When I left the hospital, I got into the car and leaned my hands on the steering wheel. I just found out that doctors suspect that I have breast cancer and I have to undergo specialist tests to exclude or confirm it.
I took a deep breath. The moment I heard the diagnosis, I planned things in my head that I would want to do before my final sentence - death.
I took out a piece of paper from my bag and read the first point, "Tell FP the truth about my diagnosis." I decided that he should know this because he was the only person who would be useful for my next points on the list. And he was the only person I trust the most.
I pulled a phone out of my coat pocket and dialed the FP's number. Now I was overcome by stress, because I haven't talked to him since I told him about our dead child.
"Alice?" I heard his sleepy voice. How is it possible that this man slept at 3 pm?
"Did I wake you up?" I asked and bit my lip. I felt embarrassed that I called him.
"I've just got back from work and wanted to sleep, but that's okey." he answered, and I swallowed.
"I'm sorry, FP." I said and closed my eyes because I felt tears in my eyes. I sighed heavily, and my body began to shake with stress, fear and emotion.
"Alice, what happened?" the calm FP's voice made me cry softly.
"Forget I called, FP. Go to sleep," I said and hang up.
I didn't want to go home. I didn't know how I would look into Betty's eyes and tell her that I probably have a cancer.
I turned on my car and drove to Southside. I decided to go to Whyte Wyrm, because I needed somebody's company, and I knew that the right man to talk at the moment was Hog Eye.
I parked in the parking lot and got out of the car. As I expected, no one was there because it was too early to drink. I went inside and sighed quietly when I looked around the familiar room where I spent almost my entire teenage life.
"You always come here when something bad happens, Alice," I heard the voice of Hog Eye from behind the counter and I smiled slightly. I waved to him and went to the bar.
"How do you know me well?" I said with a smile and sat down at the chair.
"Do you want to talk to a qualified psychologist?" Hog Eye smiled and I nodded.
"You are a hopeless psychologist, Hog Eye," I replied and put my elbows on the counter. Then I joined my hands and put my chin on it.
"But I'm a good bartender," he answered
"That's true," I said with sadness in my voice.
"Oh, I see that" he stood in front of me with a bottle of whiskey in his hand and looked at me.
"What do you see?" I asked, stealthily wiping a tear from my eye.
"That you will cry right away" he pulled a glass from under the counter and placed it in front of me. He poured whiskey and gave it to me. With a smile of gratitude, I grabbed a glass and drank all whiskey. It made me feel better for a while.
"Well, what's wrong with you?" he asked and began wiping beer mugs.
"Momentary breakdown" I lied and shrugged, looking at the empty glass.
"You're hiding something, but I know how to get it out of you" he sighed heavily, and I looked up at him.
"How?" I asked slightly annoyed by his behavior. He merely smiled under his breath and poured whiskey into my glass again.
"Like that" he pointed his hand at the door to Whyte Wyrm, which opened. FP stood in it. I automatically got up from the chair and turned to face him, my cheeks flushed with a blush.
"You will thank me for that, queen," Hog Eye muttered and looked at FP. "Take your woman and go talk to your love nest," he added with a sneer, and FP rolled his eyes.
"Thank you, Hog Eye for the phone, but you could give yourself that comment." FP corrected his serpent jacket and looked at me. Without a word, he pointed to the door of his office, and I swallowed.
I joined my hands together and obediently went to the room indicated by FP. I felt his presence behind me, but I was afraid of turn away and also I was too depressed and tired of hiding my emotions.
"Sit on the couch," he said sharply as we entered the room. I nodded and sat on the couch, looking at FP and what she was doing. He locked the door and sighed heavily.
"FP" I looked at him sadly, and a single tear flowed down my cheek.
"It is very stupid of you to first brazenly wake up a tired man and then hang up without a word." He pointed at me with his index finger and he came to me. He knelt down in front of me and looked into my eyes.
"I said I'm sorry," I replied and shrugged my shoulders. FP grabbed my hands and I closed my eyes.
"You're lucky that Hog Eye called me when he noticed your car in the parking lot. Do you know how scared I was?"
"Really?" I asked, and he nodded.
"Really" he answered, and I smiled sadly.
