My heart stops. I'm pretty sure it stops for at least a second before going back to normal.
It is one of two things. Either I am now definitely crazy, as in I've completely lost my mind, either Tiffany did actually, for real, answer the phone.
"Hello?"
Her voice reaches me again. This time, she seems more worried than hesitant. With the phone stuck to my ear, I uncover myself, allowing my eyes to see the light again. I slowly sit up and realize how uncomfortable I am in my coat.
"Shasha?"
My throat feels very dry, and I wonder why. Then I remember that a few seconds ago I was crying, but I've forgotten why I cried, why I called.
"Where are you?" I ask.
Her answer gives me the shock of my life. But I don't dwell on it, the most important thing for me right now is to see her in flesh and blood. I jump out of the bed and run out of the house as if she gave me only a few minutes to reach her before she evaporates again.
When we were still toddlers one of our favorite games to play was hide and seek. She had always been good at it, too good. I remember the day I cried my eyes out because after an hour of searching I was not able to find her. So, I gave up and stood in the middle of the living room shouting her name, and begging her to come out.
"I don't want to play again," I cried. "Titi! Titi!"
She rushed to me out of, I still don't know where, and took me in her arms, where I continued to wail. That was the last day we played hide and seek. Since then, I never agreed to play, no matter how many times she asked.
Standing at the doorstep of her house, I take a moment to pull myself together and catch my breath. The situation feels too unreal. It's been over a month since she disappeared out of the blue.
I press the bell and immediately the door opens. Sam stands in front of me, his head slightly bowed.
"I'm sorry Miss Shannon," he says, barely able to make eye contact with me. "You know I would have told you, but-"
"Where is she?" I cut him off, not caring about accepting his apology in order to make him feel less guilty.
Without another word, he lets me in. My feet lead me to the living room where I see my friend in the middle of it, walk back and forth nervously, as she twirls her long black hair around her finger. It's tied loosely in a low pony tail, she's wearing her favorite black jogging and a plain grey t-shirt. But most importantly, she's not a ghost, neither is she an illusion.
"All this time...," my voice makes her stop and she slowly turns to me. "All this time... This is where you were?"
I'm not able to figure out if I'm angry at her for disappearing, or if I'm sad she didn't come to me, or if I'm simply happy to see her cute face again.
"Sh-Shasha... I mean um... Shannon... uh... I can explain."
I suddenly feel light. It's like a huge burden has just been removed from my shoulders. It had been crushing me for a while, so I guess I got used to it. But now, seeing Tiffany in front of me, alive and healthy, that weight is gone.
I spread my arms wide open as a huge grin appears on my face.
"Just come here."
I don't need to tell her twice. She jumps on me, wrapping her arms around my neck and her legs around my waist, and we fall on the sofa as I lose my balance. We burst into laughter as I bury my face in her hair and I feel her do the same.
"I missed you."
"Really?" She releases me to sit next to me with her legs on my laps.
I nod, not finding any words to add, because nothing can express what I'm feeling right now. Having her near me again gives me the impression that I can overcome anything. I was wrong when I told myself Quincey was the only one I needed. He is important to me, but I need Tiffany in my life as well.
"Titi...," I take a good look at her face, I can't believe she's here. I've looked into her grey eyes more than a million times before yet I have the impression that I'm rediscovering them. I have a new found love for them, they make me think of a beautiful night sky. "Don't ever do this again," I say pulling her back into another hug, well aware of how lucky I am to have her in my life.
We stay that way for a while without saying anything, but after the cramps in our arms and legs make us let go of each other, Sam enters the living room to inform us that diner is ready.
We follow him to the kitchen and he apologizes to me again as he places the meal in front of me. He knows me well. Now, I'm a bit more ready to listen to his excuses.
"It's not his fault," Tiffany intervenes, and gestures for Sam to give us a moment. "I begged him and mum not to say anything," she continues once he's gone. "They were so scared I would disappear again, they agreed to not tell anyone I was back."
"I don't get it," I say after shoving a delicious piece of Sam's succulent chicken in my mouth. "Why force them to keep it a secret? When did you come back?"
"Four weeks ago."
