It's been a rocky eight months and I'm still in it. Thanks to babyboy my hair has grown super long and flourish into curly strands of what looks like waves. This pregnancy has open my eyes to a whole new direct on what journey I should take. I've grown a bond already with him that I know will stay for a lifetime I just can't wait until this month is over so now we could just countdown the days he decides to surprise us with his presence. I've been working with a therapist to help me with the weird dreams I've been having since my stomach got bigger.
It all starts the same me in a bright white place and Keith walking and coming closer to me to where I couldn't touch him and I instantly start to cry. Because it feels so real and I know it's not. It's gotten better but I still have those moments of weakness that I need to talk to therapist about. Me and Armani has became very close friends in such a short time which is good since I felt like I lost contact with all my friends due to them being Keith's friends as well. You could basically call us besties. Today I was gonna see Keith at his gravesite just to lift things off my chest.
My therapist says it could help with the dreams all I need is some real closure. So I packed me a lunch and some snacks in a picnic basket with a blanket and decided to have some alone time with our son and him. Getting closer and closer to the burial site I felt this nervousness in the pit of my stomach. I was scared scratch that, I was terrified. I made the short trip paying my respects to the different tombstones as I go alone the path looking for his.
I inhaled a sharp breath letting out a shaky one. It was hard to see his name being written on a headstone. Shit it was hard for me to get out of bed knowing I was coming here today. But I wouldn't have this little human in my belly if it wasn't for him so...
I sat the basket down pulling out the blanket setting it on the grass before taking a seat in front of the monument. It was weird and an out of my skin experience to just sit here and think this was normal. I don't think anyone could think this was a normal thing to do especially for the anniversary or birthday. The wind blew through my hair like Pocahontas and the colors of the wind. I played with my fingers just staring at the writing on the stone.
Keith T. Powers
August 22, 1992 - September 19, 2018
Beloved friend, brother, and lover
Rest in Paradise 🕊
"I can't believe your gone Keith." I cried into my hands not caring I was crying hysterically.
"I really been trying to be okay for the sake of the baby but I can't do it anymore." I sniffled wiping the few tears.
I felt this huge gust of wind almost knocking me in the direction it was blowing. It blew the rest of my tears away and I was just left there stuck and confused. Confused if he heard me or was it just a coincidence. The wind was so powerful it knocked over my purse and the pictures of the ultrasound flew out on the grass next to his tombstone. I beamed seeing the pictures I brought. They were every doctor appointment I've been to up to this day that shows how far long our baby has grown.
"I'm sorry I didn't get to tell you I'm pregnant. I feel like you would've been super happy to be a dad." I sniffed placing the very first ultrasound against his grave. I got the earlier ones thanks to Armani since I wasn't awake to see them.
"We shouldn't have fought, it was stupid really it was, we should've handled it like adults instead I lashed out and I'm sorry. It's just, when you hushed me I felt like I was a kid again feeling invisible to the world and everything I said was like a whisper in the wind to people."
I stopped talking for a few minutes grabbing the snacks, drinks, and food I brought.
"You don't know how badly I want for you to feel him he's such a hyper baby I think he gets it from you cause I'm chill as hell." I cackled before taking a bite out of my sandwich.
"He keeps ya girl up all night with the kicking and now it's getting more and more unbearable. It's getting tighter but I talked to my mid wife and she said it's just the baby telling me he's coming soon." I proudly rubbed my stomach.
Every once in awhile when I would finish saying something the wind would blow in a way that made me think it was just Keith responding to me. I felt connected to him in a way I never thought. After I finish eating my food I laid my head back looking up at the clouds. I couldn't look past the huge hill of a growing human but it was all good 😂.
Once it started to get dark I packed up not before saying "I love you and I love you little one." I smiled poking at belly button.
I looked at his tomb one more time before walking away with a smile on my face. It didn't feel like I was saying goodbye it was like I was just saying see you later. After today I felt confident in going into motherhood without Keith, even though I know it'll be hard I have family to support my back. I drove home took a shower and got in bed not long after I went straight to sleep.
"babygirl."
I jumped out my sleep with a creeped look on my face. The sound of Keith's voice ringed through my ears.
