Chapter 7
I couldn't do anything but cry. I've spent every day the last week and a half, crying. It wasn't because it felt like me and Collin were broken up, it wasn't because he abandoned me. It was because I felt so alone. Every day I practiced volleyball, and everyday I felt more guilty, that I shouldn't be a mother. I don't deserve this. I don't deserve anything.
Nick hasn't answered my calls, and Sydney is always busy. My parents, I can tell are trying to figure out what's wrong with me.
I think it's the hormones. At least that's what the internet says.
"Tessa." I hear my father say from outside my door.
Crap.
I just threw up nothing, and I ran out of pads, but they were all bloodless, so hopefully my mom isn't psycho enough to look. I can't think of why my father is knocking on my door right now.
Does he know?
"Tessa, let me in please."
"I don't wanna talk right now, dad." I said opening the door, wiping the tears away from my own eyes. "I just want to be left alone, please." I said.
When I opened the door I noticed a bottle of Ginger ale in his hands, and a mint. "I heard you this morning. Maybe you should just stay home from school today."
"I really would, but I can't miss today, I have to go to Montana tomorrow which means I'm already going to miss school. I'm fine I promise, and with this." I grabbed the ginger ale and mint from him, "I'm gonna be even better. Thanks Dad!" I smiled.
"Are you sure you're okay, your eyes are super red. Have you been crying."
I looked at him, "Gotta get ready for school talk to you later okay." And shut the door. I went back to lay down in my bed and wallow.
I went opened my phone for the first time this morning and noticed I had a text notification.
You better be out of your bed in five minutes
That was 3 minutes ago from Sydney.
I'm sad because a mistake I made has blown up in my face more then I expected it too. I thought Collin wasn't going to be happy about me being pregnant, but would take action. But he isn't he's just like every guy I've ever heard about from Sydney and a million other people.
I'm sad because Collin used me. I gave him my virginity and it's been thrown into my face. I can't believe after all this time telling myself I was going to save myself for the right person, save myself for marriage. Might not be for religious reasons but out of self respect for me I was going to wait.
"You're getting your ass out of bed and coming to school. The girl that's going to win us the national title is not going to wallow in her bed over some stupid person. Get up."
I moaned and groaned as she grabbed my arm and pulled me out of my bed. I sat there and lied on the floor. She left me there and went to my closet, grabbing a sweater shirt, and my furry leggings since the snow is piling on.
Tomorrow is the day we arrive, it's game day as well as my 17th birthday. I've never dreaded my birthday more than I have for this one. My 18th birthday I'll have a child. That's about the only thing guaranteed for next year unless of course I miscarry.
"Put these on." She said giving me a whole outfit. Her style and my style is different, and in no way would I ever get this dressed up for school. It's crazy how unmotivated I feel, even when Jason died I didn't feel this depressed and I was deeply saddened about it.
I went into the bathroom and looked at myself in the mirror, my hair is a mess, my breath smells minty after I had that mint, but unbrushed. I haven't worn makeup in at least a couple of days, even at school I just didn't wear makeup and it seems people just thought it was because I was getting ready for the game and didn't want to waste time on it. At least that's what I'm telling myself they're saying.
Asher without fail, has texted me everyday asking me if I'm okay. That I don't look well.
Well duh, I'm throwing up every morning. I don't feel good. I have an appointment with Dr. Tue later this afternoon I had to make sure I had the appointment before I left for a couple of days.
I needed to make sure I can play. I needed to do this. I feel like I would disobey his recommendations to not play if he told me so. The team won't win without me. We all try hard but this is my life. I've spent my whole life to go to a national game and the team we have is amazing, if I am benched, there's less of a chance.
I put the clothes on and my Doc Martin boots. The jeans were a little tight, my stomach just feels a bit bloated like I ate a burger too fast kind of bloat. I brushed my hair, and my teeth. My hair looked dirty so I just put it in a French braid and a beanie over it.
"Perfect." I smiled.
"Now hurry your ass up and let's go." Sydney said. "I'll take you to your appointment you're not driving in this snow storm."
I hate to admit but Sydney and I haven't spoken much. I'm upset she texted Collin, and I don't know how to bring it up to her. This is the first time I've seen her since I had the scare of losing the baby.
"Thanks Sydney." I said to her as I locked the door and her car was in the driveway. Everyone having a vehicle getting them to school while I drive a mini Cooper. It doesn't do well in the Colorado snow. I'm so stubborn I drive it to school in whatever climate I want. I think Sydney's worried I'm going to get into an accident and me, plus the baby will die. So she'd rather not live with out me.
"I'm always worried about you. But you're driving scares me, and even more when it's any weather but clear." She laughed.
