Autumn was just that season.
Just one of the many things that was ruined forever now. No longer could Yoongi watch any studio Ghibli movies without an ache in his chest. Or could he get bubble tea without the lingering taste of bitterness left on his tongue. That's what happens when you break up with your high school lover, he supposes. All their things were your things, 'our things', and there was nothing you could do about it.
You could either just get new things to like, or keep up with the same interests as if you didn't have someone next to you that would be there to talk about it to. Not anymore at least. Like you and someone who was no longer there didn't gush about it together at some point in your life. Yoongi could no longer just text his now ex boyfriend about something that was their inside joke.
"No longer do we use thick with two 'C's' we say solid with two 'D's'" Yoongi could hear him say, "That's an us thing now"
The nickname 'Yoonbean' as cringy as it was, could no longer be used by anyone else and now would be a name of the past. A bullet to his chest whenever he were to hear the mutters of anything similar to it.
Yoongi supposes, that maybe he was somehow at fault. He saw the signs of their relationship withering before the words "I want to break up" were even muttered. But it was never bad, it never does start out that way of course. It was gradual.
Even when fall had slipped into a winter in the middle of November. That, cold, November, afternoon occurred many years ago. But he could still feel the chill against his warming cheeks that burnished a red-ish hue, their cold yet clammy palms in their coat pockets. The crinkle of leaves as Yoongi stared at his lover jump into a pile of leaves with the biggest smile and grabbing his phone, Yoongi snapped a photo. Only one memory out of the few.
But Winter always comes even when you don't want it to. It's been a cold year, Yoongi would think every time December came around but then- then it really was a cold year. It was as if the seasons reciprocated what he had felt back then, when there was no spring and just winter. Just a snowy wasteland, devoid of any warmth as if it never existed in the first place.
Yoongi remembers when they had first kissed in the school halls and he had leaned on the wall, stepped on his toes high and kissed his boyfriend. And he didn't feel shy like he normally did. Because he wasn't ashamed of what he had, he was happy, proud that he- he was the one with the beautiful person that was 'xxxxxx'. But again... Maybe that was just his perspective.
You'd think something would've hit him right? When 'xxxxxx' had been spending too much time with his friend. Spent nights together and ignored Yoongi's texted for hours. But he was busy, right? So there was no evidence saying otherwise even when he saw his messages being read, but never replied to. But that didn't stop Yoongi from kissing his boyfriend, from spending nights with him with the door locked, parents just downstairs. He didn't think, not once, of the possibility of the one he loved not loving him anymore. The kisses stopped, so did the hand holding, and the presence of his boyfriend had completely been erased any weekend he had off. Because 'xxxxxx' had already made plans and Yoongi respected that. He wasn't going to be a controlling boyfriend, like those he's heard of before. Those 'xxxxxx' had said he had been with before.
They stopped video chatting, or even texting at all and for a while. At the time, the excuse of their busy high school schedule was good enough. Something to keep the worry of them breaking up at bay. He had been with only one guy all his high school years, and had supportive family. And he knew, deep down, that it wouldn't last forever. But a small fraction of Yoongi's being had wished and hoped for them to last a lifetime. 'xxxxxx' was all Yoongi had ever known, all he wanted and thought he'd always need.
However, he too, remembers the last time they kissed. How desperately Yoongi wanted to feel his lover of three years' lips against his own. He wasn't good with words so that kiss meant,
"do you love me anymore?"
Because he needed to know, and he knew that his boyfriend knew his own language. It was at the end of the day, and despite it being freezing cold Yoongi waited for 'xxxxxx's bus. It didn't matter if he was going to get sick or not because this was important to him. But Yoongi leaned in, hands holding the others, and the cold not bothering him; his ears burning of frost. The other flinched at Yoongi leaning in, moving his face to have Yoongi's lips hit his cheek.
He just went on his bus. That's when Yoongi knew.
And that was it. That was the last thing to set it off that things were going on. The last leaf that was finally turning over, the last of their relationship he had hope in. But of course- of-fucking-course he didn't end it. Why would he? Why would he want to get rid of his happiness despite him not actually being happy with who he loved? Because he's fucking stupid who thought that no one else would love him the way 'xxxxxx' did. Well at least that's what he had believed wholeheartedly.
