"Pain Is Permanent."
- 𝓡𝓾𝓮 𝓒 -'ღ'-
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{RILEY'S POV}
I may be a delinquent and may not know things the regular human body knows but one thing I don't get is love, I don't understand it. It's evidently the most inconceivable thing there is, there's no way around it and yet I have the unwanted balls to found myself unto it.
It's fucking torture, I have too many sleepless nights thinking about him and our useless future together. What if we don't see each other the way we used to? What if he moves on without thinking twice about how he's going to hurt me? My feelings would crush into a million bits and die sliding into the pits of hell.
I will wish for you to burn in your own acid as you sleep. I'd be torn.
I would cry the last of my tears away. Maybe I think way too much and maybe you won't break the rest of my heart.
But guess what? You hurt me well, it's going to be a bitch to try and get me back. I'm not going to try and scrape up the rest of what's left of us, not that there was an us.
You can kiss my ass on the trip down to hell. I hope you bump the shit out of your head when you land.
I know I rant too much but I seem at peace when I do it, I think that going on a date with Jacob will help me to forget my loss for hope. Or I could be fucked up in the head and will retort to a coma after finding out that this date was a final remembrance of how shitty life is.
Humanity as we see it: Poof.
I'm lying on my bed as I scammer through my phone, looking at old photos that don't mean squat to me. I don't have a certain clue as to why I'm keeping these meaningless photographs, I just sometimes feel that things shouldn't be wasted and should be kept in a confined tight space.
Now I'm thinking like an astronaut.
As I flip through a photo of Nat my phone gets a buzz, I stare at the message for a good minute before opening it, now that I actually know who it is I click it without a second guess.
Skool Skipper: Hey Riles, I just wanted to text u the details about our date tonight. I'm taking u to this restaurant called Old Man's Cave, it's quiet and really casual. I know how u can get about weird places. I'll pick u at 7:30 pm, C u soon ;)?
A cave? Yeah sure buddy that's not weird at all...
Me: Oh, that's great Jacob. Thanks for uhm taking me out.
Skool Skipper: Anything 4 U.
I'm mentally beating my head across my headboard when he texts me back, I'm so quick to judge. I understand that he wants to start something with me but do I really want this as much as I think I do? I quickly arise from my weird sitting stance and travel around my room in brittle smooth walks, I circle around to my closet and stare at it for ten minutes before figuring that I need a new outfit.
I know I shouldn't do this but there's always a once in a lifetime thing.
"Dammit." I grab my phone from the floor and shuffle to Dina's number, I whisper curse words under my breath as I wait for her to answer.
"Hello?" She answers with a low rasp.
"Uhhh, hiii Dina you aren't awake yet?" I stammer for words as I dig in my closet, I feel really guilty for leaving without a goodbye.
"Well by the sound of my vocal swords I am not awake yet, what's th- did you leave?"
Shit, she knows! My unsteady brain says.
"I didn't want to wake you, I swear! I need your help with something. It's important like boy important."
"Go on, I'm listening..." She sighs with a thump, I can tell she's getting out of her bed.
I think of the worst ways to put the situation but in my head, it sounds like a crazy person trying to escape the loony bin. So I come up with anything that'll help me, or at least it'll help me get a free ride to a clothing store.
"Well, Jacob wants to go on a date in a cave, and I have nothing to wear to this opposing ass date. I need you to drive me to a clothing shop, really bad."
"Shit yes! I'll be right there."
"Nothing pink, or black..."
"Shut the hell up, I got this."
"Okay, calm your tits."
I hang the phone up and visibly stand near my body mirror, I want my shadow in the mirror to disappear as all my worries can, but no, it doesn't.
"RILEY!" My Dad yells while walking up the house steps, my heart literally jumps out of its lung pocket as he comes banging on the door.
"What the hell?"
"Don't think for a second that you get off the hook, come downstairs for a family movie." Dad smiles with a bowl of popcorn in his hands, he stands clear of my free vision and waits for my tantrum.
"Nothing has changed in this sad little house has it?" Rolling my eyes I steal some of the popcorn out of the bowl, it feels kind of nice to get along with my parents.
