'Thank you again, aunty...I had such a great time' I told Mr.Hamza's mother on my way out.
'Oh please...I am so glad we met...I wish you could stay here longer...I look forward to seeing you again before I leave' She told me. Mr.Hamza was right behind us.
'Me too...you are so lovely, take care of yourself' I hugged her and went outside. Mr.Hamza said something to his mother before following me outside.
'Mr. Hamza, I have to go to the market, I will go on my own' I stopped to let him know that he didn't have to drop me home.
'I can drop you off at the market' He offered.
'No...it's fine...thank you' I nodded in his direction and turned to leave.
'Are you upset?' I heard him say from behind.
'Why would I be upset?' I stopped but didn't look at him.
'With me' He walked around to stand in front of me.
'Mr. Hamza I don't know that well to be upset with you' I avoided looking at him in the eyes, because I knew I'll say something which I will regret later. I wanted to keep our interaction neutral.
'Why don't you look at me when I am talking to you?' He took a step forward and I automatically moved back.
'Maybe I don't want to look at you' I said right away and walked away from him without waiting for his reply.
'How did it go?' Haya asked me about the visit to Mr.Hamza's house for lunch.
'Okay,' I told her while looking at her homework assignment.
'How was his mother?' Haya was becoming nosy day by day. Her favorite thing to talk about for the last few days was my marriage, my personal life, and Mr.Hamza.
'Why are you concerned? Focus on your homework' I eyed her, but it made no difference.
'Why are so bothered when I ask you about Hamza or his family?' She stared back at me.
'It doesn't...I just don't get why you like talking about him' I pointed out.
'Because something strange happens to you whenever I mention his name in front of you' She returned her attention back to her assignment without saying anything further. I didn't want to find out what she noticed in me, but my curiosity got the best of me.
'What happens to me?' I asked after a while and she smiled.
'You get fidgety' She commented.
'I don't' I spoke up to defend my ego. She didn't reply to me, instead, she continued to smile and work on her assignment, leaving me with a feeling of embarrassment.
'Glad to see you back' Karim Sir greeted me when I ran into him in the hallway days later.
'I am on my way to the class' I smiled at him.
'Good...good, you are doing the right thing, your father would have wanted you to continue your studies' He told me.
'Yes, Haya really help me out. She is the one who encouraged me to continue with my studies' I told him.
'She is a smart girl, I see a lot of potential in her...anyways, I am heading out...Mama might drop by to your house to talk to you' He told me.
'Talk to me? Is everything okay?' I asked him, I hope everything was okay.
'Yeah, everything is fine don't worry...I'll see you later' He excused himself and walked away.
I walked into the class and felt anxious suddenly, maybe because I was away for so long that coming back felt weird. I felt like I missed out on so much. I walked to my usual seat and waited for the class to the start. Mr.Hamza was not in the class.
'Ayat? Hey, ...we heard about your father, sorry for your loss' Junaid, one of my classmate walked over to my desk.
'Thanks' I half smiled at him and he went away. Later, some other students came by and said the same thing along the lines. I could see they felt sorry for me, but I didn't want them too. It made me feel alone, separate from the rest. I opened my journal and started doodling random designs on the clean paper to kill time.
'Sorry I am late...I...' Mr.Hamza entered the room and stopped midway when he saw me. We looked at each other which felt like hours, thankfully one of the students walked up to him to discuss something with him so he looked away from me and walked to his desk.
'Today we are going to do something different...we are going to do a self-reflection. We have spent a lot of time learning the techniques and different concepts of leadership and now I want you guys to write a journal entry. It will be due at the end of the session. I want you guy to write about what you learned in the course, how it impacted in you, how are you going to imply your knowledge in the actual work environment and something that you wish to learn in the last month of the training' Mr.Hamza explained to the class. He showed some examples of the entries and then returned to his desk to let the students start on the assignment.
I took out some clean sheet of lined papers and wrote down the assignment question at the top. Minutes passed but the only thing that remained on the paper was the question. I had so many things to write but couldn't get myself to put into proper sentences.
'Can I submit this online by midnight tonight?' I went to Mr.Hamza and asked.
'No' He looked up and replied.
'I don't know what to write' I told him honestly.
'Figure it out' He fired back. He seemed cold, I wouldn't blame him, I acted rudely towards him earlier when I went to his house for lunch but still, we were in a professional setting, he could have been a little polite. Instead of arguing back, I went back to my desk and decided to give it another try. I managed to write a couple of sentences by the end of the class.
'That's it?' Mr.Hamza gave me a surprised look when I handed in my assignment.
'Yes,' I was about to walk out of the class when he stopped me.
'I want you to redo the assignment' He said to me.
'But I told you earlier...' I started but he told me to wait until the rest of the student's hand in their assignments.
