(A/N ~ i'm sorry)
Lmao, i'm finna rewrite chapter 41 of What Love Is because its soooo controversal. And people have every right to be mad at what happened; but I realize so many people missed the point of that chapter.
They don't read further on and see the grief and realizations that the characters come to. The fault might not have been adressed in the chapters following, but they were adressed further on and thats where people just didn't read to. And fair enough.
Development of a character doesn't just happen in the beggining of a book. People aren't going to stop making mistakes even after being together for a year.
Hayze's actions were terrible. And that should have never happened. But River doesn't understand that.
Her character is vunerable in relationships. She doesn't know better. And she LEARNS that later on.
She realizes what she deserves. And people forget that she had never been taught that.
So i'm going to rewrite it. For the sake of the people who didn't understand the reason for this chapter. And hopefully it upsets less people.
// i've changed it lmao. This is better I hope.
___
Hayze had worked non stop for the past two weeks and he was stressed to the point that he had seen one gray hair pop up on his head. The fact that he had spotted a gray hair stressed him out even more and he was walking around with tense shoulders.
He had blown off steam in the gym until he was past the point of fatigue and he hadn't even spared River a glance for four days because he was too tired to entertain her.
She seemed to understand his exaustion because she kept her distance and only cooked dinner for him and set it out before he arrived home. She allowed him to cuddle her at night, but she was more stiff then usual and they never spoke any words to each other.
The anxiety of the project he had been nonstop working on had finally settled in and excercising hadn't helped in the least. His father had suggested anxiety meds but he was not going to go anywhere near those because he knew the side effects they came with. And he couldn't afford to deal with any extra problems.
Now all he had to rely on was River. And he had chosen the worst way possible.
As soon as he arrived home, he grabbed her from the couch in the living room where she was taking an online test and carried her up into their bedroom before dropping her down gently on to the bed.
"Hayze!" She gasped. "What are you doing?" She asked as she scrambled towards the head of the bed.
The sound of his belt buckle hitting the floor sent a wave of excitement through her and River bit her lip hard as he crawled over top of her and began pulling on the center of her pajama shirt.
She squealed as it ripped down the center. "Hayze! That was expensive."
He couldn't seem to process the words she was saying. His heart was beating out of his chest and there was a blur in his eyes.
Hayze quickly freed her breasts from the sheer bralette she was wearing and she stared at him wide eyed as she noticed his deep breaths and the nervous look on his face.
"Hayze, whats wrong?" She panicked. River finally noticed this wasn't just Hayze being extremely turned on - but something was definetely wrong.
She yelped as he grasped one breast in his hand and then began sucking on the other like a hungry baby.
He seemed to be seeking some sort of comfort as his hands roamed her body, kneading and holding her close to him as he gently sucked.
She ran her hand through his hair to see if it would calm down his eratic movements.
She whimpered quietly as he kissed her soft, flushed skin and then he latched back onto her again. She couldn't help but squirm a little as he sucked and kissed her breast. She couldn't tell if it felt nice or if it felt strange.
His breathing started to slow as her breast started to grow sensitive.
Slowly, she pushed away his head but he just latched back onto her and pulled her even closer.
"Hayze, please. I'm worried about you. Let me help you," she said as she raked her fingers through his dark brown hair. He moved to the other side and placed a few careful kisses on her breast before he latched on again.
River arched her back off the bed as she felt the cool air hit her wet, hard nipple and then she felt Hayze's hands which he placed on her hips. His hands were physically shaking.
She shifted under him uncomfortably and cradled his head in her hands. "Are you gonna tell me whats wrong?" She asked softly, her soothing voice making his mind calm a bit.
She pushed on his head in an attempt to make him stop but a little boyish whimper escaped him and she suddenly felt a wave of sadness hit her.
So, she lay there and waited for him to finally take in that breath of fresh air he had been avoiding. He'd always done everything himself, so having someone comfort him was a new concept.
And a part of her trying to talk him through his anxiety scared him.
