After a late shift at the Doublemeat Palace, Buffy and I were dragging our feet home. We weren't really in the mood for anything, especially Buffy since she had to scrape the grease off of the grills. Hell, one vampire even refused to fight Buffy once he caught a whiff of her after work.
Going up the steps to the house, I paused and told Buffy to go on ahead. She glanced over her shoulder at me but didn't question it. After the incident when we were all trapped in the house, she figured I just needed fresh air and open space from time to time. She had yet to even ask about it, but I had a feeling she didn't really want to know what could make me act that way.
"For Pete's sake, Spike." I turned on my heel while looking at the large tree in front of the house.
"Ah, it's a fair caught. You caught me, Aud." The blond vampire came around the side of the tree with a smirk on his face. "However, in all honesty, I think I have to say this one doesn't count." He dropped his hand to his side and looked at me. "After all, I wasn't exactly hiding."
"No, Spike." I immediately said, seeing the look on his face, seeming as if he was going to ask something.
"No? What kind of answer is that? You haven't even heard the question yet." Spike replied while walking up to me. He was slow and deliberate in the way he moved.
"I don't have to. We both know what you're thinking." I told him, and he got this smile on his face as he looked down at me.
"We both know?" He stepped closer while playing with the chain of my necklace. "Then I'm not the only one thinking it." Spike said and bit his lower lip.
"No. Not here." I grabbed his hand to make him let go of my necklace while taking a step back.
"Why not?" He sort of pouted, and I mentally rolled my eyes at his expression.
"Dawn and Buffy." Glancing toward the house, I waved a hand. "They are waiting on me inside, and I'm not going to let them down by letting you in."
"So it's the fear of getting caught then, is it?"
"Reason number one on a very long list." I replied while slipping my hands into my back pockets.
"Then it can be an obstacle." Spike grabbed my wrist and started to lead me away from the front porch steps.
"Spike, I mean it, come on." Sighing, I glanced back at the front door.
"I hear you're serious, but so am I." He didn't stop walking until we were out of view from the front door. "I want you, you want me." My back leaned against the large tree. "I can't go inside, so...." The vampire glanced over his shoulder at the house. "maybe the time is right for you to come outside." Spike looked down at me with a slight smile as I sighed. Giving one more look at the house, I caved, and Spike leaned down to kiss me.
~
Quietly sneaking into the house, I was biting my lower lip while trying to silently shut the front door. Walking to the kitchen for a quick bite, I froze in the doorway when I saw Willow, Buffy, and Dawn standing around the island.
"About time you came in." Buffy looked over at me. "You okay?"
"Uh, yeah, why?" I crossed my arms while shifting my weight on my feet.
"You were out there a while, plus you have leaves in your hair." The Slayer pointed at my head. Clearing my throat, I reached up and brushed the leaves away.
"Thought I'd just take a bit of a breather and plopped down in the grass for a bit." It felt horrible to lie to them but there was no way I could tell them what I had actually just done.
"Well, you came in at the perfect time. Ready for a bold suggestion?" Willow smiled. "Blow it off." She glanced at Buffy, so I assumed she was saying that to whatever had been said before I walked in. "Dawnie and I are headed out to The Bronze."
"Do I have your permission and wanna come along?" Dawn gave the Slayer a huge grin while nervously fiddling with her hands. "Heh, you like how I slipped in that permission request like that?"
"Very smooth." Willow nodded.
"You guys go." Buffy softly smiled at Dawn.
"Really?"
"Buffy, are you sure? I-It might do you good to get away from the Doublemeat lifestyle for a night. See friends." Willow slightly tilted her head while smiling.
"Who'd love to see you." Dawn added.
"I've seen enough action for one day. Home by 11." Buffy stated while looking at her little sister.
"On the dot."
"What about you, Aud?" Willow turned to me.
"That place is driving me bonkers, please take me with you." I replied, but they didn't quite get how much truth to that sentence there was. I didn't have much of a choice but to work there, but after being there for so long, I was finally understanding what Spike had told me about that place. I really didn't belong there- it made me feel cramped and as if I had no room to stretch out. Honestly, I wanted to blame my demon half for this because with the hours upon hours spent in that rancid kitchen, none of the vast energy I had was being spent.
Except for the seldom breaks I spent fucking Spike, and I hated to admit that.
