November 8th, Thursday
„Bakugou. I have news and I want you to meet someone." Aizawa enters my room, seeing me laying in bed with Kirishima having the chair faces with its back to me, leaning his chin and arms on it as always, but holding one of his arms over to touch me. As soon as Aizawa enters with an unknown man next to him, Kirishima moves his arm back, changing the soft look on his face to a serious one.
„News?" I ask monotone, looking at the stranger next to my doctor.
„This- is Tasuku Honjo and he won the Nobel prize in medicine a few months ago. The fact that he is here right now is- inexpressible. It's a huge honor." Aizawa seems to fangirl about the guy. But winning a Nobel prize is a tough thing, so he must be good. The smile on his face is kind of odd, way too nice. And the way he happily makes a step forward, makes him even weirder than he already is.
„As doctor Aizawa said, my name is Tasuku Honjo, but Honjo is okay. Your name is Katsuki Bakugou and as it seems, you're incredibly sick. Well- I am here to help you."
„Help me?" Kirishima stares over to me, his body frozen completely. I don't take it serious. There's nothing he could do.
„Yes. If I may explain. At the current moment, you suffer under kidney failure plus the leukemia you have. My research made a good progress and I could actually have a protein, which I call PD-1. Together with a friend of mine, we combine our proteins if needed, to let the immune system of a person heal the diseased cells in their body. What I'm suggesting you now, is to get under the procedure of dialysis, try as well as possible to keep your kidney working and also taking these proteins. These will kill off the rest of your leukemia cells and will actually even help you strengthen the system itself. After approximately a month if you're lucky, you'll be able to have a kidney transplant!" He explains way too happily, it confuses me.
„Wait, this is coming out of nowhere. Aizawa, you told me I could already have a kidney transplant!" Aizawa frowns and even steps back a little. Even though I tried so hard to prepare for my death, I'm still fighting for what I thought could never be possible.
„Well, it's not as easy as you think. The leukemia could come back any time. Even if your immune system would be strong enough to proceed with the surgery, it would be suppressed in order to actually implant this kidney without complications. So in order to not die or fail the procedure, we need to suppress your immune system during the surgery, which we at your current state can't possibly do. You would die. Your body wouldn't be able to cope with it." He explains rather low. My immune system is too weak to have a kidney transplant? But I knew this from the beginning somehow. And there was no way I could get one anyways, wasn't it? I knew this. Now don't cry. Don't cry.
„That's why I'm here." Honjo interrupts, smiling again.
„You're saying through your protein thingy, Bakugou's cells could be working fine and his immune system could be strong enough for the transplant?" Kirishima asks again, just to be sure he heard right.
„Yes, that's exactly what I'm saying." We look at each other. Then I frown.
„My death day should be today. You know this is a risky move." Kirishima pouts at my sentence, leaning his chin against his arm again.
„That's why we're starting now."
Without further conversation, Aizawa decided to bring me to labor and begin the dialysis directly. It all goes so fast, that I don't even realize what's happening. Everything is a huge gamble. And if it doesn't work out the way everyone planned it, I lost the last day of my existence laying on a surgery bed with a few doctors sticking around my kidney, instead of being with Kirishima.
It's not- not something I planned. But the slight breeze of hope that's still somewhere in my mind gives me the feeling that everything's going to be fine. But- the chances are so low. How am I supposed to survive even a month longer than my doctor expects me to, even if my kidney gets ‚cleaned up'? It won't work.
It worked.
December 10th, Monday
Approximately one month has passed. Everything went too fast. Way too fast for me to even understand why I'm still alive. The protein Honjo gave me- which was a huge risk and led to me having pain and complications through this whole time- actually helped. The leukemia cells in my body have been almost completely defeated by my own immune system and the help of the medication from the hospital. The only thing that's still not there- is someone to give me their kidney. The whole PD-1 protein thing was a fucking ton of money, so I got put on the top of the list. The procedure shouldn't be worthless. There should be one good outcome, something that can actually make me hope.
„Hey bro." Kirishima enters my hospital room. I just threw up from the pills I had to take and I feel like complete shit.
„You call me bro.." I whisper smiling just a little. He walks inside with two cans in his hands. „Orange juice?" The memories.
„Thought you'd like some. It's even filtrated." He smiles, hiding his sadness, tiredness and fear.
As we all did this past month. It was horrible for everyone. Even though I survived the deadline, it wasn't something worth surviving. The pain I felt, the problems I had and still have and especially the emotions I made Kirishima feel were messing with my head, questioning if there's still a reason for fighting this hard for something so unobtainable.
„Thanks." He gives me the can and shakily, I try to reach it. It's already opened. My fingertips wrap around the cold can, slowly taking it into my palm.
„So, how do you feel?" He asks sitting down in his favorite position on the chair, drinking his coke. The can feels incredibly heavy in my hand.
„Besides barely being able to keep my eyes open and forget about the pain in my sides, I'm doing amazing sweetie." Kirishima doesn't manage to even form a fake smile. I can see how he isn't able to sleep the last days, weeks, maybe even the whole month we've been doing this. I forced him to leave my room and sleep at his own house, in his own bed, not being with me when I moan in my sleep, cough myself awake or sometimes even throw up.
