Pinpricks form all over my skin as I step foot off the plane. When I left almost seven years ago I vowed to never come back. I moved my parents as soon as I could and had no reason to visit. All this town holds for me is pain and memories. I take a deep breath, slowly inhaling and exhaling the humid air. I shake off my anxiety and clear my head. I will not let this place affect me. I have bigger problems to deal with than something that happened to me a lifetime ago.
"Are you okay?" He slides his hand into my own and gently squeezes.
"I am now."
When I left this place so long ago I thought it would be for good¾That I would never breathe the stifling air, see the frivolous scenery, or step foot on the molten concrete again. To say that this small town is my own version of hell is putting it mildly. No good ever came from living here and I don't think any good will come of me being back. But I had to know if maybe, just maybe coming back here holds all the answers. Even though my anxiety is through the roof I couldn't ignore coming here. With my life on the line I had to check out every single possibility. And this place, as much as I hate it, could help save my life.
When we're safely in the rental car I arranged for us, I turn to ask Graham the one question I've been contemplating. "Did you ever think you'd come back here?
He shakes his head and doesn't hide the disdain on his face. Looks like I'm not the only one who doesn't have any good memories of this place. "Honestly, no. I didn't ever want to return here. I don't have a single fond memory of this place."
"Really?" I ask on a pause. "No good memories at all?"
He tilts his head to the side but it doesn't take long for his eyes to light up. I half expect him to say he knows what I'm talking about and of course his favorite memory from here is when we made out on my sixteenth birthday, but that isn't what he says at all.
"Nope." He shakes his head. "No good memories at all."
He continues shaking his head but with the biggest grin on his face. I love this man and his sense of humor. I may be shallow and go for a pretty face off the bat but personality is a deal breaker. And I got the best of all the worlds with Graham. It stills feels weird to me knowing that we're married. I glance over at my husbandand get lost in presence. This right here must be what it feels like. Being with the one person you were truly meant to be with. In short, it's perfection.
We pull into a parking lot and Graham parks the car. I look at him questioningly and he answers my questions before I even get the chance to ask. "I don't know about you, but I'm starving. I figured we could get something to eat before we venture out on this journey."
As if on cue my stomach starts grumbling and I can't help but laugh. "Food sounds perfect right now."
The hostess gets us seated at a table and we start looking over the menus. I hear a small squeak nearby and I lift my head. A little blonde girl who can't be much older than nine stops and her eyes go wide. I wave at her and she takes off running toward me. Oh no. What did I just do?
"Oh my gosh! Erika Takai! Will you take a picture with me? I'm one of your biggest fans."
If there's one thing I've always loved about this job, it's meeting all of the young fans I have. Their innocence shines through and they're the happiest to meet. She continues yammering on about who knows what as I sign her canvas purse. Her exuberance is contagious and I can't help but smile up at her.
"Paris. Where are you?" A woman calls from somewhere in the restaurant.
The little girl in front of me sighs and calls over her shoulder. "I'm over here, Mom."
A couple turn the corner and I suck in a breath. Graham stiffens next to me and grabs my hand. "Are you going to be okay?"
I reach for my glass of water and take a large gulp. I let the cold liquid flow down my throat and I chew up a piece of ice the slipped in. I gnaw on it focusing all of my anxiety and anger into that small cube. Letting the rest of the water flow down my throat, I let my emotions go down with it. I plaster on a fake smile and look over to Graham. "I'm fine."
Graham doesn't know about my past and the real reason I wanted out of this town so bad. The only person who knows what happened that night is Parker, Kyle, and myself. She wanted to cut his dick off after the fact but I quickly talked her out of it. I just wanted to forget that night ever happened.
I turn my attention back toward the couple coming toward us and I have to hold back a laugh when I get a good look at them. Parker's eyes go wide and Bianca's hold on his hand tightens. His hair is thinning and he has a ridiculous comb over going on. Underneath his blazer I can see a protruding beer belly over his too small button up. Bianca on the other hand looks exactly the same. Perfectly polished from head to toe.
A high pitched whine comes out of her mouth. "Paris. Come on, stop bothering these—oh my gosh—Erika is that you? How are you? It's been such a long time."
"Mom, you know who Erika Takai is?" Paris drops her purse on the table and looks like she just won an entire candy store.
"Oh, have I never told you that before? Your daddy and I went to high school with her."
Paris tilts her head to the side and says, "No, anytime her music comes on you always turn it off—"
Bianca cuts her off before she can finish whatever else she was going to say about me. "What are you talking about? Of course I would never do that. We're big fans of your music, Erika." She turns to Parker who has lost a few shades of color and seems to be sweating like crazy. "Aren't we, honey?"
Parker chokes on saliva or maybe he just doesn't know how to breathe properly. He sputters and coughs a few times and brings his gaze up to my own. "Uh...yeah, of course we are." Then he quickly glances down at his very interesting shoes. They'd have to be given how intense he is staring.
She nods like she believes everything she's saying. If she believes her own lies, they must be the truth. "Yeah we listen to your music all the time, Erika. It's so weird seeing you here. How long are you back for? We should get together for lunch or something. Catch up on all the good times."
