I now sat there, on the ground in amongst the gravel and the leaves from the hedge with my legs still tucked up beneath me and my arms wrapped around my poor sore and painful body.
Tears streamed down my face as I tried to comfort myself within my own embrace.
What had happened tonight was truly terrifying.
What could have happened didn't dare thinking about.
It was strangely quiet now with a stillness and a serenity that somehow seemed comforting to me.
My breathing was much calmer too, although my body ached from so much pain and my head hurt with such confusion and so many unanswered questions.
How someone, who I had considered a true friend to me was able to act like that was beyond comprehension.
Why did he do it?
How come he had turned so nasty?
Had the alcohol he'd drunk changed him into some kind of a monster?
Or had he always been like that and just hidden it well?
Maybe he'd purely been an opportunist, who just spied his chance to get laid at any cost.
I shuddered at the thought of all these scenarios.
How could I have been so very stupid as to have even trusted him though, in the first place.
He didn't deserve my trust whatsoever.
He certainly now did not deserve my friendship!
I wiped the back of my hand across my nostrils for within my tears I felt my nose was also running but as I then looked at my hand afterwards I noticed a distinct colouration from the moonlight.
It was blood.
My nose was now bleeding and when I looked down at my arms and legs, I could also see scratches, bruises and blooded marks all over them.
I then reached up and touched tentivily at my head.
Ow, that bloody hurt.
I could feel a lump on it the size of a large egg and knew that there was also blood in my hair, for it felt sticky and gelled together.
I was an absolute wreck and I also felt rather stupid.
As I sat there, trying to make sense of it all, from out of the darkness, I heard someone shout my name followed by the sound of footsteps coming down the path towards me. I huddled closer to the hedge. I wasn't sure if it was Sarah or my Mother. I hoped it was the latter.
"Gwen where are you?". The voice shouted out. "Are you out here?".
I sighed deeply and realised that it was indeed my sister who was shouting out my name.
I shuddered as I didn't want my oh so perfect younger sister to see me like this. But on the other hand I wanted to be found. I felt so vulnerable and weak and scared and humiliated.
I just wanted to curl up and hope that the whole awful experience could just be forgotten.
I sat still, trying my hardest not to move. I even tried to breath quietly too. If she did find me, well that would be alright, but I preferred that she didn't.
I listened as her footsteps began to walk away, back towards the house again as I then allowed myself to exhale deeply.
I wondered for a moment what she would now be telling our parents. Maybe they would just presume that I had gone off in the car with Ashcroft.
I looked down at myself.
Not dressed like this though.
I was only wearing a dressing gown and a pair of Mothers old slippers.
I got unsteadily to my feet and looked about me.
The moon looked so wonderful and bright. It was just so magnificent and the light it was emitting gave everything such a magical glow. I could also see everything so clearly as well for it wasn't at all dark, even though it had gone well beyond midnight.
I took a big breath and decided that there was really only one being that I now needed to see at this very moment and I needed to see him straight away.
I began to walk, pulling the dressing gown tighter around me as I did so and quickly glancing up at the lighted kitchen window as I went past.
I was now on the little pathway that ran along the side of my Father's garden. As ever it was vastly overgrown and I quickly realised that my footware as well as my attire was not really very practical for roaming around the countryside in.
Nevertheless. I carried on with my lone trek to find the one thing that I knew would never judge me, never intentionally harm me and would certainly always be there for me.
I reached the gate to the field where I knew he would be and scanned my eyes through the darkness to try and locate him.
I could see shapes moving about, heads down oblivious to me standing here, so I didn't want to startle any of them. But try as I might, I couldn't make out which one was mine.
I screwed up my eyes, wondering if that would help me to locate him, when suddenly I heard a low, deep blowing sound from my right hand side.
"Serious!". I gasped, as his dark shape moved forward.
I smiled at the beautiful creature who had been stood right by me all along. It was just as if he'd known that I needed his comfort and security right now and I wrapped my arms around his neck in appreciation.
The strange thing was, I could not speak to him. Usually I was able to tell him everything, but I just couldn't find any words to express how I was now feeling.
Everything was just too terrible.
So I just continued to hug him tightly, breathing in his wonderful animal aroma as I held onto his muscular, strong neck.
It felt so wonderful, standing here in the bright moonlight with this beautiful animal and I began to realise that this is where I probably truly belonged. That I should never go back to London. Just leave everything behind and stay here. Find another life for myself and do something completely different.