"All right, let's go!"
~
At The Bronze, we ended up seeing Anya and Xander, but they were busy stressing over the seating arrangements for the wedding. The human male was downing a large bag of chips, no doubt from the nerves, and the ex-demon seemed about just as fidgety.
Unlike those two, I hit the dance floor. I didn't care what music was playing, I just needed to let loose and forget about everything for the night. Forget about work, forget about Tara being gone, forget about demons, and most importantly, forget about everything with Spike.
Day after day as our....what would one even call this? We weren't a couple, nor were we secret 'lovers' of any sort. It was confusing. It was complex. Either way, as our 'intimate' encounters continued, I was finding myself more and more perplexed by not only myself but Spike as well.
I still didn't know whether to believe if vampires could honestly love or not, whether it was the genuine kind or the dark and twisted kind or even at all, but Tara had said that Spike did love me. However, I didn't know how I really felt toward that man in return.
The things I did know were my feelings of disgust at the evil he had done, but he didn't do much of that anymore because of the chip. I also knew that both my friends and family hated him to varying degrees with the exception of Dawn, who seemed to view the blond as a sort of friend. I didn't know how I should feel about that either....
Point was....I didn't want to be using him. I didn't want to be taking advantage of him, only being that close to him simply because of the way he could make me feel.
Dancing. I should be dancing. 'Stop thinking, stop remembering, just....dance.' I thought and let the rhythm lead me as the loud bass reverberated deep in my bones.
Thump, thump. Thump. Thump.
The music was like a living, breathing thing with the drums as the beat of its heart. I was surrounded by the swaying and pulsing bodies of all the humans also on the dance floor, and the scents and sounds were enough to distract me. I was vaguely aware of Dawn and Willow also nearby for a while before they left to take a break and grab a drink, but I stayed on the dance floor instead of following them.
Thump, thump. Thump. Thump.
This was good. I needed this. I needed this sense of freedom after weeks upon weeks of being stuck behind that counter. However....as things seemed to be, it was ruined when I felt hands sliding onto my hips and a body close behind me. Hot breath hit my ear and spoke to where I could hear over the music.
"Lookin' good, shortie." He said, and I felt revolted by this stranger touching me. "Wanna show me what other moves you got?" Without saying a word, I grabbed one of his hands and twisted. He yelped as he went to his knees, and I twisted his hand behind his back, yet again confusing myself by this rather....extreme reaction.
I usually would've just told him to leave me be, but I had actually gotten physical with the frail human. Not only that, it felt so ugly and wrong with his body pressed to my back with his hands on me.
So why was I okay when Spike did the same damn thing?
~
Walking to the living room while digging in a bag of chips, my tail lazily swayed as I caught two strange scents in the house.
"I don't want to raise any alarm, but I'm certain I smell- Holy shit!" I ducked to avoid the bullet that was shot in the direction of my chest.
"I thought this place was safe! How'd a hostile get in?" I heard a woman shout.
"Woah, woah, woah! Hold it!" Buffy shouted, letting me know she, too, was in the living room.
"Holster your weapon, soldier, that's Aud." ....Riley? So my nose was right.
"Odd?" The unknown woman questioned, and I felt some relief at seeing that the bullet stuck in the wall was just a tranquilizer. "Oh, Aud! Oh, my God, I am so sorry!"
"So....safe to come out now?" I questioned from where I was crouched with my back pressed against the wall.
"Completely. I apologize, Aud, I may have....forgotten to tell her what you looked like."
"You said she looked like a giant lemur, not a woman with a lemur tail." There was a bite in the woman's voice as I hauled myself up and grabbed my bag of chips from the floor.
"I did?" Riley had this look on his face, making me sigh out of my nose and stuff my mouth with chips.
"Anyways, back to the matter at hand." The woman gave a lingering look to Riley before glancing at me and the rest of the guys in the room.
"Okay, so we track down the demon," Xander waved his hand. "find the nest, Mr. and Mrs. Finn here make with the killing, and voila, everyone goes home happy." He took a seat next to the woman, and it only took me a few seconds to process the Mr. and Mrs. Finn part. "But seriously, married man, if forced to choose between photographer and place settings-"
"We can't track the demon." Buffy spoke up. "I killed it. So, who's hungry? We got, uh-"
"Ice cubes."
