Marietta
After Marietta escaped from prison she went straight to the Governor's Mansion and asked for a full pardon, which the governor quickly agreed to. In part, he was swayed by Marietta's story of injustice and bravery... and also he didn't want her to cut his head off. With her newfound freedom, she decided to get into the fight, recruiting other middle-age woman warriors and teaching them how to wield a sword.
——————————
The press has been rather derisive about your all-woman anti-zombie force, calling it "The Cougar Company," and "The Militant MILF's" and "The Menopausal Marauders." What is your reaction to those terms?
Reminds me of my ding-a-ling ex-husband Ed. When I was being the good wife, cleaning the house and filing down the calluses on his feet, he gave me nicknames like Sweet Cakes, Baby Cakes and Cuddle Cakes.
I'm sensing a theme.
Ed liked his cake, that's for sure. But when I became an strong independent woman, the nicknames started to change.
To what?
Schizoaffective Disorder Cakes. A Danger To Herself and Others Cakes. That kind of fiddle-faddle.
So you're not surprised by the media's dismissiveness.
Eh. Fish gotta swim, birds gotta fly, ding-a-lings gotta dingle. But it turns out there are a lot of women my age with a ton of pent-up frustration who couldn't wait to pick up a katana and lop a zombie's arms off.
And from what I can gather, you've been very successful against the zombies.
We have. We've been able to rid several towns of those unholy ham hocks. And we did it without setting anything on fire. Or using thermonuclear devices like those military fudge berries. And we always clean up after ourselves. You should see the mess the Army leaves behind. Body parts and blood everywhere! But we pride ourselves on leaving the battlefield cleaner than when we got there.
I'm surprised, after seeing your success, that the military didn't follow your direction.
Ha! Show me one man who asks for directions! You really think that Supreme Lord High Muckety-Muck is going to overhaul the entire U.S. Military on the say-so of a middle-age housewife?
Maybe. He seems like a pragmatic guy.
[NOTE: Shortly after this interview, Supreme Lord High Galactic Overlord Russell responded to Marietta, saying, "Ha ha ha ha. No."
And since I can't that hobknocker him to listen to me, I'm going over his head.
To who?
The American people.
You mean...?
Yes, I'm running for President of the these forty-four United States.
Forty-four?
Did you forget? That mother of pearl nuked New England!
You know what? I did forget that! Man, my attention span is getting shorter and shorter!
Well, I didn't forget. This was a chicken plucking tragedy born of incompetence. Everyday I think about the terrible — and totally preventable — loss of Massachusetts, New Hampshire and... uh... Oh, fruity pebbles! I'm blanking on the other ones!
Doesn't really matter now, I guess.
The point is we need real gosh darn leadership.
And you think you're a better leader than Clem?
Ha! That baloney butt is an ignorant criminal! Not to mention a muffin stuffin drunk!
An ignorant, criminal, drunk who is a national icon.
Look. The most important issue facing our country is how to get rid of these Charmin-squeezing zombies. Is Clem qualified to do it?
Honestly, he doesn't even think that zombies are a problem.
Exactly. Me? I have more than proved my qualifications as an ever-loving zombie-killer and I have a detailed and comprehensive plan to rid the country of the undead in my first hundred days in office.
That's very impressive.
Do you want to read it?
How long is it?
Thirty-some-odd pages.
Uh, no thanks. But I'm sure it's great.
NOTE: Lucas and Stephanie volunteered to read it and in return I pushed their cages together for "couples time." What I didn't realize is that they would be able to get their hands through the bars and touch each other. The upshot is that a lot of the pages were very hard to read.
Well, the important thing is that I am the only candidate who has the experience to save America from the zombies.
Clem decided he didn't need a campaign manager. Do you have a one?
You bet your baby booties I do! And she is going to do a great job!
Who is it?
Camryn.
Um... isn't Camryn a voice in your head?
She's not a voice in my head; she's the gob dash best voice in my head! The voice in my head that always believed in me! The voice that stood up for my Waldorf Salad!
Were the other voices bitter that they weren't picked?
Politics is a fleeking rough game. You can't please all of the head-voices all of the time.
True enough.
And it's not like the other voices don't get a say. They are all welcome in our strategy meetings. Except for that Martha Focker, Tina.
Why?
She knows why.
OK, but are you concerned that having a head-voice running your campaign will reinforce the perception that you are — as someone once put it — crazier than a zebra in a horse race?
I'm going to let Camryn take this one.
Thanks, Marietta. Aaron, a lot of people suffer from mental illness and I think it is shameful to stigmatize them.
Thanks, Camryn.
You're welcome, Marietta.
See? Isn't Camryn terrific? Now we can put that "voices" silliness behind us once and for all.
So let's talk about the elephant int the room.
You can see him, too? Thank God!
Um... it's just a figure of speech.
Marietta knows there's no elephant. She was just making a joke. Because if there are two traits that Marietta embodies, it's a sense of humor and sanity.
She's mad! Mad, I say!
Knock it off, Tina!
Yeah, seriously!
Thanks, Camryn.
I got you, boss.
Anyway... the proverbial elephant in the room is gender. Are you at all concerned about running as a woman?
What the french horn? I'm not running as a woman any more than Clem is running as a man.
Clem is running as a man, actually. He claims that women are too irrational to be in politics... or drive cars... or give consent.
Well, Clem is living in the frag-daggle Dark Ages. Women have to deal with children, work and worst of all, men like Clem. You have to be pretty darned rational to do all that!
Good point.
And I still see that elephant. Are you sure he's not there?
Umm...
Ha ha ha! See? There's that sense of humor again! Time to go, Marietta! You have another interview to do!
No she doesn't!
Yes, she does!
No, she doesn't! She's a stinking liar!
And that, Tina, is why you're not allowed in our meetings!