I don't know how long I stayed there like that, but he was very patient and kind allowing me just to stand beside him and not having to explain anything. I did however apologise over and over about my inability to tell him what had happened, but if I said it out loud, even if it was just to Serious, I then would have been admitting to myself, just how stupid I had been and I was not fully prepared to admit that yet.
I had enough to contend with as it was, without adding to the fact that I had been really rather stupid as well.
The lovely big horse, had now began to graze at my feet. The distinct lack of treats had proved that I now held little interest to him and so he was keen to do something more worthwhile.
I sighed deeply, rubbing at his mane lovingly.
"I suppose I should be getting back". I sighed. "But I don't really want to. How am I going to explain myself aye? Any ideas?". I whispered.
Serious continued to graze as I now smiled at him.
"No, me neither". I rubbed at his neck again.
Then after planting the lightest of kisses onto his neck, I turned away from him and climbed over the gate, back onto the small overgrown path.
I'd only stepped a couple of paces when I was very suddenly freaked out by a small moving light coming towards me.
I gasped inwardly and my heart began to race as I froze in my movements. It was a small light coming from a torch and was getting nearer as I could now hear the cracking and rustling of twigs and branches and leaves.
I stood there, watching and listening as it continued to get closer to me. I knew for sure it wasn't a dog walker, I mean who would be out at this time of night, walking a dog!
But it could be Ashcroft coming back!
He did have a torch after all!
Fear surrounded my poor, bruised and terrified body as I looked around for a possible escape route.
But there was none, as thick set brambles and briers and tree trunks were all around me. The only possible way out was back to the field from where I'd just come from.
Instinctively I began to step slowly backwards.
If it was Ashcroft returning, I would need to run and run away quickly.
But he wouldn't come back now, would he?
Anyway he didn't know this place existed, unless he'd gone to the house first and asked my Mother where she thought I'd gone.
Oh, God! Of course that very likely could have happened!
She had done it with Alan when he had come looking for me!
She wouldn't think twice about telling Ashcroft!
I grew scared as I continued to step backwards, not daring to turn around and run away for I had to keep a close eye on that light, which was getting ever closer and closer.
Suddenly it shone right into my face and for a terrifying moment I was blinded. In panic, I stepped back a bit too quickly, tripped over something on the ground and ended up in an undignified heap.
Immediately I tried to scramble away, moving my hands and feet across the ground. I'd suddenly lost a slipper too and the brambles, twigs and dirt on my hands and on my feet were proving too hard to move across, plus the length of my dressing gown kept holding me back.
I started to breath very heavily for I was truly terrified, but also almost frozen by fear.
That was until I heard a very familiar, female voice saying :
"What on earth are you doing down there?".
I breathed a heavy sigh of immense relief, as I put a hand up over the top of my eyes to shield them from the bright torchlight.
"Sarah". I said in relief, "Oh, my God! Thank goodness its you".
"Well of course it's me". She sighed, "Who were you expecting.... The bogie man?".
She reached out with a hand and helped to pull me back up.
"How? How did you find me?". I said, attempting to brush off the leaves and crap that had attached themselves to the fluffyness of my Mother's dressing gown.
Sarah watched my actions with bemused interest.
"Wasn't that difficult really". She shrugged. "Whenever there's a trauma going on in your life, you always end up here, speaking to that damned horse of yours, as if you really believe he can help and guide you".
I gave a little smirk.
Sarah could never understand my fascination for horses. In fact, Sarah never understood anything that I was even remotely interested in and that definitely included acting.
That aspect of my life was something that she really found extremely hard to fathom out. In her opinion, why on earth would I want to pretend to be somebody else, even if it was only for an hour or so.
Sarah was a very structured sort of a person. Getting lost in a book or a film or even a play was just not her thing.
Unlike me, she was not a dreamer.
We were so far removed from one another, it would seem that we weren't really sisters at all!
My stomach twisted and my mouth formed itself into a hard line, rather suddenly.
Sarah seemed to notice and so tilted her head sidewards and frowned.
"I'm surmising by your expression that he didn't give you any words of advice then?". She asked, nodding her head towards the gate behind me.
I glanced around at it and then smiled ruefully.
"Um.... No, no he didn't". I answered her, half heartedly.
"May I ask then, just what you think you are doing out here, dressed so inappropriately?". She then asked.
"I came to see Serious". I said, still haphazardly brushing myself down.
"Well, I gathered that much". She said, curtly.
There was a moments silence as Sarah continued to stare at me.
"So?". She asked presently, "Are you going to explain to me what exactly was going on in the lounge just now? ".
I looked up at her.
Her face was stern.
"Or should I just guess". She went on.