"I need you.." Hayze panted as he unbuttoned his shirt and tossed it to the side. "I need to be ins-"
"You need to talk about how you're feeling. You don't need me," River said with a shake of her head. She did in fact want him to make love to her; but a part of her knew she shouldn't let him. This would be worse for him then for her.
He was avoiding his problems. Releasing his emotions through everything else but talking and expressing himself.
"Please babygirl.." he groaned as he tugged his length out of his boxers and looked down at her with his icy blue eyes. River bit her lip when she noticed the dark circles under them. "I need to."
She gasped when his large hand gently wound around the side of her neck and he squeezed a little. "Let me be rough with you, please. I've tried everything, you always make me feel better. I need you."
"You need to talk about it, that's what you need to do," she scoffed, though her hands were grabbing at her breasts, delicately grazing her fingers over her nipples to send some sort of relief through her.
His eyes followed the way she touched herself and then he immediately tore away his boxers, his manhood bouncing with the movement and straining to be inside his wife.
"I need to f~ck you. Get on your hands and knees. ~ss up," he demanded and she started to get up to do so, but apparently her movements were much too slow for him.
Her eyes widened when he flipped her over onto her stomach. "Wait, Hayze!" She squealed when he pulled down her panties.
She whimpered as he slapped her bum and his hand tangled into her long, midnight black hair getting ready to tug at it and then he quickly refrained. "I'm going to be rough, but i'll remember not to pull your hair," Hayze whispered quietly in her ear before trailing opened mouthed kisses down the curve of her back.
"Gee, thanks," she moaned, biting into the pillow as he lifted her hips up and spanked her.
He spanked her again and again until the soft skin of her bum was a deep red.
"Put you're ~ss up like the good little girl I know you are," he said as he positioned his length behind her.
She whimpered as she raised her bum even higher and her small hands gripped onto the fluffy pillow that had his scent all over it.
She hated that she had let men walk all over her like this.
But it was such a turn on to have Hayze, the man she trusted hovering over her, dominance pulsing through him and a firm hand to hold her still while he pounded into her.
It's just that sometimes, men got a little ahead of themselves sometimes. They take things too far.
Hayze had worked himself to the point of insanity and River's p~ssy had just taken the force of his stress.
°•○●○•°
River's eyes began to roll back and she could no longer focus on the time displayed on the screen of Hayze's phone.
She didn't realize how long Hayze would be able to last and she was beggining to curse his stamina in her head.
"Hayze.." she moaned as he pressed her cheek down into the pillow and followed her hips up as she moved so he'd stay inside her. "I'm g- oh my g-" she panted for her words as he slowed his strokes and shushed her and then he suddenly pulled out when he felt the force of her cumming around him.
River cried out as she felt the liquid squirt out of her and onto the bed. Her whole body trembled through her third climax and she felt her arms and knees give out so she fell into the bed.
Hayze let her drench his length before he shoved himself back into her with a groan and he leaned into her.
He hadn't even taken note of the fact that she hadn't caught her breath yet and that she was still tightening and clenching onto him - trying desparetly to get through her climax.
Usually, he would let her take her time. And she was used to him talking her through her orgasm, but Hayze spoke few words that day.
He just wanted to f~ck.
And she let him.
Neither of them had quite learned how terrible avoiding their problems could lead to to bigger problems.
°•○●○•°
Hayze cried over River's limp body like a litle child who had just been dropped off to school and left by their parent to fend for themselves.
"A Dio. What have i done?" He cried as he cradled her to him.
The anger and stress had faded away and he had barely realized what he had done until she had came a fourth time and passed out under him.
He hadn't realized the tight grip he had on her until his eyes cleared of tears and he saw the forming bruises on her waist and her breasts and neck.
He had been just like Nico. The man he despised for hurting his bella rosa.
Now he was just like that man. Rough and controlling. Not giving her a chance to speak.
"Wake up please. I need to apologize," he pleaded as he gathered her into his lap and rocked her gently.
He was even more disgusted at himself for releasing onto her once perfect skin. He would have hated himself more if he had filled her with children without her consent.
"Bella rosa, i am so incredibly sorry," he whispered as he caressed her face and rocked her in his arms.