So yes, in retrospect Yoongi was responsible for the bad break up. For not confronting the issues he should've when things got bad. For not breaking it off to his own accord and staying in a bad relationship that he knew was at it's brink of death.
So yes, indeed, Autumn was that season. The season that keeps coming back even as the years passed and brought back memories. Thing's you'd think Yoongi would've forgotten right? I mean. It's been about- 4 years? Four long years, but now, he's not a kid anymore. Not a high school student anymore, but the memories are persistent things.
Yoongi wasn't one to dwell onto things, however, this seemed like something to plague his mind every year. Every fall the rush of heart ache came when the leaves turned a bright array of warm colors, he could feel his hope deplete. You'd think he'd move on--it was years ago--and found someone. But that just wasn't the case.
It was a cold Friday, just the start of the month of November, where the leaves coated the sidewalks and the roads. Stuck permanently as it had just rained the night before. So the air was stuffy, cold, even with the sun shining down brightly it didn't dry the puddles or warm up the street. Altogether it was the worst weather for a night out with your friends, it was the best weather for a nice cup of coffee however. So that's what he did.
Pulling his hood over his ruffled bedhead, Yoongi walked into his favorite local café. The place was seemingly not that busy, only a couple of tables being used. Which was good, less people meant the quicker he got his coffee.
Days like this were always repetitive however. Nothing ever changes.
The instant he got into the café, the heat hit Yoongi's plush cheeks, the redness of his cheeks and nose remained. The sky seemed murky today, perhaps the world felt the same as he. Taking a seat at a booth, waiting for a waiter rather than standing in line and capturing too much attention with his sulky appearance.
You could tell he was wearing old, two-day old ripped jeans that he should've thrown away a while ago. His shirt was just a random stained pajama shirt, but, of course it was under the jacket so he could get away with it.
But the, 'Nothing ever changes', however changed.
Looking down at the table, Yoongi sighed, taking a napkin and with a pen he had stuffed in his jacket pocket to just doodle I guess. That is, until he saw a pair of legs walking towards him, before he actually decided to look up. There before him was a supposed waiter of this establishment Yoongi went to every day, every time at 2:10 exactly. Either this guy changed his schedule for the afternoon shift or he was a new guy, you'd think he'd have noticed? But even though he was curious, he wanted his coffee right now. But talking never really worked out for Yoongi in the best situations(not even in worst ones or just- situations in general).
"Whoa, who are you?" Why the fuck did God give him a mouth?
But the man was tall, he smiled softly, and he was really... handsome. His eyebrows were intense looking, though, you could tell that's how they normally looked. The man had a soft array of freckles across his face, his lips were softer and obviously taken care of. Yoongi could even smell the sweet scent of strawberry radiating off the man, whoever he was.
But despite Yoongi's rude words, the man still smiled, long brown hair casting over his eyes for a quick second. And in that moment, Yoongi wished he could brush it back.
"I heard they were expecting you" The man started. Referring to the owners who had usually served Yoongi, "I'm a new employee, Taehyung"
What a sweet name..
"I'll be your waiter from now on,"
Flipping open a new page on his notepad his smile widened before looking back at Yoongi, "And you're Yoongi, the regular I presume?"
This is ridiculous. And cliché. And- and... it's just stupid. Because why couldn't he find words in this moment? Why did his heart ache but differently then before? For someone who believed in love at first sight he was utterly baffled. Terrified.
Was it silly to say that he's never felt this rush of heart beat since his last boyfriend? I mean, of course it's okay for him to feel things. To move on. But Autumn was that season. He couldn't just change that could he? Replace the memories with others. Was that alright for him to do?
Taehyung looked so handsome, yet warm and welcoming. Usually Yoongi would feel intimidated by anyone attractive, and a small part of him was. But Taehyung looked so approachable that he didn't feel scared. Just a bit shy, reserved, and enthralled. And a part of him did want to ask this cute waiter out. But another part of Yoongi didn't think he was ready to move on. Maybe he was, just not prepared.
But then again, his ex could've moved on way faster than he did. Forgotten what autumn meant to the both of them. Forgot it even was a time in their lives where they lost a friend along with a lover. Was Yoongi the only one thinking and sulking over this season every year by himself? He had to just be the only pathetic one that couldn't move on. That didn't want to take the chance of falling for someone again just to lose them like the last person?
