Yoongi had spaced out from his conversation with Alex, looking at his ceiling thoughtfully while he dreamt about the possibility of a relationship with her. It seemed like it would be as easy as fucking breathing and the more and more he thought about a relationship where he didn't have to worry about bitterness or jealousy, the more he craved it. The swooping sound from the messenger brought him back to reality and he glanced back down at the screen, readjusting himself to get comfortable so he could continue listening to her story about her ex.
[Received at 9:00 PM]: August, were you the one who sent me the ask about cheating? The one from the list?
Yoongi bit his lip and wondered if he was in trouble. Yes, he had sent the ask separate from his usual questions in hopes that it would make him seem like he wasn't nosing into something she had briefly discussed with him. And yes, that was a bit dishonest. However, Yoongi had already promised himself he wouldn't lie to her if he could avoid it, so he wasn't about to. Truthfully, he had thought that she didn't suspect him since so much time had gone by.
[Sent at 9:01 PM]: yes. i wanted to know more of how you felt. im sorry.
[Received at 9:01 PM]: No, it's alright. I just wanted to know if it was you...did I say what you wanted to know?
Yoongi paused to think about it. Was he still curious? That was obvious to him, he wanted to know what she went through. He wanted to know more about the things that made her who she was. He wanted to know her better than any other person could claim to know her.
[Sent at 9:02 PM]: i just want to understand you and what you have been through. i wanted the whole story. what you felt. how you feel now.
[Received at 9:03 PM]: The whole story...alright. I think we know each other well enough for this. I'll sum it up and maybe talk more about getting through it, cause I think you've been able to piece a lot of it together.
[Received at 9:03 PM]: So...I met a girl when I was fourteen. At first, I disliked her. She intimidated me and I was jealous of her. But once I got some preconceived notions of who she was out of my head, we became really fast friends. We spent the next many years as best friends. Close.
[Received at 9:06 PM]: I think on some level I always knew I was bisexual, but she really brought it out on a conscious level and one day I confessed to her. She was unsure at first, but then agreed to try dating. And our relationship went from shy and closeted to serious and long-lasting. We were together for five years, from the time I was seventeen until this year. Her mom hated me, but I didn't care. I loved her and at the time I had no idea how to love myself, so I poured everything I had into loving her.
[Received at 9:09 PM]: By the time four years went by, I was set on her. Sure as anything that she was my person. We built this whole future together and it gave me security. Even if the worst of the worst happened, she would be there. At the time, I was going through one of my worst episodes of depression. She was the only good thing left.
Right about now, Yoongi was thanking Alex for giving him a bit of time to read between each paragraph and honestly, he was just throwing everything into a translator because he didn't want to fall behind. It was making him feel much more involved that she gave him the time to read each section.
[Received at 9:12 PM]: No one knew that though. Of course, I kept it well hidden. My other best friend had moved far away and I wasn't doing well in school. I got caught up in this really fucking disgusting situation with a professor and a serious abuse of power and soon enough I was failing all my classes because I couldn't get out of bed.
[Received at 9:15 PM]: One day my girlfriend asked me to consider taking some time out of my schedule to meet a friend from college that she was really close with. I wanted to support her, so I put the time aside and agreed to hang out and play pool. I'm not really a social person but I tried my best to seem pleasant and not socially anxious. However, the whole time I was there, this girl gave me some seriously bad vibes. She kept asking me "why can't we be friends?" and "why don't you like me?" even though I never said anything of the sort. I assumed that maybe my shyness was a bit extreme and I seemed cold. I even felt bad because I thought I made her feel like she wasn't likeable. And then two weeks later my ex told me she had cheated on me with that girl.
[Sent at 9:17 PM]: wait wait wait...
Yoongi had to take a second. He really had to fucking wrap his mind around this because, if he understood correctly, Alex's ex-girlfriend had brought her to meet the girl she had cheated on her with over a friendly game of pool. What the actual fuck? He couldn't even picture someone actually doing that and he had met some pretty shitty people throughout his life.
