Behti Rehti
Nahar Nadiya Si
Teri Duniya Mein
Meri Duniya Hai
Teri Chaahaton Mein
Main Dhal Jaati Hoon
Teri Aadaton Mein
'Gar Tum Saath Ho
She lifts her head from his lap, not quite meeting his eyes. Somehow though she's been privy to his temper and outbursts since the very beginning, has seen accusations and hatred in her eyes aimed at the world and even herself in general she doesn't know how to deal with his hatred aimed at himself. She can't understand how to calm his temper against the rough hand that fate has dealt him, them, this time around.
Yes, he's the one incapacitated but she's just as affected by his plight. Why won't he understand, anything that hurts him, affects him, hurts her and affects her just the same. He's a part of her, he's her other half. Why would he think she must abandon him, how could he think she should leave him?
The anger and hurt still simmer and bubble under her; tears streaming down her eyes and over her face.
Tears he notices and wipes with a gentle hand.
Amidst a blurred vision, she senses him dropping his guard finally as he leans down with tears of own in his eyes; gently cupping her face in his hands as he does so, dropping a kiss on her forehead as he whispers to her, her Raman,
"I'm sorry. I'm so, so sorry."
"Why do you say such things if they lead to both of us crying and you apologising Raman?"
"Because that's who I am, you know that. I don't have a filter when it comes to you."
"No, you don't." She agrees and watches him wince a little.
"How easy is it for you to ask me to go away again. I suppose it's a habit now with you. Just like it's with me that I tend to stick around though you repeatedly want me to leave whenever things fall apart."
"I cannot watch you suffer because I'm a burden Ishita. This time I wasn't angry on you but at myself."
"Tell me then, will your anger fade away if I leave? Will you stop your own assumptions that let you decide what you're to me or not? Will you be happy if I am away when you have no one else to be around you all the time? Because you do know that everyone else has been keeping a distance from you to avoid your anger issues but I don't know when to quit, isn't it?"
For the first time in his eyes she watches a fear, a fear of falling apart completely as it hits him what she said, what he had said.
She can see the wheels in his mind spinning as he imagines a life without her again, only this time he's stuck in his own body and mind as his limbs fail him and his mind works against him. Knowing it in his heart of hearts without her, he'd be frighteningly alone even amidst family. They'd leave him to his devices, avoid him to not deal with his anger and outbursts & get a caretaker to look after his everyday needs. His parents are too old to look after him now, his siblings have lives of their own. His daughters have their business and studies too to keep them busy. Ruhi and Alu would get married and leave sometime in the future, Pihu's gonna get busier as she goes older and Adi is too young to even comprehend or do anything.
He'd be all alone, a wreck not just in body, but mind, heart and soul as well.
The thought itself scares him so much that he engulfs Ishita in the fiercest hug they've ever shared.
He weeps bitterly over her shoulder, hiding his face in the crook of her neck.
"I don't know why this is happening to me? I don't Ishita, I don't know what I was thinking when I said all that, I just... I feel like a failure when I see you need me and I cannot be there for you even though I'm right there."
He looks her in the eye as he asks her,
"Do you think anyone would have dared to hurt you and I would have let them go without making them suffer? Do you know what it feels like when I see you in a situation where I can lose you in front of my eyes and I cannot do a single thing to save you as I am myself so helplessly miserably dependent on everyone?"
Wiping away the tears from his eyes, she looks at him with a ferocity that stuns him.
"Do you think that I don't understand that? Do you Raman? Tell me that. When I lost my eyesight I was miserable and scared too but I knew I would be alright because I had you. I have been in this place Raman. Just because we both got dependent on each other due to different reasons doesn't mean I don't know what this is like. Because I do. But I didn't push you away Raman, when you were there for me. I didn't even once think about asking you to leave me because I knew that you never thought about me as a burden to deal with. Then how can you believe that I would have thought it of you? How can you assume that? I know the feeling when someone you love needs you and you don't know how to help them because you're helpless yourself. Remember the man who attacked me that night Raman? Pihu was at home and I don't know what I'd have done had something happened to her in my presence while I was unable to defend my own child. I would have never been able to live with myself again Raman, but I didn't give up. I couldn't and my faith was not in vain because you showed up in time. You saved us. Is your need to protect me any different from mine to protect Pihu that day, when it comes from love in both cases?"
He looks at her as she continues,
"Do you remember Raman when you once came to our room and startled me by speaking suddenly? I dropped my glass of water and it shattered immediately. I hadn't any slippers on and you stopped me from moving a muscle. You picked up my slippers and made me wear them, kneeling down in front of me as you put them on my feet. Remember? I didn't ask you once to do that. But I didn't object to it either. Then once I had worn my suit's Anarkali kurta on the inside out because I couldn't see. You came to call me for breakfast and helped me change. You didn't even ask my permission to do it. You just did. And I didn't mind, because if not you, who else could I be so comfortable with even in my vulnerability? Who could I rely on without any hesitation if not you?
Maybe I was a burden to you then so you're feeling like one now. I should apologise for all that then. I should have asked you to leave me. We..."
"Stop it. Shut up."
"Why Raman? It would have been better. I mean it's not like we knew when I could have found a donor. Ashok's wish of donating his eyes to me was known, but we might have not been a match. He could have survived a little longer. Maybe a year or two. I could have still been blind and you could have begun hating me because I was being a burden to you, isn't it right? You..."
She never got to finish the sentence as his lips captured hers, hungry and desperate; making her moan as his mouth plundered hers. Pulling his hair, she kissed him back with an equal fervor.
They released each other when they ran out of breath and he dropped another light as a feather kiss on her lips.
"Help me get on the bed." He asked her softly.
Getting to her feet she got behind his wheelchair and rolled it towards his side of the bed. Once there, in a routine that had now started becoming easier they managed to get him on the bed, with his arms around her as she supported his weight until he was seated on the bed and lifted his legs afterwards placing them on the bed.
"Close the door." He asked her softly and she did unquestionably, wondering what's going on in Raman's head.
There he was, with his arms open, waiting for her; a vulnerable look on his face; as she turned around after closing the door and she felt her eyes mist over, for it had been so long. She missed the feeling of being wrapped up in his arms. Running towards him, she climbed the bed and threw herself in his waiting arms.
They clung to each other and wept softly again. Finally when neither had any tears left, but they were loathe to part, he murmured softly,
"I wanted to hold you since the moment I woke up in the hospital. I wanted to hold you so much, so badly.... I didn't even know how much I wanted this until now."
"So did I..." she whispered softly against his skin, lovingly kissing the base of his neck as she said so, making his lips curve, as his arms tightened around her even harder; while he planted a kiss on her hair, with a smile on his lips.
The first smile that truly graced his lips since his world crashed around him as with her in his arms, his heart soared and he felt alive, all over again.