That night, long past an hour where she should have been asleep, Natasha sat on the floor at the back of John's quarters, looking at the stars above her and the dark waters that churned underneath her as the boat sped through the night. On any other night the waves, illuminated by the full moon and countless stars, would have been calming enough to lull her to sleep, but her conversations with both John and Alexander earlier in the evening had prevented her from getting any rest. She resigned herself to watching the night pass by her, trying to make sense of the conversations she had had with both John and Alexander.
Having John answer her interrogations had only left her with more confusion and more questions. Everything about him was contradictory, from the way he moved in her presence and acted so gently with her it was just to two of them to the way he distanced himself from her when they had an audience, the way he spoke to her so curtly most of the time to the rare instances that he really spoke to her. Even after his attempt of an explanation, the way he so abruptly left after helping unlace her dress only reinforced the mix of emotions she felt towards him, and more questions of how he felt about her.
As for Alexander, a part of her, as much as she hadn't wanted to admit it, had begun to suspect that he did care for her in that way She had noticed it in the way he looked at her, the happiness when it was just the two of them and the jealousy he tried to hide whenever she mentioned John. She had seen that expression before, it was the way Ky had used to gaze at her in the moments they had together before he disappeared, so she was no stranger to what it meant. Yet, she had never spent any time thinking about the possibility that Alexander felt that way about her. Instead, far too much of her spare time had been trying to figure John out, and now she felt more conflicted than ever.
"Natasha?" Lost in her own thoughts, she hadn't heard the door to the room open slowly, but she turned immediately at the sound of John's voice. She watched as he lit a lamp on his desk, bringing a warm glow to the space around them that she had left to darkness, casting shadows across both of their faces.
"Don't you think you should be sleeping?" John questioned, remaining on the far side of his desk. The shadows from the light darkened the circles around his eyes even more, making him tired and older than he was. She wondered when the last time he got a decent night's sleep was.
"Don't you think you should be?" She replied quickly, watched an amused smile twitch on John's lips at her retort. He seemed more relaxed than when he had left the room earlier, the kind of attitude he'd had the first time they spoke on The Nightingale, the easygoing confidence he/d shown when he strode into the Governor's party as if it was the most natural thing in the world for him to be there. This was the John she preferred.
"Come on, then," John said as he rounded the desk towards her, extending one of his hands towards her. Natasha looked between his calloused palm and his face. "You need sleep. I could do with some as well. Castille and Maverick can mind the ship for a few hours."
Two weeks ago, the idea of taking John's hand and walking with him towards a bed that they would share would have made Natasha flush, but so much had changed since then that she felt little hesitation in taking his hand and letting him pull her from the floor.
Knowing John would likely leave before she woke, Natasha settled herself onto the inner section of the mattress that pressed against the wall, curling onto her side and watching as John sat on the edge of the bed. He hunched over, unlacing his boots, and Natasha's eyes carefully studied the way his shoulders and arms worked with the movements. When his boots were set at the edge of the bed, John stood again for a moment to extinguish the candle on his desk, so his body became nothing more than a faint shadow, barely visible with the light of the moon and the stars that bathed the room. She watched his figure as he lowered himself onto the bed, feeling the mattress shift under his weight as he settled onto his back beside her.
"Why wouldn't you tell me that it was Alexander assaulted you after Jack and I were taken?" Natasha asked after a moment of silence, a moment of studying John's shadow of a profile beside her, waiting to see if his eyes would close. When they didn't, she spoke.
"It was something Alexander needed to tell you himself," John responded, keeping his head still and his eyes up towards the ceiling. "It wasn't my place to share how he feels about you." Natasha's cheeks flushed at the mention of Alexander's feelings and the idea that John knew what they were, and the thought of now lying next to him when they were both away of how Alexander felt caused guilt to flutter throughout Natasha's stomach. Closing her eyes, she rolled onto her back, putting more space between her and John. She lay there in silence for a moment, listening to the alternate breaths she and John were taking, knowing she would never be able to fall asleep next to him with the dozens of questions running through her mind.
"John?" She turned back to her side, scanning his profile for an indication that he was awake. His eyes were closed, be he stirred and murmured something when she said his name.