It never really occurred to him what he might do, what he was supposed to do in a situation like this. As he only believed that he had found his only one soulmate and lost his chance in fixing it or properly moving on. He thought all his life he would find the one and that would be the only person he would be with all is life. Never did he once ponder what he was going to do when his cold heart started to warm up again.
When someone as pretty as Taehyung just swept him off his feet.
"That uh- that's me"
Maybe this was supposed to happen. That Autumn was supposed to change. In meaning and in memories Yoongi was stuck with for most of his life.
"Hello Taehyung-ssi" The café around this time was somewhat empty. Only lingering with two other customers who were already served, headphones in. College students, he guessed.
Yoongi looked slightly better than he did that week ago, hair styled with his glasses settled on his face instead of his usual contacts. At least it covered his major bags under his eyes. He had just a big hoodie and jeans ripped by the knees(he finally got himself a new pair and threw the other pair away). But to his standards he was, well, dressed nicely.
Taking a stance by the counter, hands in his pockets, Yoongi just chuckled softly. "Yoongi hyung what did I tell you about the formalities! I know your regular order, that's got to count at least at level one friend" All the elder could do was blush. It just felt appropriate to keep them separated. To Yoongi, getting his hopes up that someone like Taehyung would even consider him anything more than a customer and a regular at that, was bad.
But he only fiddled with his sleeves after taking his hands out of his hoodie pockets. He usually was this awkward, but a part of him was worried. What if Taehyung found out that he liked him? That would make things awkward.
"I keep forgetting!" He lied with a quick push up of his glasses.
"Then I'll keep reminding you" Taehyung smiled softly. Today he wore a nice, ironed, and vertically striped blue and white button-up. Tucked into these beige, loose pants that some model would where. Taehyung could be a model himself. His looks, fashion taste, and just his aura sang that he was meant to be put on display for all to see. But then again, Yoongi wouldn't be able to admire him like this if he was. And Taehyung wouldn't have taken another glance at Yoongi, unless he was like a photographer for some shoot, or even nicely dressed.
The elder opened his mouth to say something, but quickly shut it when Taehyung had pulled out his to-go coffee cup. His named scribbled nicely onto the side of it. "Thanks," he looked down at the marble counter, hand scratching nervously behind his ear- old habit. "You know you don't have to write my name Taehyung-ah" He could practically feel Taehyung's chest fill with happiness.
"I do though," Taehyung started, "I make it before you come here, so you don't have to wait"
"It only takes a couple minutes you really don't have to"
"But that's where you're wrong. You're my favorite so you get special treatment" The younger smiled.
It was gestures like this that made Yoongi warm up on the spot. Things he missed when Autumn over the years became a sad sulky month of the same things day in and day out. Thing's he missed when he had someone who used to- used to do this for him. Sure it was just good hospitality right? It's sad to say that Yoongi had no friends after his break up four years ago. He only had one friend, and he lost that. Never thought it was good to have a friend again. Afraid to fall in love. So he must keep everyone away from him, as far as possible at least.
But Taehyung was so nice. Too nice to someone like Yoongi. But then again Taehyung wasn't judgmental at all. He seemed to not have not one bad bone in his body and that was surprising. To have such a pure soul in front of him.
However, Yoongi was not good at words. Confrontation of any kind was just a no-no so he just took a sip of his hot coffee. And departed from the café with just a silent, shy, bow.
Today was the worst day out of the entire month of November. Because it wasn't just a regular Thursday. It was the 15th of this dreadful ass month, the day this dreadful season turned cold and sour.
And he hated it, Yoongi hated that every goddamn Fall, every stupid fucking day of October and November left a sour taste in his mouth. Why couldn't he just move the fuck on? He lived normally but the ache remained. He somewhat moved on. He thought he did, I guess. But in the back of his head he still lingered. Owning his mind and any subconscious thought of trying to get better, to feel better, to let it all go. And yet here he was unable to do so.
He cried in the middle of his morning lecture over nothing. The teacher was explaining the concept of 'ISO' in is photography class. He sat in the back like usual, typing away notes on his laptop and just, silently sobbed. Because in the corner he could see the date there, the minutes passing by slowly.
The professor let him leave class early today, a good outcome. But instead of going to the café, he went straight to his shabby apartment to sleep. Sleeping it off always helped anyways.
