'Call me if you need anything okay? I'll come to pick you up from school' I told Haya as we walked to her school.
'I am fine, don't worry it's not like I am going school for the first time' Haya looked at me. After staying home for days, she finally agreed to go back to school. I could see she was suffering a lot, I often found her staring at the ceiling late at night so deep into her thoughts that she didn't even notice that I was watching her. Seeing her in that state made my nights sleepless ones too.
'I love you' I kissed her forehead and she slightly smiled at me before walking to one of her friends who was waiting for her near the school's entrance.
Instead of going back home, I decided to go to college to talk to Mr.Hamza. I wanted to inform him of my decision to drop out of the program. I went to Mr.Hamza's office and knocked on the door. Seconds later the door opened and instead I saw Karim Sir.
'Ayat? You're back? Come on in' He looked happy to see me.
'Yes, Haya started going to school again so I had some time to drop by' I told him as we seated.
'I am glad, you are almost done with the program...I think it's good that you are starting...' He started.
'Actually, I am here to tell Mr.Hamza that I won't be coming back...I want to drop out of the program' I told him straightforwardly. I wasn't strong enough to manage school, home and look after Haya altogether.
'What are you saying? You can't just drop out of the program, not when you are so close to finishing it' He said.
'I know...Karim Sir I really thought this through believe me. Haya needs me, I want to be at home for her, I don't want her to come to an empty house after school or wait for me to come home. She is feeling very lonely' I told him. Haya was my only family and I was hers.
'I don't know what to tell you, you are a smart girl Ayat, I don't think it's fair for you to sacrifice your future like that' He looked at me.
'Do you where I can find Mr.Hamza?' I asked him.
'He is actually not here today, I am covering his session. You are welcome to join today's session' He offered.
'I have to go and take care of a few things, I won't be able to attend sorry' I got up to leave.
'Ayat, I think you should rethink your decision...I think you can manage to look after your home while still being at home...talk to Hamza about it, maybe he'll think of something' He advised me.
'Okay,' I nodded and walked out of the office. I felt like I had reached a roadblock and had nowhere to go. I couldn't turn back or move forward. I had no more tears left to shed. I felt so hollow, complete loss of hope.
I spent most of the morning running errands and filling out paperwork to change contact information to places where Papa used to be our home's primary person of contact. Since the funeral, so many of our relatives and friends came by, they offered their condolences, they offered help, and they left. At the end of the day, they still felt like strangers. When days ended, and people left, our house turned back to being quiet. As if both Haya and I forgot how to talk.
'How was school?' I picked up Haya from school and decided to take her out on lunch. We ordered our favorite chicken sandwiches and fries. I was happy to see her in a better mood after such a long time.
'Good, better than I expected. My friends were very nice...they wrote notes for me while I was away, and my teachers gave me extra time to work on the assignments that I missed' She told me.
'That's good...I'll help you with it' I said to her.
'Are you always going to pick and drop me to school from now on?' Haya asked me suddenly.
'Yes,' I replied.
'You don't have to' She replied.
'What do you mean?' I asked her. The waiter arrived with our order just then, so she didn't say anything.
'I don't want you to miss your school because of me...I am a big girl, I can walk to school and back home on my own' She told me.
'I know you can...' I started to speak but she cut me in.
'Then nothing...please Ayat, you don't have to kill your dreams because of me. I don't want to hold you back. Our lives are never going to be the same, but it doesn't mean that our lives have to be hard. We will have to make some adjustments, but we can still live our own lives.' She said to me.
'I don't want you to feel neglected, I want to be there...' I told her.
'I will never feel neglected by you no matter what...just don't give up on Papa's dreams, he wanted you to be in school and graduate and do something wonderful, so please don't leave school because of me' She told me.
'How did you know I was planning on leaving the program?' I asked her.
'Because I am your sister' She smiled at me.
'Since when did you start speaking like a grown up?' I smiled back.
'Oh common, I was always this smart' She stole some fries from my plate and winked at me. This was Haya I thought I'll never see again. I guess our home won't be silent after all.
'I missed this version of you' I told her.
'I know...I guess after Mama passed away, I still knew it was going be okay because Papa was there but when he...he left us, I froze you know. We did so much together, he told me so much about so many things and all of a sudden, he wasn't there, and I didn't know what to do but today in school when I sat with my friends and talked to my teachers, I felt normal again. Then I thought about you and realized that you might be feeling the same way I was...and that's why I think you should continue going to college. It will help to normalize everything, staying in an empty house full of memories that still feels fresh with stain them. I don't want that for us' She explained to me.
'I am so proud of you Haya, you are right...I guess I really needed to hear that' I reached out and covered my hand over hers. I thought it was my duty to protect my little sister but instead it was Haya who made me feel secure. We continued talking about other things as we ate. After spending so much time either by myself or talking to people about Papa and listening to their stories of him, it felt so good to have a normal conversation with Haya, so good that it felt almost refreshing.
'Oh, I am sorry' Just as we made a turn on one of the alleys to look for a rickshaw to head back home, I ran into someone. I was so busy looking for my wallet inside my bag that I almost lost my balance, thankfully, the lady I ran into grabbed my hand to steady me.