I looked and watched as the door cracked opened and revealed something that I never thought I'll see again. I ran into the arms of Keith and cried happy tears. His arms wrapped around me tight only solidifying what I thought was happening. He still had on the clothes he had when he left out the house and it felt like nothing happened.
"Can't believe it's you." I pulled away from the hug getting a good look of him before diving in for another one.
"Why wouldn't it be me Y/n?"
"Y-You died Keith, died and I didn't get to tell you goodbye."
"But you did, I saw you at my grave, your stomach gotten so big." He places his hand on my stomach kneeling down putting his ear to it. I was let down when I heard him say that. I truly wished this was all just some twisted dream and he was in my bed like nothing happened but it wasn't true.
"Don't cry Y/n I'm okay really I'm fine and I'm happy." He flashed me a smile and I gave him a reassuring smile back.
"So? How's junior?"
"He's good but he's not a junior." I laughed at his expression dropping.
"Aww why not?"
"Because I want his name to have meaning not because his father died in a car accident and I want him to be reminded of that."
"Touché." He winked going over to the bed and plopping on it.
"Well, what are the names? I'm not having you have my son walking around with some sissy ass name representing the Power last name." I laughed coming over sitting next to him. Instead he laid me down on my back and hovered over my belly before laying lightly on it rubbing it.
It felt so good to be in his arms even if it was just a dream. "I was thinking of Dominic or Caleb your mom likes Kyree." I rubbed up his back.
"Like the basketball player?"
"No like a mashup of your name and your middle name."
Keith kissed his teeth shaking his head. "That's so predictable though."
"You don't think I know that and I really don't wanna name him anything with a K. I just don't like the names."
"You like my name though. I actually remember you screaming it when we were conceiving junior." He smirk. I scoffed hitting his arm as he kiss the top of my stomach.
"Shut up." I blush.
Not two minutes later I let out a big yawn that stretched out my stomach bigger seeing Keith rise with it and slowly come back down.
"Mommy sounds tired huh Xavier?" He whispered.
"That's a cute name."
"Yeah it means bright cause we're gonna have a bright son."
"Gonna be the next Albert Einstein." I said getting drowsier and drowsier.
"Go to sleep babygirl stop fighting it."
"Will I see you again?"
"Sleeep Y/n." Keith insisted kissing my cheek and cuddling with me.
I woke up with cold sweat and started looking around the room. Keith wasn't here and I sighed. I wish he was though. I understood that this was his way of him saying goodbye and giving me clarity that's he's always gonna be here. I just can't wait until babyboy gets here.
I rubbed my belly feeling his little feet kick and stretch. "Hey Xavier." I decided to use the name Keith gave me. I know it sounds crazy when I explain to my mom but if they knew what I did, it'll make more sense.
I was making my way to the bathroom when I felt something drip down my leg. I was peeing on myself. I sighed seeing the mess I've created.
"Great I can't even hold my bladder for two minutes." I said before I felt this sharp pain pierced through me.
I held my stomach as I grunted and groan. "Oh no I'm having contractions. But is tooo earrlly!" I cried.
I tried moving to go get my mom but couldn't move it was like my feet were cement. I felt like I was stuck in time, I tried screaming for help but all that came out my mouth was whimpers and soft cries cause the contractions were getting bad.
I did the breathing methods that one of the doctors told me to do once its time and it wasn't working. A sharp contraction came bringing me to my knees clutching my belly as I finally let out a huge scream along with a couple tears.
My brother came drifting pass the door seeing me on the floor. He helped me up as much as he could calling for our mom telling her to get the emergency labor bag out the closet. King place me down on the bed going into my closet coming back out with a outfit for me to wear since I was basically naked.
"Okay sis Ima need for you to cooperate with me." He said before putting my shirt over my head but it was getting worst that I couldn't get up for him to put on my pants.
"Just let me wear this, I can't move or I might give birth to him right here." He complied and starting putting on my furry slides.
My mom came into the room with her purse on her shoulder and her phone and keys in one hand. She came over rubbing on my back feeling my forehead.
"I guess he wanted to come early." She rubbed on my stomach and I groan shaking my head for her not to touch. The last thing I wanted to do was curse her out due to this pain.
They both helped me down to the car and into the backseat with my mom and King backed out the driveway speeding down the street.
