The Saviors been scavenging around places to take care of Claimers and now it lead to Pittsburgh. It's been months, a spring season so there was no problems traveling in snow. Negan was so agitated on finding them before the fuckers move out. He prepared on his teams; the RK's won't go from the experience except Mal, and he understands it. Mal had been in war like this, hell, she told him she led one for a couple of months and attacked it when everything was planned, and she was, what? Fourteen at the time? He was beyond shocked, he knew she was a serial killer but damn, that was brilliant and badass.
The RK's stayed in the Sanctuary for a while, getting comfortable in the community. People had some gentle encouragement from the Saviors, accepting them as a group. He took them to the bedroom Mal had. Lugh kept talking to Alec, which Negan tries to sneak a peek on when their sexual tension will happen, maybe like to join for giggles, while the others and Mal always stuck with the kids; Mal was keen to never share the close quarters of the room with anyone but them.
There were the nights they spent alone, out on the stairwell close to Negan's quarters. It went unspoken between them, but a pattern developed where, no matter what stairs they'd been in during the day, he and Mal always ended up in the same one at night. Mal's nightmares were still reoccurring- she woke up less violently now, and only once did Negan catch a glimpse of tears shining, unshed, in her eyes, but they still came. And when Mal woke up, Negan talked to her. At first, he tried to ask about the dreams, thinking that maybe Mal would want to just word-vomit it all out, but when those questions were dodged, they just talked. And when Mal had calmed down enough, she would drift back off to her room.
Maybe it was coincidental, but Negan swore that the girl slept more peacefully the second time around. It was selfish, in part, that desire to think that his presence was helping in some way. And in another way, it was wholly unselfish. There was something inside of Negan- some fierce, righteously protective part of him that he hadn't even known existed- that burned a little when he saw Mal's chest heaving with the panicked breaths that followed the nightmares. And that part of Negan screamed, rabid and furious, how dare anyone do that to another human being.
Deeper down, there was something else. Something neither selfish or selfless, just bewilderingly specific, that growled, how dare anyone do that to Mal. How dare anyone make her look so terrified, make her feel so small, make those tears well up in what should be clear eyes. How dare anyone touch her.
-:-:-:-:-
Negan sat on the chair, rubbing some oil on Ellie in a sexual way that made his people in the long metal table confused and embarrassed. The RK's weren't getting the idea yet Mal rolled her eyes. They were at the higher level, the five floor where the meeting taken place. His armed men; Bud, Rachael, Dwayne, Michone, Clinton, and Sheree were discussing and giving advises on what's happening tomorrow once they leave, packing every fuel they have, food they need to eat for a bit, and Clinton giving opinions of short cuts towards Pittsburgh, where there are herds to avoid, and pit stops.
Dwayne gets up and Negan asks where he's going. He replied for a smoke and going to bring more ammunition. He grinned and waved him off. He liked how Dwayne become so obedient after what Negan had done; made his hot smoking ex-wife his wife, had his face in the iron, and is a lap dog. Although, he did pity the man of the woman who clearly cheated and gave up on him just to be Negan's wife. Classy, he grinned.
"I plan that we bring your own guns, a sniper rifle for sure. Me and Vix build smoke bombs for hiding," said Sheree, earning a soft smile from Vix. "I suggest we should think about the routes we can attack. Their main area is in the neighbourhood, but the city is ruined and may be a good place to use as an advantage for sniping a few Claimers."
"I say that we take two groups, one entering the city together," said Negan. "We take the east, down by avenue south street. There's a stop ground of Claimers watching over a quarantine wall. That's where we sneak up and kill them, no sounds."
"We should take a quarter of our people like we did with the Glory." Said Mal.
"Mal," Rachael implored to her. "It's been many months. We took every weapon they took from the Flyer Frontiers and guards. Nothing's happened. We're safe here. We're all still going to be right here, and we won't want to waste enough gas. You need fewerpeople, more as a small mission. If bringing every Savior into this, they'll be restless."
Mal frowned and bit her lip, and Negan gave it a shot. "Mal, listen to her. You really think she'd be saying any of this if she thought we were in danger? Listen to the fuckin' thoughts." Negan joked, trying to lighten Mal's heavy mood.
"It's safer if we're bringing every gun," Mal muttered. "And take much time to watch where every Claimer is. See what weapons they still have."