"Huh?!" I almost choke on the sip of water I just took. "Four weeks? Titi!"
"Sorry! Sorry... I thought you were still angry with me."
"So what? You alienated yourself from everyone?"
"Pretty much. I left home for a few days, but I missed mum too much. I decided to come back, but I still couldn't face you knowing what I did to you, knowing how much I hurt you. So, I decided to lay low, at least until you reached out to me. When you called earlier, I thought you butt dialed me. But you called again and again so I thought maybe-"
"Stop stop stop," I put down my fork and knife, then take in a deep breath. "You and I have a lot to talk about."
"Talk about as in? You're not angry anymore right?"
"Angry?"
"Isn't that why you called? Please let us put this behind us Shasha. I've decided not to see Orson ever again, so that's settled."
"What? Are you serious?"
"Yes."
"There's no need to-"
"No. I've made up my mind," her voice is firm and her eyes don't look away from me. "You are more important to me than some guy I met recently."
"How can you say that?"
She doesn't answer and focuses on her food again. While I'm happy to know how much I mean to her, I can't help but feel bad for Orson. What if he's not as important to her as I thought he was? He cares for her so much, doesn't she care for him just as much? Maybe their time together didn't mean that much to her.
"Miss," Sam calls and we both turn to him. "I'm going to take my leave. Your mother should be back from work in a couple of hours. Have a nice evening."
We greet him and after he leaves, we both eat in silence for a few minutes, before I decide to bring up the topic of her boyfriend again.
"Titi, you know Orson likes you a lot."
"That doesn't matter," she replies still with a very firm voice, I didn't know she had.
It appears as though the time she spent apart from everyone has hardened her quite a bit. But I hope it's just my imagination.
"It doesn't matter?"I try to make her mask fall. "As in Orson doesn't matter?"
"Yeah, I don't like him."
"Liar."
"I'm not lying," she retorts.
"Titi, listen, I don't like Orson, so you can have him."
"I don't want him," her voice remains calm.
"No, I don't want him!"
"No," she frowns, "I don't want him."
"Yes you do! You want to be with him, so go ahead, he's all yours."
She sighs and lets go of her cutlery then pushes her plate away with her unfinished meal in it before reaching out to hold my hands.
"There's no need to do that for me," she says.
"I'm not. Trust me, Orson is not my type. I could never be with someone like him, he's way too goody two shoes for me."
"So you're telling me you yelled at me, insulted me and almost hit me for a guy you don't like?"
"Um... It's complicated," I remove my hands from hers. "But I can assure you Orson is the last guy I want to be with."
"Same here."
"Titi stop it!" I stand up briskly. "I'm telling you I don't want to be with Orson."
"I'm not going to be with him either," she says keeping her composure.
"What's that supposed to mean? You really don't like him anymore?"
"What I mean is that while I was away, you are the one I've been wanting to see all this time."
"Didn't you say it was your mum?"
"Ah... yes," she looks away. "Mum and you."
"Are you lying to me or to yourself?"
"I'm not lying."
"Titi."
"Come on," Tiffany grunts a bit, trying to show me that she's fed up of this conversation. "It's been over a month Shasha. Why would I still be hung up on him?"
"So, if Orson stood in front of you right now begging you to come back to him, you wouldn't care?"
She lifts her shoulders a bit then sits on the stool again. Somehow I can't make out what that's supposed to mean, but she doesn't seem to be joking. I walk away to take my phone from the pocket of my coat in the living room, and once I come back I dial Orson's number in front of Tiffany, without forgetting to put the phone on speaker.
"Hello?"
As soon as we hear his voice, I notice her mouth slightly open as she takes in some air. It's difficult for me to tell what's going through her mind. I have no doubts regarding Orson's feelings for her. The sorrowful state he has been in since the day she left says it all. However, now I wonder if Tiffany's feelings are as deep as his.
"Hey Orson," I answer keeping my eyes on her. "What's up?"
"Nothing much," he replies, and with every word he says, Tiffany seems more and more uncomfortable. "I got back home not too long ago. What's going on?"
"Just calling to check on you."
"Heh heh," he chuckles and as Tiffany's eyes look aimlessly around the kitchen, she fidgets on the stool as if it's pinching her. "You called to check on me? Really?"
