We talked about five minutes before saying goodbye. It felt good to hear her voice. Mrs. Cooper had always been kind to me. It sure was nice that she didn't try to talk to me on behalf of Tara like asking me to forgive her or anything. She just made me promise to come visit her soon because she missed me.
"She misses you," Tara said as I hand her the phone.
"And I miss her too," I said, looking down at the ground, realising Mrs. Cooper is one of the nicest people I've met on Earth.
"You know, I heard her."
I look at her, confused. There's nothing secret about we talked about. It was just an ordinary conversation.
"Heard what?" so I asked.
"That she'd try to get rid of me so you could come and visit her," she said with her eyes rolled.
But I could tell she was just being playful rather than offended. I just chuckle.
"But she doesn't have to. And you wouldn't have to sneak in. If I make you uncomfortable, I'd be willing to go out to the mall or something so you two could spend some quality time," she said sincerely.
Do I believe her? Almost. After all she's done to me, could you blame me for not believing her? But I decide to give her the benefit of the doubt. I don't want to hold out any anger anymore. It didn't do me good.
"I know, coming from me that is hard to believe. But my mum... she..." her words were lost.
I look at her, trying to figure this Tara sitting next to me. Is this an act? Tara Cooper lied about a lot of things but her mum was a different story. Even if it's bad news, she'd never lie to anyone about her mum. So I think maybe I could believe her next words to come. She takes a deep breath and looks at me intensely.
"After you were gone, I started to look at the world differently. This might sound like a lie or scripted or whatever but now I'm reorganising my priorities. I've reconsidered things and people who truly matter. And when you left I-I... I realise there might be only two people in this insane world who truly loves me. My mum... And you," at this point, her voice sounded weak.
That's right. I love her. I loved her. Is it a past tense or present? I don't know. But they do say that first loves are forever. That could be the reason why I still have feelings for her.
"Yeah, but the only difference is that you never loved me back," I said with a tear escaping my eye.
It stings even if those words did come out of my mouth. From the corner of my right eye, I see Tara shifting her body so she is facing me. She quickly gets up and squats right in front of me, pulling my hand with hers.
"That's not true. That's not true at all," she said in a pleading voice.
I finally built up some courage and look up ahead to stare her right in the eyes to try to read her emotions. What I'm seeing right now is a mystery. Tara... She's crying again. And I pull my hand away from her to tell her the truth about what happened between us.
"You don't have to be polite to try to make me feel better. If you had loved me, I surely would have known that," I admitted while wiping away my tears with my sleeve.
"No-" she tried to interrupt but I won't let her.
Standing up is the best decision to do right now. I need to feel like I have some control over myself eventhough I can't control what I feel. Even as my knees wobble a bit, I know I have to go through with what's in my head.
"It's okay Tara. It really is. It does hurt when the person you love doesn't love you back but that's just life. I beat myself up for whatever I let happened in the past. And I used to feel sorry for myself but not anymore. Well, maybe I still do, a little bit. But I realise I have to be grateful with what I have and not mourn at what I don't. I'll admit. I'm still hurting inside. It hurts to see you. It even pains me to be so close to you. But the last thing I need right now is another lie. Don't tell me I matter to you because I know that I don't. I've accepted that fact not so long ago. And that's okay. It really is..."
After saying that, I feel better. But that sense of security suddenly disappears as I see Tara's crushed face. I still do care about her and seeing her in this state worries me. I've never seen her so vulnerable and hurt. She closes her eyes and turns around while calling herself stupid. She even smacks herself in the head as if it is some sort of punishment. Bewildered at this scene, I couldn't comprehend why she is so frustrated. She finally turns around and marches right up at me. She's going for a hug but I won't let her so I take a few steps back. Noticing this, she stops in her tracks with a look of hurt flashes over her terrified eyes. I shift awkwardly, facing my body into another direction, just in case she tries to touch me again. I really can't be in her arms anymore. I know it would weaken me.
"Please don't touch me. I'm hurting so much right now. So please don't," I begged.
"What have I done..." she said it more like she's saying it to herself rather than asking me.
"I wanna move on. Please respect that. You owe me that much. I won't tell anyone else about our past if it embarrasses you. I won't get in your way anymore. I won't cause you much trouble anymore. I swear, I can really take care of myself... And I-I won't bother you with my feelings anymore because the truth finally slapped me in the face. I know you don't feel the same way and there's no need for you to reciprocate my feelings. You never did. So you don't have to start now," I told her.
I finally did. But it still hurts. I still remember her painful insults of how I was nothing but a nuisance to her. Her jaws drop to the ground, disbelieving every word that's coming out of my mouth. Maybe she didn't expect me to be this forgiving? Who knows. I finally don't care what she's really thinking right now.