Vix placed a hand on Mal's shoulder. Negan felt a swell of relief and little bit of pride that Mal didn't flinch away. She was getting better, not jumping anymore when people from their group brushed against her or touched her. She would still occasionally look uneasy, and she avoided getting too close in proximity to anyone outside of their group, but that was to be expected. Small steps forward.
"Mal, you know I respect the decisions you're suggesting. And I understand that letting go under control, even a little bit, is a big deal for you. But you need to listen Negan. He's your leader, and if you can't trust the people here, trust that Negan knows how to defend us." Said Bud.
Mal frowned at her clutched hands. "I know I trust you. But if they have weapons like back in Whitefish lake, we don't know if they are the artillery. We're at risk already, and if we start splitting up our chances will be even worse." She stood up, and headed into the railing outside. Sheree sighed and jerked her head at Negan, indicating she wanted him to try to talk some sense into Mal.
Negan obeyed the suggestion, padding out the door after Mal, closing it and standing beside her where she stood out the railing, watching over the nice view. Mal didn't acknowledge him, just stared in frustration. Negan sensed that Mal just wanted to look busy so they'd stop questioning her.
"Mal, I really think you need to let our plans happen," He said gently, sliding a hand onto her shoulder.
"A lot could go wrong."
"A lot could go wrong even if we're all together, Mal. You know that. If we brought everyone out there, lots of us would be dead." Mal avoided his eyes, and Negan reached forward, gently cupping the side of Mal's face in his hand and tilting it up to face him. Mal's eyes went wide at the gesture- there was no fear there, though, just breathless surprise at the intimacy of it. "Baby, it's gonna be alright. It is. Trust us. One fucking bit. You'll see. You said yourself that we are gonna win, no one dies. Fucking think about it; once it's over you'll have a whole damn room to yourself. I know you've been getting better, but I still see how fucking nervous it makes you being crowded into one room with so many people, and bitchin' about everything they don't know what to do."
Mal sighed, but Negan could see that she was considering it. "I trust you."
"Everyone will be fine, especially with only a few people in two groups, and things will be fine. I fucking promise."
That seemed to sate Mal. She took a deep breath and stepped into the living room, regarding the Saviors. "We can try splitting off into the neighbourhood. Look for any signs of Claimers and/or survivors. If we see anything in the house you can used as a weapon, keep it close by."
Bud beamed at her, rising off the chair. "Great! That's really great to hear, Mal. I knew I'd like you."
-:-:-:-:-
She entered the still-steamed bathroom. She kicked off her boots and stripped off her clothes. I can wash those, too, she realized. Clean clothes. The Sanctuary has a laundry storage, she forgets little luxuries that the Tradepost doesn't have. When she stepped under the hot spray of the shower, the effect was instantaneous: the water hit her skin and rolled down her body, pooling in a sullied puddle around her feet. She cranked the heat up a bit and tipped her face up into the spray, feeling it soak her.
God, that feels amazing, Mal thought as the hot water beat down onto her back.
She got a strange sense of satisfaction as she grabbed the soap and began washing away the grime, watching with fascination as the dirt was scrubbed off. And then, halfway through the second time washing her hair, something hit her.
I'm not clean enough.
He's still on me. Always still on me.
Mal doubled over and dry heaved into the shower drain, her whole body shaking. She knows it was a dream but her mind is doubling her over. She grabbed the soap again and turned the heat the rest of the way up, the glass stall steaming up until she couldn't see out of it. She scraped at her skin, working the soap into a lather again and again and again.
Get it off.
Get it off.
Get him off of me.
-:-:-:-:-
After Negan got done at loading for the two cars on their way to Pittsburg, filling up as much gas from the corn and oil they gardened up in Sanctuary. He went up into the second floor where the kids are at the playroom with AJ.
Max was on the couch, bouncing AJ on his lap and making him giggle. He looked up as Negan entered, watching him take the place in.
Negan whistled. "You guys having fun in this badass place."
The kids didn't bother to remind Negan of Mal's no-swearing-in-front-of-the-kids rule. "This place is so cool," Killeen grinned, his expression suddenly childlike in a way the Negan had never seen before. "I like to live here."
Negan chuckled as he wandered through the kitchen. "You have to ask the RK's if they want to. Where is Mal anyway, kids?"
"In her own room. In the shower probably." Rin said. "Been up there for a little while when I tried to call her."
Negan smiled to himself. "Probably hogging all the hot water, the cheeky girl," he joked. "We'll go to her room and I can cook a fucking meal for you."
AJ's hands tugging at the little tiffs of hair out of his hat. Max scoffed and Negan looked offended. "What's that shit for? You don't fucking believe me?"