Either this woman has had a lobotomy or she's that oblivious. She was a major bitch to me in high school, and we were far from friends. I'm sure her dear husband forgot to leave out the part that he raped me before climbing back into her bed. And judging by the looks of their daughter she was at home with a child. I feel the sudden urge to punch him in the face and tell her his dirty little secret. I'm sure I wasn't the only one either.
"You and I both know we won't be having lunch. You can stop with the pleasantries now."
Her eyes go wide and in a meek voice she asks, "Why would you say something like that?"
Parker clears his throat and tries to pull off a bored tone but judging by the redness of his neck and the squeak to his voice, his acting skills could use a little work. "Bianca, I'm going outside. Come on, Paris."
As they leave the room, Bianca takes a step closer to the table and the fear on his face is evident. She's dripping with desperation and it makes my stomach curdle. "You're not here to turn him in are you? He's in a much better place now in his life. He's been in counseling and he doesn't drink anymore. He's actually gotten into politics and is the youngest mayor this town has ever had. Please tell me what I can do to make this better. He can't go to jail."
My entire body shakes as I try to continue talking to her. She knew and never said anything about it? How do you stand by a person like that and not do a damn thing? I mumble out an excuse and quickly stand to flee from the room. If I run out the front door, I risk running into Parker and coming face to face with him. That's the last thing I could handle right now. Instead I turn and go to the opposite end of the restaurant where the bathrooms are located.
I rush in and lock the door behind me. I'd rather piss a few people off and have this meltdown in private rather than risk some random stranger come in and watch me fall apart completely. The small sofa pushed against the wall is beckoning to me and I collapse seconds before the sobs wrack my body. I don't know why I thought I could come back here. All of the pain and agony I thought I'd left behind came slamming back against me from the moment I laid eyes on him. I should have never assumed that we wouldn't run into each other. He's the fucking mayor in this God forsaken town now. Of course I would run into him.
Pinpricks travel up and down my body as the memories I force down slowly flash before my eyes. At first I didn't remember that night at all. I remembered collapsing and him carrying me upstairs, but for the longest time I was completely fuzzy after he laid me down on the bed. At first I assumed we had sex but I had too much to drink to remember anything. It was only after one of Kyle's co-workers had been slipped a Rohypnol into her drink at bar that I realized what had happened. Once I figured out what had happened, the memories slowly started coming back.
It felt like I was trapped inside my own body. I was semi-conscious about what was happening to me but my limbs were in a state of paralysis. Not to mention I couldn't say a damn thing. The expression on my face was blank and I was screaming on the inside for him to stop. He must have been more drunk than I thought because he struggled with ripping down my skirt and underwear but once he had them off he wasted no time readying himself and shoving himself in me.
His animalistic grunts made me feel sick, and I only hoped I didn't start vomiting. I closed my eyes, willing myself to fade out on everything that was happening to me. Unfortunately, even though I could no longer see him, I could still hear every groan. It didn't take long before he began shouting out in release before collapsing on top of me. I attempted to move my arms to push him off but they were unresponsive. A second later he pulled out and got off the bed. I internally sighed as he removed the condom and tossed it into a wastebasket.
He pulled his pants up and fastened them before coming over to the bed and kissing me on my forehead. His voice was snakelike as he whispered in my ear, "I had a fun time tonight. Too bad you won't remember anything in the morning. But you understand why I can't let you remember."
And then he was gone and I was draped in the darkness of the room. I'm pulled from my thoughts as Graham walks in the bathroom finding me on the couch in my broken down state. Maybe I didn't lock the door like I thought I did.
He picks me up like I'm light as a feather and I curl my body into his chest.
"I'm sorry. I don't know why I thought I could come back here. I don't want to die but this place holds too many horrific memories for me to stay."
He's running his hand in circles on my back and he asks, "What was Bianca talking about? I hate this place, but you never told me something happened to you."
I don't want to say it. Because when I put those words out there, then it will become real. It will become a living breathing thing that's charged with all of my pain and emotions. I thought I got rid of those feelings when I left town but I suppressed them. I ignored it like a giant ugly elephant in the room. Which did absolutely nothing for me. I ran away from everything rather than dealing with it and now it has come crashing to the present.
I look up into his expectant eyes and I know I have to tell him. He married me and I can't keep this from him. It wouldn't be right. "On my twentieth birthday, I ran into Parker at the country club." I release a sob and he wraps his arms around me. No. I can't let Parker take more from me. I push back slightly from Graham and continue my story. "I'm sorry. I need to just get this out no matter how difficult it is for me."
He nods, his face plastered with concern.
Taking a deep breath, I continue and don't stop until everything has been said. "He invited me to a party and Kyle came with me. Rather than hashing out all of the dirty details, after two drinks, I woke up the next morning alone in a bedroom with my bottom half naked."
"Son of a bitch." He forms his hands into fists and starts to remove me from his lap. I see the determination in his eyes but nothing good could come from this.
Placing my hands on his chest I stop him. "Don't. There's no point in bringing this all up. I don't know how much time I have left but I don't want to waste it with more fighting. I've done enough of that as it is and I'm tired. So tired."
He growls out a response, "We can't let the bastard get away with it."
"Please just let it go. Take me home so I can stop fighting."
His internal battle flashes across his face and I know he doesn't want to give into my wishes. But reluctantly he nods his head. I won the battle but it feels like a loss and it's still nothing compared to the war I'm still facing.