Thanks to Beautiful_Michelle for the banner, and thanks to theANovelAunwrittenA for the trailer on the side!
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I have to do it.
That’s what I keep telling myself as I head up the driveway toward the house. The modest, three-bedroomed house with its perfect brick pattern and a window in the attic. It’s the morning after having returned from the cabin, and despite waking up to a messy room and unopened suitcases after getting home late yesterday, I hadn’t so much as put away one t-shirt. There was no way I could concentrate on folding clothes with more pressing matters on my mind.
Nathan.
Even though my voicemail had remained disappointingly empty, I knew I couldn’t go much longer without at least trying to patch things up. That was what led me to pull on the first items of clothing I laid my hands on and set off for Nathan’s house in desperate search of forgiveness.
And why I’m currently standing in front of his front door, trying my hardest not to have a nervous breakdown.
I’m not sure if even a conversation is a reasonable expectation at this point. It’s only been two weeks since the night of the dance, and I’m clueless as to how much fourteen days count for when your heart’s been ripped out and stamped on. I doubt Nathan would be one to scream abuse at me, but there’s always the possibility of getting the door slammed in my face.
Even though any romantic feelings for him are non-existent, there’s something equally painful in the silence – the realization that losing Nathan will mean losing one of my best friends.
With that thought in mind, I abandon all hesitation and press firmly down on the doorbell.
My heart’s pounding right out of my chest; my churning stomach refuses to settle. Days seem to go by before I hear the click of the unlocking door, at which point my heart rate multiplies to what I’m sure is a life-threatening rate. It only has to open a fraction before I catch sight of a familiar face.
Relief more intense than I expected floods over me as the door opens properly and my gaze sweeps over him. I hadn’t realized just how much I’d missed the blonde-haired guy with the strikingly blue eyes; the sight of them now is almost comforting, despite the situation being anything but. A flicker of something I can’t quite recognize crosses his expression as our eyes catch. His widen slightly at the sight of me, evidently surprised by my materialization on his porch. Dressed in a flannel shirt and faded jeans, he stands there with one hand gripped on the door’s edge, like he can’t gauge the situation well enough to determine whether it’s safe to let go.
“Nathan,” I say, realizing only then that everything else in my vocabulary has escaped me.
He draws a breath, and I see him tense up. “What are you doing here?”
“I, um...” I can’t seem to drag my eyes away from his hand, which is poised to shut the door at any moment. It only increases the pressure on me to choose my words carefully. “Can I come in?”
A split-second of hesitation causes disappointment to wash over me, but after staring back at me warily for a few seconds, he nods and steps back to let me in.
The house is eerily quiet as I step inside, Nathan closing the door behind me. Each step on the wooden floor is surprisingly audible and I swallow, feeling like I’m causing a disturbance. “My mom’s not home,” he says. “It’s just us.”
We climb the stairs without saying a word, then cross the hall into his room. I’ve been here a couple of times before, where we’d sat hunched over algebra textbooks and test papers in an attempt to bring my grade up, but now it feels different. There’s a definite sense of tension in the air, which only heightens as Nathan sits down on the bed and I sink down beside him.
As he stares expectantly at me, his expression icy, I wonder what on earth I’m supposed to say.
“So did you want to say something?” he asks eventually. “Or are we just going to sit here? Because, you know, I have better things I could be doing...”
“Um,” I say, swallowing. “I don’t... sorry, I didn’t really think this through.” I shake my head slightly, trying to force a sensible suggestion from the mangled mess of my mind.
“Let me know when you figure it out,” he responds, his tone colder than I’ve ever heard it before. He tries to get up, but my heart gives a panicked lurch. Without thinking, I reach for his arm, stopping his movement. Pausing momentarily, he wriggles away, but nevertheless sinks back onto the bed, meeting my gaze again.
“Did you... get my messages?” I ask pathetically.
“Yes.”
“Oh.” My hands fidget awkwardly in my lap, and I notice how my throat suddenly feels dry. “Nathan, I... there’s really no other way to say this. At the dance... I mean...”
“Please don’t tell me it wasn’t what it looked like.”
I blink up at him, guilt flowing freely through me. “I’m not going to,” I say. “I’m not going to lie to you. The thing is... I knew exactly what I was doing, and yet I still did it anyway. I’m a terrible person. You have every right to hate me. But please... just hear me out when I say I couldn’t be more sorry.”
It looks like he’s shaking his head, but the action is so slight it’s almost invisible. No words escape his mouth, so I take this as my cue to continue.
“There’s no excuse for what I did, so I’m not even going to try to justify it. It was horrible, it was stupid and I wasn’t thinking. And when I realized how much I’d hurt you... it killed me.”
Nathan pulls his eyes away from me, instead choosing to focus on the floor.
“You’re an amazing guy,” I say honestly, feeling bad even before the words have spilled out of my mouth. “You’re cute, you’re thoughtful and you’re the sweetest guy I’ve ever met, but... I just... don’t like you as anything more than a friend. I feel so bad, but it’s true. I’m sorry.”
