I can't believe what I just saw. I can't believe they kissed, I can't believe he's going around asking for more people to play the game with him.
I'm just watching his jump around the stage, hugging other members, cuddling them. I'm trying to understand but it's like I can't. I feel my eyes build up the tears but I can't do that here, not now.
After that whole fiasco happened my focus was completely gone, I don't even remember what happened to the rest of the fan sign, I just I just went on full auto pilot.
When the event finished, we all got on the van that will be taking us home. Once I entered the van, I see Changbin and Hyunjin sitting together and right now I don't really feel like sitting alone so I sat right beside Minho. He didn't seem shocked I sat beside him and when I looked at him straight in the eyes, it's like he already knew what was going on in my mind. I leaned my head against his shoulder and just closed my eyes for the rest of the ride.
As soon the car dropped us off in the dorm, I didn't even bother entering the building, I just started walking away and straight to the roof top. When I got there I just took in the fresh wind and just tried to relax myself just so I can let it all go. I basked in the silence and just enjoyed the view. I suddenly hear the door open and I turn around expecting to see Jisung but I'm surprised by the presence of Hyunjin.
"Why are you here? You didn't even change from the fan sign a while ago! Let's go back." Hyunjin says so beautifully.
"What the hell was that at the fan sign?" I ask right away, no point in trying to sway this any other way, all my emotions are still pretty raw.
"What do you mean" Hyunjin says with confusion
"You kissed Jeongin, I saw" I tell him as godly as possible, I'm done trying to pretend it's okay.
"How many times do I have to tell you? It's all for the fans!" He says with major frustration evident in his face.
"WHAT? WOULD YOU JUMP FROM A CLIFF FOR THE FANS?" I asked him because this excuse is getting so used up.
"WHY? WOULD YOU NOT DO ANYTHING FOR THE FANS?" He asks as were both equally getting frustrated by the situation on had.
"I WOULD BUT NOT TO THE EXTENT I WOULD KISS SOMEONE IN PUBLIC, HYUNJIN! LET'S PRETEND EVERYONE WAS ACCEPTING FOR A WHILE, DID YOU JUST FORGET YOU HAD ME?" I yell from the top of my lungs hoping it would get through his THICK ASS SKULL!
"WHAT PART OF IT'S-FOR-THE-FANS, DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND? AND YOU'RE SERIOUSLY GETTING MAD AT ME RIGHT NOW!" He says and It's like were speaking two completely different languages. He doesn't understand me and I seriously don't understand him.
I yell my lungs out in frustration. I grab my hair because, I don't even know what to say to make him realize that THIS ALL HURTS!
"IT'S NOT FAIR" I yell at his face.
"YOU BEING JELOUS IS NOT FAIR? YEAH!! IT'S NOT FAIR!! FOR ME! I'M NOT YOUR PROPERTY, FELIX!!!" He yells back while running his hands through his hair with frustration and his breathing getting deeper.
"YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND! I'M NOT TRYING TO OWN YOU!!!" I say with so much desperation because it's like he really doesn't get it.
"HOW THE HELL AM I NOT SUPPOSED TO UNDERSTAND? YOU'RE JUST BEING POSSESIVE AS FUCK!" He's pacing back and forth looking so angry.
"I'm just....." I trail of, I don't even know how I feel at this point anymore.
"YOU'RE JUST WHAT, FELIX? JUST SAY IT" He says with so much anger as he crosses his arms.
"I'm just scared! Okay?" I tell him quietly because I don't like fighting and I really just want to reason out. I can feel the tears falling from my face already.
"SCARED OF WHAT? WHAT'S THERE TO BE SO SCARED OF THAT I'M NOT ALLOWED TO HAVE FRIENDS, HUH?" He yells while looking at me straight in the eyes, as if daring em to say anything more.
Shit, I'm done hiding my feelings.
"BECAUSE YOU LEFT! YOU LEFT!! ON THE ROOF! YOU IGNORED ME! I WASN'T IN YOUR LIFE! YOU PRETENDED I DIDN'T EXIST!! IT WAS SO EASY FOR YOU TO LEAVE!" I yell, finally letting my frustrations out because I can't take this anymore.
"THAT'S NOT TR-"
"IT'S FUCKING TRUE AND YOU KNOW IT!" I cut him off and he finally keeps quiet, so I continue.
"I've chased after you, waited for you, forgave you, I left my soulmate for you. You made this pain in my chest disappear, and you made me happy, but seriously, if I wasn't enough for you, why did you make me believe I was?" My breathing is so heavy from trying to explain myself I can feel small teardrops finally falling.
"Felix I-"
"SHUT UP AND LISTEN TO ME!" I tell him.
"MAYBE I AM JEALOUS. But with everything you've been doing, how can I not be? I understand that it's for the fans but seriously, why do you have to make me feel like I have to wait in line to just talk to you?" I look at him and his eyes are on the floor and it looks like he's not going to answer me.
