I went home not long after Cat passed. Walking back into the 'special hospital' was odd. I hadn't realized how big of an impact Cat had on everyone, I thought she only had Tylar and I really, but she actually had the whole hospital as friends. She just spent all of her time with us mainly. Out of everyone here, she chose Tylar and I. In those last several minutes of her life, she didn't think about just us two, she thought about everyone here, everything she was leaving behind. And for some reason, Tylar and I were included somewhere in those few minutes. All this time I thought we chose Cat, but it was really the other way around, she chose us. Everyone stared at me when I was wheeled back inside. I went to my room and watched the sunrise and the sunset. Everything is in such slow motion. People walk slower, no one is smiling around here, no one looks up unless they have to, and everyone is just kind of sitting around. Kids died all the time around here, it was just different with Cat. She was an angel and a sister or daughter to everyone here, and I think that's how people took her death. Like the loss of a child or sibling, and they took it personally, like she chose to leave. This is the worst way to accept a death. Tylar has taken Cat's death quite hard. Everyday, he sits on the windowsill and stares outside. He cries in the mornings, and the afternoons, and in the night. He's been getting nightmares where he wakes up screaming and he started sleepwalking. Once he threw a flower vase at the wall. Everyone close to Cat has been ordered to take an extra therapy session, so almost everyone is taking one. I haven't cried since the day Cat died. I think it's because I'm still in denial almost. I mean, I wheel myself around all day observing everyone else when I forget to observe me. Denial also isn't a good way to handle death, but hey, it helps. There is some good news though, I get to start my campaign after all. Since Marie is moving, a new lady has taken over her position and she loved my idea. I get to take over the therapy sessions and I already started my new club. The first meeting is this Saturday. When Tylar isn't crying or throwing tantrums, he helps me make buttons. Cat was supposed to, but well..... yeah. That's when I miss her, when I find myself doing things she'd be around, so I'd stopped doing those things. To fill the void of no Cat, I tried making a few new friends, but it's not the same. No one is the same as Cat. I was really happy when I found out that I could do my campaign after all, but it just didn't feel right, to be happy at a time like this. Today is Thursday, it's been four days since Cat's died. Her funeral is tomorrow morning. We just finished dinner when I walked back to the room and saw that Tylar wasn't crying. It's the first night he hasn't.
"Hey Ty" I say. He looks up to me with tears. I wonder how long he's been holding them back, his skin is dry. He looks up to let the tears fall back into him. I sit next to him on the windowsill. On the back of the door is a small black tuxe and dress.
"Are you ready for tomorrow?" he asks.
"As ready as I'll ever be" I say.
"I'm not"
"It'll be okay"
"Will it Abele?"
"I sure hope so"
"I'm not ready to say goodbye to her". I wasn't sure what he meant by that, I mean I knew the literal meaning, but there was a deeper meaning too. The way his voice trailed off but his lips kept speaking, the unspoken words were no doubt the most important part of the sentence. The unspoken is no doubt always the most important.
" So don't say goodbye"
"Then what do I say?"
"How about....see you later?". He grins and looks down, a small smile peaks out, but is quickly covered with self doubt and pity.
" You know....uhm...Cat was my uh....my first friend here too"
"Really?"
"Yeah, I came here when I was 11 and she was about 4 and I took care of her kind of"
"Kind of? Like you take care of me?"
"Yeah".
" Then what happened? "
"She got too sick"
"Too sick? Is there even such a thing?"
"Yes Abele, and I hope you're never too sick"
"I think I have it in my genes"
"Have what?"
"The cancer. A lot of my family has passed away early aged from it. My dad's--"
"He's what?". The first word that comes to mind is dying, but I just couldn't say it aloud. Not even in my head could I say it.
" Too sick "
"Oh...I'm sorry"
"It's not your fault"
"I almost wish it was"
"What?! Why?!"
"To take some of the anger and pressure off of you"
"How would you being responsible for my dad's death help me in any way?"
"Because then you'd know, you'd have a reason why. When people die from cancer, there is no reason why. There's no one to blame, that's why people blame themselves, or God. We all point fingers as to the reason of our loss and damage the relationships around us because we don't want to get too close to people and have to lose them too. If I were the reason why, you'd hate me and could say it's because of Tylar my dad's dead. But you can't, because it's not because of me, or you, or God, or anyone else. It's because of cancer,and cancer can not feel the pain of hatred"
"Wow.."
"What?"
"I've just never thought of if in that way, so twisted"
"Oh"
"So what happened after Cat got too sick?"
" I stopped hanging out around her. I avoided her as much as possible "
"But why?"
