I just want him to say something.
I wrung my hands nervously, hoping for some sort of reaction from Kaito. I was somewhat relieved, now that I had told him, but waiting for his response was nerve-racking.
"Gumi," he exhaled. "I'm sorry."
I blinked. Was that a no?
"I can't," he continued, shaking his head.
That was it. He said that and that was it.
"W-Wh..." I stuttered, wringing my hands even more.
"I can't," he repeated.
"Why not?" I found myself demanding more than simply asking. Kaito's response surprised me.
He sighed, raking a hand through his hair. "It's...Len never told you, did he? I guess he and I both failed to realize that you felt this way."
"What're you talking about?" I cried out. "A-All these girls, the other day, they were telling me about how they confessed their feelings to you and you...you turned them down but you never told them why!"
"I'm seeing someone else," he answered quickly. "I'm only telling you because of who you are relative to Len."
"What's that supposed to mean?"
Kaito opened his mouth and then stopped. Then he parted his lips again.
"It was supposed to be a secret," he said. "Nobody was supposed to know that I was already in a relationship. Can...Can we head up?"
I nodded, feeling ashamed for holding him back and being childish and emotional. We started up the stairs. I walked alongside him.
"Why would you want to keep that a secret?" I asked quietly. "Wouldn't the girls leave you alone if they knew?"
"They wouldn't," he answered. "But that's not the point. The point is, I can't be in a relationship with you, Gumi. Not like that."
"The way you say it sounds so rehearsed," I mumbled.
"I've said 'no' a lot," he replied.
I bit my lip, stumbling up the stairs. I wasn't feeling that same breathlessness that I used to feel around him, but my chest ached. I wanted to cry. I was so stupid, not paying any attention to what those girls had said, or what Len had said.
Len...Len knew that Kaito was already with someone?
"It hurts," I whispered without thinking.
"I'm sorry," he replied.
We reached the top of the stairs. He looked at me. I looked at him. His face was almost expressionless, but there was a hint of sadness in his eyes, like he didn't want me to be hurt.
I watched as he shifted his weight forward and slowly raised his right arm, putting his hand on my shoulder. The action made heat surge through me while also letting tears fall from my eyes. I kept looking at Kaito.
It shouldn't have been a secret. If I had known that he already had someone, I never would've fallen for him in first place!
...Right?
'You can't force feelings.'
Would I have fallen for him, anyway?
"Kaito..." I started to cry. "I shouldn't have told you."
"Don't regret anything, okay?" He said suddenly. "Now we both know, right?"
I nodded. He smiled sadly and pulled his hand back.
"Don't cry, Gumi," he said. "I should get going. Bye."
I wiped my tears away. He reached into his bag and pulled out a packet of tissues, handing one to me. I took it and he shuffled his feet before waving and walking away.
"Bye..." I watched as he walked away, towards a lineup of subway-goers who were being loaded onto buses.
All this time, was I nothing more than a friend? All the talks we had, the time we spent together, how much I comforted him...did he just think of me as his friend?
I shook the thoughts out of my head. People walked by me, glancing at my tear-stained face. I wondered if this was how hurt Len had felt.
No, it was probably worse than what I'm feeling.
I came home, dazed and tired. I had stopped crying in the bus and when I got home, my mom was asleep, so I went straight up to my room and sat in silence. Absentmindedly, I examined my fingers and nails, thinking about what had just happened.
Kaito had said no. He was already dating someone. I glanced at my phone. It was lying beside me. Quickly, I snatched it up and texted Len, getting straight to the point.
Gumi: who's Kaito seeing?
I got a response almost immediately.
Len: what?
And I replied back just as fast.
Gumi: answer the question! You never told me he was in a relationship.
Len: you never asked.
Gumi: I shouldn't have to ask!
Len: you said you weren't into Kaito. You lied, didn't you?
Gumi: answer me!
He didn't reply. I stared at my screen, waiting for a message of some sort. The phone rang suddenly, jolting me. Len was calling. I picked it up.
"Gumi, what's going on?" He asked. "Who told you Kaito was in a relationship?"
"He did!"
"You told me you didn't like him!"
"I'm sorry!" I yelled into the phone. "I couldn't help it!"
"Of course you couldn't, but...you could've told me, dammit!"
"No, I couldn't have!"
"It's not your fault for feeling that way," Len sighed. I could just about picture him with his head resting in his hands. "I just wish you would've told me."
"I'm sorry," I said again.
"Whatever, it...it's fine, I guess," Len mumbled. "Kaito's been in a relationship for a year now. He's dating Rin."
I swallowed my spit and nodded, even though Len couldn't see me. "Okay," I whispered.
"That probably explains a lot, huh?" Len asked slowly.
"Yeah, I guess," I said, twitching as my phone started vibrating suddenly, again and again. "Ugh..."
"What's wrong?"
"I don't know, someone's spamming me with texts," I mumbled, refocusing on the conversation with Len. "But I understand now, Len."
"I don't want Kaito falling for another girl because that will hurt Rin," he said. "Which is why I don't like it when your friends and other girls swoon at the sight of him and try to flirt with him. I wanted you to stay away from him because I liked you, but after that, too, because I didn't want his rejection to hurt you."