„I can't."
His whisper sounds through the whole room, resounding in my ears. But both of our expressions don't change.
„Me too."
„It's- too much. I can't handle this."
My heart begins racing. What is he saying? His chin lays behind his arms on the rest of the chair, his eyes barely peaking out, looking in another direction, frowning. I don't answer him, but put the orange juice on my night desk, next to the millions of pills. Kirishima's eyes begin to look glossy.
„Katsuki. I just- I don't have a life anymore." He sniffs a little and blinks the slowly forming tears in his eyes away. Is it the end now?
„I know." The answer is too quiet, he probably didn't hear it.
„You know that I can't watch you do this day by day. I don't have anyone anymore. I can't concentrate during my lessons, I can't focus on anything except thinking what could happen to you while I'm not in the hospital. There is nothing keeping me going except the fear of losing you. And- I don't know for how much longer I can take it."
This is the end.
„Katsuki, I-"
„It's okay. You should leave and- try to distract yourself. Text Kaminari, he's the best for that. Meet up with him, do something else. Don't stick around here anymore." He looks at me, as if he's just begging to leave.
„You know I can't do that."
„All that you do is for me, isn't it? Maybe I should return the favor and tell you to leave." My voice is monotone, but my heart aches. Slowly, Kirishima stands up from his chair, his eyes hanging, just like his mouth. He looks so skinny somehow. The muscles I was so jealous of- are they gone? Does he even eat? Is he actually alive?
„I'll- text you."
„Don't. Just- leave for now. Sleep and eat. Talk with others, about anything but this." Pouting tiredly, he heads for the exit.
„Do you need anything?" He asks while opening the door. I knit my eyebrows in concern.
„I don't need anything, except you finding a new purpose in life. Do something. Work out again, get new friends, do your college thing. Just- forget about me, at least for a while. For your sake." His eyes tear up.
„What are you saying..." He whispers quietly, touching the handle tighter. I inhale, swallowing all the pain in my throat and chest.
„I love you with my heart and soul. You're the best thing that's ever happened to me and to be honest, I'm glad we met, even under these circumstances. Sorry for not noticing you in the past, sorry for being a dick sometimes. I love you, Eijirou." How hard can it be to pronounce these words. This kind of good bye. It hurts both of us.
„Don't make me cry now, damnit. I just need a little time. I'll be back tomorrow, hun. See you." He exits the door, holding his hand in front of his eye.
„See you." I answer quietly before he closes the door behind him. See you? Where? When? ...
I am prepared. I am ready to give Kirishima a new life, free him from the daily pain of seeing me, of the burden in his chest. He won't have to worry. He's still able to have a normal life again. He will be ready to live it. I- just won't be a part of it.
Slowly, I reach out to my wrist, unplugging the needle and freeing myself from the drip. Then, I move my hands up to my face, closing my eyes and taking off my nasal cannula, putting it on the night desk beside me. All the pills. And I search for the ones... the ones... these. A small reddish box with pills inside, that help me raise my blood pressure. Too many, and I might die of a heart stroke. Painless, but deadly.
This decision has been going through my mind since we started the procedure. But at first, Kirishima thought good of it and was even looking forward. But we still don't have a donor and my kidney is no longer able to do anything. I was in remission officially and the protein helped a lot. But it wasn't enough. The pain just doesn't go away. But- I want it to go away so bad. Physically and mentally. I'm a pain for everyone around me... and this has to stop.
Reaching for the box, my hand shakily opens it and about eleven pills fall out on my palm. With a racing heart, I look down on them. Inhaling heavily, I shut my eyes and throw my hand to my mouth, tilting my head back and actually swallowing all of them.
I gasp. I did it. It actually happened. Will I- die now? With the words I said to Kirishima. Those last words, which he didn't even take seriously. What have I done? Was it a mistake? No- it's the only way to end my suffer, his suffer.
„I love you." Whispering, I close my eyes and lean back. My heart races faster and faster. My breathing intensifies. „I love you Eijirou, please. Please, forgive-"
My eyes open widely. My body freezes. My heart- I don't hear anything. No pounding. Opening my mouth, it's not possible to inhale at all. I keep trying to get oxygen inside my lungs, but it's not working. My hands reach up to my throat, I try coughing, I try everything, but nothing works. My heart aches so much, as if someone stabbed it with a knife. Moving my chest up and down doesn't do anything, the pain doesn't go away and the air doesn't make its way inside my body. Have I ever felt such weird pain? There has been worse. But did I ever have such a fear? Never. I never had such a fear in my life. My vision begins to blur, my lungs tighten, my heart makes weird movements, which are barely sensible. A bright, white light in front of my eyes appears. My brain- shuts off.
-Kirishima-
Walking away from Bakugou wasn't the best idea. He understands how I feel. How am I supposed to go on like that? He's right. I need to distract myself, I mustn't lose my life like that. I have to live- for him. But how long will he live- for me?
