Sighing, I strolled through the park barefoot, letting the sun warm my skin as the grass was soft beneath my feet. My hands were shoved into my jacket pockets until my phone started ringing. Without even looking at who it was, I pulled it out, broke it in half, and then tossed it over my shoulder.
Whistling, I laced my fingers behind my head and continued my pleasant walk in the bright sun.
~
"Yo, Anya, still willing to let me work?" I bounced into the Magic Box, still barefoot since I had lost my shoes in the park. She froze where she was and looked uncertain of something.
"You aren't....You aren't mad at me?"
"For what?" I chuckled, dropping my jacket onto the back of a chair.
"....The 'thing'....with-"
"No, don't be silly!" I shrugged. "I had already stopped my thing with Spike, and we weren't even dating to begin with, so it wasn't like he cheated on me. But let's not talk about that- How's your day been? Have a good breakfast? Lunch?"
"....Aud, I don't think I understand why you're acting so....chipper. I saw how you-"
"How could I not be chipper? I smell like the sun instead of disgusting grease for once in a long while, and to top it off, I've almost no more secrets with my friends." I laughed while pointing. "So, boss, what's the agenda for toda-" I was cut off as she hugged me.
"Aud, I'm so sorry." She whispered, hugging me tighter. "I didn't know you loved him, I didn't know you were the girl he was talking about, I didn't know. Gods, I didn't know. This is your first love and your first heartbreak, so I do know your pain. For a thousand years, I was at the beck and call of countless heartbroken women, so I know. Stop pretending. You don't have to fake it with me, I understand love and heartbreak better than any of them- It's part of my job." Anya spoke so softly and held me so tightly, and the dam broke.
I fell to my knees, wailing in anguish from the pain and the hole in my chest. Anya continued to hold me even after I burst into flames. Not that it would have bothered her, being a Vengeance demon again kind of gave her a resistance to this low-level fire of sorrow. I clung to her like a child as I sobbed. This amount of confusion and hurt was unknown to me until now- I had no tolerance to it. I had only found out too late how I felt about that blond vampire, but it didn't even matter because I knew I couldn't be with a person like him.
Sure, he could be gentle and kind, but he was still soulless and evil, and the bad that he does made anything with him impossible. Anya began to shake in my arms, crying as well because of her own pain. We both lost our focus to keep our human forms, but it was okay....neither of us was human. Anya wouldn't judge me on how I truly looked with my patches of pitch-black skin, fiery hair, daunting claws, or even my tail and paws. Baring my fangs as my steaming tears began to drip like tar down my cheeks, I just let out all of my frustrations through crying.
We just stayed there a while, providing one another a sense of understanding no one else could give. However, after the tears finally ended, Anya eventually went back to work, and I went to the room in the back to lay on the concrete floor. My hair was still in flames, but I didn't care as I stared at the wall.
All I had to do now was think- Anya had said it was best to be on my own to figure out what all was going on with me. How I felt about everything, what I was going to do next. So I laid there in my full demonic form and slowly blinked while staring at the little holes and lines in the brick wall even as night came.
"Go away." My voice was quiet in the dark as I heard the back door open and smelt who came in.
"We have to talk."
"I don't want to talk to you."
"Well, this isn't just about you."
"Just leave."
"I'm sorry. Not that it matters anymore, but I thought you needed to know that." Spike stepped closer, his boots echoing in the silent room.
"Why?" I had yet to move from my spot and was still staring at the wall.
"Because I care about you."
"Then you might want to try not sleeping with my friends." My voice was empty of emotion as all that I was feeling was being slowly picked apart piece by piece in my head.
"I didn't go to Anya for that, I was looking for a spell." The blond replied, making me scoff.
"You were going to use a spell on me?"
"It wasn't for you!" Spike huffed. "I wanted something." It sounded like he smacked a hand onto his chest. "Anything to make these feelings stop. I just wanted it to stop! ....Should have let him kill me."
"No, she shouldn't have."
"Why would you even care?"
"You know why." I answered.
"....Because you love me?"
"No."
"Aud, I saw the look in your eyes. You can't deny it anymore."
"Fine. I do. But I can't."
"What do you mean you can't? It's not that hard! They already know about us, what's holding you back now?" The vampire took a few more steps closer, and I propped myself up to look at him.
"You."
"What?" He gave a confused laugh.
"I can't even trust you, William." I stated.
"Trust," He chuckled while shaking his head. "is for old marrieds, Aud. Great love is wild, and passionate, and dangerous- It burns, it consumes." Spike reached out to touch my cheek, but I grabbed his wrist to stop him.
"Love like that doesn't last. When the fire's gone, all that's left is ash." I looked into his eyes as they reflected the light from my fire, and I lowered his hand away from my face. "What I felt, what I feel, I don't want to watch that whither away. Being with you as you are- that's exactly what will happen. You're evil, and you're soulless, and I won't let myself be dragged into the darkness and be snuffed out by you. You can't change your nature, William, and I won't change mine. I live between the worlds because of what I am, but because of who I am, I have a place to call home and people that will love me until the end of time. I will not give all that away just because you want to burn."
"Come on, Aud-"
"No." My voice was firm, making him stop. "I've said what I needed to, and there's nothing you can say in return to make me change my mind. I can't love you because of who you are, not what you are."
"Then why the bloody Hell do you keep throwing it in my face how I don't have a soul?!" His jaw clenched.
