Dougal Lathem
When we last checked in with Dougal, we learned about the challenges of raising a zombie child. Today, we followed up to see how things are going.
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Has there been any change with Zombie Angel?
Sort of. He's a little taller, and a lot stinkier. Oh, and he's lost his baby teeth.
Well, that sounds normal at least.
It does. Except they fell out all at once.
I didn't know that was a zombie thing.
It's not. It's a falling face-first down the stairs thing.
Oh.
And it led to a really huge argument between me and Kevin.
About what?
Whether or not The Tooth Fairy would visit Angel.
Which side was Kevin on?
He was very much Team Tooth Fairy.
And you?
I was Team Are You Out of Your Mind I Mean Kevin Seriously Get A Grip Jeez You're Acting Crazier Than Natalie Portman In Black Swan What Do You Mean You Didn't See It Kevin It Is A Gripping Tale Of Madness And Lesbian Ballerina Sex With Mila Kunis.
That's a very long team name.
I was going to have T-shirts made, but they would have been the size Kanye West's ego.
I don't get it.
Of course you don't. The point is that Kevin was acting crazy. I mean, first of all, there's the issue of trying to sneak money under Angel's pillow when he never, ever ever sleeps! He just stares out you, wheezing, so good luck with that! But more important, in the history of the world, has anyone heard of The Tooth Fairy visiting a zombie?
You know the Tooth Fairy isn't real, right?
That's not the point, Rubicon! It's the principle of the thing.
What principle?
Reality! That's the principle! OK, you know those intense pet owners who insist that their pets are way more humanlike than they really are? I once met a woman, Fran, who made her cats become vegans. She acted like she was doing it for her cats, but really she was trying to impress everybody else. "Look at me, everybody! I'm such a good person that even my cats are helping heal the earth by eating a socially conscious diet! Yeah, I know they don't usually care about factory farming, but mine do!" Meanwhile, the cats would literally murder Fran for a piece of meat if they could. It's the same thing with Kevin.
How so?
He's acting like Angel is just a regular kid who does regular kid things and everything is fine and dandy.
Did you just use the phrase fine and dandy?
Ugh! Yes! I hardly know who I am anymore. But the point is that Kevin wants the Tooth Fairy to come not because it means anything to Angel who would happily — well, blankly — tear out our throats, but to prove to everyone that he's a good mother/father.
So what? Parents do that all the time.
I know. Back in my day—
Did you just use the phrase "back in my day?"
God damn it! Anyway, when I was growing up, parents showed their love by buying stuff for their kids. The latest video games, the newest smartphones, the coolest cars, all to one-up the neighbors. Of course, mine didn't. They said Jesus didn't approve of material wealth. They said that going without would "build character."
You have to admit: It worked! You became quite a character!
Are you trying to be funny, Rubicon? Because you are so not.
Sorry. But I still don't see the harm.
Because, the parents at Just For Kids are super-competitive. And once they heard that Kevin was doing the Tooth Fairy thing, they had to one-up the ante.
How do they do that?
OK, so Kevin mentions the Tooth Fairy thing to the Walshes, another couple from Just For Kids with a zombie kid. And the Walshes were all, "Oh, yeah? Well... we signed Zack up for soccer!" Then, not to be outdone, the Changs signed their daughter up for — what else? — violin lessons. After which, the Solomons signed up their son for horse riding lessons — which was a real horror show — but not compared to the Cardos's twins. They took them skiing, which wasn't the best idea because it was so cold their kids shattered.
Wow.
I gets worse. Because then Rod and Tish brought it to a whole other level.
How so?
They actually started to dress up like zombies. They shuffled around. They only said "Rrrrr!" around Sebastian. They wore the same outfit every day, no matter how foul it smelled.
Did Sebastian appreciate their parents' efforts?
Sebastian was an ungrateful little shit when he was human; he certainly didn't get more grateful when he became a zombie. But like I said, it had nothing to do with Sebastian. It was about the other parents. Rod and Tish were showing the them that they loved their son so much that they were willing to live as a zombie!
What did the other parents do?
They had no choice. They had to pretend to be zombies, too, or they'd look like total jerks. And then things got weird.
It wasn't weird before?
I told you, parents are very competitive. Soon it wasn't enough to just go around pretending to be a zombie. Some parents got professional makeup artists to give them waxy gray skin and red eyes. Others took movement classes so they moved like real zombies. Others hired an acting coach to teach zombie mannerisms and the right way to Rrrrr!
Wow.
And just when it looked like all this went as far as it could go,then Rod and Tish took one more step.
Which was?
The ultimate proof that they were the loving-est parents in the history of parent-dom. They let Sebastian bite them.
What?!
They said that they wanted to be a real family again and this was the only way to unite them.
That makes no sense.
Well, that's what they said in their video.
Of course they had a video.
They did it on Sebastian's birthday. Rod and Tish's present to their darling son. They sang happy birthday — terribly — and then they let themselves get bit. It was kind of touching and kind of horrifying. Like a snuff film on the Hallmark Channel.
What was the reaction of the other parents?
They were pretty mad.
Why?
Because now they had no choice but to let their zombie kids bite them, too.
Or... they could not do that.
You think it's that easy? Look, none of us know what we're doing. But some of us think they know what they're doing, so we do what they do. If their kid sleeps on his back, we make our kid sleep on his back. And then, six months later, when they decide that their kid should sleep on his front, we flip our kid over and make him sleep on his front. And when they get it in their heads that their kid should sleep upside down hanging by his toes like a bat, we'll do that, too. Because we know we don't know and they think they do.
Are you saying that other parents also let their kids bite them?
In hindsight, it's not that surprising. Really, once we became OK with zombie playdates, it was just a matter of time before we all went Zombie Jonestown.
But you're not going to do that.
Not yet. We're waiting.
Waiting for what?
Angel's permanent teeth to come in.