"I wish I knew," I said. "Why did you and Kaito keep it a secret?"
"Come on, Gumi, do you really think it would've been a good idea if this circulated throughout the school? That my sister is dating the entire female population's heartthrob? She'd get threats and stuff."
"Isn't that taking it a bit too far?"
"I didn't want to take any chances," Len said. "Besides, the secret's out now. Just watch, nobody's going to stop chasing Kaito just because he's already with someone. They're going to try and win him over. I don't want Rin to be hurt, you know that."
"You're right," I said. "If I knew, I wouldn't have told Kaito how I felt..."
"That's not true," Len said suddenly. "Feelings don't just stop."
I sighed and fell back on my bed. "I'm going to try and make them stop."
"If I knew you liked Kaito, I would've told you earlier. You kept denying it. You kept telling me you didn't like him."
"We've both made mistakes," I said.
"You're right," he was quiet after saying this.
"I think I'm going to take a nap," I said, trying to break the silence.
"That sounds like a good idea," he said. "It'll help take your mind off of this. I'm sorry for what happened."
"It hurts, Len," I said.
"I know it hurts," he said. "I'm going to plan something with Miku and you for next week, and we're going to do something together, okay? That'll help cheer you up."
"I guess," I said. "Bye."
He hung up and I closed my eyes, fighting my tears as they started to form again. I buried my face in my pillow and cried softly. I thought about Len and how I had hurt him. He seemed better off with Miku now. I was hurt, too, by Kaito's response, but he had been so polite about it.
I figured that Kaito was probably a completely different person around Rin. He probably opened himself up completely. He probably spoke more, laughed more, smiled more. They probably held hands and hugged and teased each other.
Who was I to Kaito all this time? Just a friend? He never realized how much I loved him. Clearly, my love wasn't apparent enough.
He and Rin will probably spend the summer together. He'll console and comfort her as her father prepares to move out. They'll go on dates, like they've probably been doing for so many months. I bet Rin keeps him smiling and I'm sure he does the same for her.
I cried harder. My mind formed images of them kissing, sharing coffees, watching movies together...
I'm breaking...stop hurting! Stop crying, Gumi, stop...he's just a boy! There are so many boys, so many boys! Why does...why does this one matter as much as he does?!
After I told him, I felt so relieved. Now, it hurt so much. I wanted to scream, and so I did. I wailed into my pillow and continued to cry. I couldn't stop thinking about him.
Bzzz...bzzz...bzzz...bzzz...
"Shut the hell up!" I yelled, grabbing my violently vibrating phone. I glared at the screen with wet eyes.
23 new messages.
Bzzz!
24 new messages.
I blinked and unlocked my phone, heading right to my messages.
Unknown number: 25 new messages
"What the..." I furrowed my brow and tapped the unknown contact, starting to read through the messages one by one.
Unknown: *screams*
Unknown: *screams again*
Unknown: *screams once more*
Unknown: a girl!
Unknown: it's a girl!
Unknown: OH MY GOD
Unknown: OH. MY. GOD!!
Unknown: A GURL IT'S A GIRL ASDFGJDKMSJMKS
Unknown: I NEED PICS
Unknown: DYING FOR GIRL PICS
Unknown: *sings* pics pics pics
Unknown: oh my gosh! I just realized!
Unknown: maybe you're HER... XD hahaha I know better
Unknown: seriously it feels like I'm talking to myself
Unknown: hello?
Unknown: *echoes* hello? Hello...? Hello...
Unknown: *sings* there are no pineapples under the sea
Unknown: but there are mermaids, could you grab one for me?
Unknown: aren't I the greatest poet?
Unknown: so, um.
Unknown: are you hot?
Unknown: I mean, it's SUMMER!!
Unknown: haha you dirty girl, probably thought I was asking if YOU were hot.
Unknown: that's not a matter to question, dear. All females are hot.
Unknown: *facepalm* I SWEAR IT WASN'T SUPPOSED TO BE THIS CREEPY JULIET I SWEAR
"Geez, is this person going to keep spamming me?" I mumbled, scrambling to type up a reply and break their chain of spam.
Gumi: um...
Unknown: oh, she speaks.
Gumi: who are you?
Unknown: a voice? Well, more like a bunch of words, really.
Unknown: ooh, I know who I am! I am mad scientist! Catch my drift? Huh? Huh?
Gumi: please stop spamming me.
Unknown: but it's so much fun!
Gumi: how did you know I was a girl?
There was a pause. I didn't get a reply as quickly as before. I stared at the screen intently, waiting for the stranger's reply.
Unknown: do you really want to know?
Gumi: do you know me? And yes, I want to know.
Unknown: nah, I don't know you. Unless you call this knowing.
Gumi: spill it, creep. How'd you know?
Unknown: *hand flutters to heart* she calls me a creep. That hurts...well, lovely, there was a fifty percent chance of you being a female. The odds couldn't have been any better than that. Now I know I'm right.
Gumi: that's the longest message you've typed yet.
Unknown: and this is the last you'll see for today. Goodbye~
Gumi: wait.
There wasn't a reply. I pursed my lips and typed another message.
Gumi: I can see you read my message.
Gumi: there. You read that one, too.
Gumi: what is it you want?
Unknown: a friend.
Your questions will be answered in due time.