LINDY AWOKE THE next morning with her face on Kurt's bare chest, her arm slung over him and her body nestled close against the space next to his.
Her eyes slowly parted when she felt her face rising and falling with the gentle movement of Kurt's breathing, each exhale and inhale slow and peaceful.
At first, she remembered nothing but wonderful, other-worldly pleasure. She recalled moments from the night before where Kurt had held her tighter, kissed her more deeply and sighed with happiness when she moved against him in ways that had led to indescribable feeling.
It had been better than she dreamed it would be. Their physical reunion had been something that she had never thought would happen. But it had happened, and it had been perfect.
But then she remembered everything else and suddenly, she and Kurt were not alone in their loving togetherness, at least not in her mind.
Lindy shot up, the covers pooling around her waist as she took a shaky breath. She rubbed her eyes furiously and looked back at Kurt, who was still fast asleep.
They had done something bad. Very bad.
Kurt had cheated on Courtney.
Lindy had cheated on Jack.
She forced the cry in her throat back down. Never, never would she have deliberately set out to hurt another person. But she'd done it. She'd stabbed Jack in the back and she'd done it without even a second thought.
Making love with Kurt for the first time in two years had been the easiest decision that she'd ever made.
Jack had not even flitted into her mind when she'd been underneath Kurt, her fingers digging into his back with satisfaction, her eyes wrenched closed as she'd called out Kurt's name over and over.
And then there was Courtney. No matter what had happened between her and Kurt, they were still husband and wife. Kurt had still gone behind her back and slept with another woman.
As she sat in her bed trembling with terrible thoughts of guilt, Lindy could not find a proper excuse as to why they had committed such an act of betrayal.
Kurt slowly began to wake up, yawning and reaching out in search of Lindy. When his hand touched her bare back, he smiled, leaning up and kissing the warm skin of her shoulders. She shivered, but not out of pleasure.
"Good morning," Kurt murmured. He rested his chin on her shoulder and Lindy felt his hair tickle her cheek.
"Kurt," she whispered. "What the fuck did we do?"
Kurt, taken aback by this response from her, moved away so that he could take a moment to re-evaluate her.
"What do you mean? We . . . well, we . . ."
"Had sex," Lindy finished. "We cheated on our significant others."
Kurt sighed, then lowered his head into his hands. He raked his fingers backwards through his hair as he too began to understand the consequences of what they had done.
"Fuck," he cursed harshly, knocking his fist into one of her pillows.
"I know," Lindy whispered. "I know. It's bad."
"It's not bad," Kurt said quickly. "I don't regret what happened, Lindy."
"But look at us! We fucked up!" Lindy cried, leaping to her feet without even paying mind to the fact that she was completely naked. This became much of a distraction to Kurt, whose eyes fully roved over her body before settling back on her face.
"Are you saying that you regret it?"
Lindy's panic deflated as Kurt asked this question. It made her all the more guiltier because she knew that she would not have changed what had happened for a single second.
"I don't. But that doesn't mean that it wasn't wrong," Lindy said. She sat back down on the edge of the bed, grabbing the sheets and pulling them to her chest.
"Lindy, last night felt like the first thing I've done right in so fucking long," Kurt declared, though his voice shook with the confession. "I'm not going to act like I want to go back and have a re-do."
Lindy mashed her lips together, desperately not wanting to cry in front of him. She couldn't help it. She cared about Jack so much. He was so kind to her and she had taken his kindness and effectively buried it into the dirt.
"Lindy, please don't be upset," Kurt pleaded softly. "I don't want you to be sad right now."
Cautiously, he reached out and touched her. When she did not flinch, he moved closer until he too was sitting on the edge of the bed. He gently kissed her shoulder and rested his forehead there, looking down at the tangled sheets.
"I love you," he mumbled, consumed with worry that she was going to leave him.
Lindy, whose tears were resting on the brims of her eyes, leaned her head against Kurt's. It was undeniable that she wanted, no, she needed him now more than ever before.
Losing Kurt once was hard enough. She didn't want to ever go through it again.
"I love you too," she said, clasping her hand with his. It felt like such a natural thing to say. Those three words in her vocabulary belonged to Kurt and only Kurt.
