Zuko's POV
I truly can't believe that play. So many things wrong with it. As we walk back to the house, I try to ignore the heavy feeling on my chest, because I know if I focus on it, it'll get worse and I can't break down right now. Not now. I just have to wait until I'm alone, or else they'll ditch me, just like my father and my sister.... No, stop thinking like that.
I shake my head and try to focus on just walking back to the house as quickly as possible, without giving anything away. I hope that Toph doesn't say anything, but she knows me well enough to know I don't want to face this, which is why I'm trying to act normal, and she'll probably call me out for acting normal, because she hates when people do that. As if the thought summoned her to speak, Toph opens her mouth and says what I had hoped she wouldn't, freezing my blood.
"Ok, when are we actually going to talk about this? Because all of you are freaking out and Zuko seems about to have a panic attack, while Sokka looks on the verge of an anxiety attack and Aang looks like he's about to drift right into an iceberg of depression and sink. So we're going to face this now, tonight, under the stars and without any judgement, because all of you are starting to annoy me. Especially you, Zuko. You know I hate it when people try to act normal when nothing is ok. So, to make for it, you'll be going last and going in as much detail as you can, for your story."
I knew she was going to do something like this, but I had really wished she hadn't. However, I brace myself, because I need to do this. Uncle always said I needed to get it out and finally I would feel better, but I'm not sure I believe him. However, I set up a fire and we settle in a circle. I already know most of what's eating at the others, so I don't pay attention to what they are saying, trying to make it so I can tell my story and leave, without having a panic attack during or after. I always have attacks when I think about it, but I have to try and tough it out this time. I can't keep breaking over this. It's stupid.
"Ok, Zuko. It's your turn. And remember, I said in as much detail as possible. Begin."
I suck in a soothing breath of fresh air, before letting it out in a sigh.
"Well, I guess it starts when I was 8. My father was trying to become heir to the throne, because Uncle had just lost his son, but grandfather felt father was belittling Uncle's suffering, so he demanded father kill his first born child. My father was planning on doing it, but Azula overheard and came to brag how 'daddy's going to kill you, because you are worthless and weak' and mother overheard. She didn't want that to happen, so she begged father for a different way. My grandfather was dead the next morning, supposedly dying of old age. However, my mother left that same night, only telling me to be myself. She forgot how cruel the fire lord could be. After mother disappeared, he got worse than he ever had."
I pause to steady myself and take a deep breath, releasing it gently, trying to hold in the onslaught of emotions. I can feel the warmth under my eyes and blink it back, trying so hard not to break.
"Before mother left, it was just verbal abuse 'weak', 'pathetic', 'fake', ' useless', I could go on all day. However, without mother as a barrier, he began to get physical and let the teachers do it as well. Every time I failed to make fire, a preheated metal ruler smacked me wrists, every failed form gained a fire whip, and every wrong doing gained a punishment. Half the things I was punished for never were my fault, but I was punished. I could've handled all that, but what broke me, was being aware that none of this happened to Azula. She was the perfect child, good at firebending, lying, bargaining, everything. Knowing she was being treated like royalty, while I was being treated as less than the dirt under our feet is what broke me. I always did take more after my mother than father."
I swallow to try and wet my throat, my voice having cracked several times almost unnoticeable, except I paused after every one, trying to steady my voice, before continuing. I know Toph can feel everything inside me, how I am doing stably, and that makes me almost feel better, but I can't show weakness, because weakness gets punished and I don't want to be punished anymore, please, stop it hurts-
I take a deep breath and clear my mind, before continuing.
"Because I took more after my mother, I came up with a plan. Uncle and I planned to sneak out after a war meeting, so I went with him. I was told to stay silent and I was going to, honest, but then a general proposed the idea we send in some recruits, brand new, never seen battle recruits, to the slaughter, so more experienced soldiers could come in from behind and kill off the enemy.I couldn't help myself and I spoke up. I told them how wrong and messed up that plan was, and I knew I had blown our chance the moment I opened my mouth, but I couldn't let them sacrifice some of our soldiers for no reason, I mean, they're people, for spiritssakes. However, I disrespected my father and that was never something he took, let alone from his own, worthless, pathetic son. He challenged me to an Agni Kai. I thought I'd be fighting the general, who was old and slower, but I came to realize different when the Agni Kai, came around. I was in the fire lord's room when I spoke out, so thus I disrespected my father himself, and I knew I had no chance of winning. My people stood around and cheered him on as he publicly beat me, demanding I fight and regain my honor. But I didn't care about my honor and I wouldn't fight him, so he burned off half my face.... exiled me..... made me know I was less than the dirt he walked on every chance he had, by sending a no good general to check on me..... every few months."