Not knowing how he left a waiting Taehyung with a coffee in hand, name scribbled on the side of it. The poor waiter waited in confusion and tossed the coffee out when a new customer came up to the counter. Not the soft looking hyung he knew to love, but a young bunny-looking freshman.
The nap he took lasted longer than expected. The type of nap where the sheets are imprinted on your face, where your drool dried on your chin. The nap where you just don't changed and where your clothes in bed without the need of a blanket.
Yoongi could feel the guilt fuming in his chest as soon as he saw the sun outside just a setting ball of warmth. He felt bad that he left Taehyung waiting, but then again he was just a waiter, right? It's not like Taehyung was waiting for Yoongi to show up anyway.
But he got up anyway. No freshening up for him, leaving the red puffy eyes, the imprinted sheets, and the puffiness of his cheeks; filled with sleep. He took his contacts out to just put his big framed glasses on along with slipping his hood on.
Yoongi made sure to grab his keys, phone and, "Where the fuck- oh" His wallet.
It got dark despite it only being 6pm, but if you think about it, there is no afternoon in November. Just the cold outdoors and the chance of rain, the wind blowing the leaves, and a lot of deep puddles.
When he got to the café he was surprised to see the lights still on, to see no one inside however. The sign still gleamed a neon blue and red to signify It was, indeed, still open. But perhaps they were closing up now. But he entered anyway, the soft jingle of bells you normally wouldn't be able t hear if it was earlier. Music playing throughout the café and the people just being there usually cancelled out the bells sound.
But despite it being late, Taehyung emerged from the backroom, "Sorry we're closin- " He froze at the sight of Yoongi, "Oh"
"You didn't come today" Taehyung stated. Not questioning, nor with malice. Just a soft statement.
Yoongi took steps forward.
"I went home early"
"You were crying"
"I know"
"Why?"
Yoongi paused in his steps, not nervous or scared. Vulnerable. The nearest seat to him he took. Letting his breath finally go as he slumped. But Taehyung moved around, but ultimately coming to sit right in front of Yoongi.
A clink of a glass cup hit the table, and pushed toward him, "Have a drink, hyung, you don't have to talk"
His hand reached out to take his glass of water, sipping lightly. And it felt comfortable yet tense between them. Other than the occasional conversation they held when Yoongi wasn't rushing to go home, they never sat down to just... Chill
This was different from their waiter/customer familiarity. This was borderline friendship? Yoongi sighed as he placed his cup down. Finally getting a good look at Taehyung without the counter blocking them, or the notepad of professionalism.
"It's nothing really Taehyung. I just have a hatred for November" Well, that was true . Just not the full truth.
"Not because it's cold right?"
"No- not because it's cold" He smiled a bit, somehow, Taehyung was just able to make him smile no matter what.
The younger scooted his chair closer to Yoongi, calmly settling his hand at his hyungs knee, "You know, I've been trying hard to be your friend"
"And yet, all you do, is push me away"
I know... I'm sorry
He wanted to say that. He wanted to apologize for every time he left in the middle of a conversation that sounded like he and Tae were going to trade numbers. That they were going to make plans outside of this small, local café.
"Taehyung listen to me," He sighed, words he never said to another person other than himself he was about to confess. "I guess I'm just afraid, I had one friend growing up, and after- you know" Yoongi chuckled softly, "we- we uh dated-"
"And you think that's going to happen if you're my friend? That things will end badly"
"Uh- yeah exactly" He scratched behind his ear again, locking eyes with the other. His face flushed, he was nervous of course. And with the fact that Taehyung had moved closer to him, he could feel the others breath.
"Well... whoever did that to you, I'm sorry they ruined such a good month for you. But I'm not them"
Yoongi smiled, and then it grew into laughter. Just silent laughter, laughter that made him throw himself t Taehyung who caught him nonetheless.
So maybe Autumn was ruined for Yoongi for years. And maybe he was the cause of the leaves of his relationship to slowly fall one by one and crumble at his feet because he didn't do anything. But that's okay, because at the time he was a naïve teen who thought little of himself. Who had insecurities and abandonment issues culminated over the years, but strengthened by the relationship that broke him entirely.
He's not a teen anymore, he's not in high school, and he knows that. He knows he as a person had grown and became better. And Yoongi was allowed to moved on. With Taehyung, a soft yet handsome twenty year old, he saw him as a chance at a new start. A new friend.
Maybe Autumn wasn't so bad...