Inspired by the song of Alec Benjamin
This night is cold in the kingdom
I can feel you fade away
From the kitchen to the bathroom sink
and
Your steps keep me awake
Don't cut me down, throw me out,
leave me here to waste
I once was a man with dignity and grace
Now I'm slipping through the cracks of your cold embrace
So please, please
Could you find a way to let me down slowly?
A little sympathy, I hope you can show
me
If you wanna go then I'll be so lonely
If you're leaving baby let me down slowly
Hakyeon started feeling it a long time ago. The way Taekwoon was falling out for him. For them.
They were both so busy, their schedules so thigh, but there was no way for one of them to slow down. They needed money. They weren't exactly living confortably. But it was draining them so much. Especially Taekwoon. Hakyeon noticed how unfocused he was when they were making love. He noticed the way he would look at other men in the street. He noticed how he would fall asleep without saying good night and waking up without their usual morning kiss.
It was small things. But for Hakyeon it was burning like a cursed fire.
They weren't even married. Yet. It was something both of them promised, when they would have enough money. They didn't want something big, but wanted it to be still memorable.
Hakyeon remembered how they used to be in love. How they used to understand each other with a single glance. But now, Taekwoon's eyes were cripted. He closed himself to Hakyeon, and he probably didn't realized it himself.
Hakyeon spent hours, days, nights, trying to find a solution. Maybe they could fix it. Maybe they weren't broken, just bent. Maybe it was going to be solved. But deep inside of him, he knew it was wrong. He knew he was lying to himself, just buying more time.
Hakyeon loved him so, so much. He cound't imagine a life without him. But because of that, because he loved him, he needed to free him. He cound't be selfish and keep him for him when he could he happier with someone else. With someone that won't be him. Hakyeon wasn't mad at him. It wasn't his fault. Hakyeon just weren't enough for him.
It wasn't something easy he could talk about. He cound't just leave like that. Taekwoon would think it's his fault and would feel guilty. So he waited, hoping Taekwoon would realize that by himself and eventually leave first. But it didn't happen. And Hakyeon could see him growing more and more distant, tired, exhausted. So, during one of their rare moments alone, he finally gathered his strength.
-Taekwoon. Wee need to talk.
He was reading a book in the living room, but Hakyeon was silently watching him, and he wasn't even focusing, reading the same page again and again.
Taekwoon tilted his head. He knew something was wrong. He always knew when Hakyeon had a bad news. It's something he always understood, despite their growing distance. He didn't say anything, just closed his book, slowly, before putting it on the table.
-Look at me, Taekwoon.
Hakyeon was standing in front of him, on the other side of the table. Taekwoon raised his head a little, but was still not meeting Hakyeon's eyes. Hakyeon's heart ached. He knew what was this talk about.
He gave up wanting him too look into his eyes. Himself wasn't sure if he wound't broke down if he was reading his eyes. In his head, he was silently imploring him to let him down gently, slowly.
-You know... You know what it's about, right?
Taekwoon still wasn't answering and he could see him fidgeting with his hands. He could feel his anxiety. Taekwoon always had troubles facing problems. He went next to him, sat on the couch and hold his hand.
-It's okay, Taekwoon. I'm not going to break down. I'm going to be alright. Say it, please. I need you to say it. We both need it.
Taekwoon finally met his eyes, and Hakyeon could see the tears glassening his eyes. He struggled to hold back his own sob.
-I'm...I'm so sorry , Hakyeon...
Hakyeon smiled weakly and strocked the back of his hand with his thumb.
-It's okay. It's going to be okay.
He was saying these words, again and again,like a mantra, probably more for himself.
-I'm... I'm not able to love you anymore...
Hakyeon leaned to kiss his cheek. The kiss tasted salty.
-I'm not mad at you. It's okay. I understand. It's not your fault, not mine either. We both weren't enough for each other after all.
-I'm so sorry, Hakyeon... You deserve better... You deserve someone who will love you and take care of you...
Hakyeon shaked his head, saying the same words in repeat, as a broken disc. They spent hours like this, crying quietly in each other embrace. Hakyeon wanted this moment to last forever. It was their last hug. The last time both of them would be this close.
~
Hakyeon moved the next day. He spent the night packing his stuff quietly, under the empty gaze of his now ex boyfriend. He went back to his parent's house, on the other side of the town. He spent days crying in his mother's arms. She told him the pain wound't last forever. She told him it would eventually fade away, and that he would learn to love again. He wanted so badly to trust her, but his heart was an open wound who cound't stop bleeding. However , one day, he woke up,his eyes dry for the first time. He wouldn't say he was feeling better. To be honest, he wasn't feeling anything. He was an empty shell.
He decided to move in another town, far away from his scars, hoping he could forget and start again. He found a great job that was paying him well. He started drowning himself into this work. He didn't want to come back in his empty and sad flat. He didn't want to let him time to think. He kept himself busy, either with his work or with his new friends. He even tried to find love somewhere else. But no matter how hard he tried, he just couldn't forget him. He was always wondering what he was doing, of he was eating well, if he hadn't trouble sleeping, if he found a new boyfriend. One night, during a party with his friends, he found himself taking with Wonshik, a man who was working with him. They were both smoking on the balkony, in the cold winter air. Maybe the alcohol helped, maybe because he just neeeded to open his heart to someone, Hakyeon told him about Taekwoon, about his broken heart. Wonshik listened to him, with patience, even gave him a tissue when he started crying, but never interrupting him nor judging him. Hakyeon, at this time, dispite his mind being foggy, understood why his lover, Jaehwan, loved him so much. Wonshik was one of these person who were like rocks, these person you know you can lean on, they would catch you. Once Hakyeon stopped talking, he waited a minute, as for organizing his thoughts.