We drove to school together, and gossiped just like it was not too long ago before I had all these health scares and finding out I was pregnant. Life has been so confusing, complicated and stressful after that party.
Lying to my parents is making me feel like a horrible person as they have done nothing but support me, and provide for me. It just doesn't feel right to me but I can't tell them I'm not ready to tell them.
I can just imagine the disappointment on their face when I do. My mother will be livid, she'll tell me how much of a whore and disgrace I am. I remember the night my brother, Jason, said he'd gotten a girl, Vanessa pregnant. He was 15 years old. It was weird to think that being so young. She was so angry at him for having sex. Told him he couldn't be apart of that girls life. How disrespectful it was to have sex that young, to be having sex before he was married. I was only 8 years old I didn't know anything that was going on, I just knew how afraid of my mom I was in that moment.
My father was always quiet. I think he was deeply afraid of my mom too. He doesn't want to split up the family no matter how crazy she is or how miserable he is. He is such a stickler for marriage. I hear him every night when something goes wrong pleading for my mom not to divorce him. It's sad really, how weak he is, and just like him I can not stand up to her.
"You know I have to tell you something, Tessa. I've been wanting to tell you for a couple of years now."
"Sydney has a secret!" I smiled, getting excited. Ever since I have known Sydney there isn't anything that Sydney has kept from me and I'm decently surprised she's kept a secret for so long.
"I haven't been able to tell you, but I've been wanting to ever since it started. I just didn't know when the right time was and I think it's time to tell you."
"Go on with it!" I shouted in excitement.
"I don't know how to tell you this, but I'm dating your brother. Almost 3 years now."
I stared at her blankly. She's been dating him since my brother the same year Jason died. That must of been so hard. I don't know why they kept it a secret for so long and that kind of makes me angry but I can't imagine what it was like for Sydney to be so lonely while he was in rehab.
Nic, took Jason's death the hardest. I know I've said this before but Jason And Nic were two polar opposite people. Nic was to go on and be a professional football player at some point in his life. He had, not a career-ending injury, but a significant one right before the college's came out to draft them into their college. He had so many offers.
He still had some offers before the season was over and got to play more, but a week before the big game, that Saturday there was a big pregame party. Jason wasn't at it, but he was on the way to our house. Jason had been told to say at the home until he got big in his career. He was in the band, a drummer. And on the road to be the best one in the decade. I was always amazed when I got to watch his band play. If Jason had to sing though, someone would always replace him but it didn't have to happen much.
But that night, like I had said before, Jason was on his way home to tell mom that he had spent every day with his son Jason Jr. even before he was born. Still saw his girlfriend. He was so joyous, and happy, because she was pregnant again. He was going to move out and start a life with her.
A student of the high school, being at that big party, failed to yield a stoplight. At the same time my brother had the right of way turning onto our neighborhood street. Within three seconds, my brother had no time to slow down, or speed up. That student, going 90 miles per hour in a 35 mph zone. He was so drunk he didn't realize his foot was on the gas paddle instead of the break. He T-boned my brother, and killed him on impact.
A beat up 2009 Toyota Camry Vs a brand new 2015 Hummer. He had no chance. The police showed up at our door a couple hours later, and my mother broke down crying. Nic, he was quiet. I thought he didn't care, they didn't always get along because of their different views on goals. He quickly went into his room and I could hear him punching the wall over and over again. Sydney was staying over that night. I remember.
She then disappeared and it makes since now. She went over to his room, he needed someone.
His fist were so bloody and bruised the next day. No one spoke to each other the next day, probably the next couple of weeks. The funeral was so moving I didn't want to leave the bench hoping they mixed up the name and he would be coming to his own funeral.
Nic missed games, got into drugs and alcohol, and two years ago, I remember him. He had a gun to his head, sitting in the living room. It was just me and him, I had just gotten back from school. I was unsure of where the gun came from but more confused why he had a gun to his head.
He lost every scholarship. Lost his title, he was so skinny from the drugs he was taking and he was sobbing.
"I can't do it anymore." He kept saying while tears streamed down his face.
I didn't know what to do. I was 14 years old. All I told him was that I needed him, I needed him to keep pushing himself to be a role model. I did have the police on call and didn't say anything. Maybe it was wrong but I knew nothing that I said would've made a difference. He also blamed my parents for the accident because if they just accepted the fact he was going to be a father at 15 years old none of this would've happened.
The police took the gun from him, and arrested him. Taking him to rehab for two years. It was Nic's decision he knew he wasn't ready to leave rehab and my mom kept paying them the money. She wanted her baby to be okay, I felt as if she didn't want to lose her other son. I wasn't much to her during that time but a pain in her side. But she had to control almost every move I ever made during that time. I like to tell myself I gave her a distraction.