'You are still standing there?' Mr.Hamza turned his head to the side towards me and asked.
'I'll hand in my assignment by tonight' I walked over to his desk to pick up my paper.
'I didn't say you can leave' He stopped me. What was he talking about?
'I want you to stay here and complete the assignment' He commanded.
'I already told you I don't know what to write' I tried to explain to him.
'What don't you understand? It's a simple assignment...have a seat and start over' He sat back on his chair and started working on his laptop.
'This is my submission paper, I want to submit this' I told him. I wasn't in the right frame of mind and wasn't comfortable to be in an empty classroom with him for that long. His presence alone was enough to make me lose my mind.
'I won't accept it' He said without looking away from the screen.
'Why are you doing this?' I demanded from him.
'Because I am your teacher' He said in an authoritative tone. He was really pushing the limits this time. He knew he was being unfair and still wasn't budging to change.
'Fine' I gave in and returned to my spot to continue getting tortured.
'Leave all the questions and answer this one question for me' I heard Mr.Hamza say several minutes later when I looked up from the notebook, I found his eyes on me. How long had he been looking at me for?
'What is your dream Ayat?' He looked in my eyes and asked.
'Do you want me to just answer this question in the assignment...or...' I started to speak but he cut me off.
'Answer me...now' He slowly walked to my desk, grabbed an extra chair from the side of the room and sat down right across of me. His question and the way he said those things to me felt very intimate.
'You know what dream is...it's something that keeps you awake at night, something that you constantly think about...something you want so badly that all your thoughts are only consumed by that one special thing' His words felt like it had a double meaning.
'Are we still talking about the assignment?' I couldn't keep myself from asking.
'It depends on you' He gave me another puzzling response.
'What kind of life do you want to live Ayat?' He leaned closer and placed both of his hands on my desk.
'What are you trying to prove? You are tormenting me Mr.Hamza. You have no right to speak to me like this.' I got up to leave but he grabbed my arm.
'Who has the right then?' He seemed upset.
'Not you...you can't just...' I tried to pull my hand away from him, but his grip tightened around my wrist as he pulled me closer to him.
'I can't what?' He questioned.
'I don't want you to be concerned for me. What I do with my life should not concern you...you want to know what my dream is right? I don't have one...it died with my father. You want to know what kind of life I want to live right? I want a life where I don't feel as miserable as I feel right now...I don't know what else to say...and I am sorry if you were expecting a better answer from me, but I don't have a dream in my life.' I didn't know I was crying until his hands gently wiped away the tears from my face.
'I am not like you Mr.Hamza' I pushed him away and wiped my face.
'You're lying' He half smiled.
'I see ton of dreams in your eyes, they are just hiding behind all these tears' He added while he continued to study my face.
'I don't see such things' I picked up my bag.
'That's because you don't see yourself through my eyes' He said just then, and I froze. How easy for him to speak to me like this? How could he not see how much his words were affecting me.
'I don't want to see myself through anyone's eyes and please stop this...you are making me crazy' I confessed.
'And don't look at me like this' I added.
'Like what?' He continued to smile.
'Like you know me' I reached the door.
'I didn't before but I think now I do...think about what I said, you can hand it the assignment by midnight tonight' I heard him say but I didn't stop. If he was expecting a thank you then he couldn't be more wrong.
'How dare he...how can he speak to me like this...he doesn't even know me...dreams, passion, life goals ...what was he trying to prove that I don't have any goals..that I am aimless...' I was rambling on my own while cleaning my room when Haya walked in and caught me talking to myself.
'Are you okay?' She sounded concerned.
'I hate him...I do...what does he think of himself' I told her.
'Mr.Hamza?' She raised her eyebrow.
'Who else...he thinks he knows me...today...he really outdid himself, he has no manners and doesn't know his limits...the way he questioned me I felt as if he was looking down me...oh, Haya I wish I could tell him how much he bothered me. I hate it' I sighed heavily out of frustration.
'Relax...I am sure it wasn't that bad...he doesn't seem like an awful person' She spoke in his favor. Poor girl didn't even know the real side of Mr.Hamza.
'Oh, but he is...he is just so...he makes me crazy' I told her and opened my computer to start on the assignment.
'I was right...he does make you fidgety' She laughed and went out of the room to watch television.
'Mr.Hamza...you are going to pay for this...I am going to write the most amazing journal entry you'll ever read and you will regret making me feel so purposeless.' I rambled one last time and started on the assignment. Even though I didn't have a dream, I knew my capabilities. I knew that the possibilities were endless, and hopes were still high...even if the stars were not properly aligned.
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Hiyaa!
How ya'll doing? What's happening in your life? I hope everything is going well and things are working out in your favor! *Sending virtual hugs and positive vibes your way*
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I'll see you'all next week! Byeee