She was so fragile in his arms, her breaths small and calm unlike the chaos he was feeling in his heart.
He didn't feel that he deserved her care or her love any longer. He didn't deserve her beautiful body. He didn't deserve to wake up beside her every morning. He didn't deserve to come home to a hot home cooked meal every night.
No. He deserved none of this because he had just broken the one promise he had made to her.
He was supposed to take care of her. And protect her. And he was supposed to show her what love was.
But he hadn't. He had f~cked her. Point blank.
He had just treated her as if she was just there so he could use her body.
He had used her as his own form of anxiety meds.
He was f~cked up
He should have just talked with her. Let her hug him. And kiss him. And take care of him.
Instead he f~cking f~cked her!
Hayze jumped as she moaned quietly and she slowly opened her honey eyes.
"I'm so sorry pretty girl. How are you feeling? Are you hurting? I am so so sorry," he said as hugged her to his chest.
"Are you crying?" She asked hoarsley from all the screaming and moaning she had done.
He nodded, embarassed. "Sì. I am."
She shushed him and brought her small hand up to his face. "Don't cry," she said weakly.
"No, babygirl. You're supposed to be shouting and cursing at me," he said as he swept her hair away from her face.
"I'm too tired to do more shouting and moaning, Hayze.." she said, cracking a small smile.
He winced and shifted uncomfortably at her comment. "I'm making an exception. Be mad. Curse. Punch. Scream. I don't care. Just... show me you have the energy to hate me," he pleaded.
She smiled softly as her eyes stared glossily up at him. "I'm not mad."
"No," he said as his throat got caught with tears. "No, babygirl. You have to be mad. I just took advantage of you. I broke my promise."
She shook her head tiredly. "I don't have to be mad. And i broke my promise too so its fair."
A single tear dripped down his face and she gently swiped it away with her delicate fingers. "Don't cry," she said softly. "Please don't cry."
"I-" Another tear dripped down his face and she swiped it away again. He hadn't cried since he was a teenager.
"Don't cry. You don't need to cry for me," she said as she wiped away another tear.
Yes i do
So he did cry for her. He cried and cried and showed her how sorry he was. But there was never going to be enough tears to show her how sorry he was. Never enough words. Never enough.
So instead he whispered:
"Ti amo. Ti amo tanto."
(I love you. I love you so much)
All she did was smile softly and though he didn't expect her to understand, she did.
And all she replied with was:
"Lo so. Lo so davvero."
(I know. I really do know)
A/N - okay, i forgot to write this authors note sooner. And i should have, but i haven't. And i'm sorry.
To those of you who've already read this chapter, i know you guys were triggered. Hayze, in a way, is just like Nico.
Hayze, is not perfect. He's a man. And men, women too, do silly things.
A lot happens in a marriage that can be counted as physical, mental or verbal abuse. And it happens everyday. All the time. Whether you realize it or not.
But people think its okay because "oh yeah, they're married. So they're allowed to do things like that."
In a marriage, some things are more normalized because they've vowed to go through things together and figure them out.
I know someone verbally abusive and manipulative. They're not always like that. Just when they're angry.
But they don't get consequences for it because they're the head of the home. And what they say, goes.
If anyone at all came across them doing the things they did, people would hardly blink. Because that person is married and has that control. Has that advantage.
But lets just talk about something. Because i was a bit nervous to adress it - but imagine River begging Hayze to get intimate. And pushing him to make her problems go away.
The girl is usually sympathized with. Because she's the woman. And the mans job is to take care of her needs.
I purposely put this chapter here so you can see, no one is perfect. Everyone has their flaws and weaknesses. But it's all about where we draw the line.
When's the point where we stop giving second chances?
Nico and Hayze aren't so different after all. So why is it that we choose one over the other?
Why do we side with the person who's made the same sins? Commited the same crimes? Whether small and insignificant. Or big and scarring.
Maybe its because one has made the mistake one too many times. And the other is genuinely regretful of their actions. So he learns from it and never does it again.
Second chances and love. It's hard to choose where you spend those chances, when a something like love has you cast under its spell.
- i'm sorry
EtherealPrincess ♡