"It must've been hard for you Sydney. Seeing Nic like that. Not having the career he planned. I'm happy you stuck around this whole time." I said to her, giving her a hug. I had so much love for her, even before the accident. She was everything to me and she always cared for everyone while hating them at the same time.
We got out of her car and quickly scurried inside where it was warm. At first the school was quiet, I knew we were late because of my unwillingness to get ready for school, and the quick interaction in the parking lot, but not late enough to see other students in the hall.
Sydney grabbed me into the gymnasium, and that's where everyone was. Cheering on our volleyball team. This was our victory and they could all tell. I didn't know we were going to have an assembly today, but I also didn't go to school yesterday.
A part of me is afraid I'm going to let everyone down. That I'm gonna be to sick to be able to go to practice, or even play the game. I'm never sick.
And the better part of me is super excited because I love a challenge. We haven't played Montana in a long time this season. It's finally time to play a team that's increased in their level of power.
"Oh my God." I laughed.
I think today is just going to be a pre-celebration assembly. It's exactly what I needed to get my mind off of my very pathetic life.
__
Me and Sydney were waiting in the room so I can get my 6 week check up appointment.
I was in the gown, dressed down. Sydney looked stressed out, and I can imagine since she hasn't been in a room like this since she found out she was infertile a couple of years ago. She had that pregnancy scare when it turned out she just had a problem with her birth control.
"You don't have to be in here if it makes you uncomfortable I didn't mind being alone." I said, "I've taken my medication and I'm comfortable with Doctor Tue. I'm serious Syd."
She looked around, "I'll just be out in the waiting room okay." She said, then rushing out of the room. I just don't think she was ready, and that was totally okay to me. I preferred to do this alone. I don't need her seeing my vagina, or seeing everything I have to go through. I'm sure she'd beat Collins ass for abandoning me.
The famous knock on the door then entering happened faster than it did at the Urgent care department. Dr. Tue and a medical assistant walked into the room. Probably to make sure nothing illegal happens. Or if Collin was here, it was probably to make him feel better.
"Where's the baby's father."
I looked around, and stayed silent for a moment, "I just don't think he needed to be here right now." I laughed, "He lives in Pueblo so I didn't want him to drive all the way over here when it's snowing."
When did I become such a good lier. Now I'm lying to save my embarrassment. I think he knew but could understand what I was doing.
The Medical assistant did all the tests, and examine which I didn't really enjoy at all. The pelvic examine is my list favorite as it's the most uncomfortable.
She didn't tell me any of the results, I think Dr. Tue wanted to go over it and have a conversation with me. I know it because it usually goes a lot quicker than this.
He came back into the room and placed the papers on the counter. "Baby is all healthy." He smiled.
I continued to sit in the upright position while fidgeting with my hands. He scooted closer and I felt like I could trust him. Not in an inappropriate way, it's just he felt inviting.
"What's going on, Tessa." He said.
I looked out the window, and still fidgeted with my hands.
"He didn't want to be apart of this. He left." I said, tears rolled down my face. "I'm not ready for this, and yet I can't leave." I said.
He sat back in his chair leaning against the wall now, "I know you've got this. You're strong for a 16 year old. As scary as childbirth seems, it's not all scary. I deliver babies almost every day if not every week and I see lots of mother just as terrified as you are. You might be my youngest patient I've ever had but I can guarantee that you can do it." He said.
I nodded my head, tears still rolling, "This- this wasn't supposed to happen to me." Pausing for just a moment, "I'm terrified, and now I have to do it alone which scares me even more."
I needed someone to cry to. Someone to give my secrets too. So I can stop feeling like the world is swallowing me whole. There's so much I have to worry about that my anxiety goes from nothing to maximum in such a short time.
"The game is tomorrow and there's so much pressure on me, on the team to win. I just want everything to go perfectly."
"I really don't want you to compete. But I know you're going to, against my better judgement." He laughed.
"I'm going to." I said, "I can't let anyone know there's something wrong with me."
His eyes got bigger, in shock from what I've said, "There's nothing wrong with you, Tessa. You're pregnant you're not dying. I'm concerned because of how thin you are that being pregnant will harm you and could potentially lead to complications. But your wording is inaccurate. Everything will work out."
We talked for a bit more, putting a plan together, and discussing the ways I can keep the baby safe while playing the game tomorrow. I set up the next appointment and walked out. Sydney was waiting for me on the outside of the waiting room, the hallway of the entrance.
"How the baby?" She asked.
"As healthy as can be."
I felt the biggest amount of rage towards Collin on the way out of the appointment and wanted him to suffer, immensely.
I'm so over him.
____
Wow is all.