Thirty Six: Tyler Osmond
IT was just a kiss. Kiss in its simplest form—just two lips against each other. Not even moving. Innocently touching.
And I could already feel the old Tyler laughing at me now, mocking me nonstop at what I was doing.
Naiimagine ko na nga ang mga salitang bibitawan niya sa akin ngayon.
You don't kiss like that, Tyler.
When did you have been such a lousy kisser?
You can do better than that.
At itinaboy ko ang boses na iyon, hindi na hinayaang bumalik pa.
Dahan-dahan na akong lumayo kay Vanessa. Saka tumitig sa gulat pa rin niyang mukha ngayon.
"You can hit me now," pauna kong sabi, nakatitig pa rin sa mga mata niya. "And you must be feeling hitting me more with this but...I'm still going to say I'm not sorry I did that."
Vanessa bit her lip at that and it took all my willpower not to close our distance and captured those lips. And this time, I'd make sure no any kind of voice from the back of my mind will mock me again.
But thanks to my restraint, I didn't do that. Lalo pa't hindi iyon ang dapat mangyari. There's still a lot of things I wanted to tell Vanessa.
And I was going to start now.
"I like you, Vanessa," amin ko na. "Actually, it must be deeper than that. I couldn't even name this feeling but it's the first time I ever felt this way. I just know that I care about you so much. And I don't want any other guy to be near you. Like I feel my heart's being torned into pieces. Like you with them? It's never right. And maybe this is a crazy thinking, but I always feel like you should always be with me. And only me. No one else's."
I stopped for a moment and waited for her reaction. Pero nanatiling walang imik si Vanessa. Basta lang nakatitig sa akin. Then she blinked. Once, twice, thrice. Then she swallowed, taking a step back, giving us more space.
And my heart started to panic. Was that rejection?
Vanessa opened her lips. At first there was no words that came out before she cleared her throat and tried it again.
"Can I have a drink first?" tanong niya sabay hagod ng kamay sa gitna ng leeg. "Parang natuyuan ako ng lalamunan."
I blew out a sigh of relief. Hindi pa naman ako narereject, 'di ba?
Tumango ako sa kanya saka gumilid, binigyan siya ng daan. Inalis naman niya ang tingin sa akin at doon dumiretso sa may fridge.
Pinanood ko siyang kinuha iyong jar ng tubig doon hanggang sa nagsalin sa baso. At nang iinom na siya'y sadya kong iniwas ang tingin. I needed my mind in its rational state.
And I've been proven once that watching Vanessa drink something was enough to put it in a whirl.
I know, I know. I sounded like a weakling right now. But I just didn't care. After sorting my feelings out, I knew I just to be honest from now on especially about how I feel. How I feel about her.
At nakaiwas pa rin ang mga mata nang marinig kong may tumikhim malapit sa akin.
Napunta doon ang mata ko't nakitang naroon na si Vanessa.
Tiningnan niya muna ako nang matagal bago huminga ng malalim at saka nagsimula nang magsalita. "You're saying that you like me? And what? You just came up with that overnight?"
Agad akong umiling, saka nagpaliwanag. "No, I've been feeling this way much earlier than that. I just didn't welcome the feeling fully. Hindi ko masyadong inintindi because I was afraid. This is all new to me and it really scare the hell out of me," amin ko saka muling humugot ng hininga. "Then yesterday, I already kind of asked for help."
Kumunot ang noo niya. "What do you mean?"
I took a deep breath, remembering what happened last night after the talk that we had on the rooftop.
Hinayaan kong mahulog ang katawan ko sa kama. Past eleven na pero hindi pa rin ako makaramdam ng pagod o antok.
My heart, it kept beating fast. My mind, felt like it had been energized. My body, it was fully alive.
Everything that happened earlier when I was with her still plays vividly in my mind. It still felt like I was still holding her, I could still hear the song playing.
Napapikit ako, hindi na gumawa ng anupaman para pigilin o iwasan ang kasalukuyang nadarama. I just let it flow easily this time. And even this still felt strange because it was the first time I've ever felt this way, this also felt natural. Na para bang ito ang dapat na laman ng puso ko ngayon.