[Received at 9:17 PM]: Yeah, you read it right. Whenever I tell someone that this happened, they pretty much have that reaction. I felt sick for a week after I found out. I couldn't fucking comprehend how someone who said they loved me could put me in that kind of situation. I felt like I was there for their amusement so they could have this inside joke that was like "hehe we fucked and she doesn't know. *insert high-five here*." It fucking sucked. I felt used, sick, and humiliated. I'm not even sure if I will ever be able to trust people the same after that.
Anger. He felt a lot of anger and he had some fucking choice words that he wished he could spit at this ex-girlfriend. Whatever was going on behind the scenes that caused her to be dissatisfied could never even shape up to be an excuse large enough to cover such disgusting behavior. He had trouble thinking of a worst way to bring up cheating than what she did.
[Sent at 9:19 PM]: alex i dont think you have to worry about someone doing that again. dont shut people out. it just lets the pain she caused control you.
[Received at 9:20 PM]: You are consistently full of good advice, August. Thank you. Honestly, I think more than anyone else you have taught me that not everyone has bad intentions for me. You are good to me.
Yoongi smiled when he read that because he believed that she found what he said helpful. He worked to reply quickly because he wanted her to continue telling him her story.
[Sent at 9:21 PM]: i just want you to be happy. go on.
[Received at 9:21 PM]: To go on with the story...when she told me she cheated on me, she cried and sobbed. I actually comforted her. I had no emotions at the time, everything was so...it was so fucking surreal. I felt like I was dreaming.
[Received at 9:25 PM]: I tried to be okay with it. I tried to work past it, but as time went on everything was just collapsing around me. Everything I was secure about felt unsteady. The last thing that had me breathing correctly felt like it was a huge fucking lie and suddenly the depression hit me full force and I spiraled hard.
[Received at 9:28 PM]: I tried to kill myself. I was about a step away from my death at one point, one leg over the edge of the railing on a staircase in the library, top floor. As I looked down at the bottom floor, nothing mattered anymore. The fact that my mom's brothers had committed suicide didn't make me stop and consider what throwing myself from that staircase would do to her. My life just seemed ruined to me, everything I had pictured for my future was falling down piece by piece like a fucking Jenga tower. I couldn't breathe right and I just felt so tired of taking beatings.
It felt like someone put a wrench on his heart and clamped it tight before twisting. It was almost impossible to imagine a world where he didn't meet Alex despite how little time they had spent together. He held his breath as he imagined that horribly crippling depression he had been experiencing before he met her. Now that he had the hindsight, he was sure it was her company that helped ease him out of it. If her last reserves of strength had given in and she had jumped, he was sure he still wouldn't quite feel right. He'd be at square one, just like he was when all of this had gotten started.
[Sent at 9:30 PM]: alex are you better now?
[Received at 9:31 PM]: Yeah. I managed to find my way back.
[Received at 9:31 PM]: The only thing that actually stopped me that day was the fact that when I looked down at the ground floor, I saw a student pacing. He was reading out of a text, just pacing back and forth. Suddenly, I realised it was April 10th and he was studying for finals. If I jumped and landed down there, it would have hurt him. He probably wouldn't have been able to take his exams, setting him back. It would have scarred him for life...he could have nightmares about the girl falling to her death right next to him. I know I would have. I just couldn't do that to another person.
[Received at 9:33 PM]: No matter how many fucking scars she had laid into me, I couldn't find the last ounce of selfishness I needed to pitch myself over. I just couldn't fuck up his life like my life was fucked up, so I stopped myself, carefully got myself to the bottom floor and then took a bus home. I got to my bed in my room and just cried for a couple of hours until I couldn't really do it anymore. After that I messaged my friend who had moved and he helped me.
[Received at 9:36 PM]: He immediately planned a visit to see me and when he was here I told him about what happened. I remember the look in his eyes and how he said he was so disappointed in her. I remember as he looked me in the eye and said "you and her are happier together then you will be apart, you need to work through this, Alex." So I tried for about three months.
