Posted: November 22nd, 2018
♛ Jhanvi ♛
2.17 Let Him Go
Minutes into the walk, Aarush speaks up. "Can I ask you a question?"
I glance sideways in surprise, "That's new for once."
"Hmm?"
I shake my head at his confusion. It's usually me asking the questions. "Nothing, never mind. What's the question?"
"I'm sorry if I'm crossing my boundaries." He apologizes beforehand.
"Just ask the question, Aarush." I wave off his hesitancies, "I promise you, none of your questions would offend me."
"You're out here."
"Yes, for a walk." I point out the fact he already knows.
He gives me a look for interrupting and I smile back. He continues, "While they are inside and you are friends with Annie."
I point out as I continue to walk, "I don't hear a question."
"I overheard that conversation you had with her at the hospital." Ah. Now I catch the unasked question. When I look at him, he quickly defends himself, "I know it was wrong of me to. But it's hard not to. I can make myself invisible but unfortunately, we still see and hear everything."
I voice out the question just so we're on the same page. "You're trying to understand how I can be friends with someone who's in love with the man I'm married to."
He nods in confirmation.
Knowing no one else is around and I trust him, I offer him another question. "What if I were to tell you he is in love with her too?" His eyes widen as I give him an answer without directly giving him a confirmation. "And... what if... I were to tell you she is not the 'other woman' but I am?"
"I don't understand."
It's simple really, isn't it? I'm sure he understands what I told him but not the 'why' behind the current situation.
"Stick around and you just might." Seconds of silence later, I speak. "So, my turn to ask a question?" When his brows narrow, I clarify. "You asked a question. It's only fair I get to ask one in return."
He nods folding his hands behind him, "Ah, I see. Well then, go on."
"How come you are here? Surely someone of your caliber could have their pick of any assignment in the army?
"Once I take on a job, I see it through." The answer he gives if of a side question of why he chose to come to Australia with us when he could have sent anyone else.
"Good to know but that's not what I asked."
He assesses my face as if debating whether or not to reply honestly. When I hold his gaze, he exhales audibly. "Your family."
I stop walking, "You knew my parents?"
He shakes his head slightly, "No, not personally. But my parents knew your grandfather. He was actively involved with the military."
"I didn't know that." I murmur at the information about my grandfather.
He easily offers more without me having to push, "In those days, kings still held power. Your grandfather was one to hold a voice. He was quite an impressionable man, from the stories I've heard. A lot of our military law was shaped by his help. Even if it might not mean much... we belie ve we owe your family. If we can help catch those responsible for your parents' death... It still won't be enough but it'll be something."
I had no idea my grandfather was a prominent figure. Based on the way Mohini bua talked about him, I seemed to have sidelined who he may have been and only focusing on his personal characteristics. I failed to realize until now the perhaps the reason she was at odd terms with her father was because of how her brother, my father, manipulated him into going against her. It was narrow-minded of me to put it simply that he had wronged her. There's a whole history with the estate that I have yet to familiarize myself with. The conversation from earlier today with Aarav comes back to me. This is why I have to go soon. There's much to find out about who I am.
"Thank you," I say with my eyes lowered to the floor.
"Your dad may have been the way your aunt describes him. I didn't personally know him, but I do believe royalty was still in his blood, much like it is in yours. You are a leader too like them. I know it probably doesn't feel like it right now but the more you learn about them, the more you'll realize..."
"This is the most I've ever heard you speak."
He speaks a bit teasingly, "You were being quiet. Someone had to maintain the balance."
I smile back locking my eyes with his. It's as it has been since day 1. When I glance up, he is already looking at me. Now... even if it might be a part of his job, it still makes me feel different. It still makes me question... wonder, if it is more than that. "I'm not usually talkative either."
"Why do I find that hard to believe?"
I inhale deeply and exhale slowly. We resume walking. "Lately, I haven't been who I used to be. Honestly, I don't know who I am in the first place. I'm still figuring that out. I do know... I prefer to internalize. I don't talk about my thoughts or feelings with anyone. For years, I had no one to share it with anyway. Aarav was the first to get through." I chuckle, "See, I'm babbling now because I'm all over the place."
"A piece of advice? Don't fight what you can't control. Embrace it and then the world will appear differently."
I raise a brow in curiosity, "Speaking from experience?"
"I've never been pregnant," he says and I laugh, "but generally speaking, yeah. Why exhaust energy when it can be better spent elsewhere? Better to embrace and move on."
I deduce from his words. "So, you don't like people who whine endlessly because things aren't going their way."
"Something like that."