"Slow down Kingsley before you get the 12 on us!" Ma yelled.
King sucked his teeth continuing the same speed limit he was doing before. "If they do ma then they'll give us a pass and take us there with the sirens."
I continue to groan and cry as I gripped the leather seats so hard I know there was gonna be marks and scratches. I looked out the window at the sky crying harder for Keith more than anything. I just wanted him to tell me it was gonna be okay.
"I know baby I know." My mom said.
What felt like centuries to get to the hospital King pulled up to the front and my mom got out and went inside and came back out with nurses rolling a wheelchair. They opened the door and helped me into the chair before one of the nurses rolled me inside rushing me down the halls.
I had sweat dripping down my face as the same colored walls started closing in on me. We finally got into a room and firstly gave me epidural and I felt like I was on cloud nine after. I was able to take me a shower and put on the hospital gown they gave me. I met with my doctor and she said that I was only 6 cm so that means I was in the active labor phase.
Scrolling through Instagram to make the time go by fast the family slowly started to arrive. Soon after Armani came with a bouquet of blue roses and a goodie basket which I'm surely gonna destroy once Xavier comes.
"I'm so glad you're here Mani." I gave her a side hug.
"You know I wouldn't miss lil man being born for the world." I decided a long time ago to have Xavier here just because it holds allot of memories that aren't so nice but I like places with history anyways. Armani talked with her staff and they allowed her to take off work once she heard the news.
"You know I was thinking, since the incident that happened a few months back you've been nothing but a great friend. Holding my hand, being a shoulder to cry on when I was still in mourning of Keith and I thank you. And as my appreciation towards your kindness how would you like it if you were the god mother to Xavier?"
She gasped clutching her pearls. "I would be so honored Y/n."
Just as I was about to say something the midwife knocked on the door bringing every-bodies attention on her. She then came over to me smiling.
"Hey how are you feeling?"
"I'm feeling fine just ready for this to be all over."
"Do you know what your gonna name him?"
"Yes I was thinking of Xavier. I feel like Keith would've wanted me to name him that." I smiled mentioning him.
"That's a beautiful name. Well I'm gonna leave but gonna come back whenever the doctor says its time to push, let this be the time to enjoy it with friends."
"Thank you." I waved as she left.
The Doc came in and informed us that it was time to push. The family decided to go get some breakfast and leave my mom and brother here to be by my side. I let out a shaky breath as is started to get butterflies in my stomach. I was getting nervous, I've read magazines about how it feels like someones ripping open you vagina and it feels like you're burning. I knew it was gonna be pain but now that's we're here I'm good luv, enjoy.
(I'll spare the details for someone who's had a child lol)
No feeling in the world was greater than this. At that exact moment, when I seen my child take his first breath of air and let out his first cry, I only had eyes for him. All my fear, nerves and stress subside. The relief that I felt when Xavier was born is out of this world. Suddenly, I had relaxed and let that indescribable mix of surprise, disbelief and happiness flood over me. And when they laid him on my chest and I got to hold him for the first time I fell in love quicker than I ever did.
First they cleaned him off pumping air into his lungs so he could breath properly and the midwife then announced, "A beautiful baby boy, 8 pounds! Everything's ok." These short but sweet words unleash a flood of emotion. My mom cheered as I even seen King tear up a bit. Everyone was here to welcome the new member of the family.
The doctor and nurses left once giving him a bath and handing him over to me. Everyone was holding their breaths as they seen him squirm and yawn in my arms. We was all in a trace at how much he look like his daddy. Even though he came early the doctor said that he came just in time for his little entrance. Overtime, the family started to leave but not before giving me their prayers and congrats. I took off the sleeves of the gown so that way Xavier and I could have skin to skin contact. It was true about that baby smell, so innocent and pure is something that you don't often get to smell in this world.
I decided on breastfeeding him just like my mom did for me and King and just like my grandma did for my mom, just to keep the tradition going. As he feed I took the time to appreciate what god gave me. He's God's child before mines all he did was use my body as the vessel and user for his creation. He picked me to take care of his child and raise him and when all is said and done and I see the product of what I raise, I'll come before God and say, "I've done my mission Lord now its up to your and Xavier now." To know that when I look at him I just wanna give up my own life to save his says something. Many women don't get to feel this and I'm just very lucky that at the end of everything that this was all worth it.