"It's hard enough to see people suffering on television news stories, nevertheless forming relationships with the people, and watching them wither away into nothing right in front of you". Now that I understood.
" So she's always been sick?"
"I don't think she had a day in her life where she was healthy"
"It's so sad"
"What is?"
"The cancer, Cat, this place, the doctors,the nurses, the death"
"Since when did you start thinking so negative?"
"The second I found out I had a dying father with cancer on the side, an IV that hurts like a butt in my hand, bankruptcy, an insane mother, and a dead girl holding my hand"
"Oh"
"But I also have a pretty great roommate"
"Don't count on me too much Abele"
"Why not?"
"Because I already count on you, if you count on me it makes me counting on you less special. And as a plus, I don't think I've got much longer anyway either"
"Don't say that!"
"But it's true Abele. Pass cancer once, and you're okay, pass it twice and your good, pass it three times and you're golden"
"Pass it four and your safe, home run"
"I'm not passing home plate"
"You will"
"And if I don't?"
"There is no don't won't smon't! I'll drag you to safety if I have to"
"Good to know". I hug Tylar goodnight and sleep for the next few days ahead. Before I fall asleep I write back to Hana and paint my nails pink with new nail polish Kate brought by. I leave the letter brief as to what's been going on, and leave my dad completely out of the letter. I set it down on my bedside table and watch Tylar rest his head onto the window. Slowly, we both fall asleep.
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When morning comes, I wake up before Tylar. I take the dress off the back of the door and slip it on. It is a black laced dress with tiny sparkly black beads that form flower patters. It cuts off right before my shoulder on the outside and right before my the bottom of my neck on the inside. The top is a loop downwards. The dress stretches down to the top of my knees and is kind of itchy, but it looks gorgeous. I look around for shoes and find a small shoe box in the corner behind the door. I slip on a set of plain black flats with little black string bows on the tops of them. I go to my bedside table and realize I never opened what Rachel gave to me. Inside the small box was a golden heart necklace and chain.
"For: Someone with a pure heart of gold
Love: Rachel."
I put on the necklace and walk over to look in the mirror. I grab a comb and slowly comb through my hair. In the comb is two small clumps of brunette hair.
"How lovely" I smirk. Tylar wakes up and walks up behind me in the mirror.
"You look nice"
"Can you tell I'm dying?"
"Not a bit"
"Well good". Tylar showers and puts on his tuxe and black suede shoes. He combs back his hair and we're ready to go. He offers out his arm and I take it. We walk out where Kate is waiting for us. She walks up to me and squeezes my cheeks.
" You look great" she whispers.
"Maybe I should go change"
"What? Why?"
"Because I'm going to a funeral, I shouldn't look great". Kate just smiles at me and wraps her arms around Tylar and I.
"There's a note for Hana in my room"
"Okay, I'll get it later"
"Who's Hana?" asks Tylar.
Just an old friend" I say. He nods. Everyone in the entire hospital of sick girl children wore the same thing I was wearing, and same for the boys and Tylar. We all rode a bus to the burial ceremony. Anyone who couldn't come or wasn't aloud would watch the speaking and viewing back at the hospital on a live stream. The burial would be private. For some reason the viewing and burial would both happen today, but Kate says it's to make sure Cat's family doesn't have to stay in town long. I think it's because they don't want to spend the money to stay a day longer, or maybe they just can't, too many surrounding memories. When we get to the viewing, I learn that it will be open casket. Tylar sticks by my side the entire time, we're like conjoined twins. Whenever one of us goes in a different direction, one of us stops and turns. There are people everywhere, but I see almost no relatives. None close anyway. Family friends of Cat's deceased parents, an aunt, a 20 year old cousin, and that's about it. If we weren't all here, there'd be almost no one to view anything. Any family sat in the front few rows and family friends filled out the rest of the rows. Tylar and I just got the last few seats in the very last row. Everyone else had to stand. I find it odd, that the people with the cancer are standing while the people Cat never even spoke of are sitting down, but that's none of my business. A man walks up to a small podium and begins to speak.
"Ladies and Gentlemen, friends, family,children, we are gathered here today for the viewing of Cat Arianna Santiago" he says. I never new Cat's middle name, it's beautiful. Cat's grandmother moves to speak and talks about Cat's dead parents. Both deceased from cancer. Her grandmother reminds me of my mother, stiff but lovely. An odd combination, I know. The best way to describe it is like a still life art piece. It's painted from a picture or set, so not really original, and it's technical and hard, but the piece at the end is amazingly lovely. Cat's grandma is the one who gained guardian after the passing of her parents. She planned the funeral.