And this damn feeling was too strong. Too strong not to let me sleep tonight. Napailing ako, may ngiting sumilay sa labi saka binuksan ang mga mata.
I stared at the white ceiling, my heart still felt like it wanted to burst. And I knew I had to settle this now. Hindi ko na magagawa pa ang maghintay ng susunod na pagkakataon.
I reached for my phone and looked for that one number I knew who can help me right now and dialed it.
Matagal na puro pagring lang ang naririnig ko hanggang sa magsalita na iyong voice operator. And I thought if this was not the best time to do this. Sobrang late na ba? Tulog na kaya siya?
I tried again. At kung ngayon ay wala pang sagot ay hindi ko alam ang gagawin. Wala na akong ibang alam na maaring makatulong sa akin tungkol dito.
And when I thought it would go to operator once more, I finally heard the voice I was waiting for. "What's up?"
Napangiti ako sa tunog ng boses niya. It sounded somehow irritated. "Did I wake you up or did I disturb you with something?" Walang sumagot sa kabilang linya. So, I went on. "Okay lang naman sigurong hiramin muna kita kay CN diba?"
Slade made a chuckling sound. "She's already sleeping." Then his tone changed instantly. "And I am about to lay next to her but you freaking called."
"Sorry na," agad kong sabi. "Saka hindi naman mawawala si CN kung hindi mo matatabihan agad. Kailangan ko lang talaga ng tulong mo ngayon, Slade."
"So, what's up? Don't tell me you get someone pregnant."
A sordid laugh escaped my lips as I shook my head at that. At iyon talaga ang naisip ng lokong 'to.
"Don't worry medyo naging idol kita kaya't imposibleng makabuntis ako," balik ko sa kanya.
He snorted at that and I forced myself not to laugh. Ever since he kind of slipped that he stopped getting some bed action, I started joking about it.
And as always, he answered, "You know relationships aren't always about getting physical. There's a right time for that."
I smiled at that, heaving a sigh. "Noted po, St. Slade."
"Shut up!" came his retort. "And I thought kailangan mo ng tulong ko? Nagagawa mo pang mang-asar dyan."
"Sorry na. Ito na nga," another sigh from me again. "But first, promise me, you won't judge me."
"Okay."
"Say promise first."
Slade grunted. "Okay, promise. What is it?"
I sighed for the nth time then asked, "How did you know that CN is the one for you?"
Napatigil ako para humugot ng hininga saka nagpatuloy. "What made you pursue her? What made you decide to be serious about her?"
Akala ko'y kakantyawan ako ni Slade pero tahimik pa rin ang kabilang linya. Pero hinanda ko na rin ang sarili kung sakali mang magtatanong siya.
But then when he finally talked, he actually answered my question. Without asking why I'm asking those kind of things.
"I've liked her sooner than I expected. Actually, parang noong una ko pa nga lang siyang makita, nakuha niya na ang atensyon ko. Then you already know how that like grew into something more and deep. But to be honest, I almost give up on my love for her. Remember when she rejected me the first time I proposed? Kamuntik na akong sumuko n'on. Come to think of it, parang sumuko na talaga ako dahil sa sakit na naramdaman ko.
"But then, when she was gone, with the space between us, doon ko narealize na hindi ko kayang mabuhay nang wala siya sa buhay ko. I just know that time that she was meant to be in my life. That we were meant to be together. So I pursued her. And you know the rest of the story."
I nodded though he couldn't see me. Saka nagsalita na rin. "Yeah. I'm aware of the rest." A beat. "So, nung nagkaroon kayo ng distance? That's it?"
"Yeah," Slade confirmed. "It's always as they say I guess. That in distance, you'll have time to figure things out."
Inulit ko ang mga huling sinabi niya sa isipan. Saka ako napabutong-hininga, iniisip na kung anong gagawin.
Then Slade decided to interrupt my musings then. "So, who's the unlucky girl?"
Hindi ko na napigil pa ang nag-iisang tawang lumabas mula sa bibig. "Unlucky talaga? And why did you assume that it's for me?"
He huffed. "You said you need help."
"I could be asking help for someone else."
"I know you, Tyler," he countered. "So, sino na nga?"
