The next two days were a crazy blur. I spoke each day as part of a panel that was showcasing new biomedical inventions and stood at a booth doing meet and greets as potential investors stopped by to gather more information about the hearing device. Even though the bulk of the convention attendees were older men and women, I had a fair share who wanted pictures with me or autographs for their kids. I was happy to oblige.
I was with Sadie a lot as I fulfilled my assigned duties. I wished I could say it was like old times, but it wasn't. We were polite to each other, but she kept me at arm's length emotionally. She made it clear our relationship was only professional. At one point I'd asked about her family, and she shut me down cold. Her friendliness the first night had apparently stemmed from the alcohol she'd consumed.
At the end of the second day, Bill called everyone into his suite.
"I have some great news to share," he said with a broad smile on his face. "We've quadrupled our investments in the hearing aid. We can proceed with the trials as soon as we get government approval!"
The room erupted in cheers and bottles of champagne started popping. After the short celebration concluded, most of the group went down to the casino to drink and gamble one last time before flying out the next morning. I wasn't in the mood, so I walked to the elevator to go down two floors to my room. As the door was closing, it reopened and Sadie stepped in. she gave me a weak smile.
"Congrats," I said, smiling at her.
"I owe you a thank you," she replied. "I just heard that you helped secure the other investments."
"No thanks are necessary. I do ask one favor though," I said as we reached our floor.
We both stepped out and started walking towards our rooms.
"What's that?" She asked warily.
"Can you tell me if it works for Tony? I really need to know," I asked.
We stopped at her room, and she seemed to be mulling something over before she spoke. "Do you want to come in and talk?"
"Are you sure?"
She shrugged. "It's been a strange couple of days being here with you, but I think I can handle talking to you alone. I know I've been impersonal, but I had to be that way. You know?"
She unlocked the door with her key card and we stepped inside. I was immediately struck by how the small hotel room smelled like her. It must have been a combination of all the products she used. It was heavenly and made me feel at home, though my actual home had lost her scent long ago.
I took a seat on the small modern loveseat and she sat on a chair across from me. She kicked off her heels and put her feet up on the coffee table. If things had turned out differently, I'd have reached for them to rub the soreness away. I knew how much she hated shoes like that.
"So I'm ready to hear about your life," she said. "It's been over a year. How are you?"
I wasn't sure where to start. After a few seconds, I decided to begin with my career.
"The new album is doing really well," I told her. "It's gotten great reviews, too."
She smiled warmly at me. "It's an amazing album. I love it."
My jaw dropped. "You've listened to it?"
"Of course. I mean, I knew most of the songs already because you played them for me, but I had to hear them together on the album."
"Wow. I'm surprised."
"Why?"
"You broke up with me, got a great job, moved back home. I don't know...I just thought you didn't care about anything that had to do with me," I said.
"Do you think I didn't suffer because I was the one who ended things?"
"It was your decision, so didn't that make it easier?" I asked.
She waited before responding, biting her bottom lip as she thought. "Our break up destroyed me. I'm lucky I had to start my job right away, because that was a bit of a distraction. I was broken, Shawn. There were times when I didn't think I'd ever get over it."
So she was over it now. That hurt me on one level, but it also made me happy for her. I didn't want her to be broken because of me. I decided to change the subject.
"I go back on tour next week. I'll be gone for a good part of the next six months. If Tony is part of the trial, can you send word to me? You can text or call, but if that's too weird, you can always tell Owen."
"I doubt they'll be at that stage by the time you get back, but if anything changes, I'll make sure you know."
"Fuck, it's that long a process?" I asked.
She nodded. "There's a lot of red tape. Plus he has to have a very specific surgery several months prior to starting the trial."
I knew some of this from the panel I'd sat in on, but I assumed things would get going immediately.
"But he knows it's going to happen?"
Sadie smiled. "Yeah. He knows. He's so excited to hear."
"If there are expenses, I'm happy to help," I offered. God knows I'd pay anything to help that kid.
"Thank you, but all of his medical expenses will be covered by the Canadian healthcare network or by Benson since he'll be part of the official clinical trial."
"That's great. Jesus, it's exciting to think of how this could change his life!"
Looking down at her hands she said, "He doesn't hate you, by the way. I never should have told you that. He was crushed when we broke up, but I didn't go into the details with him, or with my parents for that matter. I blamed it on our careers. It was easier than telling them the truth."
"Thanks," I said softly as I stared st the floor.
"And he loved when you signed for him at the festival in Quebec."
My head shot up. "You went?"
"No. My dad took him. I couldn't. It was way too soon."
Knowing that Tony has been there and had watched me sign that song for him made me euphoric.
For the next hour she told me about her life in Ottawa. Her apartment sounded awesome, and I liked hearing about her job and her co-workers. I knew most of them after this trip, but the anecdotes she shared about the doctors and engineers she worked with were amusing.
"I should have offered you a drink from the minibar," she said, standing up after finishing a story how the artificial knee team at Benson was insanely envious of her team's breakthrough and kept pranking them as payback.
"I don't drink much anyway," I told her. "And I should probably get going."
She grabbed a bottle of water and took a drink. "It is getting late I guess."
I wanted to leave before Mark came up. We'd caught up on each other's lives, and it was inevitable that he'd get some sort of mention. I couldn't handle that.
I stood up and stretched. I wasn't used to sitting in one position that long.
"This has been nice," she said as she walked me to the door. "I'm glad we're both doing great."
I wanted to scream, "No!" No, I wasn't doing great. I was no less in love with her now than I'd been before we broke up. Sure I'd healed over time and wasn't the wreck I was at first, but I still missed her and loved her. Here she was, standing in front of me as beautiful as ever, and all I wanted to do was declare my love for her and kiss her. That wasn't an option. She wasn't mine.
I must have waited too long to respond because she furrowed her brow. "Shawn? Are you okay?"
"I, um, need to go now," I said hurriedly.
I opened the door and quickly left before I did something stupid. We'd reconnected and were on okay terms again. If I'd done what I wanted, that would have been destroyed. I walked to my room and went inside. Running my hands through my hair, I paced around the room. Fuck. Why couldn't I move on? Why did I still love her so desperately? I started to laugh when I thought about how insecure she'd been at first. She was so damn sure I'd find someone else, someone better than her, and I'd break her heart.
"Look how wrong you were, Sadie!" I said aloud to my empty room. "You always thought I'd want someone else! Guess what? I could be with almost anyone but I don't want them. I still only want you!"