[Received at 9:39 PM]: I spent the summer pulling myself back together but by the beginning of July I just couldn't live pretending that I trusted her and that everything was fine anymore. So, I broke up with her.
[Received at 9:40 PM]: I realised it was the first step to fixing me was making myself feel like there was more again. If I wanted to get the future I wanted back, I needed to cut her out of it. I remember calling her because I was a fucking coward. I knew if I saw the way she cried I wouldn't be able to go through with it. So I had to do what was best for me, even if it inconvenienced her. During the conversation I told her the only way I could continue is if she assured me she wouldn't cheat on me again, if she could just stay loyal to me.
[Received at 9:43 PM]: It got so silent on her end that I couldn't even hear her breathing anymore. I truly knew right then that there was nothing more I could do, so I just let everything go. When I got off the phone, I felt empty and like I had made a mistake. I wanted to apologise to her but I stopped myself. It would have been beneath me to beg for her. I kept telling myself that every day.
[Received at 9:46 PM]: I think from here you know the rest. My best friend moved back to our city, she turned my friends away from me, I started talking to Jess again, I met you and then my ex immediately started fucking my best friend when he ended up living with her.
[Received at 9:47 PM]: The pathetic thing is that they lied to me and felt like they couldn't tell me they were seeing each other. They lied to me for months. The guy who said he was so disappointed with her for breaking my heart jumped at the first chance to fuck her when she was drunk. My ex looked at my best friend and decided that she wanted him despite all the shit she had put me through. Out of all the fucking people she could have had. She took my very last support pillar and didn't give a fuck.
At this point, Yoongi felt this story was almost stupidly dramatic and he could understand why Alex felt so tired and done. He just wanted her to come to Seoul. He wanted to introduce her to six people who would never do this shit to her. He wanted to hand her a future where she could finally just forget the people who were tearing her apart. It would start with studying abroad and continue onwards if she made the decision to stay; he hoped she would.
[Received at 9:50 PM]: No matter what anyone tells you, it's not cool to fuck your best friend's ex. What's even worse is fucking dating her. We still play League together and whenever I hear him call her sweetie, it makes me so fucking angry. I trusted both of these people for years and years, considered them my closest friends and they did all that shit to me. You don't fucking do this to someone you called your best friend.
[Received at 9:52 PM]: I just want to escape all this shit, I want to get very far away and if I am completely fucking honest with you, it's why I have been trying so hard to get this opportunity to study abroad...but then I met someone online who lives in Seoul, someone who took my mind off of how hurt I was. And suddenly I was counting other reasons to get this scholarship.
[Received at 9:54 PM]: Thank you, August...I think without you, I wouldn't be ready to make a leap of faith like this. I wouldn't have moved forward, I would still be constantly crying every day. Thank you. You have genuinely made my life better.
He made her life better. Yoongi felt warm as he read that, like there was a pleasant heat in his chest, swelling and expanding. Truthfully, the feeling wasn't completely foreign. He had been experiencing it ever since he met the other members of the group; they had all built a relationship with each other that felt wholesome and supportive. He knew without a doubt that he made their life better and they did the same for him. He wanted that for Alex. He wanted her to have a healthier life.
[Sent at 9:56 PM]: youre welcome alex. you have made mine better too. i like that we met. you make me happy.
Alex did make him happy and she did make his life better. Truthfully, his life was already good, but in so many ways she just felt like an improvement. She did something for him that he hadn't felt in some time from a stranger; she made him feel normal, like another person with valid feelings and emotions. Yoongi hadn't realised it was something he wanted until she gave it to him. She made him feel like Min Yoongi and it was nice.
[Received at 9:57 PM]: I remember when I answered the ask I said something like it being an incredibly shitty experience, but do you want to know what fucking sucked most about being cheated on?
[Sent at 9:58 PM]: what?
