P E R C Y U S
I watched her small form run from the room like hell was on her heels, by nose picking up the recognisable scent of her salty tears. Her small hand pushed on the door as she exited and it closed, the sound of her footsteps silenced. I didn't know how it was possible to miss the noise of someone's footsteps.
I immediately felt a hole pierce my heart as she left, like a knife, twisting and pulling. I had fucked up - no, my WOLF had fucked up. That prick used me to kiss her when I knew wholeheartedly she was not ready. She was too scared still, too shy. I was supposed to respect her bpunrdaries and patiently wait, but I hadn't. I probably scarred her for life, all because I couldn't keep my own wolf in control. I was disgusted with myself, absolutely ashamed of my actions.
I clenched my good fist tightly, so hard that it shook with the force. I turned around and slammed it into the wall, my fist going through the wood like it was water. I pulled it out and punched it again and again until the wall right by the bed was littered with holes. My fist ached with pain, blood pouring from my knuckles getting onto the wall, splinters digging deep by the bone.
Calla. Goddess, I loved that name. But now I ruined it. All of those thoughts I had dreamt of over the past few weeks were all shot out the door. There was no way in hell she'd ever so much as look at me again without shaking in fear. I was just reciprocating what her old pack did, it seemed. I can't do a thing without her trembling an cowering because I'm doing something wrong. She probably hates me and is too obedient to run.
I threw the blanket off of me, suddenly burning up like I was on fire. Sweat started to bead on my forehead and the base of my neck, my hair flopping onto my forehead and sticking there, in dire need of a cut. I stood up, my body aching to the point where met legs buckled. I gripped the bed post, my left wrist protesting immensely. I stood up again, a frustrated growl escaping me out of anguish. The strangled sound bounced off the walls and came back to me, ringing in my ears in a cacophony of pain.
I stumbled backwards, flinging out my hand and smacking so tray of supplies onto the floor. The cart it was on rolled in front of me, and I screamed at it before kicking it out of the way. I gripped my head in my hands, my sweaty hair sticking to my fingers. It felt like my chest was on fire, my heart an endless supply of wood to be charred.
I fell to my knees, a grunt escaping me from the impact of my knees. I bent to the floor, pressing my head to the floor in an attempt to cool down and relieve the pressure and the ringing bouncing around in my head. It was endless. I felt dizzy and sick, like my heart was a big ball of fire. Tears leaked from my eyes and I sobbed, my shoulders shaking in agony.
But I knew I wasn't the one who needed to cry. I was the cause of this. This was my fault. I dragged myself back to my feet, my lips falling into a hard line, the sweat and tears mixing and soaking my body. I grabbed the beeping computer signalling my heart rate from a band on my wrist and slammed it to the ground, breaking it. The glass shattered and my bare feet took the brunt of it, glass embedding into my flesh.
"This is your fault." I told myself, my voice echoing in my head.
My hands grasped onto a pair of scissors, my sweaty hands rushing to hold them properly. However they slipped from my fingers and fell, the blade dragging down my leg as it went. I screamed in pain, my leg torn wide open. Dark red blood poured out from the wound, but I knew it was just karma. "This is your fault!!" I screamed, my knees buckling once more.
I heard the crunch of glass as my back fell into the pile of shards, arching painfully from the fresh cuts. I groaned in pain, my back stinging like my feet. I rolled to my side to alleviate some pain, but ended up going back again. "You deserve this." I spat through ragged breaths. I caused her pain, now I have to pay the price for my actions.
As I lay there, time passing by slowly, I started to calm down. Say, ten minutes had passed, my body still on the floor. I was surrounded by broken glass, and the blood still fresh and oozing out ever so slow. I knew I hadn't hit arteries, but I knew the bleeding was bad. Those scissors were sharp. Another minute passed before the door creaked open.
My head snapped to the side to see who it was and Lorenzo opened the door and walked through. He stopped immediately and looked around the destroyed room, his expression blank. I felt my tears dry up, "Where's Calla?"
Lorenzo looked at me in shock, as if he couldn't believe I was saying that. "Seriously? After all that you want to come back? She's safe. I tucked her into bed."
I was up on my feet before he could even process it, and had my hand locked around his throat. I pushed him all the way backwards into the hall and slammed him against the wall. I growled and bared my teeth, "You touched her?" I seethed.
He gurgled and choked from the strength of my grip on his neck. I reluctantly eased up to let him speak, my wolf dangerously close to regaining control and ripping him apart. I knew I no longer had business with my wolf after the stunt he pulled with Calla, so I shoved him into a far corner of my mind. Lorenzo struggled against my arm, yet I knew he was holding back. He could've had me on the floor already and we'd be grappling for dominance, but he didn't.
"Maybe you didn't hear me," his eyes were tearing through me. He gasped in a shaky breath, my vice still tight. "I put her to bed. Something you were too busy moping to do!"