Having a baby is a relentless clash of emotions. The joy of birth and the pain go hand in hand. I grabbed his little hand and he gripped my finger. I smiled, "Xavier Mehki Powers." I wouldn't trade this feeling for the world.
2 Month later..
"Aww my Xavier growing up so fast." I talked to him in my baby voice as I put his attire on for the day. He's already two months and looking like Keith day by day. I just start to notice he's getting freckles and a dimple and I already know I'm gonna have to keep my shottie around cause these fast lil girls are gonna be a trip.
He was making his little baby noise while playing with his thumb. I put on his little beanie and grabbed him. I rocked him slowly as I took a picture in the bathroom mirror and posted it to Instagram.
iamY/n Xavier just turned two months today😢where has the time gone😞
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woody_thegreat Aww look at little man, look just like his pops🙏🏾😩
daddy.appreciation Keith Jr.😍
wolfjames 🌞🕊
kaylanpowers I know his daddy smiling from the heavens🤩
avionce Come take him over to glam-ma house so I could give him some sugar😙❤️
I liked as many comments as I could before Xavier starting to wine from him being hungry. I set down my phone on the counter fixing his already made bottle for him making sure it was warm enough. I then feed him while putting him on his pillow so that way his head could be supported. After I feed and burped him I laid him down in his rocker and he shortly when to sleep. This gave me enough time to do some chores around the house. I cleaned and swept the floors while having my music playing from the stereos.
I finished just in time to hear Xavier soft cries meaning he needs to be changed. I took him to his nursery and laid him out on the changer. Xavier goes through at least two to three outfits a day just because I received so much clothes from the baby shower and me doing some personal shopping on my own, I wanna at least make sure before he gets too big for them that he wore a majority amount of them.
"You wanna go over to Auntie Mani today?" I ask him as I put him in another outfit.
My favorite thing to do is brush his hair. I get this sudden relaxation from brushing and rubbing through his little hair and it makes him relax and fall asleep at night.
"Lets go over to your god mommas house." I grabbed his diaper bag packing it with diapers his blanket and empty bottles and filled bottles of milk. I put it over my shoulders getting my stroller and placing Xavier in it.
I locked up the house and put him in his carseat that is apart of the stroller, so its basically two in one. Best purchase ever.
"You look so handsome baby you making mommy jealous." I looked back in the rearview mirror watching him look up at the toys curiously hanging from the carseat.
Once we got there I placed him in the stroller once again ringing the doorbell to her home. She opened the door with a big smile giving me a big hug allowing me to come in.
"I don't think there's any other word to describe him other than aww." Armani said taking him out his stroller and sitting him on her lap.
"Hi Ky Ky! Hi baby." She exclaimed excitedly making faces at him using her nickname she gave him out of his middle name and he smiled big showing his soft dimples.
"Oh you so big Ky yes you are! Yes you are!"
"I think he likes you more than me and I'm the one who gave birth to his mean ass."
She laughed. "I'm just the baby whisperer."
"Hell yea you are." I rubbed his hair before paying attention to what's on tv.
"All this damn hair boy you better share! Some females needs this."
"Leave my baby alone he don't needa do nothing."
"Girl ain't nobody stunnin' you." She shushed me as she kept playing with Xavier.
Being a single mom isn't always difficult but it shown me that women do rule the world and my mom wasn't kidding when she said she had to work a 9-5 shift. Even though I'm still in school I have my mom or my brother when they can to watch Xavier. And when their either unavailable or working I go to the walking living source that took care of every-bodies kids back in the day, my grandmother. I've been getting back into the gym working on my come back body and enjoying the healthy life that I know Keith would've wanted.
It's been hard knowing he isn't around to see his son grow up. To see him smile for the first time was amazing and when he first opened his eyes I knew Keith would loved to seen it. But I know hes watching above and as long as I got family and Xavier by my side, this world isn't as cold as I once thought it was. I'm completely happy now. ❤️
When I first laid eyes on you
When I heard your heartbeat too
Oh I never knew, I could witness an angel so beautiful
From the very moment you arrived I felt something new inside
I developed a love that was so unconditional 🤱🏽👩👦