[Received at 10:00 PM]: How insecure it made me. I spent the better part of seven months wondering why I wasn't good enough. Why the only person who had ever loved me suddenly didn't think I was worth loving anymore. It just tore me down.
[Sent at 10:02 PM]: there is nothing wrong with you. she didnt cheat because of you. she cheated because of her.
[Received at 10:03 PM]: I know that now, but at the time I didn't. I just felt so fucking unloved and worthless. Our five years together meant nothing to her, I meant nothing to her. It just hurt so badly, August. I felt used and humiliated.
[Received at 10:04 PM]: It was almost like one of those pranks from high school where the popular kid befriends the loser and then after a couple months they're like "Psych! Got you. I actually hate you!" except it was "Psych, I never loved you!"
[Received at 10:06 PM]: I felt like a fucking idiot. I loved her so much that I had practically tore out my own heart and handed it to her...I guess something about it had become ugly because she didn't want it anymore. In the end it was all like some kind of joke.
[Received at 10:05 PM]: I think that is what tore me up the most. I wanted her to still want me. I prayed that she would get over whatever fucking issues she was having and find a way to love me again. It was a bit pathetic really.
[Sent at 10:06 PM]: not pathetic. you lost someone you loved. you just wanted them back again.
[Received at 10:08 PM]: But it was pathetic, because I only wanted her to love me again because I was afraid that what I had with her was the most I could ever have. Even though she didn't really fucking love me as much as she said she did, I remember how it felt when I thought she did. I was afraid I would never find that again, that someone who lied and cheated on me was the most I could ever have. I remember thinking on so many occasions that no one would ever love me the way she did...
[Received at 10:10 PM]: To be honest, it's still something I worry about. What if I am not enough to ever have more than someone who lies and cheats? What if I am just not enough to have something genuine?
How the fuck was Yoongi even supposed to approach this? What was he supposed to tell Alex to make her feel better? He knew that she was enough. She was more than enough. But how could he tell that to her when he knew he didn't have a definitive reason for the way he thought other than it was just something he innately knew. She was more than enough and too good for so many people; on some days, he wondered if maybe she was too good for him. She was gentle and kind and he had been lying to her for months.
Yoongi scratched at the back of his head and took in a deep breath, letting it out as a long sigh. He looked down at his phone and just decided to go with his gut feeling. He didn't want Alex to think she wouldn't ever be loved by someone decent.
[Sent at 10:13 PM]: alex someone good will love you. they will put you first. they wont cheat. they will love you and wont lie.
[Received at 10:14 PM]: But how can you say that for sure? How do you know that someone who is actually going to actually treat me like another person will come along and actually fall in love with me?
Yoongi began to type without thinking and he had to stop himself from sending the message as his eyes went slightly wide. He just stared at the text as he read it over and over again while his stomach kindly decided to squirm around inside of his body. He felt a bit like he was falling and there was an odd tingling sensation in his fingertips. He felt nervous.
New Message: because i think i already did.
He couldn't send that to her. He couldn't. Yoongi had no idea if she was even coming to Seoul and he just couldn't tell her something like that while she still thought his name was August. It felt wrong somehow. He erased the message and took in a breath, trying to think of something that he could write that would truly help her. He bit his lip and went with the only thing that seemed alright.
[Sent at 10:17 PM]: because ill keep all the losers away when you get to seoul so only good people get through.
[Received at 10:18 PM]: You're sweet. Thank you, August. I feel a bit better about all of this.
[Sent at 10:19 PM]: im glad. i want you to be happy.
[Received at 10:20 PM]: August, I want you to know that even if I don't get the scholarship, I'm still going to come to Seoul to visit. I'm going to work my ass off this summer and save up some money.
[Received at 10:20 PM]: I just really want to meet you.
[Sent at 10:21 PM]: me too. i cant wait. i think you are going to love it here.
[Received at 10:21 PM]: I know I will. Anyway, I need to go out and run some errands. Thank you for listening to me.
[Sent at 10:22 PM]: always.