I blinked at her. My throat was tightening and I felt quite nauseated. I knew what she was probably thinking, that it was all just purely consensual and we were just taking advantage of the empty house.
Nothing could be further from the truth.
Ashcroft was the only one taking advantage and it was of me!
Thinking about it, I suddenly began to feel very sick.
"Maybe we should just go back now". I said, swallowing hard and looking away from her questioning gaze.
But Sarah just continued to stare.
"Where's he gone now then?". She asked.
I shrugged my shoulders, still not looking up.
"So you had a fight?". She persisted.
I swallowed again.
"Something like that". I muttered.
"And is he coming back?". She asked.
I shook my head.
"I wouldn't think so". I answered, touching lightly at the bump on my head, as if I needed reminding why I never wanted to see that man again.
Sarah gave a loud sigh.
"Mum and Dad are quite worried you know". She said, "Oh, of course they're trying not to show it, but they are".
"Worried? About what?". I frowned.
"Well you...... You dipstick". She half laughed, "You and your weird phone call to Dad this morning, all cryptic and mysterious".
My stomach lurched.
"Oh..... That". I said, feeling slightly embarrassed.
"But we all guessed what it's about anyway". She went on.
"You.... Have?....I mean... You know?". I asked, feeling my face turning red at her apparent calmness.
"Yeah, well it doesn't take a genius to work that one out". She smirked. "And yes, it would now appear that we were correct after all in your hurried visit back here".
I stared hard at her. She just seemed so very calm about it, as she just stood there looking at me.
She then grinned.
"I do know all about it you know". She added. "I'm not that nieve as not to know all about these sort of things".
I opened my mouth in shock.
"You..... You do?". I asked.
"Of course I do". She laughed, "What did you expect? For me not to know anything?".
I gulped in shock, then I took in a breath.
She had now turned off the torch and it was just the moonlight that was lighting up our respective faces.
I studied hers carefully.
It was no surprise that out of the two of us she had always been the favourite with Father, that was apparent early on. Although he would, of course deny it. But it was so plain for all to see.
They were extremely similar in their ways, their interests and of course they shared the same sense of humour, laughing at things that everyone else around them couldn't understand.
It enabled them to form the strongest of bonds and whist I studied the arts, watched endless films and read books, they would be trying to solve academic problems and trying to put the world's to rights in their own inventive ways.
Of course I realised now, why that was the case.
She being his only biological daughter, but how long had Sarah known about me?
Had she found out or been told?
Had she actually known for a long time?
Maybe that was the reason why she was now so calm about it all.
Maybe they were actually all relieved that I now knew.
I swallowed hard, then took in a deep breath.
"So...... what are your feelings about it?". I asked cautiously.
Sarah shrugged.
"Doesn't really bother me one way or the other". She answered. "It's you it really concerns. You're the one who has to deal with it all".
I nodded my head in agreement. She was right of course. She hadn't anything to deal with. Her world hadn't been turned upside down, nor had she just very nearly been raped!
I looked at her and suddenly envied her existence.
It seemed to me that with every trauma and problem I had, she equally had none.
This was so unfair.
Suddenly I felt a wetness land onto my hands.
Oh God, my nose wasn't bleeding again was it.
I quickly looked down at them, turning them over in a state of panic.
I didn't really want her to see what a pathetically, sorry state I was really in beneath this dressing gown.
"It's raining". She offered, noticing my strange actions.
"Really?". I frowned, looking upwards towards the sky and noticing that the moon was still fully bright and illuminating.
"Are you sure?". I asked.
The wetness was becoming more and more and I could feel it now against my head.
"We should be going now". Sarah said, beginning to walk away, putting on her torch once again, to light the path.
I looked down at the floor, trying to locate the lost slipper and noticed all the leaves and foliage around me getting decidedly damper.
It was indeed raining and now quite heavily as well.
"Come on, I'm getting soaked here!". Sarah yelled, just ahead of me.
I continued to look for the mislaid slipper as I could now feel the rain penetrating through the dressing gown and onto my skin beneath.
I looked up once again.
The moon was still shining brightly.
This was so odd.
Where was the cloud? Why hadn't it covered up the moon?
Finding the slipper, I pushed my dirty, wet foot inside of it and sloped off to catch Sarah up, who typically hadn't decided to wait for me.
"Why did you come?". I asked her suddenly, as I caught her up.
"What?". She almost snapped, without even turning round.
"Tonight". I went on, "Why did you come looking for me?".
There was silence from her for a moment, as we carried on walking. Then I heard her take a breath.
"I didn't trust him". She said quietly.
I stared at her, unable to speak.