The silence that follows causes me to almost panic, and I go to stand, trying to get away so I'd not break in front of them, because breaking is wrong and determines a stronger punishment and I can't do that, can't stand it, won't be able to come back from it, please, stop, no, I can't, can't breathe. I try to inhale, but it comes in wheezy and I know it's too late, I've already started and I can't go back, the punishment will come, just wait. A hand comes out of no where and I flinch away from it, shivering and feeling unstable as the world spins around me. I scoot back and try to calm my breathing, because my chest is starting to hurt and my fingers are going numb, which I've learned to realize this is going to be a bad episode if I can't drag myself out of it. I suddenly wish I had told the others earlier out my problem,but my need to breathe cuts through that like a knife and I can't focus on the thought for long. A hand settles on my shoulder and I try to flinch away, but breathing is more important, so I let it stay. Another hand lands on my chest, before a small, petite hand wraps around one of mine and is pressed into clothes, cool, smooth clothes. I feel them move under my hand and focus, trying to hear anything past the ringing in my ears.
"Come on, Sunshine. You just need to breathe, just follow the movement's of my chest. You can do it. Someone bring his forehead to their shoulder,or the entire thing will collapse when he does. Now!!"
I nod slightly, before focusing on the rising and falling under my hand, I try to get my lungs to mimic, but they reject the first time and I lean against someone's shoulder, coughing into their clothes, but barely managing to push away the panic of having less air, when a hand starts to move through my hair.
"Come one, try again, Sifu..... mimic the breathing of her chest, you can do it. I know you can, we all know you can. Just in... and out...."
I focus on my hand yet again and try to mimic, relaxing slightly when I manage to successfully get a little more air, even as my chest continues to spike pain through me. I listen to the sounds of my companions as they breath, their shuffling to get comfortable, the cool breezy air and the smell of the ocean. I nod and relax all the way, making it easier to breathe almost immediately. I sigh and open my eyes, blinking to clear the blurriness. I spot several faces hovering over me in worry and smile weakly, taking who's where. My hand is against Toph's chest, Aang has his hand in my hair, standing behind Sokka, who is holding my forehead against his shoulder, while Katara is standing next to her brother, her hand on my chest, a bit of water glowing around it as she tries to help. I feel the pain flow away and sigh, trying to stay awake. Damnit, these attacks always leave me tired and defenseless. I try to stay awake, but the gentle motions of my companions, who start swaying, running their finger, rubbing in circles or breathing slower, all work to knock me out.
I wake the next morning to the sun rising, feeling a bit more drained than usual, but that's normal after an attack as bad as that one. I'm just glad they didn't kick me while I was down. So much nicer, they even helped me through my problem, instead of laughing and wandering off. I wonder why. I sit up and stretch, before deciding doing anything is going to be nigh impossible, instead, leaning against a nearby log and starting a small fire, knowing that Katara has already gone inside to get food to cook for breakfast. I watch the others, who are all much closer than normal, as they breathe and move slightly in their sleep, until Toph wakes up when Katara brings out the pot, setting it over the fire immediately, which wakes Sokka, who comes and settles in as we wait for the food. Aang is the last to arrive,as the sun finally reaches him, and he joins our mini circle. I wonder how I should phrase this.
"Why... why did you guys help me?"
I wince at how hoarse my voice is, taking a small drink of water, before focusing on their answer.
"Why wouldn't we? I mean, I wouldn't want to be alone during one of those, they're awful."
"Because we're your friends and you needed help."
"Because I don't know anyone who can get through one of those without support."
"Yeah, they suck and leave you quite tired, if I remember correctly. Why, did you think we'd just leave you alone?"
My silence is answer enough and they all turn to face me, disbelief on their faces.
"Explain. Now."
"Not much to explain. The guards and teachers loved to try and break me, punishing me for the smallest mistakes that even masters make, and every time I entered one around them, they would laugh and walk off, leaving me alone, or they'd beat my ribs in for submitting to it and not fighting it. I learned to hide the affects and the symptoms, but got pretty good at recognizing a big attack from a smaller one. That's the first big one I've had in ages, since right before Uncle opened his tea shop. I hate waking up in unfamiliar places, with no one familiar around and Uncle had left for a second, long enough for me to enter and get pretty deep into an attack before he got back. He knows the best way to help me though, and I fell asleep pretty quickly."
"So, Sunshine, What is the best way to help you? Because you feel asleep pretty quickly to our soothing motions, but it took you a few times to get your breathing back to normal."
I smile sheepishly, knowing this will probably surprise them.
"The best way, is for someone to run their fingers through my hair or to hug me. I use the physical contact and the feelings I get from that to stabilize and relax myself, which makes it easier for me to breathe. I'm sorry, Aang, but I don't think I have it in me for a training session today. But, do a breathing exercise while you're flying today and we can call it even."
A hand suddenly rests in my hair, and before I can say anything, it starts to move, fingers running through my hair and along my neck gently, almost cradling me. I sigh and almost instantly relax, making a sound similar to a purr as a soft spot is found, rubbing and petting there.
"You are like a cat. Maybe we should do this more often, just to get him to relax. He's putty in my hands. Jeez, I think he's falling asleep. Night, Zuko. It wouldn't have been right for us to abandon you in your time of need. Your teacher and those guards were jackasses. We'll make you feel loved, promise. We'll slowly heal the scar left on you from your family, and you won't get them as often. Now, sleep."
The soft voices and soothing fingers soon lull me to sleep, though what honestly pushes me into sleep is the honesty and determination in the voices, the understanding and total acceptance. Sleep has never been as peaceful for me, as it was right in that moment.