'Thank you...so sorry...are you okay?' I apologized to her.
'I am fine, be careful as you walk down the road, it's very patchy' The lady said to me.
'Yes, I will...thank you...take care' I smiled at her and walked past her.
'Ayat?' Just then I heard Mr.Hamza's voice coming from behind. I turned around and saw Mr.Hamza coming out of a shop towards me. He first walked towards the lady who I ran into and brought her with him as he came closer.
'Mr. Hamza' I didn't know what else to say.
'That's my mom...that's Ayat and her little sister Haya' He introduced me to his mother.
'Ayat...Hamza told me about your father, I am sorry to hear about your loss' His mother walked closer to me and touched my arm.
'Thank you...I didn't know your parents were here' I said to Mr.Hamza when I noticed him staring at me.
'Oh it's just me who is here...his father is away on a business trip so I decided to visit him for a few days' She told me.
'I see...well it was nice meeting you, we should get going...it was really nice to meet you...and I am sorry again for bumping into you' I looked at his mother and found her smiling at me.
'I would like to meet you again, will both of you come and have lunch with us tomorrow?' His mother offered.
'She has to go to school...and I...' I started.
'Then you can join us, I met Karim's mother yesterday and she said such nice things about you...I would love if you can come tomorrow' She insisted.
'Okay,' I agreed, knowing it was a bad idea.
'Great...you know the address, right? Hamza can you go and pick her up tomorrow?' She asked Mr.Hamza.
'No...I'll...' I protested.
'Sure, Ayat, I will come and get you' Mr.Hamza stepped forward.
'Wonderful, okay I won't hold you back any longer... you girls take care of yourselves' She turned and started walked back but Mr.Hamza stayed still, his eyes were still on me.
'Bye' I grabbed Haya's arm and marched away from him.
'His mother is nice' Haya said to me when we got inside the rickshaw.
'Yes,' I nodded.
'He is nice too' She continued.
I remained quiet.
'Isn't he?' She pushed
'I suppose' I answered.
'You are so full of it, even a blind person can sense that there is something between you guys' She blurted out and I caught the rickshaw driver staring at us through the rereview mirror.
'Stop it' I elbowed her.
'It's okay, you are not married yet' She teased.
'You are mad, there is nothing between us...we are just...'I stopped. What were we?
'Don't say friends, I promise I'll puke' She glared at me.
'We aren't anything' I glared back at her.
'Sure' She closed her eyes and rested her head on my shoulder.
'It's true...there is nothing' I repeated and thankfully she didn't say anything to me after that. Why was every path leading me towards Mr.Hamza? I was engaged to be married, I shouldn't be thinking about anyone else. Despite that, I was willing to walk the path that led me to him, even when I knew that I was going to have a hard time walking back from it.
'So what are you going to wear tomorrow?' Haya threw another annoying question my way as we started washing the dishes after dinner.
'What's tomorrow?' I tried to sound uninterested.
'Don't play me older one...seriously what are you going to wear tomorrow?' She scooted closer to me and started staring at me.
'I don't know, it's not a big deal' I said to her.
'It is...okay forget it...are you going to take something to their home?' She asked.
'Maybe...I don't know, can you please stop talking about it? I don't even know if I want to go...it's going to be weird' I told her.
'Why would it be weird, you said there isn't anything between you guys, so it should be fine right?' She shrugged.
'Yeah...' I quickly finished cleaning the dishes and went to my room. I opened my closet and looked at all the clothes to find something nice to wear tomorrow not because tomorrow was special, I just didn't want to look bad.
'You want my help?' Haya followed me into the room minutes later and pushed me to the side and started going through my clothes.
'This' She picked out a nice light pink dress for me and laid it out on the bed.
'Okay...' This was good enough to wear for lunch.
'You are smiling' Haya pointed out.
'No... I am not...I already told you...' I was talking to her, but she walked past me.
'Yeah yeah, there is nothing...I get it...I am going to go finish my homework' She announced and walked out of the room. I sat on the bed and took the fabric in between my fingers. I looked at my hands and the conversation I had with Mr.Hamza found it's way back in my thoughts, even though it never really left. Ever since that conversation, I kept thinking about he said to me...the intensity in his eyes at that time was a big warning sign for me. It scared me more than ever if Karim Sir hadn't called out his name that time to interfere us, it would have turned my world upside down. Mr.Hamza and I weren't meant to be anything. He was just a person who I respected and looked up to because he did so many favors for me but other than that, he was nothing and I wanted to keep it this way or else I didn't know what would happen. Something life transforming perhaps?
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Hello beautiful souls!
I hope your day/night is going well. It's currently raining where I am right now, I don't mind the rain, it's kind of soothing, but sometimes can be quite sad. Either way, it's beautiful in its own way and very poetic for some.
I hope you enjoyed reading this chapter and if you did, you know what to do don't you? Turn the star orange by voting and leave your awesome comments!
Ask away any questions you have about the story or share some words of wisdom or just say hi, let your words loose for the universe to take in! (Can you tell I have been reading about Sufism?) LOL
See you'all next week as usual! Take care, love always xx