It may seem the smallest piece of information but I still smile. It's something about him that he chooses to divulge when he doesn't have to. In fact, we didn't need to have this entire conversation. However, he initiated. Even yesterday afternoon, he initiated when he could have easily chosen to remain silent as he had been since we've met.
I don't know what brings about this change but I imagine he is trying to change as well... adapt to the demands of the situation. That tells me more about him than anything. His efforts should mean something.
Five minutes later, he suggests. "We should head back in."
I nod and we turn to walk back. Vikas or Aarush, whoever is with us when outside, they always put a time frame to the amount of time it's deemed safe to be out of the house.
At one point, I pause and my palm goes to my stomach as I squeeze my eyes shut. "Jhanvi?" He calls walking a step back to stand beside me and reaching for my upper arm as if to help me keep my balance. "What's wrong?"
I shake my head inhaling sharply through my mouth. I wait a few seconds as the pain fades. "I'm okay." I blink furiously to get the vertigo away from having closed my eyes too tightly.
"Are you sure?" He questions in concern. "You don't look okay."
I repeat, "I'm okay."
"Let's get you inside," he murmurs offering his hand seeing as I am still clenching my jaw. This guy observes too many expressions to see past my words. Having no energy to, I don't fight on this. I slip my hand in his and allow him to support me to walk back. He keeps the other hand around my shoulder.
A few steps later, I feel that sharp pain again. My grip on his hand tightens as I stop walking again and hunch a little. A tiny groan escapes my lips. My abdomen suddenly tightens. There are cramps. And then there is this.
I gasp for breath just as he asks, "Are you...?"
I shake my head, "No, too early."
"It could be..."
"No." I sternly cut him off refusing to let him finish that thought. There is no way this baby is coming this early. I have read enough about preterm babies and the risks. This is not happening.
Today is supposed to be a good day.
As the pain fades again, I stand straighter and loosen my grip on his hand. Color instantly returns to the skin. Not once did he complain that I was cutting off his blood supply. Feeling bad, I pull my hand out of his and let it fall by my side. "Sorry." When I glance at his face, I notice he is least worried over it. His eyes are filled with concern as they search mines. "I'm okay, promise."
Since we're close to the house, he nods but doesn't look convinced. Honestly, I'm not sure I would believe myself.
As soon as we enter and I have seated on the couch, he informs. "I'm calling the doctor."
"That's not necessary, really." I try to dissuade him from the task but he doesn't listen. He reaches for his phone while walking towards the bedroom. I thought he was going to his room but walks further and knocks on our bedroom where Annie and Aarav are talking.
I may have found my first reason to be irritated at him. "Don't do that! I told you it's nothing."
He continues to pay no attention to me. Great, it's not like this isn't happening to me. They're going to feel like such fools when even the doctor tells them I am not going into labor.
The door opens and probably seeing the look on his face, Aarav walks out further. "What happened?" He reaches me in concern once Aarush tells him of the incident and seconds after, Annie follows.
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The doctor announces when letting everyone into the room, "False alarm."
I glare at the audience, "I told you."
She goes on to instruct, "You missy, take it easy. All this stress isn't good for the baby."
Aarav uses the opportunity to add, "I have to force feed her."
I squint at him since that gets her to give me a long lecture and what follows are promises of taking better care of myself.
When she turns to leave, I pick a pillow near me and throw it at him. He could have been a good friend and not snitched. But no. He throws me a look that says 'behave' as he catches the pillow and throws it back on the bed by my leg.
I bend over to grab it and return it to his side of the bed. I glance at Annie as she stands up from the opposite side of the bed, "I should get going."
I object unsure if Aarav and she were able to talk... if Aarav had the chance to tell her everything he wanted to. "Already? Stay for lunch!"
She sticks to her decision, "I have to get back to work, sorry. I'll visit again soon though."
"Are you lying?" I challenge. "Don't make me go in early delivery just to get you back here."
She chuckles walking around the bed to my side, "Promise, Jhanvi. I'll be back. You just take care of my godchild for me and don't stress about anything else."
Getting my answer in between the words, I change my mind and don't stop her. I believe she'll be back when she has the time. She reaches forward in a tight hug and I catch all the unsaid words in that one embrace. All the feelings that couldn't be put into enough words to justify their meaning.
I could understand what it meant to her.
I squeeze her hand back to let her know it was nothing. It wasn't hard at all to do this. The second I knew her feelings and his cloaked ones as well, the answer was quite simple. There never really was a decision to make.
When she reaches the door, she briefly turns to ask, "Why did you make him realize?"