"I have to tell you something." I started and began to stroke his hand. "I found a small lump in my left breast, so I did health surveillance and then went to my doctor." my voice broke down, so I stopped talking for a moment.
"And what?" FP touched my hands more tightly, and my heart felt heavy because of how hopeless I was.
I was stressed about how FP would react to this message. I was afraid of a phone call from the doctor with the deadline for additional tests. I didn't want to go home because I knew I wouldn't be able to hide the truth from Betty.
"Something in the results didn't suit the doctor." I said after a long moment. "I spent a lot of time there, but I didn't remember anything about this appointment, I only remembered that..." I couldn't stand it and I started to cry. I put my face in my hands and shook my head when FP took over.
"What did you remember?"
"FP ... FP I can have breast cancer," I finally said my secret and I cried for good. The embrace of the FP strengthened around my waist, and I wound my hands in his hair and pulled him close to me.
I felt his body shake. At first I didn't know why, but then I realized that FP was crying. He cried because of me. He cried because of what I told him.
"I won't let you down, Al," he whispered in my ear as he calmed down a little. "We will survive it together. As always," he added, and I nodded.
"Keep it in secret for now, okay?" I asked quietly and moved my head away from him so that I could look into his eyes.
"Why, Alice?" he asked, and I stroked his cheek.
"I don't want people to look at me with pity. I want everything to be like nothing happened" I smiled sadly, and he took my hand in his.
"Alice, I don't know if I can do it." he pulled my hands close to his lips and kissed gently.
"Do it. Do it for me" I asked quietly and kissed him gently on the lips.
FP sat down next to me on the couch and took me in his arms. I put my head in the crook of his neck and put his hands on his chest. One of his hands embraced me in the waist, and the other grabbed my thigh and pulled me closer to him.
"Let's relax, for a moment" he whispered in my ear and kissed my earlobe, so I shuddered. I closed my eyes for a moment, turned off my mind and relaxed with the touch of FP.
After a short while FP lay down with me on the couch and began to stroke my hair. It was so nice to me so I didn't even realize when I fell asleep.
I woke up a few minutes later and sighed quietly. I still lay in FP's arms, this time we were covered with a blanket.
"Hello, sleeping beauty" he kissed me on the forehead, and I blushed. I looked up and looked into his eyes.
"Hello, my prince," I answered sharply and stroked his cheek. "How long did I sleep?"
"About thirty minutes"
"I didn't even know when I fell asleep," I sighed and sat on the couch.
I looked at FP, who reached into the pocket of my coat. He pulled out a card with my list of things to do. Instinctively, I wanted to take it from him, but he wouldn't let me.
"Shopping list" I said and finally took a piece of paper from him.
"No," he answered quietly and took the piece of paper again. "It's not a shopping list" he unfolded it and looked at the title. "10 things I want to do before I die," he read, and I burned with a blush.
"FP, please, don't read it," I asked quietly, but he nodded. I hoped he wouldn't reach the tenth point of the list.
"One. Tell FP the truth about my diagnosis," he read and smiled slightly. After a moment, he folded the card again and put it in my bra. "Every day, when you are completing a task from the list, you have to call me and tell me what you intend to do."
"Why?"
"Since my name is at the first point of this list, it means that my name will also be at the last point of the list," he replied, and I swallowed.
"Why do you think so?"
"It's easy Alice, you started with me and you're going to end with me," he said, and I smiled weakly.
"It sounded pessimistic," I patted him on the cheek, and he rolled his eyes.
"Save the best for last. That's how it should sound," he said seriously, and I shook my head.
"You mean we should be endgame?" I joked uncertainly, and he took my face in his hands and pulled me to him.
"We should definitely be endgame, and we will be endgame" he stroked my cheek.
"I believe in your words." I said quietly and hesitantly. I took his one hand in mine. I joined our fingers together and looked FP in the eye. "I believe you, Jonesy"
"I want nothing more than your happiness, Alice," he asked and kissed me on the forehead.
"Thank you for being here," I said and hugged him.
"You can check the first point on your list, Alice"
"I'll check it. Later," I murmured and kissed him on the lips. After a moment, he gave the kiss, and then things went on their own.