"This will be hard," Kurt warned, sounding weary of this undeniable truth. "And it's not going to be morally right. But I'm not ready to give you up. I won't let you go."
Something about the way he had phrased this troubled Lindy. She imagined him going back to Courtney and lovingly embracing her, kissing her lips only hours after he'd kissed hers. It would be like living a double life, pretending that once he was with Courtney, Lindy didn't even exist at all. Or at least, that's how she saw it.
"So what are you saying? That I'm going to be your little mistress every night before you go back home to your wife?"
Kurt's eyes widened with shock. "Lindy, that's not what I meant at all!"
Lindy pulled away slightly, hugging her arms around her chest. She was beginning to hate the useless feeling that was starting to gnaw at her as she saw herself as the 'other woman.'
"Don't," Kurt begged. "Please don't. That's not what I want at all, okay?"
"Then what do you want? Because if it's me, wouldn't you choose me then?"
"I am choosing you, Lindy. Fuck, it's not even a choice, it's always been you. My point is, I've got a child with Courtney whom I love with all my heart and who I also choose as well in this situation. I won't turn my back on her. And then there's the press who follow us around like fucking vultures. And not to mention, Courtney would probably kill you if she knew that you existed."
Lindy frowned and looked away from Kurt. All she saw in her head was the picture that he'd shown her of Frances, staring up at her father as he snapped her photo, preserving her the way she was in that exact moment.
She didn't know Frances, but she was Kurt's baby. And she didn't want Frances to have her life torn in half so early on, before she could even realize that she had once had two parents who were happy together.
Next to all of this, the thought of what chaos would follow if she and Kurt officially disclosed their new relationship sounded frightening. And besides, there was still Jack to be dealt with. If she feared confessing to him that she loved someone else, she supposed she had no right of accusing Kurt of the same fault.
"What a mess," Lindy said. Kurt took a piece of her hair between his fingers, whisking it away from her face.
"I know it is. But we'll get through it."
It was odd hearing Kurt be the optimistic one in the face of such problematic circumstances. Lindy could only assume that it was because he really did want her. He must have wanted her so badly that he would put aside his pessimism about what was happening to keep her hopeful.
Lindy decided that she would take his word. She curled herself into his arms and kissed him. She wanted to savor him all morning. The fact that she could kiss him freely now felt like a Christmas gift come early.
"You should probably go back to Courtney," Lindy told him, breaking away from their rapid, hungry kisses.
"What?" Kurt said, knitting his eyebrows. This was the last thing he had expected her to say in the middle of their lips being so closely locked together.
"It's Christmas Eve, Kurt. At least make me feel a little less guilty and go be with your family."
"I can't just have sex with you all night and then get up to leave the next morning," Kurt grimaced.
"It's all about making it work," Lindy said, hating herself for saying it but knowing it was the only thing that would make them both feel better about the situation.
Kurt obliged, getting out of bed to dress himself and prepare to leave. Lindy pulled on a night shirt and sweat pants, feeling rejuvenated despite her nagging conscience. Sleeping next to Kurt had done apparent wonders for her health.
When she opened the door to let him leave, Kurt paused to kiss her, stretching the kiss for as long as he possibly could. She felt his hands tangle themselves in her hair, feeling for the reminder that she truly was physically there for him to love and appreciate.
"Love you," he whispered in her ear, leaning his forehead against hers.
"Love you back," she told him gently.
"I'm going to Brazil in January. So if you don't hear from me . . ." Kurt trailed off, and the worry in his voice made Lindy think that he believed she would be angry with him for disappearing with the band as he'd done in the past.
There would be none of that. Their situation was too precarious for her to give him hell over the things that he could no longer control. It was just the way that his life was.
"I understand. I'll see you when I see you," she told him assuredly.
He kissed her forehead and inhaled deeply, smelling her lovely floral scent before turning away, jogging down her apartment stairs and into the parking lot.
Lindy didn't feel sad to see him go. She actually felt secretly thrilled to see what would happen next. She knew with all of her heart that Kurt meant what he had said.
He loved her.
He wanted her.
Lindy closed her front door and leaned back, sliding down the length of it until she found herself sitting on the floor.
Her thoughts were a tangled web, a jumbled mess of happiness, dread, and confusion. But one very clear thing stood out.
She'd have to finally tell Trae and Beth what was happening.