I'm walking down the huge hallway of the hospital. I left his room about twenty minutes ago, spending fifteen of them standing in front of his room and crying quietly, rethinking to get back inside, to talk to him, maybe kiss him. What he said scared me a lot. He really thinks there's nowhere to go for him.
Suddenly, about four nurses pass by the hallway, running the way I came from back up. Raising my head, I watch them run, narrowing my eyes in question. A hospital is pretty hectic, I know that. But in not this section, mostly. Only if something crazy happened to one of the-
Katsuki.
I throw my body back to them, eyes ripping open as much as I'm able to. My heart pounds heavier than ever, the air makes its way in and out of my body as fast as possible. My body freezes, but I know what to do. There's a 1% chance that this incident has anything to do with Bakugou. I know that- and still, this feeling in my chest is so weird. It tells me to follow, to find out. After what I've heard him saying, my brain kind of assents to the thought I have in the back of my head. The thought of Bakugou struggling- with himself. Without realizing, my body makes its own moves and starts running along with the nurses.
„Quicker! Here!" They shout and stop in front of a room, opening it. My heart stops. It's his. His room. It's his room. And the only thing I can do is stand at the end of the hallway, watching the nurses run inside. Slowly, my legs begin to carry me in the direction. What did he do? What happened to him in there? My steps get bigger and bigger, until I start running again. But before being able to look inside the room, a nurse holds onto my arm and stops me.
„You're not allowed to go inside! Please sir, this is an emergency." She explains as clam as possible.
„Let go! This is my boyfriend! That's my boyfriend inside!! What?? What's happening?! Hello!?" I shout inside, but no one responds. Because of all the people, I can't see Bakugou himself. Two men suddenly grab my arms and pull me back.
„Let go of me!! Let go!" I scream with a cracking voice, my eyes filling with tears, when suddenly, the sickbed gets rolled out of the room. Fear is stamped on my face, while I see Bakugou's body laying on top of this sickbed, eyes closed, jaw dropped. „No." I whisper to myself.
Out of nowhere, Aizawa comes running at us, hectic and in panic. He sees Bakugou, touches the bed, then sees me with my pained expression.
„NO! NO!" I start screaming loudly, while the men grab around me tighter and tighter. I try resisting so hard, but it's no use.
„AIZAWA! DON'T- DON'T TAKE HIM! HE'S ALIVE! He's still alive..." The screaming mellows with the last sentence, whining it out. Aizawa's look shows complete pity and sadness. But he doesn't answer.
„Katsuki... KATSUKI!" I keep screaming, trying get out of the grip, while so many nurses stand around the bed and Aizawa talking to one, but being overly distracted by my screams. „HE ISN'T DEAD!" My tears drip in waterfalls, the pain in my throat intensifies. The crying gets so loud, that one man even rattles me, hissing that I should keep quiet. But how!? Is what I see actually true?? Is the love of my life- is he actually dead?
„Bring him to the IV, try resuscitation. Try anything to bring him back! Go! Just do it!" Aizawa shouts to the nurses, who directly start rolling the sickbed away.
„AIZAWA! PLEASE! YOU PROMISED ME SOMETHING! DON'T FORGET IT!" I finally manage to catch his attention. The promise he made. He has to keep it.
„Let him go." He demands to the men and a few seconds later, they let go of my arms and step back. I fall to the ground, hands supporting my weight, while I cough and cry, saliva and tears mixing on the floor. The sobbing makes my body go weak and I'm barely able to keep myself up on my knees and palms. Aizawa steps towards me.
„You promised me... you promised, you promised Aizawa. Don't- I can't live without him. I can't. I'll die. I'll die. Aizawa." My mumbling is directed to the ground, barely audible between the whole sobbing and whining. My face is completely twisted and even hurts from all the whimper. „You promised..." I repeat.
„Kirishima. You're- god, stand up."
„I can't." My whimper gets rougher, I cough out more saliva.
„Transplanting your kidney is such a huge risk right now, Kirishima. You can't just- do it. Don't you understand!? It could be such a waste. He could still die, he could be dead already." I interrupt him with a heavier cry and sob, letting my forehead fall on the cold ground. „You need to understand." Aizawa sounds worried, even scared. But he stays in his doctor role, even after seeing what I just saw.
„No... you promised. Aizawa. Aizawa... It's Bakugou. It's my love. He's my love. I can't... ugh... I can't let him... die."
His hand wraps around my biceps, he pulls me up, but I'm too weak to hold myself.
„You're a wreck. And you're going to kill yourself!"
„I don't care... don't care.. just.. him... save him." I sob inside his chest. His breathing and heart rate increase, he's actually thinking about it. Then, he starts pulling me along.
„What I'm doing is illegal. I could go to prison and it'd be your fault."
„Save him Aizawa... save him!"
„You don't care at all, do you?" His sarcastic tone reaches to my auricle, but I intentionally decide to ignore it. He needs to fulfill his promise. His promise to accept my kidney if anything drastically happens. It doesn't matter what Bakugou thinks. It doesn't matter how risky it is. He promised me to accept it and to save him. To save us. So I really hope that he keeps it.