31. Arya
Being on your own is extremely quiet. As soon as I had closed the door behind me, I felt like all noise was cancelled out. I lay awake in bed now and even though there is traffic right outside my window and my downstairs neighbor is playing European techno, the silence overwhelms me. My thoughts are too loud. It is Friday and I had slept during the drive here so now I am wide awake.
I think that maybe I should start unpacking my things. Boxes are piling up next to my bed. I never thought that I had a lot of stuff but seeing it next to me like this; I remember all my books, art supplies, clothes that I had bought before being taken to the youth home. Memorabilia of my past. Unpacking is going to have to wait.
I have been texting Sam for the past thirty minutes. He's working tonight... So visiting him isn't an option either.
Maybe I should just go for a stroll. Downtown is only a five minute walk away from my flat and a lot has probably changed. Mel, my boss from the art supply store, had called me about six months ago to tell me that she had remodeled the store. So I could probably check that out. It is probably closed by now but Mel usually stays after hours to clean everything up or prepare for the next day.
It's a plan.
I grab my leather jacket and slip on ballet flats. I must admit, online shopping has great advantages. Over the past few months I have found great plus-size stores that offer affordable clothing and I feel a lot better in actually fitting clothes. After I had realized what size clothes I actually need and what size I had been wearing, I wasn't shocked that I had been wearing ill-fitting clothes for the longest time. No wonder I felt awful in everything I wore.
It was chilly outside but not extremely cold and when I start walking, it feels comfortable.
As I walk into the city, I really realize that it's Friday night. Fancy dressed people everywhere. People who are coming from dinner or going to the club. Young people, old people, people who walk their dogs. But no familiar faces yet. I head straight for the art store because I'm ready to talk to someone who knows me... really knows me.
As expected lights are still on in the art store. I knock twice and let myself in. The familiar sound of bells chimes as I open and close the door. Mel is obviously working in the back as I hear her cleaning something. I peak my head around the corner and see her washing out some paint brushes. She turns around when I clear my throat and an expression of shock washes over her face.
I gasp.
"Mel! Look at you!" I exclaim as she drops the paint brushes. "You didn't tell me you were pregnant!"
Mel charges towards me and slings her arms around my neck, "I didn't know you were back! You didn't tell me that either! How are you? How have you been?" She steps back but leaves her hands on my shoulders. "When can you start working again?"
I giggle and hug her once more.
"I'm sorry, I didn't tell you. I am great. Really happy to be back. I've been... well. And I'll start whenever you'll have me back. I need the money to be honest and I can't think of a better place to work."
"Well then you're starting on Monday! Same schedule as before." She grins at me, clapping her hands together. "Now I'll make us some tea and I'll tell you all about this medicine ball", she says pointing to her stomach.
Over tea and cookies Mel tells me everything that I have missed. Apparently she met the perfect man right after I had left. She closed down the shop over Christmas and New Years and spent it with him in New York. They obviously love each other. He moved in with her so she could keep her store as he is a free-lance web designer who can work from home. When they got back from New York he proposed. The original plan was to get married in May this year but by then Mel had already been four months pregnant. They're still going strong now and Mel could have the baby any day now.
"I am so happy for you", I say, reaching over to put my hand over hers. "If anyone deserves this, it's you."
"Thank you." She tears up and I laugh.
"Geez, the pregnancy hormones got you good." Now she laughs as well and gets up.
"I should probably call it a day." She sighs.
"Right, I'll leave you to it. If you need any help just call me and I'll be here. I'm only a few minutes away so please don't hesitate!" I assure her and she smiles at me gratefully.
"Thank you. You're the best." She hugs me once more and we say our goodbyes.
With a smile I leave the store. I yawn and decide to go back home. It's now ten o'clock and the two hours of sleep I got in the car weren't enough to keep me energized for the hard weekend to come.
As I walk towards my apartment building, I start digging through my purse to find my keys. It's strange; having to take keys with me all the time. Usually I would just go straight into the house, be greeted by Sam and the smell of health food. Now, I'm on my own. I have to make sure that I don't lock myself out and always have enough food in the house. Thinking about food makes me hungry. I realize that I haven't had dinner yet.
All thoughts of dinner vanish when I walk up to my door. In front of it sits someone I hadn't expected.
"What are you doing... How did you know?" A mixture of surprise and anger fills me. A lump seems to be stuck in my throat and my chest tightens.
