I roll over and reach out across my bunk and into hers. It's cold and empty just like her face and hands must be. In sleeping she always looked so small and harmless. I haven't dared see her yet and I wonder if she will look the same way in death.
I only found out today and tonight will be my first without her. I don't think I will survive it. When I first found out it felt like I was the dead one instead off her. I felt horrible and shallow like I was stuck in a pit and would never escape. Since then I haven't eat, slept, talked or stopped crying.
I never cried often as a child. It's not that things didn't upset me, I just looked at it as if I ran out of tears a long time ago. I thought that up until I met her. When that grey and not black pile of fabric wrapped around a small and childish body first fell into the net. That was when I started to realise that maybe I did have more tears to cry.
Marcus taught me not to cry at physical pain. Amar taught me not to cry at mental pain. Tris taught me that it's okay to cry at emotional pain. After I found out I went to the room that we slept in together under a week ago. Now I lie in the darkness of our dorm room trying to forget what I know I can't.
I try to concentrate on everyone's breathing. Christina occupies the bed across from me. I can tell from the way her head is shoved into her pillow that she is not sleeping. She is muffling out her crying. Of corse she is crying. Of corse she is upset. She lost her best friend. I lost my love.
The tears start to flow again and their warmth burns through me skin. I have never cried this much. Not since my mother 'died'. I reach my hand out once again into her bed and reach up under the pillow. My numb fingertips find soft fabric. I tug it out and find that it's a black dauntless jumper. It's just as black as the pits that used to make up Marcus' eyes in my fear landscape.
I wonder if I still have four fears. Do I have more after everything I have found out? Do I have less because even if I watch Tris die I know she is already dead? Can I be afraid of something that has happened? I don't know. I hold the shirt close to me and scream silently until my lungs burn for air. Then I scream again and again until the edges of my vision go black and I see the world around me fade.