"Like I said, I really do wish you have a great life in front of you. By the look of things, you've also make amends with your mum; which is cool. But I would suggest you to maybe try to stay away from Michael's friends, for your own safety," I half whispered the last part to her.
It isn't just her jaws, even her knees and body are glued to the ground. This thing is taking a toll on her. Frankly, it does the same to me. I feel weak. My head's dizzy. Suddenly I feel very thirsty. This Tara right in front of me is a creature that makes me even more confused. I need to get out of here. I need fresh air. And I need it now. This conversation isn't over but I don't think both of us are in the right condition for it. Without even saying goodbye, my feet just drag me back to the school. Maya sees me as I make my way to the entrance but that only causes me to fasten my speed. I don't need anyone slowing me down. I need to get out of there. It was suffocating me. Maya calls out to me but I don't answer her. This only motivates her to run up to me, which is not a hard thing to do since I'm out of shape.
"What happened? You okay?" she asked.
I only shake my head and continue walking. Why am I running? Why did I walk away? Even I don't understand it. Am I scared? But this feels good. Walking out on Tara feels damn good! But my heart has a mind on its own. Just like that, the good sensation I had earlier is gone. And it's replaced by a shudder of hurt. It hurts so much it's making me weak in the knees again. I would have dropped flat on my face if Maya's quick hands hadn't caught my waist just in time. One hand is on my waist and another wraps around my neck. Unfortunately, her palm rests on the top of my chest, giving her access to my rapid heartbeat. She looks at me worried. She knows something's wrong.
"Ivy! Ivy!" someone called out my name as Maya helped me to my feet.
That person is no other than the devil herself. She is panting quite heavily as she stops in front of me. What more does she want? Maybe she's pissed off that I just walked out on her. Out of the blue, she grabs me by the hand and pulls me to her body, clashing her lips against mine. Oh shit! It all happens too quickly, catching me by surprise that I didn't have time to push her away. Once I gain my balance, my mind yells at me to push her away. But my lips sent a new message to my brain first before my limbs could react. I realise that Tara's trying to say something through this kiss. It's filled with so much passion and love that it reminds me of my old feelings. I remember this kiss. I used to give it to Tara once upon a time. Then my lips taste something salty. And I realise they are her tears. She pulls back and stares deep into my eyes without releasing her arms from my waist.
"You're wrong. You're totally wrong," she whispered.
She tucks a strand of hair behind my ear and shakes her head. What was I wrong about?
"I do love you. I love that your silly grin would greet me in the morning even though I hate mornings. I love how small your hand is in mine," she said smiling weakly as she brought both our hands up and intertwined our fingers together.
"I love how adorable you are when you talk about your family. I love how cute you sound on the phone. I love how pink your cheeks are when you're embarrassed or upset. I find it cute whenever you get angry. I love how you would always write cute messages on my Starbucks cup. I love it when you invisibly draw up our names in the shape of a heart on my back before I fall asleep. I love that my mum adores you. I love how your lips curve downwards whenever you're hungry. I love how oblivious you are to people who have a crush on you," she said that while glancing at Maya.
"I love your sterling grey eyes. I love your small cute nose. I love your chubby cheeks. I love your medium sized pink lips. I love your sharp chin. I love your tiny jaws. I love your long neck. I love the smoothness of your skin. I love the small size of your nails. I love every single mole you have on your body especially the one on the chest," she pointed it out, which made me embarrassed cause now people now.
"And I know I've lost the right, every right- to hold you, to kiss you, to make love to you, to listen to your rambles, to touch you, to stare at you, to check you out because I didn't treat you how you should be treated. You didn't deserve what I did to you. You didn't deserve what I put you through. I know I'm the most screwed up person in this entire world. I know I'm beyond repair but you should know that I was very much in love with you and still am. You mean absolutely everything to me. And I was stupid because I let you walk away. I'm a jackass because I never told you how I feel and made fun of you when you told me you love me. Really, that actually was one of the happiest days in my entire sad life. But I was too proud. Too caught up with my own ego and selfishness to even realise an amazing yet beautiful person loves me despite all that I am.
I love you. I fucking love you. I fell for you the first moment I laid my eyes on you. And I swear that's the truth. I know I don't deserve another chance but I want you to know- need you to know how I truly feel. And I'm sorry."
Her body collapsed down to the floor while she sobs. She loves me? Tara Cooper actually did love me? Am I dreaming? Or should I wait for her punchline? I look at my surroundings and find people crowding us. They heard everything that she said. Out in the open, Tara confessed her true feelings for me. And I don't know how to respond to that.
***
So a lot of readers want Ivy to end up with Tara. Actually, I don't like it. But, if you could convince me why they should end up together, maybe I'd consider it. ;)