"Just don't seem like the type."
Negan grinned and leaned back against the counter. "I live to break stereotypes, kid. I'm into all kinds of shit I don't seem like the type for. I promise you, all of you kids won't be complaining that I don't look like the cooking type when you taste my spaghetti."
When he left the kids on their own, Negan made his way up the stairs to Mal's room. Her door was unlocked; he knocked for privacy and went in anyway when no call is heard. Entering, he hears the sounds of the shower still running in the hall bathroom. Impatient asshole that he was, he knocked a few times.
"Hey, Mal! Hurry your ass up in there, I'm gonna cook up a meal for you and the kids!" Mal didn't respond, and Negan rolled his eyes. Shower-hogging little shit.
-:-:-:-:-
Mal's whole range of vision had narrowed down to the swirl of sudsy water down the drain. She couldn't feel the spray of the shower anymore, couldn't feel the tile under her knees as she hunched on the floor, couldn't feel the dig of her fingernails into her flesh. All she could feel was her skin, tight and itchy and unbearably filthy, she thought of- of him- still on her skin made Mal feel dizzy and sick.
Get it off- have to get it off...
There was a sudden knock at the door, and Mal jolted, her shoulder hitting the wall of the shower.
"Mal, you in there? Fuck, man, hurry your ass up."
Negan's words confused her. She'd just gotten in. Negan should still be with Bud-
"Mal! Hey, Rin's getting kinda worried out here."
Why would Rin be worried? She'd just gotten in.
"Mal...shit, I'm coming in, okay? You're freaking me out thinking you cracked your head on the sink or something. Yell if you want me to stay the fuck out, alright? Just tell me you're okay and I'll fuck off."
Mal couldn't force the words out. She went back to scrubbing violently at her skin.
-:-:-:-:-
Negan opened the bathroom door and was immediately hit in the face by a room full of steam.
How much fucking hot water did Mal use?
The glass stall of the shower was mostly steamed over, but Negan couldn't make out Mal inside. Panic twisted in his gut. "Mal? You alright? I can't fucking see you. Just tell me you're alright. Say something, okay?"
Nothing.
Fuck it. If Mal was alright, she could yell at him all he wanted for invading his privacy. He got that it had been a while since she had gotten to bathe, but a two hour shower was a bit much. A two hour shower in which she didn't respond the last three times Rin and Negan had knocked on the door was downright worrisome.
Negan pulled the stall door open, and his breath caught in his chest.
Mal was curled into herself, hunched over on the shower floor with a nearly-empty bottle of soap beside her. Her skin was tinged a bright red, and it wasn't just from the water temperature, because that was now running cold as it poured over Mal's bare back. Mal barely seemed to register his presence, instead choosing to continue scrubbing at her already raw flesh. There were patches of it, on her legs in particular, Negan noticed, where the skin had been rubbed away completely and was now trickling a faint but steady stream of blood.
What the fuck?
Negan crouched down, not minding the water soaking through the knees of his jeans. "Mal?" He kept his voice gentle, "Mal, are you okay?" When Mal still didn't look up at him, Negan reached out a tentative hand, letting it hover over the girl's bowed head. "Mal. You're freaking me the fuck out. I'm gonna touch you, is that alright?" When Mal didn't respond, Negan hesitantly let his hand drop to rest atop Mal's wet hair.
The smaller girl jerked back immediately, her eyes snapping up to Negan's. They were wet from more than the bathwater, and rimmed a morose shade of red. She looked terrified, nearly feral in her fear, and Negan threw his hands up.
"Shit! I'm sorry, I'm sorry! You were just- Rin and I have been trying to ask if you're okay for the past two hours and we were getting worried." Mal's expression softened into confusion at that, and the fear melted into a shaky confusion that was echoed in the way her body was trembling.
"T-two hours?" She asked.
Negan nodded. "Yeah. Rin and I knocked three times before this. What's...what's going on, Mal?" He nodded to Mal's reddened skin, and Mal curled further into herself, trying to shield her body from Negan. "Mal, I'm not- you know I'm not gonna hurt you. But I'm a little concerned that you're gonna hurt yourself if you keep going like that."
Mal looked down at herself as if for the first time, and when she looked back up at Negan, she looked lost. "I- I don't remember doing this. I was just- just trying to get it off-" her voice broke and Negan's heart went with it.
"Get the dirt off? Well, I'm pretty damn sure you got it all, darlin'. You're rubbed fuckin' raw."
