The feeling of Luke's skin against mine lingers on my skin, even a few days later. I can't seem to shake him and I don't know if I want to. He left me confused. More confused than I've ever been. It was different than last time. It felt like we were saying more than the times before. Something we can't take back.
It felt like there was a hidden message between each kiss I hadn't expected and I wish I could turn my thoughts back, but know I have to make a decision. I can't sway in this space forever. I need to decide.
About him.
About my life.
About what I want.
It shouldn't be this complicated, and maybe that's because I'm the one complicating them. Maybe his signs have been clear as day, but for the first time in my life, it's the only thing I can't read. I can't face him. Not yet. And so, instead of being adult about it and facing him head on, I've been doing the opposite. Taking a cue from all the stories I've read and putting them into action. Eventually, I'll have to face him, but I'm not there yet.
I need space to catch my breath. To make the right decision.
"Hey Mags," I say with an excited grin as I hurry towards the reception desk, clutching the manuscript pages tightly to my chest. "I got my hands on a copy of that book for you."
"Oh, give me." She turns in her chair and extends her hands out to me, just as eager to have it in her grasp. "I expect this to be as good as you've hyped it up to be."
"It won't disappoint," I tell her as I give it to her. "It's the perfect mix of heartbreak and hopefulness."
She smiles as her eyes drop to the cover page, blank except for the book title and the email I reached out to. My hope diminishing with each second that they don't take me up on my meeting offer. A fear creeps into my head as her lips part, the excitement and fear fading when her face falls slack.
"I'm going to kill him," she mumbles, tossing the pages on the desk in front of me.
My brows furrow together as I look at her. "What are you talking about?"
"I don't need to read this," she says and before I can question her, she's giving me the answer. "I wrote it."
"What?" I ask, my excitement bubbling up again with the information. "Why didn't you just give it to me? I would have read it in the heartbeat."
"That's exactly why," she says as she shakes her head, running her fingers into her hair. "And I didn't submit it at all. Zane must have."
"Maggie, it's so good!" I try to make the best of a bad situation. "We want to publish it."
"No," she says, shaking her head. "You were never supposed to read it in the first place, Emery. I don't want this out there and I don't want you giving it to anymore people."
"Maggie, I get that you didn't want it out there but it's–"
"How about instead of lecturing me, you deal with your Luke drama?" she questions, turning it around on me and I know it's her anger for the book being out in the world without her permission talking but her tone makes the words sharper than I want them. "You like him, Emery. Just accept it and own it, instead of acting like a child."
Holding my breath, I calm myself down and pull the manuscript to my chest. I press my lips together in a thin line and say, "I get that you're upset, but that was uncalled for."
A curl of guilt blooms in my stomach as I walk toward my office. Even if Maggie's right, it still hurts the way she said it and I wish I had admitted it to myself instead of her saying it to my face. I can't keep avoiding him, hoping that the realization that there's something between us will go away. It won't go away. It'll linger until I'm drowning in it.
• • •
Maggie's already gone by the time I finish up and walk out to the lobby, taking a slow breath when I realize this is going to be more than a small argument. She's actually upset, and I worry the most for Zane. I may have spread it, but Zane gave it to me, even if I didn't know it at the time.
It's messy, but I want to make it right and that means getting out of my own head first. Without meaning to, I find myself walking towards the bar when I get off the train instead of my apartment. My thoughts swirling as I walk, hoping my chest will stop racing by the time I get there. I've spent so much time avoiding the subject of Luke that I don't know how to deal with the feelings. Though, I'm not sure I ever did.
I did it with Charlie for the entirety of our relationship, because it seemed easier that way. I avoided talking about the serious stuff, because I didn't want to admit to myself that he was the wrong guy. I didn't want to face he was never going to be my prince charming, and I'm doing it again with Luke, but this time for a different reason. I'm avoiding the serious talks and sorting out my feelings because I'm fearing the opposite.
I'm scared he may be the right guy.
I'm scared Luke will break me if I let him in. Not the way Charlie did. Charlie never had any real hold on my heart, not the way he thought he did. He broke me down until I had no choice but to rebuild myself into the independent woman I am now. Luke has the power to leave me completely devastated in his wake.
I waited too long with Charlie, and I don't want that to be the same with Luke. I need to let him in before I lose him all together.
There's no long line when I get to the bar this time. The smell of sweat overwhelming my senses as I step inside, finding a few groups spread across the bar. I don't know why I came here instead of home, part of me knows I was hoping I'd be forced to talk to Luke if he was here and surrounded by liquid courage if he wasn't.
"What can I get for you?" the brunette bartender from Luke's gig night asks when I approach the solid wood bar. My lips part as I realize I'm not sure what I want as I pull my coat off, sliding it around the back of the bar stool.
"Um... can I get a–" I start to ask when I'm cut off by Luke, his voice ringing in my ears as he steps out from the backroom.
"I can handle this one, Liz."
"All right," she says without argument, crossing to the opposite side of the bar as Luke walks towards me. The tension in the air dissolving with each step he takes.
"Hi."