A pregnant pause stretches between us before he lifts his head, his eyes finding their way back to mine. Instead of being glazed with coldness, like before, they’re widened and sorrowful – which, of course, only makes things worse. “I know,” he says softly.
I blink. “You do?”
“Yeah. I mean, I suspected it for a while. I could just tell, like when I saw the way you looked at him. I thought maybe I could win you over, you know, if we just dated for long enough... but of course I knew, deep down, it wasn’t going to happen. It was Connor. It had always been Connor.”
“I’m sorry,” I breathe. “I should never have started this. It was a pathetic attempt to make him jealous, and if I could take it back, I’d do it in a heartbeat. It’s not fair... I shouldn’t have led you on.”
“No,” he answers, “you shouldn’t.”
“You have every right to hate me. I’ve done some terrible things, and I was stupid enough to hurt you. I’d completely understand if you never wanted to see me again,” I say earnestly. “But the thought of losing one of my best friends is killing me. I just... I don’t know what I’d do without you.”
Another heavy silence descends. My gaze is firmly fixated on Nathan, my vision boring into him like I’m trying to telepathically get across the sincerity of my apology. Everything behind him – the sky blue walls, not unlike the color of his eyes, the shelves stacked with textbooks and other well-thumbed novels, the clock counting each second with clean-cut precision – blurs into nothing, because I’m concentrating so hard on the boy in front of me.
“How much do you hate me?” I whisper.
I hear him inhale deeply, and it’s a few seconds before his answer is voiced. “I was in love with you,” he says. “I think I still am. When I saw you kissing him, I was totally and utterly crushed, but at the same time... I kind of expected it. You guys are perfect for each other, and I don’t want to stand in the way of that, you know?”
For a moment, I wonder if I’m the only one who’s been completely oblivious to my love for Connor. Brandon figured it out, despite being almost two thousand miles away, our moms were obviously rooting for the two of us to reunite, and even Nathan had seen through what I thought was totally inconspicuous behavior. How could I have been so transparent to everyone around me, yet hopelessly confused in my own head?
I’d been like an open book – only one that closed the moment I tried to take a peek.
“I was pretty pissed at the time,” Nathan admits, the sound of his voice snapping me back to reality, “but you can’t help your feelings. I mean, it would’ve been a bit kinder to let me down gently before making out with him, but... it happened. I can’t make you fall in love with me. And I’ve come to accept that.”
A breath I don’t realize I’ve been holding escapes me. “So...” I say tentatively, “we can still be friends?”
He looks back at me for a moment before the corner of his mouth curls into a smile. “Yeah. We’re friends.”
“Oh my God, I’m so glad,” I say. Suddenly I feel lighter, as if all the tension contained within me has instantly melted away. Struck by a sudden burst of happiness, I fling my arms around Nathan and squeeze as hard as my puny muscles can manage. I feel him laugh; the sound reverberates between us as his own arms envelope me.
“Besides,” he adds mischievously, his voice surprisingly close to my ear, “what would happen to your algebra grade if we weren’t friends anymore?”
“Hey!”
Retracting my arms, I administer a playful punch. He laughs, even though his joke holds more truth than I’d like to admit. My grin wavers slightly before it fades into an honest smile. “You know, you’re an amazing friend, Nathan,” I tell him. “Honestly, I don’t know what I’d do without you.”
“Well, you don’t need to,” he says. “I’m here, okay? And I’m fine about you being with Connor. You deserve to be happy. I’m guessing you guys are okay now?”
I nod, thinking about the events of New Year’s Eve. “We’re fine,” I say. A grimace precedes my next words. “I didn’t ruin your Christmas too much, did I?”
“Oh! Not really. It was okay. I saw Ava a few times anyway, so...”
“You did?” I can’t help but feel a little surprised. I suppose it’s not that strange for them to hang out in my absence, seeing as they are friends, but I’d been a little too wrapped up in my own problems to think about might have been going on back home.
“Yeah...” I’m not sure if I’m imagining it, but I could swear there’s a light flush spreading rapidly across Nathan’s cheeks. He clears his throat, seemingly eager to cut the discussion at this point.
“Well, I better go,” I announce, pushing myself up from the bed. “We got back last night and Mom will be on my case if I don’t start unpacking... no pun intended.” The thought of my fantastically messy room – and even messier suitcase – doesn’t exactly make me want to rush home in record time, but I know I better get it over with. Smiling at my unintentional humor, Nathan rises to his feet, just as I remember something else. “Oh, yeah. Do you want a ride to school on Monday? I was going to ask Ava too – we can all go in Connor’s car.”
Nathan looks slightly taken aback. “Oh! Yeah, sure.”