"Yeah."
"Why?"
"Hmm... Because I felt like it."
"OK Shannon, what's really going on? If this is about my birthday, we've already talked about it. I'm not changing my mind, I don't want anything fancy at all. Like I said... I'm not in the mood."
"I have to go bye."
I cut our conversation short immediately I see the tear that slowly rolls down Tiffany's cheek. Once that lonely tear falls another follows, then another. She lowers her head and uses the back of her fingers to rub her eyes.
I knew it. Simply hearing his voice was enough to put her in this state. I knew it because I remember how I felt when I saw Quincey again after summer holidays. I didn't even hear his voice, I just saw him from afar yet I felt like I was going to break down right there for everyone to see. I acted like it was nothing, like I was fine and criticized everything he did to make me feel better. But my heart was aching.
Tiffany's strong feelings for Orson have not faded away, not even a little, yet she's still ready to put all that behind her for me.
I come closer and hold her gently. Her head rests on my chest and I stroke her hair from the top down, realizing that she has been going through a lot. I feel her pain as if it were mine, because not too long ago it was.
I know exactly how it feels to try to repress feelings you believe are not supposed to be there. I know how frustrating it is to try your best not to think about a certain someone, even though he is all you think about.
"Calm down, it's fine."
"I'm so sorry," she sniffles, her voice barely audible. "Sorry."
"Please stop. I'm the one who should be apologizing Titi. I'm sorry. Because of me, you ran away from the first boy you've ever liked."
"No," she frees herself and stands up to face me, "I'm fine. I really am. You're more important to me than-"
"Oh stop," I roll my eyes.
Without allowing her to reply, I hold her hand and drag her out of the house.
"Wait," she tries to protest. "Where are we going?"
"I have to show you something," I replied.
Right now, nothing matters more to me than relieving Tiffany of the pain she has been enduring because of me.
"But I'm still wearing my slippers," she says.
"Don't worry, we're just going to my place."
******
Since the first day I came back home, every morning when I get up, I take a look at Shannon's window. Sometimes I found myself just staring at it. Her blinds always used to be open, even in the night, but they remained shut for weeks. I wasn't surprised, but it hurt to see them that way. I had become used to them being closed to me, so the last thing I was expecting was to see her, yesterday morning, open them and stare back at me. She got distracted and I immediately hid myself. I was so scared.
When I heard her coming up to my room I panicked even more and rushed under my bed. Her presence in my room took me unawares but what was even more surprising was the person she was with.
I wondered why Quincey would be with her in the morning, but then it hit me, the answer is actually simple. Clearly, it's difficult for him to let her go even though he probably knows about her feelings for Orson.
Poor Quince. He really liked her. I just hope he doesn't get hurt too much, though, knowing him, he probably won't admit defeat.
Shannon seemed to be looking for me desperately, but I didn't know if it was to curse me out, or give me a real slap as she didn't do so the last time. However, it looks like I was wrong, and somehow she has found it in her heart to forgive me.
Once we enter her house, Shannon tells me to wait for her downstairs.
Home sweet home, I think to myself as a little smile curves my lips.
A few moments later, I see Shannon's Dad slowly come down the stairs. His hair is messy and he seems lost in thought. Actually, he looks like a man on death row walking to his demise.
"Hi Mitch," I greet him, but he barely notices me.
He walks past me, like I'm invisible and goes out the front door.
OK... That was weird. Did one of his patients die?
"Found it!" I hear Shannon shout from upstairs.
She rushes down, hiding something behind her back, then drags me to the living room. Whatever it is she found seems to have put her in an excellent mood.
"I just saw your dad," I tell her as we sit on the sofa. "He doesn't look good. Is something wrong?"
She looks away and I get a glimpse of an expression I know too well on her.
"Don't worry about it," she says. "Today, or at least for the remainder of today, it's not about me or my problems."
"So something is going on? What happened?"
"No no, like I said we're focusing on you right now. I have something to tell you."
"OK... What is it?" I furrow my brows, now very curious as to what she's hiding behind her back.
"I know we said we'd never keep any secrets from each other. But I have been hiding something from you for a long time."