I laid there on the table, going in and out of consciousness as the drugs they had administered were kicking in.
"She's losing a lot of blood, push three pints of O," the doctor yelled but it sounded faint and in the distance, even though she was right on the other side of the curtain that was on my neck.
"The husband and family want an update," I heard a nurse say. I tried to call out for Ryan, to get the nurse's attention to tell Ryan I'm fine, but the tube shoved down my throat was restricting me from talking and was breathing for me.
"Tell him that if he isn't patient, he will be leaving the hospital without a wife and son, so get out of my OR," the doctor yelled as I finally fell into a state of unconsciousness. The OR's bright lights faded into black.
"Look at him," Ryan said, holding the wrapped up baby in his hands. "He's got my nose and your beautiful eyes babe."
The room around us was dark, a pitch black room with nothing but Ryan and the baby around me.
I was in the hospital gown, staring at Ryan as he held the baby. I was cautious to walk up to him, knowing this was not right.
"It's okay," Ryan said, rocking the baby as it started to fuss. "What's wrong babe?"
I realized he was asking me and I snapped out of the confused state I was in.
"That's our-" I said, curiously inching my way towards him on the pitch black floor.
"Yeah," He said with his big smile, "look at him."
He moved the blanket so I could see the view better but when I looked into the blanket, there was nothing in it, an empty shell. I gasped and moved back as Ryan dropped the blanket on the ground, it disappearing as soon as it hit the ground.
Ryan looked at the dissipated baby blanket that was a pile of pieces and tried to put them back together, growing more and more frustrated by the minute.
"What did you do?" He screamed at me, him foaming at the mouth as anger and sadness quickly took over his happy expression. He jumped up from the ground and got in my face. "You took this away from me!"
"Ryan, I-"
"You took the only thing I wanted from my future. I thought you loved me?" His screams hit my heart hard, making my own tears form at my eyes. Ryan had his own streaming down his face as it contorted with anger.
"I-I-" but I stopped myself, looking down at my hospital gown where blood was seeping from an incision on my lower abdomen. It pooled onto the floor, matching the same black color as it puddled together.
I held onto my stomach as pain surged through my body. I kneeled, trying to get rid of it, as Ryan stood there, staring down at me.
"Why did I even marry you?" He asked me in almost a whispered as I cried out in pain. My hands were soaked in my own scarlet liquid as Ryan dropped his ring in front of me. Fear and pain were the only things that were rushing through me as I tried to reach for Ryan while he walked away.
"Ryan, wait-" I coughed, but the words choked out and were barely audible.
"You've done enough," he said through his teeth, making me cry at the sight of him walking away into the void of darkness in front of me.
I sobbed as I saw a grey light coming from my left. The light grew from the darkness and illuminated a bright white. So bright, I covered my eyes.
I stood back up, the blood still pouring from me as I heard a faint voice behind me.
"Lauren," Jack said, running up to where I was standing. His and Adam's feet were standing in the growing pool of blood, getting soaked themselves. "You can't just leave us like that."
"What do you mean?" I choked out, holding onto my stomach in pain.
"Ryan needs you," He said, reaching for my arm to pull me back. "The baby needs you, we need you."
"Ryan doesn't need me," I said tearing up. "All he wanted was a family and I'm taking that away."
"If you leave," Adam said, pointing to the blinding light behind me. "Then you're taking that family away."
"But I-"
"Ryan needs you to breath, to eat, to sleep, to live," Jack said,pulling on my arm even harder as a force pulled me the opposite way. "You can't just leave."
"I feel like I have to," I said, looking up at his big eyes. "What's the point anymore?"
"There's still hope, Lauren," Adam said, helping his brother hold me back. "You can't give up!"
I looked at the two brothers with an ache in my heart.
"Too late," I whispered and their grip was let go and I walked towards the white flash that was in front of me now.
"She's back!" The doctor exclaimed, looking at my heart monitor. "Come on, mom. He's almost here."
I felt the whole room spinning as the same white light in my unconscious state was shining above me from the OR lights. I felt something touch my shoulder and I looked up with my glassey eyes to see Ryan's fuzzy stature hovering over me, smiling down.
He was wearing what he was earlier, the smell of alcohol still on his breath as he leaned in and kissed my forehead.
"You've got this," He said, but his voice sounded a mile away even though he was just above me. Tears puddled at his eyes as he wiped them away, looking as if he was praying. "Cmon, Lauren, pull through."