"Cat, such a young girl. She was exactly like her mother. She had her beautiful Rapunzel blond hair, those beautiful blue eyes, and a heart so pure you could absorb life from it. I didn't get to spend as much time as I'd liked with her, she was almost always in a hospital. She never went bowling, played a sport, went to school, ate ice cream or McDonalds, never went swimming, skiing, she never did anything but sit and watch TV. Her life had no fun, yet she somehow stay entertained. I think that's something we'd all like to think we could do when we reach old age". I know I'd love to think like Cat when I'm 60, but she was young, her child imagination probably didn't allow much negativity. Even when she was dying, she did it with grace.
"I'll never forget the day she first got taken away to a hospital. She looked up at me and said, "Grandma?" and I said "Yes hun?", and she said, " Am I gonna die too?". I didn't answer, my heart was broken. The day her father died, she was only a baby, she didn't know. The day her mother died, she knew, but didn't understand. The day she died, she knew, and she understood". I guess, if you're gonna have to lose family, it's better for them to die before you know them, before you can fully understand what's happened. How can you become sad if you don't know? You can't, a perk I've missed.
"Cat was not just another little face in the crowd, she was the face. She was the light at the end of the tunnel, and even though......... even though she....... she didn't make it, ..... I know she did. I know she's up somewhere in heaven floating around in paradise talking her head off to her parents. I know she's safe, and that's the bittersweet thing about death, it's the release of pain from the loved one onto the loved ones". 'It's the release of pain from the loved one onto the loved ones, death. I guess that's better, well not really, it is bittersweet. Also kind of sour, like a sour patch kid. After she's done, we all load back up and over to the cemetery. Before leaving, I walk up and look at Cat. Her body takes up a small casket, in her arms are pink roses. She's wearing ChapStick, and wearing a spring time dress. It's filled with pink, orange, and yellow swirls. At her feet are light pink flats and her hair is in a messy bun. Her eyes are closed, but I almost want to open them. To see them one more time, before I can never see them again. Whoever did her up, took away her smile. I wouldn't lift up her eye lids to see the life in them, but I would put a smile on her. I don't know if that's against the rules, I don't know if I just crossed the line, but Cat was my friend too, and she wore a smile better than anyone else I knew. I touched her cheeks and almost jumped, I was touching a dead person. I quickly made a small smile on her and slipped a note I had written for her in her hands underneath the roses. I would tell you what the letter said, but some things are just between us. I blow a kiss goodbye and leave the room. Tylar was waiting for me outside.
"Are you okay?" he asks.
"Yeah, you?" I ask. he doesn't answer and hugs me. We walk back onto the bus and go to the cemetery. Once we got to the cemetery, it was quiet, no one spoke. Her casket was layed out and closed. A man walked around and handed red and pink roses to everyone. It was weird walking by all the gravestones, thinking I one day might be six feet under one. Thinking of the stories of these people, the lives and people left behind, the generations created, the talents,and the beauty of the cemetery. The sadness, anger, guilt,regret, it was all very contradicting to my 12 year old mind. A marble archway stood in front of us, with a square stone perimeter of about 10ft by 10ft. Cat's casket is in the middle, her mother on the left and father on the right. It was a beautiful place for her body to stay with till eternity. They lowered her casket and we began to walk in a line to place our roses. Tylar was shaking, I grabbed his hand and we slowly inched along with the line. Together, we placed our roses down and walked back to the bus. He shook the entire way until he sat down. Not a tear was shed, however, everyone else was crying. I didn't cry, I wanted to, but I couldn't. The tears would come later. Tylar rested his head onto the bus's window and breathed in and out deeply. I grabbed his face and looked him in the eyes. He looked down and fell into my lap. I knew better than to speak.
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Walking back into the 'special hospital' was bad. We looked like we we're walking into hell, and maybe, in some strange way, some of us were. The patients and staff that didn't get to go ran up to us and asked questions, but not many people answered them. And for the ones that did, they were very brief. "It was nice", "Sad", "No comment". I walked Tylar to our room and he fell face first onto his bed. I turned him over and covered him up, he was asleep within seconds. I went to lay down on my bed and stare around our walls. The sinking ship, the anchor, my message, .....the sails. I grabbed some black paint and a paint brush to paint on C.A.S. onto one of the sails. Then I layed back down again. It didn't feel right, the dynamic of this place, it was off. I tried coloring, but it didn't work much to keep me preoccupied. I went into the computer room and looked up ways to cope with a death. I was surprised at the many ways.