After hugging him again, we say our goodbyes and I head back down the stairs. For the first time in a while, my mind’s not weighed down by the stress of what I thought were insolvable problems, and it’s surprisingly liberating. Words don’t suffice to explain the relief I feel to know that Nathan doesn’t completely loathe me. Obviously, he’s still hurt, but that’s to be expected; I can’t expect him to snap back into character like nothing’s happened.
Although he has been hanging out with Ava...
The thought causes a smile to slip onto my face. Now I’ve considered it, the two of them would make a cute couple. He does deserve a decent girl after I stupidly screwed him over, and Ava totally fits the bill. I’m replaying Nathan’s reaction to the her mention in my head, and pull open the front door to find myself standing face-to-face with the girl in question.
Wearing what I recognize as her best jeans and her hair scraped neatly into a ponytail, Ava’s obviously made an effort. Her expression is the epitome of surprise when she notices me; even her cheeks are flushed in a way I’m not convinced is from the frosty January air. “Georgie?”
“Ava?” Recovering from my initial surprise, I pull her into a hug. “I haven’t seen you in forever.”
“I know,” she answers, squeezing me back with such enthusiasm it’s hard to believe the circumstances in which we last saw each other personally. However, when we break apart, it’s clear that she hasn’t managed to shake off the look of a deer caught in headlights. “Um… how were your holidays?”
“Oh, they were okay.” Her face relaxes slightly, but I can sense the unspoken question lingering on her tongue. “Connor and I… we talked it out.”
“So you guys are…?”
“Yeah.”
“That’s great!” she says. Her gaze trails behind me, as if remembering we’re standing on Nathan’s front porch. “Um, what are you doing here? Did Nathan…?”
“I came over here to apologize. We, uh… we’re okay. Things are fine between us now.” A second wave of relief hits me as I say it out loud. Going over the situation internally is one thing, but it’s almost as if the words are coated in sugar as they roll off my tongue. “Anyway, um, what are you doing here?”
The rosiness of her cheeks darkens to something resembling scarlet. “Oh, um... we had plans... you know, to hang out.”
“I see,” I say, unable to resist smirking knowingly. “Well, I’ve got to head home, but you guys have fun... hanging out.”
She still looks slightly flustered as I head down the porch steps, starting down the front path. From behind me, the muted sound of Nathan’s greeting comes just before the click of the door closing, and I can’t help but let a small smile slip onto my face. After a disastrous last few weeks, it seems that my luck has had a change of heart; for now, at least, everything seems to be working out.
My pleasant thoughts are interrupted by a sudden noise from my pocket: my cell phone. Briefly checking the caller ID, I lift the phone to my ear just as I turn onto the sidewalk. “Hey, Connor.”
“Hey,” comes his breezy voice. “So you’re awake, then? I thought you might still be in bed.”
“I’ll have you know I’ve been up two hours,” I say, feigning offense. “And, if you were smart enough to look out your window, you’d see that my bedroom is in fact empty.”
“Oh yeah, didn’t think of that. So where are you?”
“I’m on my way back from Nathan’s,” I reply, pulling my jacket a little tighter as I realize just how cold it is. “I’ll be home in about ten minutes.”
“Oh, okay. It was alright, then?”
“Yeah. It was fine.”
“That’s great,” Connor returns, sounding genuinely pleased. “Listen, you’re working the afternoon shift at the restaurant later, right?”
“Uh huh.” It’s been a while since I’ve set foot inside Howard Grill; half of me wonders if I even remember how to waitress properly. Still, there’s a noticeable change in my reaction at the mention of work. A few weeks ago, I used to dread pulling on my apron and heading down there, with the prospect of seeing Connor looming over me. Now, though, that’s been lifted. The only thing I have to worry about is mustering the energy to beam at customers for six hours.
Which, you know, is no picnic, but is considerably easier when you’re not doing everything in your power to avoid crossing paths with your co-worker.
“Me too,” he says. “I was thinking maybe we could hang at my place after we get off. Last Saturday night before school starts again, you know. How does a movie night and pizza sound? Like old times?”
“That sounds perfect.” I can’t resist letting a grin stretch across my face. “I’ll be home in a bit, and I’ll see you later, okay?”
“Sure. Oh, and Georgie?”
“Hmm?”
“I love you.”
It catches me off guard; it’s something of a miracle that I’m able to step successfully up the curb without tripping and falling flat on my face. Even though the words have been exchanged a few times in the past couple of days, it doesn’t mean I’ve become accustomed to them yet. A second of recovery later, I smile. “I love you too.”
Because it’s true.
My cute, sweet – and, until recently, incredibly confusing – best friend?
I’m in love with him.
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What do you think? There is only the epilogue left :( I'm so glad that at least some of you shed a tear in the last chapter, haha. Mission accomplished! I don't know what else to say here, other than that I'm still in a really excited mood after last night. Anyone else watch the Taylor Swift webchat? Her new song... agh, I love it.
Anyway, I'll see you next time for the epilogue! Until then :-)