"Oh I know you probably think the world of him and you love him and adore him and want to be with him forever and ever, you know all of that sort thing but........"
She hesitated.
"But I really didn't like him". She then put her hands up into the air.
"And I know what your argument is going to be, I have only just met him, wait till you get to know him.... Blah... Blah. But there's just something about him I just don't like". She went on.
I took in a breath, nodding my head, strangely in agreement with her, although she could not see me.
"Plus". She went on, " I saw the broken glass and the fallen bottle on the floor in the lounge".
She then gave a deep sigh.
"Either you were both in the throes of unexhilerated passion as of not to notice it or........ you had a fight".
I swallowed hard at her, knowing how close she was to the truth.
We had now left the path and the relative shelter that the trees had been giving us from this heavy downpour and Sarah had now stopped, so that I was able to come alongside her.
" So, which one was it. I'd guess it was the latter. You had a fight, didn't you? That's why you ran out after him, am I right?". She asked.
I looked down and nodded my head.
She had got it sussed out, such was her clever if slightly devious mind.
"I've known for him years". I began to sniff. "We were good friends".
Sarah moved forward.
"And now he's done this to you". She said quietly.
Then she gave a deep sigh.
"Sometimes we trust people too much".
I nodded my head, sadly.
She was right there.
I had trusted Ashcroft far too much.
"I think we'd better get you inside and get you cleaned up a bit". She suggested, looking at me up and down and noticing my rather dishevelled appearance.
She then lightly grabbed hold of my left arm and I winced suddenly at her touch.
"Sore?". She asked.
I nodded but appreciated her apparent concern for me.
This was quite unlike my sister, who was always the stiff upper lip you'll be alright kind of person. To see this side of her was strangely curious.
"Thanks". I then said to her as we walked towards the house together.
"For what?". She asked.
"Coming out here to find me. In the rain". I smiled, as she helped me up the garden path.
"It wasn't raining when I first came looking for you ". She pointed out.
I looked down and smiled.
Before a thought suddenly struck me!
"Mum and Dad! What are we going to tell them? I don't relish the thought of going through the Spanish inquisition just yet!" I gasped.
"Oh don't worry about them. They went to bed long since. Kept going on about what a nice young fellow you'd brought back with you this time. Made me chuckle really to think that you make a habit of bringing guys back here". She laughed.
"Well, as a matter of fact........". My voice trailed away, as I saw the expression on her face.
"Anyway". She went on dismissively. "They were pretty pleased that he appears to be well off financially so if it's not going to work out between you both, at least it's a fair assumption that you'll be well supported".
I turned to look at her and frowned.
Supported?
I knew I had told my Father I'd decided to give up my acting career, but that didn't mean I needed supporting by Ashcroft, my parents or anybody else.
I'd just find another job somewhere.
Another washing up job if necessary!
It did seem rather an odd thing to come out with. But at the end of the day, my sister was kind of strange. Clever, but strange.
She'd obviously got hold of the wrong end of something or another and had clearly made up her own assumptions.
To be honest, I couldn't have cared what she really thought.
At this moment, I felt just so utterly exhausted.
What I now needed was a nice comfortable bed as my body was crying out for sleep and lots of it too.
Approaching the front door, I suddenly stopped, pulling Sarah to a hault also.
"What's the matter now?". She asked in frustration. "I'm getting soaked stood here".
"Don't you think it's strange though". I said, looking back up to the sky.
"That the moon still isn't covered by any clouds at all, yet its raining really hard".
"I know it's raining, dear Gwen. We're both getting soaking wet!". She huffed, now opening the door.
"But look". I said, "Look at the moon".
"Come on in Gwen, you'll catch your death out here". Sarah snapped, as she was now stood in the doorway, peeling off her saturated cardigan.
"But it's beautiful". I went on, unable to take my eyes off it. "Sad, yet beautiful. Its got real tears falling from it just as if....as if the moon is somehow crying."
My voice now trailed away.
I knew that Sarah had given up listening to me, for she never really saw the beauty in such things. Everything had to be so clear cut and practical as far as she was concerned.
Black and white, absolutely straight down the middle. That's how Sarah saw things and that was fine, if it worked for her.
But for me, I'd rather look around me more. To see what I could grasp from the things that surrounded me to get myself through every day situations.
That was why I remained absolutely mesmerised by this moon and the rain clouds that surrounded it. Rarely, if ever had I seen anything as wonderful as this.
I somehow felt a kind of connection with it all.
Something in which I was seeing was making me realise that however bad things can get, however many storm clouds threaten to suppress me, I was still going to shine through the darkness.