"N-not the dirt," Mal whispered, her head dipping low again. Negan cocked his head.
"What, then?"
"I had to get- to get it off. Get him off. I thought I need to get him off." The words were violent, spat onto the wet tile like poison sucked from a wound.
Negan's chest tightened painfully, and he reached out to the shaking teen again. "Oh, Mal...fuck, baby girl..." He breathed. Mal was shaking violently now, goosebumps breaking out over her skin. Negan pushed himself to his feet, his jeans soaked from the knees down, and moved to shut off the frigid water. "I'm gonna turn this off, okay?" Mal nodded his assent and Negan turned the shower off. He turned and grabbed a towel from where it hung on the wall and reached out to Mal again. "C'mere, Mal. You need to dry off. You're shaking." When Mal didn't move, Negan crawled into the shower beside her. He gingerly wrapped the towel around Mal, gauging her reaction. She didn't seem scared anymore, the manic scrubbing of her skin having passed. Now...now she just seemed deeply troubled, her broken expression making Negan ache for her. "Do you want me to go so you can dry off? I can go." Negan offered, but Mal surprised him by catching his arm, icy fingers making him suck in a breath.
"No. No, I don't..." Mal visibly swallowed. "Don't go. Not yet. I don't...I can't be alone in here."
The heavy words stuck to Negan, thick with sorrow and hurt. "Okay. Alright. I'm here. Can I...can I dry you off, then? If you're not gonna do it? You need to warm up. The cold's not doing you any favors."
Mal dipped her head, nodding her assent, and Negan placed careful hands on the towel, dragging it over Mal's skin to dry her off and then rubbing more firmly to get her warm again. He felt Mal's fingers knot in the damp fabric of his shirt, felt her head tip to the side and rest against Negan's chest as he toweled her dry. He could feel the tension in Mal's shoulders begin to melt away, rolling off of her like water down the drain.
"I'm sorry I worried you and Rin," Mal murmured softly, "Didn't realize...thought I'd just gotten in. Lost track of time."
"It's alright, baby. It's alright. I'm sorry I came in. I mean, I'm not, because you really needed to be snapped the fuck out of whatever you were doing before you hurt yourself, but I'm sorry if...if you're uncomfortable or anything."
"It's okay," She mumbled, but Negan felt Mal shift against him, drawing her legs up further to better cover herself.
"Are you...are you alright now? Feel better?"
"Yeah," Mal answered, "I just...I just needed to get it all off."
Negan nodded. "Yeah. I think you took care of it, though. You're one squeaky-fucking-clean bitch now, Mal." He toweled Mal's damp hair dry as he could get it, smiling to himself when the damp lock of hair fell into Mal's face. He pushed them back gently, raking his fingers through them and massaging Mal's scalp lightly, drawing a soft, contented hum out of the smaller one. He handed Mal the towel. "I, uh. I'll let you handle the rest, alright? You good to go?"
Mal nodded, rising on her knees and accepting Negan's offer of a hand to help her up. She clutched the towel in front of her, her face flushing faintly. "I'm good."
Negan forced himself to keep his eyes on Mal's face then went out the door, letting Mal change inside the bathroom, wanting to see if she was actually okay. She came out, dressed in comfy clothes.
"Thank you, Negan." Mal's voice was the barest whisper between them, a low, reverent sound in the empty room. Negan's chest was tight as he turned into Mal, the girl's blue eyes a navy-black in the dark light. Impulsively, Negan leaned into the touch, hovering for a moment before pressing his lips to Mal's forehead in a kiss that he hoped conveyed even a fraction of his affection. He could hear Mal's unsteady breathing below him, and her eyes were wide when Negan pulled back.
"Of course. Anything, Mal. I fucking mean it. All you have to do is ask."
-:-:-:-:-
After she calmed herself down, Vix knocked at her door. She lets her in when she notices something behind her back.
"Long shower?" She asks.
"They do have nice showers," she counters, not trying to let her see what really happened. "What's that?"
"Remember that on your seventeenth birthday, I was going to make you a new leather jacket, but didn't quite finish.
She hands out a black plastic blanket, unfolding it, and Mal applauded at the wonderful sight of Vix's creation. The biker jacket had some resembles of Negan's jacket, with the same texture and structure. Yet with her design, the sleeves can be unzipped and zipped on the side of her upper torso sides, becoming sleeveless like a leather vest. It's thought since Mal gets too hot when it's very humid and hot in temperatures- surprised that Negan barely breaks a sweat in his jacket- and on the sides when zipping on her sides, it had a design, red front of the baseball bat with chains looping around it. Ellie.
