We went over the wall, and for a moment I thought we would avoid crashing completely. Unfortunately, Tabitha shook me out of my thought process and yelled "Deadpool we're about to crash into that tree!"
I looked at the large tree in front of us. "Oh for God's sake!" I exclaimed in an irritated voice as I unbuckled and threw myself over Tabitha to protect her.
"CRASH!!!" "Ow. Ow ow owwww!"
I was able to save Tabitha from getting hurt, but my ass ended up going through the windshield (seriously, my ass is litterally sticking out of the windshield), hence me saying "Ow".
Tabitha unbucked her seat belt and opened her door so she could jump out, her weapons bag in tow.
"Hey, what about me?!? I literally put my ass on the line for you and you're just going to leave me like this?!?" "Give me a minute!" Tabitha snapped.
She reached into her bag a pulled out a rope. She tossed it to me through her open door. Eventually she was able to pull me out, though unfortunately I've got a bunch of glass shards embedded in my ass (sitting down for the next week is going to be a pain in my- no that's too easy, joke withdrawn).
Tabitha looked at me with a smile on her face, apparently happy she got out of that whole mess alive.
I looked around, trying to figure out where we landed (I know we landed in a tree, but I didn't know where the tree was, you smartasses).
"Where are we?"
"Central Park." Tabitha replied.
"Ah, that would explain the trees and the fields of grass and the tackey statues."
Tabitha chuckled at my "witty" observation. At least she was in a better mood now. It was short lived, however, as her smile suddenly faded and her eyes grew wide again. I looked over and saw a giant shadow in front of us. "KRAKAKABOOOOMMM!!!"
We both fell to the ground from the shockwave. Black Bart was now standing right in front of us, still huffing and puffing and wheezing. "Ha *huff* ha *huff*, you chumps *wheeze* you *huff* thought you *wheeze* could get *cough cough* away *huff* from me?" *click click*
I looked around. A small army of lackeys had surrounded us with machine guns and AK-47's. Black Bart must've called in more backup to do his dirty work for him. Just like a common low low level crime boss. Man, I wish we were fighting Kingpin. At least Kingpin would've had the balls to fight us himself.
Suddenly, there was a loud scream. Black Bart fell to his knees with a loud thud that shook the ground, holding his head with both hands. "AHHHHHHHGH, MY HEAD!!! MY HEAD HURTS SO BAD!!!"
He fell on his side in pain. It was at that moment he started sweating and shaking profusely.
Tabitha leaned over and whispered "It's working, he's going through major withdrawals! Any moment now he should have a-"
"GAAAAAAHHHAHA!!!"
Black Bart grabbed at his chest, and started foaming at the mouth.
He had suffered the final symptom: a massive heart attack.
A minute after that last outcry of pain, he stopped moving and was laying on the ground with his eyes wide open.
It was obvious he was dead.
Me, Tabitha and the army of lackeys just stood there and looked at one another. But before anyone could say anything, something rather unexpected happened.
*Splat!!!*
Black Bart's body suddenly exploded, causing neon purple body parts and matching neon purple goop to go everywhere.
And I do mean EVERYWHERE.
I'll say this, it was a bad time to be going comando.
Anyway, we were all still standing there, reacting in our own way to being covered in Black Bart goo.
One guy puked, then another guy puked at the sight of the first guy puking. Tabitha quickly looked away and took a washcloth out of her bag to wipe her face with.
I just used my hand to wipe my mask.
After everyone got over the shock, I decided to break the ice.
"Uh, I think you guys can go home now. You probably won't be getting paid for today."
It was silent for a few moments until one idiot lackey decided to speak up. "Yeah, and who do we have to blame for that? I say we go ahead and blow you and the chick away as a nice consolation prize!"
The other lackeys voiced their agreement with the plan and proceeded to point their weapons back at us. I tried to reason with them.
"Hey, hey! Do NOT listen to that guy! He's going to get you all killed!
I know you're all just dumb, mindless lackeys that like to do whatever someone tells you, but for once in your pathetic lives, think for yourselves!"
After a few more moments of silence, another lackey spoke up.
"I say we kill him for insulting us!" The other lackeys agreed and once again pointed their weapons at us. "Nice going." Tabitha grumbled.
Alright, logic and reason clearly wasn't working. It was time to do what I do best. After all, I'm the best there is at what I do, and what I do isn't-
Author: No. No. No. You are NOT Wolverine.
Fine.
Getting back to my story, I decided it was time to shift from defense to offense.
"Fuck this! Come here, sweetheart."
I grabbed Tabitha and pushed the button on the teleportation bracelet. *poof*
We ended up on top of the crashed limo, which was located just outside of the lackey circle. And the morons had no idea.
"Where the fuck did they go?!?" "How should I know?!?"
"Well they couldn't have gotten far, so let's split up and find them! First group to find them gets to kill' em!"
We watched as the lackeys split off into separate groups. I started laughing to myself.
"What's so funny?" Tabitha asked, clearly puzzled.
"Heh heh. Elementary, my dear Watson. Don't you see, with those idiots spitting up, it'll be easier to pick them off one by one. The cards are in our favor once again."
She smiled at the realization, and replied "Well then what are we waiting for, let's go take care of business!"
I crawled over the trunk of the limo, accidentally hitting the trunk button in the process. Thankfully it didn't make a noice when it opened. I looked in and saw cases of beer (both cans and bottles) and a bunch of liquor bottles. Looks like Black Bart was planning to have a party later.
Heh, you know what they say, to the victor goes the spoils (aka I'm gonna get SOOOO wasted later, no matter how much booze it takes. See, my healing factor makes getting drunk really difficult. Not impossible, just difficult). But that will have to wait. Right now I have lackeys to kill.
