I hate this place. It's too much for me.
Court went by too fast. How long did it take for the jury to find me guilty? It was all too quick.
I've been here for 5 months now. I'm supposed to be here for 2 years total.
Around the same time Stokeley finishes his ministry schooling.
I take that thought out of my head. The memory of him is a burden. Him leaving got me into this mess.
I was sitting in my cell, looking up at the ceiling like I've been doing every morning I woke up since I've been here. My cellmate was in the cot across from mine, snoring his ass off.
I didn't bother to get to know him. He creeps me out. All he does is stare at me, and I'm pretty sure I've seen his dick get hard while watching me do push-ups.
Speaking of push-ups, I've been exercising since I've been in the slammer. No sense in sitting round looking pretty and waiting to get butt raped. I already knew how to fight, but let's be a little extra careful.
"Okay inmates!! Lunch!" The heavyset guard yelled at us. We heard the loud buzzer sound and seconds later, our doors opened.
We all walked to the cafeteria and formed a line near the kitchen.
I looked at our options.
Either mystery meat #1 with old potatoes on the side, or mystery meat #2 with dry bread...
At least #2 looks a little better. #2 it is.
I grabbed the tray and headed to the tables.
I looked around and saw that one of the inmates was sitting alone and he looked like someone I could somewhat relate to.
I don't know what I mean exactly, but I felt a vibe from him.
Walking over to the table, I saw he was writing in a journal. I felt in my pocket to make sure I had my journal and pencil, and smiled a little. It could be a little writing session.
He must've seen me coming because he looked up at me and watched as I sat my plate down across from him. We looked at each other, like a conversation was going on between our eyes.
"How old are you?" The stranger asks.
"What you need to know that for?" I cautiously reply.
"... You just don't look like you shouldn't be here. You're too young." He says.
"My guy, you look around the same age as me. How old are you?"
"I'm 21. Don't go running ya mouth around here, people think I'm older." He answered.
"I don't see how. But thanks for telling me at least. Makes me feel a little better. I'm 19." I spoke.
"The name's Symere. But they call me Uzi. Gotta have a fake name around here. It'll get you places without people being in your business."
He extended a hand to me and I shook it.
"I'm Jaseh. I don't have a name yet but for now you can call me Ja-"
"You're X." Uzi interrupted me.
"Nigga huhh?" I asked.
"You'll go by X while you're in here. X means unknown. You're gonna want to be under the radar if you want to make it out in one piece, both physically and mentally." He said as he continued to write in his journal, not once touching his food..
X huh? I guess that works.
"I like it, I think. I'll go by that then. Thanks." I told him.
"I'm glad you do. Cause it was either X or YoungDaggerDick."
I choked on my water I was drinking.
"Nigga what the fuck?" I brought my voice down to a whisper. "How tf do you know my dick thin?" I asked.
"I've seen it in the showers." He answered.
I groaned aloud. Wtf man.
"Which reminds me, you really need to watch your surroundings. I'm scheduled to shower at the same time you are, but we aren't the only inmates in that room. I can tell you're trying to keep up muscle to maintain a strong appearance, but it's not working too well in your favor."
"Everytime you shower you're in your own little world. You don't see what I see." He said.
"A-and what do you see?" I stuttered out. I had a feeling I knew what it was.
"About 5 or 6 of the same men always look at you. Biting their lips and rubbing their cocks. Their unashamed. If no guard was at the entrance of that room, you would be getting pinned to the shower walls, or floor, depending on the mood they're in." He told me truthfully.
I felt the air escape my lungs and it felt like I'd been punched in the stomach. I can't believe I'd been so distracted! A nigga could've done some shit to me and it would've been my fault for not paying attention.
"Wait- you've been looking at me too then right? How else were you to know that I wasn't paying attention?" I asked.
"Well I mean, you prolly the prettiest mf up in here. And I'm just being real. But I would never force myself on you. That's just wrong."
At least he was being honest.
I sighed as I looked down at my plate. I didn't even want to eat anymore, which isn't that bad considering this shit they feeding us is out of order.
I looked at Uzi as he continued to write. He wasn't bad looking. In fact he was pretty cute. I liked the vibe he gave off, with his purple dreads and nose ring. If I ever get the need for some dick there's a slight percentage I'd come to him for some help.
It's not like I'm with Stokeley anymore anyways.
At the thought of Stokeley I couldn't help but wonder if he's been doing okay. As mad as I am at him, I can't just say I don't care about him.
I'm pretty sure I love him.
What is he doing now? I wondered.
The thoughts consumed me and before I knew it, it was time for REC. I always hang in the outside at this time, but now that I had made what could be a friend, I wanted to go where he was going.
"Hey", I started, "What do you usually do at this time?"
"I go to the library. I don't like people too much. But you're welcome to join X." He said.
I smiled slightly and followed him to the part of the huge building.
I guess it won't be too bad here.
___________________________
The only people who knows I've been locked up is my mom, Jarad, Gazzy, and Omar. I told them not to visit me though. They shouldn't see me like this, at my absolute worst.
This hellhole of a place can really change a person, drive them insane with no chances of being normal ever again.
But you're time here isn't always so bad though. There are times when you can just meditate. Think over your actions. Where you can change in life. Where you went wrong, and how to overcome the sadness in your heart.
While sitting in the library with Uzi today, I kept thinking about Stokeley. I ended up writing what I felt. Sad.
Who am I?
Someone that's afraid to let go.
You decide
If you're ever gonna let me know, yeah.
Suicide
If you ever try to let go.
I'm sad I know yeah, I'm sad I know yeah.
I gave him everything, he took my heart and left me lonely.
I've been broken, heart's contentious
I won't fix, I'd rather weep.
I'm lost and I'm found but
It's torture being in love.
I love when you're around but
I fuckin hate when you leave.
That's all I feel at the moment. I want to be numb. I've tried to convince myself that I am. But I guess I'm really not.
I hate it here, I hate Stokeley but I miss him so bad.
I'm nothing without him.
But fuck him.
That ministry is probably gonna turn his ass straight, due to his father's request. Then he won't have time for me anymore, he'll probably look for a girl.
Life fuckin sucks.
I can't wait til I'm out this bitch.
Yoooooooooo wattup.
Who listened to Stokeley??? What's your fave song?? Mine is Faucet Failure and U and I.
My daddy really made a hit 😆😆
Bye.