In front of my door sits Ethan. Honestly I had forgotten about him. Maybe I had even denied he ever came into my life and that made it easier to forget about him. But now that he was here I remembered; him playing with me, acting as though he was my friend, him kissing me and then admitting he was really just trying to get back at Seth.
He jumps up and smirks at me. He steps forward to hug me but I push past him and jam my house key into the lock. Twisting twice, the door slides forward and I step into the flat. Ethan takes no time to follow me in.
"Again; What are you doing here?" I ask seriously as I switch on the light.
"Nice place. Bit cold and empty but I'm sure you'll make it your own." He completely ignores me but I'm used to it by now. "I came to visit. You know, stop by and make sure you're fine. Apologize again and hope that you can forgive me after two years."
I open my mouth to say something but he speaks over me. "Look, I graduated early so you won't be seeing me around. I moved out of town and there are a lot of things you don't know. You missed a lot. I just want to clear something up right now." All signs of arrogance are gone from his face and his voice is extremely serious.
We sit down across from each other at the kitchen table.
"I know I fucked up really badly. I know that. But you were... you are my friend. I loved spending time with you and I'm sorry that I gave you a hard time. That was the last thing I wanted to do. I was stupid and to be honest, there was only one thing on my mind-", he sounds sincere but I don't want to hear any more. I put a hand up and now I'm the one taking charge.
"Stop. Please." He narrows his brow at me and I can't help but smile. "Truthfully, I forgave you long ago. I don't think we were ever really friends but I'm not going to hold a grudge. You're obviously very sorry and I am also very sorry about letting everything get so out of control."
"You have no reason to be sorry-"
"I do. I have learned a lot these past two years. Back then I almost put myself into these difficult situations. Even though I probably would have never admitted it, I liked the drama and the stress and the fights. It meant that there were people who gave a crap about me and that was very new." I offer a careful smile before continuing. "I gave you a hard time and, admittedly, you deserved to be given a hard time but I didn't."
"So you're allowing yourself to be selfish for once", Ethan leans forward, a genuine smile on his face. I nod.
"You learn that in therapy."
We both laugh but then the silence returns. My stomach grumbles, making me uncomfortable.
"You hungry?" Ethan asks.
"A bit. Haven't had dinner yet."
"Well let's order some pizza and call it a night." He suggests, taking out his phone before I can object. He has a pizza delivery service on speed dial and orders a large pepperoni pizza.
When the pizza arrives, I get out paper plates and a plastic knife that I had bought in preparation a few days ago. Since there was no tv in here, I also got my laptop and put on some music for background noise.
As we were eating our food, enjoying the strangeness of the situation, a dreadful thought came into mind. Ethan wasn't one to hold back and he has always been a fan of good gossip. Especially when it involved a certain someone. He is either waiting for me to ask or getting ready to tell me unprompted.
"An open book as always." Ethan comments, licking some crumbs off his finger.
"I don't know what you're talking about." I turn to look at my laptop and turn the music up.
"You have this look in your eyes when you're thinking about him, you know? This look that's written about in cheesy romance novel." I know, he's only half joking.
I decide to give in because I can't hide the fact that I am actually interested. "Well tell me about him then." As soon as the words leave my mouth, my whole body starts to heat up. I pull my feet up on the couch and turn towards Ethan. He puts down his paper plate.
"Like I said, a lot has happened but I've also not been here for the whole two years. Last thing I heard was that his parents threatened to kick him out. They didn't but Seth rebelled like crazy. One time he took his sister to a hotel for a whole weekend without his parents noticing. They were out on a business trip or something, I don't really know. When they got back, they freaked out and called the cops on their own son. Crazy folks, I'm telling you."
"When was that?" I ask, breathlessly.
"Maybe around a year ago. Might have been longer than that."
"Anything else?"
"I heard gossip but nothing real." He looked out of the window, avoiding eye-contact.
"Hey! What are you not telling me?" I demand.
"Arya, it's really not worth it. It's just the usual gossip." He sighs but I know the look of surrender when I see it. "He recently got a new girlfriend or that's what I have heard! She moved here around the time when you left. Apparently they met at the... art store. It's all a bit ironic so I don't think it's even true."
My heart shouldn't hurt this much.
"It's fine." I whisper and get off the couch.
I put on a fake smile and brush the pizza crumbs off my jeans. "I don't want to kick you out or anything but I'm really tired. I've got a long weekend ahead of me. We'll text, okay?"
"Don't let this get to your head." Ethan hugs me, turns and leaves.