"Every time I saw you, you were already the most beautiful and precious thing I've ever seen. Even now, I still think that. I was okay with just being friends, I just wanted you in my life, then you told me that you were mine and I was yours, and that's so much more than what I deserved." I didn't have the energy to look at him, so I kept my eyes on my feet, not even daring to look up at him.
"I didn't want to be second best but I guess I was setting myself up for it, right?" I let out a small laugh because it actually is funny, the irony of all this...my life is funny.
"Whatever this was, Hyunjin..... I'm not going to wait anymore. I'm so tired of chasing after you. I'm sorry" I look up at him and hold my head high as if I had some dignity left in me as I say it and I see his eyes are still on the floor.
I don't know if he's crying, I don't know if he's sad, I don't know what he's thinking but I turn around and for once, I'm not the one being left behind.
Once I get on the elevator going down to the lobby, everything was so quiet. The silence was so loud, it was like I couldn't hear myself think. My mind is going through such chaotic emotions yet it was also so quiet. I didn't know where to go so I ran to the one person who would understand.
"How'd it go?" Jisung asked as I slammed the door to his room and I just collapse into tears on his floor.
Jisung did not even look the slightest bit surprised as he runs over to me and carries me to his bed so that he can lay us down and cuddle me close. My crying gets heavier and I'm starting to shake from all the sadness I feel inside but Jisung doesn't let me go one bit and keeps his hold on me firm.
I hear him humming a soft little tune and my crying stops a little bit when I finally recognized where the tune was from.
"Are you humming awkward silence?" I ask him softly
"....yeah" He admits and I hit him on the leg
"I hate you so much" I tell him as hug him tighter and I feel more tears falling from my eyes.
"HEY! At least it made you feel a little bit better right?" He asks enthusiastically and I just shake my head and he laughs at me while holding me tightly.
We just laid there with only my heavy breathing destroying the silence, but slowly I start getting my breathing pattern back and I can feel myself relaxing a bit after being able to let all of that out.
"Why didn't I just fall in love with you?" I ask him quietly after a while.
"Sorry dude, offers passed!" He says while laughing and I laugh a little bit a long with him, I hate him so much.
"Love is love my good sir, not always the happiest, not always the best" I hear the voice from the corner of the room and I lift my head to see Minho sitting on the desk chair just looking sympathetically at me.
He's probably been here the whole time and I'm not even surprised he's here.
"Ugh, you got my new shirt wet" I hear Jisung say and I burry my head in to his chest more and close my eyes.
"Why are you wearing a new shirt to bed?" I ask him, but my voice is muffled from his shirt.
"STOP JUDGING ME!" He yells and I just laugh a little bit and I can hear the fake annoyance in Jisung's voice which is making me laugh more.
"MINHO HELP! HE'S JUDGING ME!" He screams and I hear Minho laughing then I suddenly feel another pair of arms hug me and it feels so warm.
"My name is Lee Know but he way" Minho says and suddenly the two are bickering about Minho's name.
I keep my face on Jisung's chest and just like that I pass out crying in the arms of Jisung and Minho.
I wake up with my eyes swollen red and the two boys still asleep beside me. I smile at them because I'm so glad they didn't leave me last night. I look at the clock and see that it's only 6am, two hours before we're supposed to wake up but I get out of bed and walk to the kitchen. I grab a glass of water because all that crying has made me thirsty.
"Felix?" I'm shocked by the small voice and turn around to see Jeongin looking super guilty.
"Oh, hey! What's up?" I ask trying to keep my tone enthusiastic but small because I still don't have energy. I sip from my water and put the glass on the counter.
"About yesterday, I'm so so-" Before Jeongin could continue I hold my hand up and signal him to stop and I go and pull him in for a hug.
He seemed pretty shocked by the hug but hugs me back tight as well, he must have been so worried about yesterday. We keep our position like this for a while then as I pull away, I run my hand through his hear and he relaxes at my touch and I smile at this.
"There's no need to say sorry, you did nothing wrong" I tell him with a small smile
I still see a glint of guilt in his eyes so I lean forward and give him a small kiss on the cheek and he giggles at this. I know Jeongin, and I know he never means harm.
"Go back to sleep you big baby. Channie-hyung is going to get so angry if he wakes you up and you're cranky because you didn't sleep enough" I tell him and he laughs as he hits me on the shoulder before he goes back to his room.
I go back to my water and as I'm drinking I notice someone peeking his head out from his room, It's Hyunjin. I finish my drink and put the glass in the sink and when I turn around, we both made eye contact. His eyes look just like mine, swollen and red. He slightly opened his mouth and looked like he had something to say but I just give him a small smile and small bow and walked back in to Jisung's room.
I mean it this time, I won't be easy to get.
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SURPRISE UPDATE ATTACK!!!!!!
WHUUUUTTTT ANOTHER UPDATE???? IN A FEW HOURS???? WHO AM I????? IM ON A ROLE! HHAHAHAHAHAHH
U ARE ALL AMAZING HUMAN BEINGS AND DESERVE ONLY GREAT THINGS! but lemme hit u first with THE ANGST!
FEEL MY LOVE!!!!
It's just a minor setback for a major comeback dontcha think ;)