"Because... he may have kept me in his heart but you... you were always his heart beat. Annie, you said you were not a cheater or someone who breaks someone's home and you're not. I don't know who I am yet, but I do know who I am not. I am not someone who would keep someone for myself on the name of a promise they made when they didn't even understand the meaning of it."
She tucks her hair behind her eyes letting out a soft laugh to herself. "I used to think I was a really good friend..."
I assure her, "You are."
"But you're better. You did what I wasn't able to no matter how hard I kept on trying."
I shrug my shoulder, "he came in my life only recently. He was always in yours. Trust me, it was easier to let him go. Don't be too hard on yourself. If I had known him as long as you do, I imagine I wouldn't be able to do this either."
She questions, "You were falling for him, weren't you?"
I smile to ease her worries, "It doesn't matter. It was different..."
"If I had stayed away..."
I stop her there itself, "Oh, don't even go there. It would have just left all three of us miserable then because even if I had fallen completely for him, I would have eventually known. He would have been with me but his heart would have been miles away." She lowers her head probably having her internal debate. I attempt to offer a truth that I hope will help her make the right choice, "I don't know what you've decided, Annie, and I won't ask either but you should know, even if you choose to walk away, all Aarav and I ever will be is friends."
She listens but doesn't react. "See you," she bids and turns to leave. I have no idea what to take from this but one thing is for sure... she hasn't given Aarav her answer either.
He has to be as clueless.
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"Did you know my grandfather was involved in the army?" I ask Aarav that evening as its one of the many topics I've still been thinking about during the day.
He denies, "No... your parents weren't close to your grandparents. I think they didn't like that your dad chose to leave the estate and venture into business instead of looking after his responsibilities there."
"Yeah, I imagine that was frowned upon."
"Where did you learn this?"
"Oh, Aarush mentioned it today."
"Good to know you two are getting somewhere."
I shrug my shoulder, "Eh... I wouldn't call it that exactly. I'm guessing you don't know a lot about my parents either?"
He turns to his side and plops his head on his palm, "There's things I've heard about them but I'm sure you're not interested in stories. Your mom though - I spent a good chunk of time with whenever I was at your place. That gold chain you wear? It was hers."
My hand unconsciously reaches for the chain around my neck at its mention. "I've just always worn this."
"Yeah... she was wearing it the day they..." He trails off momentarily and I catch the words. The day they were killed. "It was held in evidence as artifacts... everything on them was but dad made sure to get the police to release this to him. We wanted you to have something to hold on to your parents' memory with. She would've wanted you to have it."
Each time he touches me with his gestures. "Thank you," I say the word that I believe I can say a million times and it still won't be enough. "You know, I hold on to it whenever I feel lost. I don't know when that became a habit or why it made me feel better since I didn't know it was hers."
He counters, "You didn't remember it. But, you always knew in your heart."
I look down at it, twirling it around my index finger. "I guess I did."
It explains the familiarity I always felt when I'd look at it. It always gave me peace, gave me strength when I needed it most. I realize even if I didn't know it, I always felt their presence in my life. Even in their physical absence, they made sure I was looked after... they made sure I would be cared for. It took some years to reach me but what matters is that it did reach eventually.
I know now... Now, there is only looking ahead. There are many things I have to do in the near future and I couldn't let my steps falter. I have to hold my chin up, let go of any doubts, and just reach for things that were meant for me.
As Aarush said... things I cannot control, I have to embrace. Things I do not know, I have to learn.
"Do you want to know why I call you Shona?" I blink sideways when he speaks again and obviously, I nod. "Your mom was of Southern descent. This endearment is quite common there, you know? As a child though, it was the first time I'd heard it and I loved the word. She used to call you that all the time. It was a different thing that back then, I would say it just to irritate you. But now... now I continue to call you that because I feel it's a way to keep her alive. I know it sounds silly..."
I shake my head wiping my lashes, "It doesn't."
He nods, "It feels right, like someone should be around to call you that. To remind you that family is always just within reach and you're not alone."
"I do know that now," I whisper in response.
It's one of the biggest things I've felt this year. That, in this life, I am not alone. I have the best set of people I could have wished for. People dream of such a family and they were always mine. I just had to wait to be out of hibernation to realize it.
Even through a yawn, I ask, "Tell me more?"
His head settles back in the pillow after he turns off the lights and proceeds to tell me more about my mother from what he can remember.
This one night, after many days, I don't wake up in the middle of the night in a sweat and a bad dream. I sleep through the entire night in peace. Peace with myself, my life, the world around me.
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∞ author note ∞
Happy Thanksgiving to those who celebrate it!