"All-you-can-eat." The Slayer nodded with a tense smile.
"Buffy, it's good that you killed the Suvolte before it killed us." The brunette woman said. "Disposable cameras."
"What?"
"Yeah, you know, little plastic ones that are 10 bucks a pop. Arrange 'em like table settings, guests snap photos, breaks the ice. When the wedding's over, you take home all the pictures."
"I like it." Xander pointed.
"So, demon hunting. Any timetable on when we think they're gonna hatch?" Buffy asked.
"Hatching's not the problem." Riley answered.
"We think they're going to be sold on the black market. There's foreign military powers that would love to have their own Suvolte. Could never train it, but you drop it on a population and...." The woman trailed off.
"And it cleanses the area." Riley finished.
"Is that a nice way of saying it kills people?" Dawn questioned.
"Lots of them. Money's been exchanged. There's a dealer in town who calls himself The-The Doctor." The brunette then turned to the redhead. "Willow, you think you could help out with a little locating spell?"
"I can't....do magic."
"Oh, well, Riley says you're coming on as one majorly Wicca."
"I got addicted the way addicts do." Willow said lowly before quickly leaving the room.
"....Two teams. No civilians." Riley went on. "I'll, uh, I'll go looking for our Doctor. You two find that nest."
"Me and Sam together?" Buffy looked a bit shocked. "You know, i-if you have the demon's scent or something, Aud can track it."
"Well, we don't, so I don't know how much Aud will be helpful in this situation."
"I'm a half-demon that can breathe fire, and you don't know how helpful I can be?" I popped off while my brows knit together.
"You can breathe fire?" Riley gave me a look.
"You're a half-demon?" The brunette- Sam, as Buffy had called her- raised her brows at me. "What's the other half?"
"Human. And yes, I can breathe fire. Forget about the beach incident?"
"....I did, yes." Riley cleared his throat.
"Riley, you never said she was half human." Sam glanced back at the man holding her hand before looking at me. "So, is it common for demons to breed with humans? Or are you like a once-in-a-blue-moon thing?"
"There's whole races of half-breeds. Vampires are technically mixed-bloods, too, but a majority of the demon community look down upon and even disgrace hybrids between demons and humans."
"Incredible. Uh, not the disgracing part, but the whole races part. I mean, we don't have any kind of information like that." Sam chuckled.
"Then I guess we do three teams. Buffy and Sam look for the nest, I'll look for The Doctor, and Aud can just look around and see which one she comes across first." Riley got to his feet, and from his tone, I knew he was still not sure how to treat me knowing what I was.
"Why don't you just keep the two teams? Why split again?" Xander looked confused.
"Because I've seen Aud in action during patrols, and I know what she's capable of. She'll be more effective on her own." Riley nodded to me as I set my chips down on the coffee table. I knew what he meant- I couldn't do much in populated areas where he would be passing through, and he didn't want me near his wife because he still had mixed feelings about me being part demon. It was understandable. I mean, we got along before fine because he knew that if anything happened, there were people to handle me, but if I went raving mad, he didn't want to risk Sam if Buffy couldn't take me down.
He was just worried, and I was completely fine with that. I knew my nature and I knew his, even if I was working with the Slayer, his every instinct and all that he'd been trained to do was for hunting demons.
"I'll grab my shoes and head out, then. I know a few places that might have some clues." I stated.
~
Walking through the woods with my hands shoved into my jacket pockets, I kept my nose in the air to catch anything demonic in nature. I wasn't even fully certain what I was looking for, but Sam and Riley had described the demon and the eggs to me, so I hoped I'd know it when I saw it.
"....Who do I know that knows the black market?" I mumbled while pausing in a clearing. "Pops isn't here, so...." Sighing, my shoulders dropped. "Spike." Continuing on, I turned toward the cemetery and went straight there.
"Aud?" The vampire set down the book in his hands as I closed the crypt door behind me. "Hey, now, if I'd have known you were coming, I'd have baked a cake." Spike looked at me as he stood.
"I need information."
"I suppose I could be helpful." He shrugged. "If the price is right. I don't think I'm selling out of Doublemeat Palace wages, though." Rolling my eyes at him, I shifted my weight on my feet.