-You know... I do believe in soulmates. But I think not everyone can find them. Or maybe, not in every life. But when they find each other... Nothing can separate them. They would continue to feel this bond, and no one would ever be able to cut that string.
Hakyeon didn't believe him. Because if that was true, then Taekwoon would feel the same, and Taekwoon wasn't loving him anymore. He still thanked Wonshik for the advices and for his kindness. And he tried to bury this moment with the rest of Taekwoon's memories. He cound't allowed himself to be selfish.
He lived like this for five years. Trying to run away from his feelings, trying to go forward. But one day, his phone ringed. He had to get back to his hometown. His mother died. He stayed in his flat during hours, the lights off, not able to realize what happened. Then the anger started possessing him. He started throwing every brokable item he could find, screaming and crying. Why was the life so bad to him? Why was they taking him every single thing he loved? He lied down, in the middle of the broken pieces of glasses, for the whole night, crying. When the sun rised again, he decided to continue to live.
He came back to his home town. He buried his own mother. He hugged tightly his father and his family. They cried together.
Once everything was over, Hakyeon felt it. He felt everything he was trying to run away from. He felt the need of seeing him. He cound't handle the pain alone. He needed him.
He hoped he was still working at the same company. He didn't want to talk to him. Just seeing him would be enough. So he waited, all the evening, freezing in his thin jacket. He was scared. What if he moved. What if he wound't be able to see him ever. What if there was another guy with him. Suddenly, he noticed a guy, who was staring at him with wide eyes, since few minutes. Hakyeon raised an eyebrow, absolutely sure he never saw him before. The guy finally came closer, and gave him a shy smile, showing a cute dimple.
-Excuse me... Are you Cha Hakyeon?.
Hakyeon nodded, his heart pumping. What was happening. Did something happened to Taekwoon? Was he his new boyfriend? He was beautiful, he wound't be surprised. Was he about to tell him to go away?
-So you're really him...and you're not dead. Wow. I guess we were wrong...
Hakyeon gave him a questioning look.
-Ah, I'm sorry, this isn't making sense... I'm Lee Hongbin, Taekwoon's assistant since these last three years. Would you like to come with me to grab a drink? It's cold, and Taekwoon hyung won't leave work until at least one hour.
Hakyeon, curious, agreed. He felt like there was something he had to know.
He ordered a chocolate, like when he met Taekwoon for the first time. He never really liked the taste of coffee, but living with a coffee addict somehow changed his taste.
Then Hongbin sat with him, a hot tea in his small hands, and started talking.
The reason why Hongbin thought Hakyeon was dead, was because Taekwoon always kept a picture of him in a frame on his desk. He never talked about this with anyone. All he would answer when someone asked questions, was his name, and the ghost of a smile. Since Hakyeon left, Taekwoon closed himself. He stopped hanging out with his colleagues. He refused meeting new people. So, they all assumed he was mourning someone.
Hakyeon was left dumbfounded. He didn't know what to think. Hongbin seemed to understand what was happening, and finished his cup before leaving with a quick smile.
-Just... A last thing, hyung... Please, talk to him. He need it. Let him live again.
And Hakyeon was left alone. He felt suddenly so sick. He wanted to throw up.
He did let him live. He did the right thing. Taekwoon didn't love him anymore. That wasn't supposed to be like this. He stood up so quickly his chair almost fell, earning few glances from the people in the Caffè, but he didn't pay attention at all. He ran outside, bumping into people, throwing some 'sorry'. He needed to see him. He cound't wait. He entered in the company, not minding the security guy who screamed after him,nor the girl at the desk calling him. He didn't have time to wait for the lift,he ran to the stairs, until the last floor. The adrenaline seemed to give him wings. He was out of breath, his heart ready to explode. He saw the name on the door, he already knew where it was, he didn't move since these 5 years. He didn't even think before opening the door. He didn't even knocked.
He was there, his coat on his hand, ready to live. His hair were longer, his eyes darker, his skin more pale and he seemed to have loose weight. He looked at him with wide eyes, mouth opened. His coat fell on the ground. Hakyeon was trying to catch his breath, his legs shaking, almost collapsing under him, when Taekwoon held him before he fell. They looked at each other in silence, as if they cound't believe what was happening. Hakyeon cound't believe. He must be dreaming. But these lips on his felt so real. This hand on the small of his back felt even more real. His hand on his seemed to burn his skin. There was desperation in this kiss. Five years of pain, five them for both of them to hold back their feelings. They finally run out air, and pulled away. Hakyeon finally found the words.
-Taekwoon.. I thought... How... Why...
Taekwoon was sobbing, his nose on Hakyeon's neck. He was holding him so close, as if he was afraid that he would disappear.
-I didn't realized... I didn't realized how important you were for me... Until you left. My soul mate was just in front of me, and I was looking for it. I'm so sorry that I doubted... If you don't want to trust me again that's okay...
-No. I want to stay. I want us to have another chance. I need you Taekwoon, I need you so much...
Taekwoon brought him in his new flat. He told him, after they broke up, he cound't live in these memories. He wanted to move out. But just as Hakyeon, he cound't. They lied down in his bed, stroking each other hairs, Hakyeon told him about his mother, and they cried together. They talked about their life, what they did during this time. But for Hakyeon, it was hard to recall what happened. It was like it never happened.
In a small part of his mind, he told himself to thanks Wonshik. He was right. Wonshik was always right.
Taekwoon was his soulmate. He could never let him down. Even if he wanted to.
If you wanna go then I'll be so lonely
If you're leaving baby let me down slowly