My nostrils flared and I tore his body from the wall, surprising him before I slammed him back on it again. His head snapped back and smacked onto the wall. He groaned in pain, his fingers that were wrapped around my wrists went slack and limp before he tried to grasp hard again to push me off. He squeezed his eyes shut, sucking in a breath through his teeth in pain.
"I hurt her. I couldn't control my wolf. I sent her away for her protection." I elaborated, leaning in close to make sure he heard that through all the bullshit floating around in his brain.
His eyes popped open, his pupils dilating while one stayed. He clearly had a concussion, and a small part of me felt bad, but the majority was satisfied. The inner alpha in me was content with the pain inflicted for his disobedience. I usually tried to suppress the feeling whenever I'm forced to hurt someone or make someone submit, I didn't want to turn into my father. However I couldn't help it.
I flexed my fingers on his throat, tightening the grip as I leaned in, making sure he could completely comprehend what I was going to say. "Stop trying to control the way I work. It takes a lot to get past all the shit in my own head, let alone hers." I growled, tapping my head. "Let me be the first to tell you to mind your own fucking business and get on with your life. Maybe if you found your own mate you would stop staring at mine."
His expression hardened, "Is this what this is about? Are you jealous of me and her?"
"Jealous?" I asked aghast and angry.
"You always get pissed off when we're together. When she gave me her first hug, you lost it. I'm the one that always is there to entertain her because you're too busy. Maybe you should treat your mate like she is supposed to be treated and she'd start to open up to you." He grabbed my wrist and twisted it, making my grip falter. He whirled around and pushed me against the concrete, his hand around my neck now.
I roared with anger at his move, but suppressed it to deal with the pure idiocy spilling out of his mouth. "I've been treating her the best I can. Maybe you haven't met her, but she's got some anxiety and PTSD issues which causes her to not want to open up. No amount of treating her nice will do that, I'm working to gain her trust, but every time I'm getting there something gets in the way. My father was the biggest setback yet, and I feel like shit already for allowing that to happen. You don't need to make me feel worse.
"When you gave her that hug, yes I was hurt. It is understandable in my shoes to be a little heartbroken, but I got all of that shit out of the way. We fixed it. I apologized for making her feel like it was her fault, I told her it was okay. I know she still treads lightly because of it, but she's slowly warming up to me and what she can do with her freedom." I tried to push down the tears building up in my eyes thinking of how awful of a mate I'd been.
"I love that she trusts you. If it can't be me it has to be you, there's no one else I would trust with her safety and security. I'm trying, Lorenzo. I really am. I've been nice and kind, I've offered to listen, I've let her know it's okay, I've helped her open up and become the little smartass she is... but it's hard. Sometimes I don't think I can help her get over her fears when I still can't get over mine. I feel like I'm drowning, but if it means I can hold her above the water that's fine. Just get off my back about it."
I pushed his hands off of me and turned my back to him, walking down the hall away from the medical wing. I shoved my hands in my pockets, my eyes flooding over as the tears rolled down my face. I could feel his eyes on my back, burning holes into me. I sniffed quietly before rounding a corner, feeling the weight of his eyes on my body lift.
I stopped, pressing my back against the wall as I broke down for the third time that night. I pressed my hands to my face and slid to the floor. I silently sobbed, my shoulder rising and falling. My chest hurt with the pressure of my bleeding heart beating agonizingly hard in my body, a constant reminder of losing Calla possibly forever.
The tears flowed down my cheeks harder than they ever have. I had never felt a pain like this. Getting beaten never hurt this bad, watching my mother slowly fade away from my life didn't hurt as bad as this. It was like my mind and body were both on fire, burning slowly to make sure everything hurts the way it should. Sobs felt so familiar, like a wicked deje vu to my youth when my father had caused me pain before.
He might've been the cause of our physical pain, but the mental pain was all on me. I had destroyed was hope I had for ever creating a life with her. Because I can't control my own wolf living inside of me, I now missed out on my entire life. Apparently it started before that, according to Lorenzo. Was I always a horrible person? I was trying so hard.
Why can't anyone see I am doing my best? I was treating her right, giving it all of my time, effort and energy into being with her. I couldn't be away from her for long before I went nuts. It was impossible for me to not be with her, so what was Lorenzo talking about? Did she hate me before I fucked up?
My body shook with the cries emitting from my mouth in weak sobs. I slowly slid until I was laying on my side, my tear and sweat soaked chest heaving up and down from the hyperventilating. I don't think I could survive if she left me. I never knew I was so attached her, but the mere though of her leaving felt like my burning heart was being ripped from my chest.
I folded my trembling hands and looked up through the small skylight up at the moon and stars. "Goddess, please forgive me for the pain I've caused Calla. I've been an awful mate... I think she wants to leave me. Please convince her to stay," I cried. "Please don't let her leave me. I'm begging you, please."
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Thank you for reading!
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