"I need to find a guy- dealer. Calls himself The Doctor."
"Human?" Spike questioned.
"He's trafficking."
"Clock ticking?"
"Whatever he's doing, he's going to do it soon, so spill what you know." I looked him in the eye, but he seemed preoccupied with looking me up and down with that glint in his gaze.
"Soon, but not now."
"Why are you looking at me like that? I'm here for business, not pleasure." I threw my gaze around the crypt briefly before looking back at him.
"I love you, you know I do." Spike stepped closer to me, grabbing my wrists to pull my hands from my pockets before gently intertwining our fingers. "And I want you." The blond smirked. "I always do." There was a strange flutter in my chest as I comprehended the sincerity in his voice. "Why not have a bit of pleasure real quick before we get to business? What do you say, love?"
I felt every wall I had built before stepping into this crypt to avoid this very situation crumbling as he leaned down to kiss me. His cold lips ignited a fire, and I was like an addict needing a fix.
"Spike, I don't have much time for this." I tried to stand my ground, but I was quickly melting under his gaze.
"Don't worry, I'll have you purring real soon and then send you on your merry little way to get back to work." The vampire chuckled, picking me up by my hips before setting me down on the tomb he had been sitting on that was covered with a soft blanket.
....How could he make me feel this way? I couldn't even understand what this feeling was, and it confused me, but I couldn't deny that I liked the sex that followed.
~
"You willing to talk now?" I asked lowly while laying on my side and facing the vampire. He had one arm under his head like a pillow while looking at me.
"I can't even take a minute to enjoy this? Already wanting to get back to the hunt?"
"I already told you I didn't have much time-" My tail twitched when I heard the crypt door open. I quickly sat up, my heart beating faster in my chest while Spike nonchalantly rolled over and chuckled.
"Well, lookie here. Boy Scout is back. Are you the one that's got Aud's tail all in a fluff?" I felt Spike briefly touch my tail before it twitched away from his hand.
"....I'm rather disappointed, Aud." Riley had one hand at his side while the other was holding a rather large gun. My ears drooped from the look on the human's face, and I had to avert my gaze as I was filled with shame. "You did your job, but not in the way I had expected. Isn't that right, Doctor?"
"....What?" I let the confusion show plainly on my face as I glanced at Spike, but he was too busy looking at my ass. "Oh, my-" I was again at a loss with the conflicting emotions plaguing me and quickly got to my feet to get dressed.
I wasn't really in the mood to be concerned with modesty as I found my clothes on the floor.
"Here I thought we'd run you out of town, ey?" Spike sighed. "Last time I saw you, if memory serves, you were gettin' the juice sucked out of you by some undead ladies. Very questionable reputation. Now, be a good tin soldier and, uh...." The vampire trailed off.
"Where are they, Doctor?" Riley asked while I was zipping up my pants.
"Where are what, and why do you keep calling me that?" The blond vampire stood and pulled on his pants.
"Had to be back in Sunnydale. The locals all speak English, and I know who to beat for information. It's all brought me here."
"Look, crew-cut, Aud's not your dog, so don't be treatin' her as such."
"Tell me before I get unprofessional." The two males were now standing in front of each other with tense postures. "Where are the eggs, Spike?"
"Eggs?" He scoffed. "You're off your nut. It must be those drugs they were keepin' you on, I did warn you."
"Okay. We can do this the hard way, or we can do this the fatal way." Riley socked Spike in the nose, but the vampire didn't even bleed. "Where are the eggs?"
"Look, The Doctor, i-it can't be Spike." I walked over now that I was fully dressed.
"I don't need you to defend me, love." On an impulse, I knocked the vampire onto his back and held him down with my foot on his chest while looking at Riley.
"Shut up. Okay, i-i-it can't be, he's too i-incompetent!" I waved my hands. "It's just Spike, Riley."
"Right. Deadly, immoral, opportunistic.... Or have you forgotten?" Riley gave me that look again that made my ears droop. "I'm taking this place apart until I find that nest."
"Over my dead body."
"I've seen enough of your body for one night, thank you." Riley popped off while looking at the vampire on the floor. "You coming?" He asked while walking past. I didn't want to give him any reason to doubt my loyalties now, so I followed the human as he went down the ladder. I didn't say anything- I didn't think I could with the lump in my throat.
