my energy and just wanted to go to sleep.
Having said what I needed to say I turned away from Ryder and started to walk towards my bedroom, but Ryder cut me off by grabbing a hold of my wrist.
"Riley wait, if there was a way to show you what I really want I swear I would!"
"Ryder, please just stop. We can continue this tomorrow. I just-"
But my sentence was cut off by the brutal force of Ryder's lips on mine.
I gasped and pushed at his chest but he didn't budge and continued to kiss me. His lips felt soft, yet slightly cracked against mine. I gave up on pushing him and wound my arms around his neck pulling him closer to me.
He wrapped his arms around my waist, and I struggled to match the speed of my lips to his. Ryder's lips moved with such a force against mine that I thought mine would be bruised.
He poured everything out into that kiss. His anger, sorrow and happiness went into it. He showed me what he was really thinking and what he wanted in his own way.
He opened his mouth and traced my lower lip asking for permission. I moaned and he took the opportunity to invade my mouth, with his tongue dooming me further into the hell I'd created for the both of us.
But this wasn't my fault completely. We were a complete mess, and together we were bound to destroy each other.
But can I tell you something?
I didn't care.
We threw caution to the wind and now we were far too gone to give a damn.
I pulled back to catch my breath and leaned my forehead against Ryder's. Ryder stared down at me slightly breathless.
That was the exact moment that the consequence of our actions decided to weigh down on me.
What have we done?
•••••
I apologize for the late update loves. I had a very emotional day yesterday, it completely slipped my mind : (
Thank you for reading my chapter! : )
-Grayx