Avoiding life and all of its inherent problems was starting to become a challenge. Four days had passed since I shared a bed with Axel, and hanging around him made my skin itch. It was hard to pinpoint exactly what it was that set me off, but being in Axel's vicinity sent nervous energy surging through me at all times. This was a new and foreign kind of nervousness — one I resented and wished away.
Axel, on the other hand, seemed more open and friendly than ever. He would voluntarily strike up a conversation while we were working, or suggest grabbing something to eat before heading to his place. It was a strange, unsettling shift in our relationship, not necessarily because we were closer, but mostly because it threw me for a loop.
Upon visiting Axel's place three days after the Incident, I was met with a spotless apartment once again. Every single item that had been strewn about was cleaned away. The windows that shattered had been replaced, and a new array of cups were lined on the inside of Axel's cupboards. He was sporting a new cell phone as well, an upgraded model of his previous belonging. It was evident that Axel's dad had no problem cleaning up after his son's outbursts, and I found myself wondering if it was a reoccurring event.
It was Thursday, and the October winds were wreaking havoc on the city and its inhabitants. A depressing mood hung over the buildings and city streets, a testament to days that were growing both longer and colder. I was wearing my brother's winter coat these days, trying to ignore how ridiculously big it looked on my scrawny frame.
Seth and I were camped out on a bench by the local cathedral, a spot that was surrounded by tombstones and memorial statues from the war. It had been a lunch spot of ours for as long as I could remember, and sitting around dead people and the occasional tourist was oddly comforting. Seth was in the middle of scarfing down his mom's famed pasta salad while I contemplated life's puzzles and mysteries.
"Do you think dead people have worries?" I leaned against the bench and studied a spider that was climbing the grave in front of me.
"What, now?" Seth mumbled through his mouthful of carbs.
"Dead people. Do you think they worry about stuff? I mean, wherever they are..."
"Nao, my good friend." Seth swallowed his food and turned my way, setting his inquisitive eyes on my face. "Could you maybe ask the questions you really want to ask?"
"I just did."
"See, that's a lie," he said. "We're feasting among the deceased, true, but your mind is not with the dead right now." He considered me seriously. "So what's this really about?"
I cast my eyes downward. Of course Seth could tell. I'd been weird ever since I held Axel's hand, and no diverting or lying would change that. The trees around us rustled gently in the wind, almost urging me to open my mouth and tell Seth.
"Promise you won't make fun of me?" I asked, pointedly avoiding eye contact.
"When have I ever made fun of you, Nao?"
I sent my friend a flat stare. "How about every day of my life?"
He chuckled and proceeded to bump his shoulder against mine. "Fine, I promise. Now, spill before I freeze my butt off. Break's almost over."
"Well..." I sank back into the tired bench, leaning into the armrest on the side. A blush was already creeping up my neck, and the world felt too small and unforgiving all of a sudden. I knew Seth wouldn't make fun of me, but there was something about saying things out loud that scared the crap out of me.
"Things have been... weird," I said at last, not knowing how to explain it. "You know, things with Lily."
"I don't really know," Seth interjected. He was eating again, finishing up his lunch. "You didn't exactly tell me about it. Just that it was bad."
I nodded. "Yeah, it was bad. The thing is, I rejected her, and I don't entirely know why."
"You don't love her?"
"I do— or, I thought I did, but," I bit my lip. "Not the right way."
Seth put his lunch away, tucking the transparent Tupperware box back into his bag. He had a gentle expression on his face when he met my eyes.
"You mean you...?"
"I don't know!" I exclaimed, bending forward to conceal my face. "She was really eager to fast-forward things, but I wasn't into it. I thought if I waited long enough I'd come around to it, but..." My shoulders slumped, and the sand-colored grass appeared even duller than it was. "But I didn't."
"Hey," Seth's hand landed on my shoulder and gave it a squeeze. His playful eyes were warm now, when I dared meet them. "It's okay, man. If it wasn't right, it wasn't. You'll meet someone later that will be." Another reassuring squeeze. "I guarantee it."
"I'm not so sure, man," I said, but returned his smile. Seth always knew how to make me feel better, even if what he said may not always be the truth. I didn't know what the truth was either, but I did know I had a second thing to tell Seth.
"So, uh..."
"There's more?"
"Well, this is the part where you might make fun of me."
Seth laughed, an uplifting and lively sound. "Okay, I'm intrigued. Spill." He was giving me his best impression of an excited teenager, all buzz cut and earrings and silly grin. "This better be good, Summers."
Blushing once again, I hid my face in my hands. I wasn't prepared for this. I was not up for doing this. Shit. "Okay, so." I licked my lips. "I've been doubting the whole... love-thing lately — because of Lily, right — And it got me thinking. What if... What if I'm not capable of loving anyone, period?" I let my eyes close. "What if I'm defective, or weird, or..."
"You know there are people out there that don't fall in love, right?" Seth asked, voice alive, yet serious. "That's not a sign of being defective. My cousin's like that and he's the happiest guy I ever saw."
"Right, but I don't... I thought that might be it, but a few things happened, and now I'm thinking maybe..." I paused, trying to catch hold of both my breath and my wits. "Maybe I'm not."
"You've lost me, Nao."
Everything seemed to be spinning around me. How could I get the words out in a way Seth would understand? How could I explain when I didn't even get it myself? I held my breath and then released it in one long puff.
"I-held-hands-with-Axel-and-it-made-me-feel-weird."
"Wait, what?" Seth leaned forward a bit too eagerly and toppled to the ground in a heap of confusion. "You held hands with Axel? When? Why?"
"Ugh," I moaned, turning my body away from my friend. Saying it out loud was like acknowledging it had happened. I wasn't accustomed to acknowledging uncomfortable things. My preferred way of dealing with them was to brush them under the rug and pretend they didn't exist. Now I'd gone and done the opposite of that, speaking this particular worry into existence, word by wretched word.
"Wait, are you and Axel..."
"No! It's nothing like that." I helped Seth back up on the bench. Lunch break had ended five minutes ago, but Seth had more pressing matters to attend to now. "Some stuff happened, and it was just a spur of the moment thing. Like when you pat my back when I'm upset. It wasn't... Like that."
"...But you felt like it was, didn't you?" Seth's eyes were round as saucers, two painfully green and attentive observers. He'd never been able to drag anything as honest as this out of me before.
"Yeah," I finally admitted, head downcast. "It's probably nothing, but it felt weird."
"Do you..." Seth scratched his neck, obviously trying to word his next question as delicately as possible. "Do you like Axel?"
I stared at him, eyes probably mirroring his own shocked expression. "What? No!" Seth opened his mouth to speak, but I was quicker. "At least — I don't think I do? Wait—"
Something sprouted inside my mind at that moment, and the next thing I did was slap Seth on the shoulder, hard and swift.
"Ow!" he yelled. "What was that for?!"
"Why are we talking about crushes in a graveyard?!" I yelled back, equally mortified. "I-isn't that like sacrilege or something?! Besides, lunch was over five minutes ago, we should go!"
I got up and gathered my things, face feeling flushed and far too warm for its own good. Seth quickly followed suit and tailed my erratic escape through the graveyard and back into the streets. I was fuming, but I couldn't decipher why. I'd wanted to tell Seth about things, but I didn't want this.
As we beeped our key cards at the school entrance and stepped into the welcome hall, Seth grabbed hold of my elbow.
"What?" I hissed, pride still hurting.
"I'm with you," he said, eyes aglow. "No matter what. No matter who you might love." He squeezed my arm, a subtle but meaningful gesture. "Okay?"
"...Okay."