I can't believe I even quoted that.
Smite me.
"If you recall this family actually watching a movie together then, yes." Dad frowns.
"And whose lousy idea was this?"
"Your mother's, now get downstairs before I knock you in the head."
"Keep your dentures on Baldy."
"I don't wear those."
We walk down the stairs and chat quietly, I snicker a little at my Dad's disordered behavior.
"What took you little rats so long?" Mom rolls her eyes with her legs crisscrossed on the floor, all the furniture is moved around so we can sit on the floor, I understand what they're trying to do but isn't that what couches are for? I can't afford to get butt rash before my date.
"You guys are weird..."
"No, we're being supportive parents, isn't that what you wanted?"
"Maybe, I don't know!"
"Riley. It's okay, we understand now."
"No, you don't! This is too much, I'm leaving."
"What? Where are you going?" Mom gets up from the floor and catches my hand as I try and walk away.
"My friend Dina is picking me up to go shopping."
"For?" Dad implies.
"A date..."
"A date? You mean a girl and guy date, with drinking and a two-person table with a confined sitting space?" Dad throats.
"Well, yeah, isn't that what a stupid date is?"
"And who is it? Have I met him?"
"Oh Honey, stop! Let Riley go on her date, we can't stop her." Mom interrupts, thankfully.
I freeze though, my parents have become these idiot townsfolk, I don't even know who they are at this moment. I kind of wish my old parents were back, even though that means they're hurting me.
"I think Dina is outside..." Is all I can say before running outdoors, just after my panic, Dina shows up with her music blasting.
"Hey, Brown-head!"
"Hi."
I sloppily slide into the passenger seat and slam the door beside me, Dina notices my anger and frowns. "Everything okay? You look blue." She asks while turning her music down.
"My parents, they're acting weird now. They actually care about me now and wanted to know everything about my date tonight."
"That's a bad thing because?"
"They used to hate my guts Gothy! Every day when I came home from school they would accuse me of bullshit I had hardly done, then I would get bitch slapped for it!"
"What the fuck."
"I know, it's madness. I wish things could be different, but enough about the sad stuff. What store are you willing to shop at?" I clear my head of worrying thoughts and turn Dina's music back up, she stares at me like I'm not human and drives away from my house.
I get the vibe of something bad happening but I ignore it.
"Anywhere is fine with me," She drives onto the highway with a goofy smirk, "say, do you think this date will be the breakthrough for you and Ryan? Seeing as though you guys are quitting one another."
"I'm not answering that..."
"Oh please do, I need detail!" She swerves the car, to make matters worse she shrieks to make my ears bleed.
"Dammit, Dina!"
"Tell meeee!"
"Okayy, fine. I like Jacob but I also like Ryan, I don't know if that makes me the shit show or not. I just want Ryan to myself all the time, and then I want Jacob to cuddle with. I hate choosing."
"Bitch, you do realize that this isn't The Bachelor. You better choose and hurry, there's not much time before we all graduate high school then you'll have no one left to choose."
"Yeah, that's because Journey the rival skank will have sucked up the entire school county..."
"I don't want to seem like the jealous police but, don't you think you take things way too far with that girl? She's new and only went to at least four parties. What holds the aggression of you snipping at her throat already?"
I hadn't realized my neutral hate to be a jealous threat to some people but excuse me, that Journey bitch had it coming. She made fun of the food at the cafe and then came to a party I didn't invite her to, seeing as though it was my party.
I wanted a new start with things and it led to me a dead-ended road, not only did I catch myself in an awful daze but I became this bitch I never wanted to be.
It'd be petty to tell Dina my terrible ideas of hurting Journey, then she'd really pin my jealousy on things, so I made up a lie.
"She apparently has a thing for Ryan? I hate sharing."
"But, he's not yours technically Brown-head."
"Well, yes, I know that! I just hate her okay?"
"Okay chick, don't get your brainz all over my car."
After our moment of silence we ended up parking at the mall, there were cars everywhere so there was barely enough space. I danced out of my seatbelt and tiptoed over to Dina, who was texting someone.