"God, how long does this take?" Jack asked as he joined Ryan to hover over me. Adam came into my eyesight, joining his brothers.
"Calm down, Jack," Adam said to Jack as he put his hand on Ryan's shoulder. They all three looked down on me. "They'll let us know as soon as they can. It's just a waiting game now."
"This is bullshit," Ryan yelled, moving out of my eyesight. I tried to move my head to see where he was going but my head was stuck in the same spot, looking up at the vision of Adam and Jack.
"Ryan, wait-" Adam tried to call out, but was too late. "Jack, all we can do is pray, okay?"
Jack nodded and the two brothers bowed their heads and their statures dissipated into the light. I was left with only seeing the metal of the night above me and the tile ceiling.
"Time of birth," The doctor said with a sigh of relief. "18:34."
I smiled in my self conscious as I heard the baby's screams of his first cries. I couldn't move my physical face because it was cemented in place.
"Alright Lauren," the doctor said, shifting the air in the room to a more serious tone. "Now it's just you."
Suddenly, I was in the corner of the operating room, watching the doctors covered in my blood operate on my pale body. My face was completely set in stone with the tube coming out of my mouth in the little crack at the corner.
I passed the table and walked to the other corner where he was laying there, getting checked in the corner. His beautiful face contorted with his screams of life, something that took me aback in love.
He was a carbon copy of Ryan, with his nose and lips and everything. The beauty radiated off of this little boy was dumbfounding, and something surged through me.
I was standing over my own pale body, staring down at the face of a dying woman. I stared at her as she was slowly draining from life.
"Listen here," I whispered to myself in my son ear. "You wake up. You fight for your family, you got that?"
Tears were forming at my eyes as I yelled at myself, pointing at her to get my message across.
"That little boy deserves to meet his mom. Ryan deserves to see the mother of his child not in the morgue. You get your ass into gear and stay alive.."
Just then, my eyes opened and I let in a big breath, something that hurt with the tube in my throat. I looked around the room in panic, trying to get a nurse's attention.
"She's awake!" She said with relief. "She's awake."
"Thank god," the doctor said and everyone in the room dropped their shoulders like a weight was lifted off of them. I looked to my side and saw my baby being carted out.
I tried to stop them or say something, but the tube was still in my throat, holding back the words from coming out.
"Don't worry," the nurse said to me. "He's just going to the nursery. We are gonna finish here and get you back into your room."
I looked up at the nurse with big eyes that were welling with tears of emotion.
"You did good, Mrs. Metzger," She said, brushing back my hair. "Or should I say 'mom'."
She took the tube out of my throat and I breathed in my own breath, filling my lungs to their full capacity. The nurse's wheeled me out of the room, the whole trip I was closing my eyes, trying not to see the passing lights that were causing my headache to grow.
As soon as I was in my room, recovering from the major surgery, Ryan busted in. He didn't come close to me though.
He looked at me as if I was a fragile piece of glass that was ready to shatter at his finger tips. He stayed his distance to make sure I was still in tact.
"Thank god," he said, falling to the ground and letting everything out. He stood back up and walked to my side, holding my hand in both of his. "Lauren, If I lost you, I-"
"But you didn't lose me, did you?" I said smiling, the words cracking out of me because of my throat. "How is he?"
"Beautiful," He said, letting tears fall onto the linoleum flooring of the floor. "Just like his mother."
He pulled out his phone and showed me the picture he took of the baby bundled up in the same blanket that was in my dream.
"A chunker too," Ryan laughed, wiping away a falling tear as he clicked off his phone. "He's 9 pounds, 6 ounces."
"A chunker like his dad," I said joking, poking his arm with whatever strength I had left in me. Ryan laughed and brush the hair by my face behind my ear.
"I'm so glad you're here right now," he whispered and kissed my hand that was still in his other. "Without you, poor kid out there wouldn't know the value of this world and how to properly love without a woman like you as his mother."
I rested my head in his palm and looked up at him.
"I am so in love with you, Ryan Metzger," I said smiling at him.
He stood up and kissed the top of my forehead, looking down at me.
"And I love you, Lauren Metzger," he smiled. "But don't pull that almost dying shit on me again, okay?"
"Okay," I laughed and looked up at him with happiness "we are parents."
"I know right?" He said excited. "Scary, huh?"
"A little bit," I laughed, looking up at him. "I can't wait to meet him."
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