Huminga muna ako nang malalim bago sumagot. "Vanessa Arquilla."
And I didn't know why I felt mixed of feelings mentioning her name.
"Good luck with Miles," sagot ni Slade na may halong tawa.
Napailing na lang ako.
"But let me tell you that I'm really happy for you, man," sunod na sabi ni Slade. "But promise me one thing?"
"What?"
"When you already figure if it's her the one for you, do everything not to lose her."
Napangiti ako saka sumagot na rin. "I will. And don't worry, I'm planning on doing that already. Kahit hindi mo pa sabihin."
"Okay then. Good luck with figuring things out."
"Kaya hindi ka nagparamdam at sumipot dahil doon?" iyan ang unang sinabi ni Vanessa matapos kong magpaliwanag kung anong nangyari. "Because Kuya Slade mentioned about distance?"
Tumango ako. "And it really helped. Nakapag-isip ako. I'm so sorry for standing you up but I had just to do it."
"And where were you when you're having that distance?" sunod na tanong ni Vanessa. By her tone, she seemed implying something. Ang hindi ko lang matukoy ay kung ano.
And I wanted to tell her she didn't have to doubt me. Kasi, iyong totoo lang naman ang sasabihin ko sa kanya.
"I went to the Golden Lives," sagot ko sa kanya.
"Buong maghapon?" muli niyang tanong.
Napangiti ako. She was really implying something.
"Yes," I answered, still smiling. "Naki-bond lang ako sa mga matatanda doon. Listened to their stories. But most of my time was spent watching them. And want to hear something amusing?"
Hindi nagsalita si Vanessa. Tiningnan niya lang ako pero sapat na ang pag-aabang na naaninag ko sa mata niya para magpatuloy ako.
"As I watched them, I don't know why this image flashed on my mind," I took a pause to take a breath. "It's me when I'm already old and I'm with you."
Napakurap si Vanessa at kita ko ang paglunok niya. She's surprised. And I couldn't blame her. Ako rin, nasusurpresa sa sarili ko.
I smiled at her now. "I know, I was caught off guard that I thought that way. But know what? That seemed like the answer I was waiting. Yes, I missed your presence when you were not with me. But how can I know if I'll never get past that feeling? It's just a day. Paano kapag napagod na rin akong mamiss ka?
"And when that image appeared inside my head, you know what I felt? It's peace. It's like even we're not together physically at the moment, but the thought of being with you, that we will be with together eventually, makes the peace settles inside my heart."
Patuloy lang na nakatingin sa akin si Vanessa. Ngayon, hindi ko na talaga alam kung anong tumatakbo sa isipan niya ngayon.
But I wanted to know. Gustong-gusto ko talagang malaman. So, I took a chance and raised the question I've been wanting to ask her. "So, what do you say? Will you give me a chance?"
Matagal pa akong tinitigan ni Vanessa bago umiwas ang tingin niya't sumagot. "I don't know, Tyler. I really don't know what to tell you right now."
I inhaled deeply and blew it out. Sure, I was a bit disappointed of that. Pero hindi ko naman siya masisisi sa sagot niyang iyon.
That was why I needed to prove myself, my feelings for her.
Lumapit ako sa kanya at inabot ng kamay kanyang baba, marahang inangat ang kanyang mukha hanggang sa magtagpong muli ang aming mga mata.
"Just answer this," I told her. "Wala ka na ba talagang nararamdaman para sa akin? Kahit katiting?"
She stared at me for a moment before responding, "You already know the answer to that."
That made me smile. That was right. Her eyes were really vulnerable right now. I nodded. "I know you're afraid right now. And I remember what you told me before...to not start something I don't intend to finish. To not lead you on. But I've never been this sure in my whole life, Vanessa. I really feel something deep for you. And I want to prove it to you. This is something I don't only intend but will surely finish. And I'm not leading you on right now. This is actually how I feel."
Hindi pa rin sumagot si Vanessa. Pero ang unti-unting paglaho ng takot sa mga mata niya ay sapat na sa akin. Matiim ko siyang tiningnan. "And I will start to prove it to you now. So, better prepare yourself, because I can be very persistent."