"You're smiling," I sneak a peek at her phone and wiggle my eyebrows unsuccessfully.
"I got the courage to finally text him."
"You mean?"
"YES!" We both shriek in utter quietness as I flee toward the mall doors.
Our gratitude meant that Dina finally mustered a pair of balls and texted Blake, might I just say she's very good at flirting.
After two hours of chatting, one more hour of shopping, add an extra forty minutes to eat, we gradually bought a special outfit for my special night. I wanted to kill Dina for picking it out but then nothing is sexier than black, I mean the seam of the dress is aligned perfectly, the darkness of the black matches the paleness of my skin.
The shoes we bought, oh mama, so dainty.
Things couldn't have been more amazing today, we finally ended up at my house and Dina was stoked to go inside. A word she once used for her gratitude. I snuck a small hi and bye past my parents who were lying on the floor watching Wall-e, one of my favorite movies.
They barely considered that a purple haired freak was rattling inside with me.
"Have fun on the date." My Dad said as I ran up the stairs, I quietly spoke an okay and smirked while Dina ran with me.
Sneaking past your parents in a moment of desperation for no questions is fun.
"So, go get dressed!" Dina ordered for me to go shower and dance in my new clothes, I nodded my head and ran into the bathroom with my bags.
"I think we're too excited about this!" I shouted over the running shower water.
"Yeah, so, this is going to be awesome! You have to tell me everything!" She quietly shouts back.
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Hours later and I'm dressed, the clock ticks to six o'clock and I sit, waiting, for him to text me. I rushed into the bathroom to check my demeanor, just in case something scraped up or didn't sit right.
Not everything was messed up, usually, I would put things into assorted blames. First I'd blame my parents for their chaotic bullshit, then regret my choices of being the only child, but then figuring that I wasn't the only child and shouldn't blame my parents because they couldn't fight what happened that day.
I look in the mirror some days, thinking about my brother. Wondering what it would have been like to be a misinterpreted little sister with a crush on one of my older brother's friends.
I feel like crying, like stabbing away my giddiness. I want to feel like me again. Without having to take meds for my blood broken mind, this is my head's fault.
I dig too deep into things and take shit too far, I've been a menace for so long I forgot what it was like to live. To Breathe. To be me.
To stare death in the eyes and think, what the fuck is death's problem? I wanted answers from myself.
I blink in the mirror and stand there for another couple minutes, Dina comes knocking on the door with a sympathetic smile.
"Everything okay?"
"Yup."
"You aren't rethinking this, are you? There were final sales on that dress."
"Nope."
"It'll be alright."
"Hmhmm."
"Riley, what's wrong?" She walks in and stares me dead in the eyes, my breathing slows down once I know she's next to me.
"I suffer from anxiety and OCD, there's no cure but I take meds for it."
"Is this what you're worried about?"
"Yes."
"Don't be, Jacob is sweet and he'll understand what you're going through."
"And if he doesn't?"
"Simple, You can't keep him." She chuckles while looking in the mirror beside me, her pale toned skin glistening with the light.
"You look great." She adds a small smile and another chuckle, soon I get a text from Jacob and he's almost ready, my heart starts to beat faster with every second of me thinking.
Stop thinking. I try and tell myself.
I blink my eyes harder than before and go to sit on my bed, I hope this isn't a night I'll regret.
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Author's Note:
Hola amigos! This has been fun. My arms and fingers are aching from the pain I have typed into this chapter, as you can see this date isn't something Riley expected. But that's for me to know, and you guys to find out ;)
This chapter is hella long and I'll have to type the date and shit, I didn't even expect this tbh. Oops me. Isn't Riley's dress so good? They had ugly ass dresses so I had to pick a black one, oops me again. I hope you enjoyed this chapter and will enjoy the next one because there's more craziness yet to come.
AND I MEAN REAL CRAZINESS ;) C U SOON <33
Don't forget to comment and vote! Thanks for everything, God Bless.
❤️LOVE YOU ALL😍.
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- ☔Love, Rue☔
"I have anger issues, so what?"
- Riley Lee Walker.
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