"Because even without a soul, you still know right from wrong and choose to do what you do. You said you would never hurt me, but that's exactly what you've been doing."
"And it's okay for you to hurt me, is it? String me along and then drop me whenever it's convenient for you?"
"No, it's not okay. I never said it was."
"Then-"
"If you truly love me, leave. Before this becomes too toxic, and neither one of us can make it out."
"Aud, you can't ask me to do that."
"I did, and I meant it." I got to my feet as he watched me. "Either you leave, or I do."
"Aud...." His voice was pleading now. "You know I can't do that to you, you'd hate me too much-"
"Now you realize that? Yet, time after time, you wanted me to leave it all to be with you. Is it now clear to you why I'm backing away now?" Anger, pain, and sadness swirled in his eyes like a cyclone as he clenched his jaw.
"Like they'd ever really care for a freak like you. I'm the only one that truly understands who and what you are even when you don't. I knew you loved me before you even did, and you know what else? I-" My forehead met his face as I headbutt him and sent him flying.
"This is exactly what I was talking about!" I shouted. "You think calling me a freak and trying to turn me against my family and friends is right? I had everything taken from me once before, so I know what it's like, and never in a million years would I throw it all away willingly!" The fire on my head flared as I waved my hand. "I tried to talk sense into you, but because you're just so one-track-minded and don't care about anything but your own selfish desires, you're doing exactly what I said made me unable to be with you." I continued to yell as Spike got to his feet.
"Like you've ever had everything taken from you, you spoiled little brat." He spat.
"4." I said.
"What?"
"4." My tail swayed as I shifted my weight on my paws. "I was 4 years old when I watched my mother get torn apart while trying to save me. I was 4 years old when a group of demons stripped me of all my belongings including the clothes on my back and sold me like a slave on the black market. I was 4 years old when the beatings started- the whipping, the branding, the breaking. Of course, no one would have ever known because of how I heal. They loved that bit. They loved to play a game to see what would leave the wound that lasted the longest. 4 years old and a demon circus buys me and treats me just as bad, worse even, as I was forced to perform and be lit on fire night after night after night for their amusement."
"I lost my mother, I lost my dignity, I lost everything except my first name, and that was only because they thought it had a nice ring to it- Aud the Oddity." I spat. "I can hardly remember my mother's face without blood on it, and I can't even remember her name. So you want to call me a spoiled brat?" I shoved him back while flashing my fangs. "You want to be just like those men and take everything away from me?! You want me to love you while knowing what kind of person you are, willing to turn a blind eye to what you've done so long as you've gotten what you want?!"
"Get out!" I screamed at him, the fire spreading from my scalp down to my arms. "You're just like them, and you wonder why I can't love you?! Fucking leave!" My roar shook the air, and it seemed to finally get through Spike's thick skull the severity of the situation. He ran out before I fell to my knees again.
I was tired. Too tired to do anything now, and all I wanted to do now was sleep for eternity. My fire went out as my hair flopped onto my back, and I curled up on the floor.
~
"Aud. Aud. Hey, Aud!" Anya was shaking me awake, and I groggily blinked while looking at her. "Good, you're awake. Um, I hate to do this to you now, but I just got a call from Willow, and Buffy kinda needs you. Apparently, the nerd trio got juiced up somehow, and- They're at the amusement park!" The woman called after me as I was already running out.
I got to where they were while Warren was beating the shit out of Buffy. Growling, I leapt from the top of a building and kicked the human, the force of the impact only sending him back a few steps. He cockily laughed, grabbing my ankle and spinning in a circle before throwing me. My tail locked around his neck as I twisted mid-air and dug my claws into his black.
"Heard you got a new kind of constitution, junkie. What'd you shoot up with?"
"Oh, you overgrown furball, I didn't have to shoot up with anything." He pried my tail off and threw me into a money truck, denting the reinforced side. Rolling my shoulders as I felt some parts of my spine pop back into place, I met Warren's gaze and flexed my claws.
"This is perfect- I've been in a rather bad mood, and beating your ass is just the stress relief I need."
"Aud, are you thinking what I'm thinking?" Buffy questioned.
"If the answer is burn, then yes, I am." My hair turned to fire yet again, and I braced myself while taking in a deep breath.
"Go ahead, your little dragon breath doesn't scare me." I went high while Buffy went low, snatching something off of his belt while I distracted him with high-speed balls of fire coming from different directions. "No!" He shouted as Buffy smashed two orbs onto the ground. Then-
My stomach decided to remind me that I hadn't been home in a few days and was starving. Basic instinct took the wheel, and I crashed through a window on a food truck. I was just so damn hungry.
'Fuckin' lovely.'
"Aud. Aud!" Buffy was pulling me out by the collar of my shirt as I was stuffing my face with hotdogs. "I don't see you for days, and then you suddenly show up all demon-y and aggressive, only to then force your way into a food truck to scarf down junk food?" I couldn't really reply with my cheeks filled and my hands holding even more food. Thankfully, she waited until I had chewed and swallowed to get an answer.
"I haven't eaten since....then, and I haven't been so demon-y and emotional in a very long time- The hunger just kind of caught up, I guess."
"Well, come on, before the police see you." Buffy huffed while dragging me out of the amusement park. "When we get home you're going to shower and then explain to us the whole 'Spike' thing- we at least deserve to know why- and you and Xander are going to sit down and have a nice chat. You understand?" My ears drooped, but I nodded.
"It's only fair." I honestly didn't want to talk to Xander.