I quietly closed the trunk (not all the way) and continued crawling off the limo and onto the edge of the tree branch, reaching for a grenade in my pouch. My plan was to drop it in the middle of a small group of lackeys that chose to stay behind. I pulled the pin out of the grenade and did just that, shouting as it dropped "Pineapple Surprise!!!"
The lackeys looked up in confusion as it hit the ground. And before any of them had a chance to realize what happened, "BOOM!!!" the grenade went off and they were blown to bits and scattered everywhere. All that remained in tact was their badly damaged guns.
Tabitha took that as her cue to leave and "take care of business" as she put it.
I decided to stay behind and unalive any lackeys that approached. Which I knew would be many, since the explosion was bound to draw attention.
Sure enough, a minute after the grenade went off, another group of lackeys were headed right for me. I smirked at the sight, knowing full well that things were not about to go so great for them.
I picked up a barely usable machine gun in one hand and pulled out my one good katana with my other hand.
"Okay boys, you wanna dance?!?
Fine with me, but just remember, I gave you all the chance to go home!!! Now let's mambo!!!"
*click click* *ratatatatatatatatat*
One round with the machine gun and I turned three guys into Swiss cheese. *slice* *slice* *slice*
A few swipes with my katana and the remaining three guys were turned into a field of body parts.
"Heh, good thing I sharpened Bea and Arthur last night before bed. (Oh Bea, how I miss thee)."
"Better go see how my sweetheart is holding up." I said to myself as I started looking for Tabitha.
About a minute later I found Tabitha taking out another group of lackeys. In all honesty, she was very phenomenal to watch.
AThe graceful way she kicked two guys' teeth in, the lethal way she grabbed another guy's head and broke his neck. I just couldn't look away.
Out of the corner of my eye, though, I saw a lackey trying to sneak up on Tabitha from behind. I quickly ran up behind the guy and grabbed him by his underwear, nearly giving him an atomic wedgie. The yelp of pain that came out of his throat? Priceless. I hung him on the sword of a nearby statue by his underwear, keeping the wedgie in place. I then pulled my Bowie knife out of the strap on the side of my leg and stabbed him right in the heart. That shut him up real good.
Once I was done handling the would be ninja, I looked over and saw that Tabitha had finished disposing of the group of lackeys that was giving her trouble.
"Whew! Now that's how you take out the trash!" I said as I walked over to her. She chuckled at my remark. "How long were you standing there?" "Long enough to save you from that loser over there." I replied while pointing at the guy hanging from the statue.
She chuckled again.
"My hero." she said a sarcastic tone. Then she did something unexpected. She leaned over and kissed me on the cheek. I immediately saw hearts in my eyes. Not very often a pretty lady like Tabitha touches me, let alone kisses me. Makes me realize I live a very lonely life. But whatever, I'm not going ruin this moment with sad thoughts.
I looked at Tabitha with a naughty smirk on my face.
"You know, I found cases of beer and some liquor in the trunk of the limo, what do you say we celebrate our victory and see where it takes us?" Before she had a chance to answer, a shot rang out.
*Pow!*
We looked up and saw yet another small group of lackeys, about six of them, headed right for us. One of them had a shotgun.
"Oh for the love of Stan Lee, enough already!"
I was pretty annoyed at that point. I had fought ninjas, Doc Ock, powered up lackeys, regular lackeys, and a fucking low level crime boss turned glowing purple monster! I was ready to call it a day!
I reached into a pouch on my belt, hoping I had one last grenade.
Luckily, I did (I always try to have at least a half dozen grenades on me at all times. I lost count at how many I had used so far).
I pulled the pin and threw it right in front of the lackeys as they were running towards us. And before they could turn around and haul ass back to where they came from, it went blewie.
And just like the first group I blew up, they too were scattered everywhere. Tabitha and I stood still for a minute, looking and listening for any sign of more lackeys.
Thankfully, that last group was the end of the line.
I looked down at Tabitha, my naughty smirk returning.
"So, back to what I was saying earlier-"
She cut me off.
"I remember. And I don't see why not." I smiled the biggest smile I've had in a long time. We walked over to the limo still parked in a tree.
I climbed up, opened the trunk and took out the cases of beer one by one and threw down the liquor bottles. Then I crawled up to the driver's seat and cranked the key, hoping to get some tunes going.
Believe it or not, the limo still worked despite crashing into a tree. I was just going to turn on the radio, but then I happen to notice a big button with a picture of a stereo on it on the front control console. I pushed it and nothing happened for a few moments. Suddenly the CD player turned on and music started blasting.
* "DAMN, THATS LOUD!!!" I yelled at the top of my lungs. I hopped out and immediately saw why. Three big stereos had come out of the limo.
Two came out of the back doors, and one came out of the roof. I gotta hand it to Black Bart, he knew how to party. Suddenly I looked around and a large crowd was starting to form.
It was a bunch of young people looking to party. And it didn't take long for them to start helping themselves to the beer and dancing to the music.
What was supposed to be a private party for two has turned into a Central Park block party.
At first I was kind of disappointed. I wanted to be alone with Tabitha.
But then I saw her swig a beer out of a bottle and start dancing rather provocatively.
My naughty smile returned yet again. I grabbed a beer can, lifted my mask and drank it in one gulp. Then I shouted "Woo! It's party time motherfuckas!"
The crowd started cheering when I moonwalked and did a split. This was gonna be a fun night. ##
What a crazy chapter. Seriously, I felt like it was going all over the place. Anyway, I have some bad news. This story is almost over. I've had fun writing it, but the story has just about reached its natural conclusion. Don't worry, though, I have plenty more story ideas and will be writing another book soon. That being said, don't forget to vote and comment, stay tuned for the final chapter, and have a good one!