I was hardly friends with Riley, and it was already so hard knowing that he knew about Spike and I. I didn't think I could ever handle Buffy and the guys knowing. Especially not Pops.
"Oh, this is-this is unconstitutional is what this is!" Spike shouted. "Yeah, there's nothing to see down there!" My tail was low as I walked behind Riley, but the man wasn't even walking long before he stopped. My heart and gut felt heavy at what I saw in the corner. "I can explain." Spike was right next to me now, but I wasn't even looking at him. I was looking at the clutch of Suvolte eggs on his carpet.
"We're going to need more weapons. Spike screwed up- You didn't keep them frozen, did you, Doctor?"
"You can stop calling me that anytime. If I may, the thing of it is, I'm holding these for a friend who-" I cut the demon off with a fist to his mouth, sending him flying back. He was bleeding now from his busted lip and nose.
"No more games." My voice shook.
"Well, that's bloody funny coming from you!" The blond shouted while scrambling to his feet. "'No more games'? That's all you ever done is play me! And you keep playing with the rules you make up as you like! You know what I am. You've always known. You come to me all the same." I heard him storm off.
"You better get out of here, they're about to hatch." Riley cocked his gun, but I simply ignored him and set fire to the carpet under the eggs.
Standing there, watching the flames dance and rise higher, I heard the screams from the infant demons as they were hatching and burning. They looked like strange spiders before they were turning charred and black, and I stood there as the fire spread to other parts of the underground room.
"Aud...." Riley's voice was soft now. "Aud, come on, before we get burned, too." He grabbed my shoulder, forcing me to turn around as the last I saw was the bed doused in flames. The heat was on my back now, but....I felt cold.
~
It was deathly silent as we walked through the cemetery until Riley was the first to speak.
"I won't say anything to Buffy if you don't want me to, Aud." His tone was gentle. "But....why him? A-And I thought you were disgusted by that stuff."
"....I don't know." I mumbled while staring straight ahead. "I don't even understand it myself.... I've been trying, but....I'm lost."
"Is it....Is it a demon thing? I mean, you know who he is and yet you still-"
"Please, stop." I closed my eyes as my brows furrowed. "Look, I don't know anything. I can't give you any answers or say anything to excuse what I've done. Like I said, I don't understand it either."
"....I have prior authorization to take The Doctor out, do you want me to do that?"
"No. If I want him dead, I'll do it myself. I need to figure these things out on my own."
"Don't put anyone in danger." Riley warned.
~
We regrouped at the Magic Box, and I didn't say a word as Riley told the others how we found the nest and burned it. It wasn't long after that when Riley and Sam left with a helicopter, and I didn't even eat dinner before going to bed. I knew what I had to do. It was time to finally do it once and for all.
I went in the morning after making breakfast for everyone to make it seem like I was fine, but I felt as if I wasn't and couldn't quite tell why. Things were so much simpler back in England- less drama, less emotion, less of everything.
"Suppose she's back." Spike said while looking at the ashes and burned debris, and he softly kicked a charred piece of wood that crumbled. "Bet soldier boy hit you on the nose with a bit of newspaper."
"He's gone." I stated.
"Come for a bit of cold comfort?" He looked over his shoulder at me. "The bed's a bit out of it but-"
"I'm not here to have sex with you. And I'm not here to kick your ass for your stupid scheme, either. That's just you. I should have remembered."
"This is worse then, is it? This is you tellin' me-"
"It's over."
"I've memorized this tune, love." Spike stepped over blackened and broken furniture toward me. "I've got the sheet music. Doesn't change what you want."
"I know that." Looking him in the eye, I continued. "I do want to be with you. I've comprehended how lust feels and the desire, and I definitely feel that way about you, but that's all it is." His face fell, but I didn't stop talking. "I can't love you. Being with you is just me being weak, and selfish-"
"But I'm not complaining here."
"I am incapable of loving you. I'm sorry, William." The pain in his eyes and his face took me by surprise, but my void expression didn't falter. I had to be strong. He didn't say a word, didn't move a muscle, just....looked at me with such hurt. I turned and walked away, but I felt a sharp pain in my chest, now knowing without a doubt that he loved me. Loved. A soulless creature with such skewed morals that held such darkness felt love.
And I broke his heart.