"You said before that you used to think you could trust Alexander with my protection. It implies that you no longer do." She waited silently as John inhaled and exhaled deeply, and for a moment she thought that he had fallen fully asleep, until she saw his lips begin to move and his voice quietly breaking the silence between them.
"I still do," he replied, but Natasha could hear the caveat hanging at the end of his words, and as he paused, she wondered if he would open up to her enough to be honest about where that caution came from.
"But there's something else?" Natasha pressed, watching as John sat up suddenly and swung his legs over the side of the bed. Natasha followed suit, sitting up quickly and tucking her legs underneath her, watching John, waiting for him to leave but desperately hoping that he wouldn't.
"I thought we were going to sleep," John sighed, still facing away from her as he ran his hands through his hair and down his face, a movement of frustration as his shoulders tensed.
"I need to know why you think you can't trust Alexander to be around me anymore. Why do his feelings for me make any difference?"
"For somebody who seems so talented at perceiving and capturing details of people in her art, you seem to lack that skill in real life." Natasha frowned at John's back, trying to ignore the way his comment hurt her.
"I only have this problem with you. You seem to determined to hide everything from me all the time." She inched forward on the bed, moving closer to John's side so she could see his profile again, trying desperately to search his expression in the dark. She could feel the anticipation of his answer fluttering in her stomach, the expectation of what he might say filling her with nerves she didn't think she would have. It brought her back to Alexander's suggestion that she cared about John in a different way than she cared about Alexander, the way that Alexander said he cared for her, and for the first time she started to believe that Alexander's perception was right.
"It's what's best for both of us, believe me."
"John," Natasha sighed, growing frustrated with his determination to avoid answering her question. She reached towards him in the dark, letting her fingers find her chin to turn his face towards her. To her surprise, John didn't resist, and his head turned easily with the pressure of her fingers. She hoped he couldn't feel the way they trembled slightly as they made contact with his skin, and she began to pull them away, only to be stopped by John reaching up with his own hand, closing his fingers around her own. They lingered together for a moment before John pushed her hand down to the mattress and released it, pulling his arm back towards him.
"You should get some rest," he said stoically, slipping his feet back into his shoes. Natasha watched him as he stood up and started making his way towards the door, shutting her down and keeping her out once again. Frustrated that he was once again keeping her at bay, Natasha stood from the bed and followed him quickly, putting herself between him and the door before he could reach it.
"Why do you keep doing this?" She said, looking up at him. "Why do you always keep me at a distance?" She studied his face carefully, closely, searching for any clues in his expression but she saw none. He was once again neutral, hiding his feelings well behind a stoic expression and distant eyes.
"We'll be at Acalia in less than one week, Natasha. What would the point be?" He reached around her for the door, and Natasha had no choice but to move out of the way, otherwise she knew John would have pulled the door open into her in his attempt to leave the room. This time, she let him go, listening to the receding sound of his boots beyond the door now closed between them. When she could no longer hear his footsteps, she turned, but instead of going back to the bed, she returned to her seat on the floor at the back of the room to look up at the stars.
Without even saying it, Natasha now understood exactly how John felt about her and why he kept himself at a distance from her. He was right. There was never any intention of John accompanying her once they reached Acalia. Their agreement was John would bring her there, buy beyond their arrival, Natasha's expectations were that she would be on her own. No matter what John felt towards her, nor what she may feel towards him, in a matter of days they would be going their separate ways, and John was right. What would be the point?
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A/N: I didn't realize how short this chapter was when I first wrote it, but I've been so swamped I literally haven't even opened my laptop in about 4 days. And I miss writing but I do not have the time or energy this week. :/
Also, I did not move on to the Wattys Shortlist, and I'm admittedly a little bummed (who wouldn't be?) but I'm also still super grateful that I made it to the Longlist in the first place, especially with this being my first serious story on Wattpad. It was still a huge honor to even make it onto that list, and I'm looking forward to entering again next year! :)
So thank you to everyone who's read or voted, and I hope you continue to enjoy the story! :)
PS! Happy National Talk Like A Pirate Day!