"Hi," he says with a smile, but it's not the big smile I'm used to. More of a reluctant one. Something he's forced onto his face. "Did you like what you had last time?"
"Yeah."
He nods and wanders off, coming back a few seconds later with a cold bottle in his hand. He sets it on the counter before grabbing the bottle opener from his back pocket, peeling the cap off as he slides it closer to me.
"Thank you," I say as I take it, resting it between my hands as I pick at the wet label with my thumbnail.
"So..." he trails off. "Where've you been, 4A? Thought you might be ghosting me."
I expect myself to lie. It's what I would have done if he asked me a few weeks ago, but I can't bring myself to do it this time. More importantly, I don't want to. "I may have been."
"Got a little too real for you?"
"No," I say, shaking my head. "Not exactly."
"Then what?"
"I freaked myself out," I admit and lift my eyes from the bottle to meet his. "I have a feeling that you don't... do this kind of thing with just anyone."
"You aren't just anyone, 4A."
"Is that a good thing?" I ask.
He leans into the bar and rests his hands over mine, tangling our fingers together. My gaze drifting to his fingers as he plays with the bracelet on my wrist. "I haven't decided yet," he admits as his thumb brushes over my skin, sending a chill up my spine when he stops over my pulse. "I want to figure it out though. If you're willing to try."
And there it is, out in the open.
He wants to see more of me. He wants to figure out what this is between us and the admission makes my heart race as I hold his gaze. We skipped right over friends, landing somewhere in between friends and lovers. It should make me happy, because it's what I want too. I've never been one for casual, but Luke and I feel like we've been everything but.
"Did I ever tell you how Charlie and I came to be?" I ask, changing the subject with the intention of circling back.
He shakes his head.
"I grew up in Milton with less than two thousand people. I didn't attend the public high school in town. My parents sent me and my brother to private school forty-five minutes away in the city and it's a huge reason why I don't have a whole lot of friends. It seemed pointless to make friends at school, because I knew I'd never see them outside of class, so my books became my friends until I met Charlie."
I don't know why I'm telling him all of this, but for some reason, I need to get it off chest because the ache caused by Charlie is the only thing holding me back. Maggie's right. I have to face the fact I like Luke and own it, but I can't without sharing the reason I'm the way I am.
"The White's are a name known well around my hometown, but Charlie and I never met until I was sixteen. There was just something about him. He fascinated me. Made himself out to be some kind of prince charming and it was like he had me under some kind of spell," I say as I run my thumb over the length of his. "He was the first person to ever express any interest in me and I guess, that kind of made me blind to all the bad things. Every time he did something stupid or anything that should have made me break up with him... I'd just go back to that day. To the sweet boy he made himself out to be."
"Emery, why are you telling me all of this?" he asks as he moves from playing with my fingers to holding my hand.
"I think in a lot of ways, Charlie broke me," I say. "I keep telling myself that I'm fine, and that I've moved on, but the damage is still there. I'm scared of getting my heartbroken by you, Luke, because you have that power."
"I wouldn't do that."
I smile weakly, squeezing his hand. "You can say that, but you don't know. And I realize how stupid that sounds, because I'll never know if I don't take the chance, but I'm trying to justify not wanting this. Charlie took something from me, but he also gave me something. Since we broke up, I've been struggling to be on my own. I went from living with my parents, to living with Charlie and it was an adjustment being by myself."
"I'm not asking you to live with me, 4A."
"I know that," I say with the roll of my eyes. "What I'm saying is... I have depended on people my whole life and I had to learn to depend on myself after Charlie. I'm saying that I'm scared about becoming dependent on you. Not that I don't think I can. You've proven that you aren't the person I thought you were."
"A good thing, I hope."
"It is." I smile. "I would be lying if I said I didn't want to try to make this work despite how much that scares me."
"But?"
"But I'm not sure what it is that's stopping me, but there's something. I feel stuck and if we're going to do this, then I want to be one hundred percent," I say. "I want to do it right and I want to be all in with you."
"Okay." He nods. "What does that mean for us right now?"
"As much as you're probably going to hate me for saying this," I say and bite down my bottom lip, before continuing. "Can we just stay friends for right now?"
"Do I get to kiss you?" he asks, lifting my hand up to his lips and I have to hold my tongue to keep from grinning at the feeling of his lips against my knuckles.
"No." I shake my head.
"Can I still flirt with you?"
I think about it for a second before letting the smile creep onto my lips. "Yes."
He hums. "And if I want to keep thinking about you? Is that okay too?"
"If you think you can handle thinking about me without touching me," I say as I twist in my seat. "Friends?"
"Friends." He nods as he walks around to my side of the bar. "Can I have a kiss to hold me over?"
"Luke." I laugh.
"Just one?"
"No! Friends don't kiss."
"We could start a new kind of friendship," he teases me.
"Luke." I press my lips together as I turn in my seat toward him. I can't tell him to stop as he rests his hand on my neck, leaning forward and my eyes flutter close as he kisses my cheek. When he moves his lips from my skin, he doesn't move away or let me go. Instead, resting his forehead against my temple.
"You scare me, too, 4A."