12:29am
Trigger warning: mention of suicide
Who wants to live foreevERRRRRR
Au
—
Logan didn't know what he expected after death. He knew it would be an escape - take him away from the pain burnt inside of him that would last forever, a permanent scar he couldn't fix, he just wanted to be happy, happy without knowing it would go away again, for he can be happy, with his friends, but when he's alone, or away from them in general, he can feel himself slipping back into his depressive hole.
He always hated talking about himself, he didn't want to be centre of attention, he wanted everyone around him to believe he was okay, and didn't need to be asked. He had reached that point, in the end, but was it really worth it? Lying to the only people that cared about him? Because now it hurt Logan more than anything else, knowing he lied straight to their faces, kept himself hidden, his true self to himself, without the intention to let it go.
He felt selfish, now, and regretted what he had done. If he knew they would've helped him, and not shunned him away, or become annoyed, he would have told them in a heart beat. But he was worried, scared- nay, terrified, he couldn't lose them, and he knew they liked his usual facade, so he never wanted it to go, because how would he know if they still liked the man underneath? Being alone was such a horrible feeling, he refused to go through it again.
When he did take his life after things had become too much - he didn't think he would wake up again. He wasn't alive, he knew that, he knew that the moment he sat up in that hospital bed. He had stared at himself for so long, gazing intently at every little detail, truly realising he wasn't as...horrific looking as his brain always told him. When he had walked home, it felt like everything moved by him in a rush, walking through his apartment, he felt cold, it was so empty, so unloving, he wondered how he ever survived. Well, he didn't in the end, huh?
Leaving his house, he found himself outside of his boyfriend's home. He stared at the door for awhile, wondering why Patton ever wanted to stay with a man like himself - he was such a bubbly, loving, adorable man, and he decided to date a stoic, emotionless, damaged one? It would confuse logan forevermore. Phasing through the doorway, he stood in the entrance to the living room, watching his boyfriend on the couch, curled up between their two friends, Roman and Virgil, who looked equally as upset as the other, but Patton, his dear Patton, looked distraught, his sobs bouncing off the walls, echoing around him, forcing him to watch, and stare at the man he loved, the man he hurt so much.
Freedom came with a cost, didn't it? Now he could be happy, but everyone who made him happy beforehand were sad, and would be for quite some time.
Logan stepped forward, his hands landed on Patton's body, he could feel the fabric of his cardigan on his palms, but however much he gripped, Patton couldn't feel it, and he felt like he couldn't push Patton's body at all, like it was a wall, unmoving.
He knelt down and cupped Patton's face. "I'm sorry" he whispered, but his voice couldn't be heard.
"I hurt you" Logan carried on, anyway. "And I'm sorry"
After a moment he dropped his hands along with his head, intensely staring down at the carpet. What had he done? He hurt his friends because he was selfish.
And suddenly, he didn't want to die anymore.
In a flash, he was back in the hospital room, hugging his lifeless body, whispering pleas and begs over and over, asking to come back, pleading whatever deity was out there to give him a second chance.
"Fuck, you want to live, don't you?"
Logan froze, slowly peering up to see a figure draped in a black cloak, their hand holding a scythe. Knowing who it was, Logan's body tensed and he gripped his body tighter, shrinking a little. "H..huh?" He murmured quietly.
"Usually people beg to come back" Death carried, "But not for hours...you've been here for ten hours. Gotta give it to you, you're a strong fighter" Logan stared, perplexed, wondering what Death would do. Should he keep begging? Should he give up? Should he just watch over Patton the rest of his ghost-life?
Death pushed up from the wall and effortlessly glided across the ground, Logan assumed they were looking at his body from their head angle, but unable to see their eyes, Logan couldn't tell. "Patton sure does love you" Death nodded, "and that time he left out a platter of cookies for me when his mother died..." Death sighed, Logan didn't realise Death was so... like this. He assumed they would be foreboding, utterly heartless, and evil, but he seemed so...chill.
"I could give you your life back" that made Logan perk up.
"You will? Please, please, I promise to not take something so precious as life again"
Death slowly cocked their head, shrugging their shoulders. "Eh, I don't care, gives me less work" standing up, they stretched their arms above their head and let out a groan. "Abracadabra" they murmured, waving their hand around. Logan felt his body suddenly sag with tiredness, and he physically couldn't keep his eyes open. Collapsing to the ground, he passed out, his ghost body fading away.
The next morning, sun shone through the blinds hanging across the window. Logan groaned, shifting in his bed, hiding his face from the light. It took him a moment, but when his eyes snapped open and he sat up, gazing down at his body, he slowly smiled, hugging himself for too long. "Thank you" he whispered, ripping his blanket from his body, ready to run home when he realised he was wearing a hospital gown. Blushing, he hurriedly found some random clothes and put them on, leaving the gown behind and running down the staircase.
He passed by a few doctors and nurses who stared at him in bewilderment, knowing he had died over twenty-four hours ago, yet here he was, running down the hallway and out the building. They didn't think fast enough to stop him, for he was already making a break for it down the street, socks barely protecting his feet from the merciless ground underneath, but he didn't care, he needed to find Patton.
Making it to his home took much longer now he wasn't a ghost. Deciding against knocking, he found the spare key under the plant pot and opened the front door.
"Patton, look at me, everything will be okay" Logan heard Roman's voice from the kitchen. Silently, he crept down the hallway, peeking in. Sitting at the table was Virgil, holding his head in his hands. By the counter was Roman and Patton, the two hugging each other tightly, swaying back and forth. Logan felt his eyes burn with unshed tears. Crossing the room, he placed a hand on Patton's shoulder, drawing the man away from Roman who gasped when he saw him, blinking rapidly, wondering if it was real. It couldn't be, he died..he saw his dead body..how could he be here!?
"Logan.." Patton whispered, gulping and lifting his hand up to touch his face. When he could feel his soft skin, a sob ripped through his throat and he threw his body at him, holding him close, tight, and in a way that told Logan Patton would never, ever let him go again. It didn't take long for his own tears to start, and for Virgil and Roman to join in on the hug.
Logan never told anyone what had happened after his death. He lied. He said he just woke up. He knew he told himself he wouldn't lie again, but that wasn't important, what was important was informing his friends he did, in fact, not have parents, and he was abandoned at an orphanage at a very young age. He told them he felt alone for so long, no one wanted him, no family even talked to him, never wanting to get involved with the silent child.
Logan didn't go into detail, but he said enough, enough for Patton to loop his arms around him and press loving kisses to his lips that were wet with his tears. "I'm so sorry" Logan whispered, now they were alone, Roman and Virgil had gone home, promising to return in the morning and help Logan understand he would never be alone again.
"I left you, I hurt you, I was selfish.." Logan tilted his head down, laying on his side on their bed, body facing Patton who had one arm wrapped around his waist.
Using his free hand, Patton titled his head back up, gently stroking his chin while shaking his head as much as he could with it against a pillow. "Oh, Logy, you weren't selfish...don't for a moment think you should feel guilty for what you did. You're here, and now you can let me-us, all of us help you, because we love you.." he drifted, smiling softly when Logan began to silently cry.
"I love you, too" Logan managed on a shaky breath.
"I'll be sure to remind you of that everyday..."
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1:09am