"It's perfect. Thank you." She leans over and hugs her, appreciating that Mal didn't flinch or get sick from the gesture.
"I knew you'd like it. Wish I can come with you."
"I understand, you don't have too. You never experienced war before and it's scary, not like all the Bounty Hunters who claim stories as being heroic battles with barely casualties and consequences."
"You wear, and it'll show that you are a Savior and an RK. You are Mal."
-:-:-:-:-
Mal shot up in bed, her heart slamming against her ribcage. She was gripping the sheets below her, which were soaked through with a cold sweat that made her feel too much like she felt that day, her body trembling as she bit back on a broken sob.
She half-fell out of the bed and stumbled into the bathroom, hoping the shower didn't wake up the kids or the RK's in the extra bed. She crawled under the spray and sat there for a while, eyes closed, taking deep, unsteady breaths.
Just a dream. A fucking dream. You're fine.
She changed into fresh clothes when he got out- a dry shirt and shorts- and stared at her bed. Suddenly, she didn't want to get back in, terrified that if she did, if she laid down in the same sheets she'd just sweated through, she would end up right back in that cold room with Charlie behind her.
Negan. Negan said I could come to him. Any time.
She very nearly ignored the thought, but the memory of Negan's lips on her forehead, soft and comforting, drew her out of her room and down the stairs until she was hovering in Negan's doorway. The door was surprisingly open since he does lock it, the room dark with nighttime, but Mal's eyes had adjusted enough to see the outline of the man under the sheets, his chest rising and falling with sleep-heavy breaths.
This is stupid. I shouldn't wake him up like this because I had a fucking nightmare, Mal reprimanded herself, even as she stepped into Negan's room. She felt like a child coming to him like this, but the shame of it didn't outweigh the heaviness of her eyelids from restless nights and the fear that gripped her when she thought of resuming her dream.
"Negan," Mal said, feeling stupid as she reached out to shake the man's bare shoulder. Negan's reaction was instantaneous, jerking awake under Mal's hand and grabbing for a book sitting on his nightstand.
"Whothefucksthere-" Negan rasped, his words slurred with sudden wakefulness. Mal took a step back.
"It's me. Mal." She could make out Negan rubbing at his eyes and setting the book down again.
"Fuck. Shit. Jesus tap-dancing fucking Christ, Mal. Somethin' wrong?"
Mal scrubbed a hand over her hair awkwardly. "I, ah. I was wonderin'- you said that if I...if I woke up again, that I could, uh..." She trailed off, feeling foolish, but Negan groped for her hand in the dark, twining their fingers together.
"Yeah. Fuck, sorry. Of fucking course, you can wake me up, baby-girl. You wanna- wanna talk or somethin'?" His words were split by a wide yawn, and Mal found herself almost smiling at that.
"I just don't wanna be alone right now. Can't fucking sleep in that bed."
Negan tugged Mal a little closer, and Mal sat on the edge of the mattress next to him. "You wanna sleep down here?"
Mal's face flushed- she realized now how it sounded, how it looked, her coming down here to wake Negan up, saying she didn't want to be in her own bed. "I- I didn't mean- I don't want you to be- I'll just go." Flustered, Mal moved to stand, but Negan held fast to her hand.
"Don't go, Mal. You don't gotta fucking go. Wasn't- I wasn't makin' fun of you. If you wanna stay here, you can stay." He scooted up in bed, putting a hand on Mal's shoulder. "You're fucking shaking, Mal. Come here." Negan slid an arm around Mal's shoulders, and Mal turned into him, seeking warmth and the comfort of another person, suddenly craving arms around her so badly that it ached. Before she could talk herself out of it, she was gripping at Negan's shoulders and resting her forehead against the crook of Negan's neck. Negan pulled her closer, one hand stroking her hair gently while the other rubbed her back. "Stay here, Mal. I've got you. I've fucking got you, darlin'."
Her sense of shame long since gone, Mal poured herself into Negan's arms, let herself be guided to lay back on the bed with the other man's arms wrapped protectively around her while she breathed in the warm, familiar scent of Negan. She breathed in and out, focusing on the leather-and-soap smell, the way Negan's arms curled around her body, the way his lips felt as the pressed against Mal's hair, speaking soothing words that she could only half- hear as she drifted off into a blessedly peaceful sleep.