Total Drama All-Stars Re-Write
Season Finale: The Final Wreck-ening
Re-written and Edited by Joey Turner and Tanya Furness
Chris: (Voiceover, as clips from ALL SEASON play) This season on Total Drama All-Stars, 18 competitors returned for another shot at $1,000,000! Your favorite heroes and villains battled for supremacy in our most painful, and grueling challenges ever! But, it was the betrayals that cut the deepest; (Clip of Cameron using Scott as shark bait plays) Cameron used Scott for shark bait, (Clip of Alejandro revealing he can walk again plays) Alejandro could walk the whole time, (Clip Gwen getting mad at Courtney's chart plays) Courtney lied about wanting to go to the end with Gwen, (Clips of Owen acting nervous around the others play) Owen kept a painful secret from his friends, (Clips of Mal in action play) and Mike repeatedly left his best friends in the lurch. Or, was it all the work of Mal, Mike's evil, long-lost personality? (Clips from the previous episode play) in the end, Zoey won the penultimate challenge, and Owen and Scott took a ride in the Flush of Shame.
(Cut to the Dock of Shame, where Chris is in his blue tuxedo)
Chris: after 14 killer challenges and two bang-on aftermaths, we're down to our final three players! (Chris gestures to Chef holding the Million Dollar case right next to him) who will take home the million-dollar prize? (The case opens, upside down, and the money falls on top of the dock) aww, dude! (Chef smiles sheepishly; Chris clears his throat; as he says the contestant's names, pictures of them appear on the screen) will it be Zoey, Gwen, or the evil genius formally known as Mike? Find out right here, right now, on the season finale of Total Drama All-Stars!!
(Opening credits)
(Zoom into the loser cabin, girls' side, at night; Gwen is sitting alone in her bed, sketching on her sketchpad)
Gwen: (Sighs contently) another season, another torture fest by the skeeze-ball formally known as Chris McLean. (Zoom in on her sketch, which shows her and Duncan standing over a dead Chris)
(Confessional: Gwen)
Gwen: what can I say about THIS season that I haven't said about every other season? (As she speaks, clips of the mentioned events play with her voiceover) ...Nothing, this season pretty much sucked too. I get cast as a villain for ONE... ok, a COUPLE of stupid mistakes, my boyfriend gets carried off to jail, and COURTNEY, the girl I've been busting my butt all season to try and make up with, turns out was just using me to make it to the end; yeah, that went well as usual, Courtney! Add to it, not only do I get stuck with the same old freaks; now I get to meet a whole NEW generation of meat-headed (Lightning), cutthroat (Jo), egocentric (Anne Maria), dirty (Scott), unpredictably creepy (Mal) freaks of nature!!! (Blows on her hair; smiles a bit) but I guess, like season 1, I was lucky enough to meet a few normal-ish people on the island (Zoey, Cameron, Dawn, Brick) ...and I still got to be with the best freaks I've ever known (Duncan, Owen, and Noah). AAAND, I'm the first contestant ever to make it to the finale TWICE! Whoo-hooo!! (Frowns again) ok, I'm done here. (Shoves camera out of her face)
(Confessional ends)
(Cut to the next morning, this time in the spa hotel control room. Zoey is sitting in the chair up to the dashboard, re-watching the Mal clips again; including sabotaging the boat race, beating up Owen and Izzy, breaking Brick's goggles, and sabotaging the votes; Zoey just looks on seriously)
(Confessional: Zoey)
Zoey: overall, except for the last few days... for obvious reasons, this season wasn't too bad. It was really great getting to see my old friends from last season again ...except for Lightning and Anne Maria, obviously. And getting to compete with some of the classic players was awesome! Gwen, if I don't win tomorrow, I sincerely hope you do! She deserves it; (Turns serious) besides, I've got other things to worry about. Mike's been Mal longer than I thought, but that doesn't mean that Mike's not in there.... Right?
(Confessional: Mal)
Mal: Zoey knows I'm not Mike, but still brought me to the finale? Oh, her devotion to Mike is touching. (Chuckles) and with Mike trapped in my subconscious, that million dollars is mine! (Cackles evilly)
(Confessional ends)
(Mal's evil laughter echoes, as the camera zooms into Mal's brain again. This time we cut directly to the evil tower, the top is shown much clearer now, it looks like Mal's head with his one eye glowing purple. Mike and all the good personalities walk right up to the door, which has a picture of Mal's face and five bodies on it; Chester is still riding piggy-back on Mike's back)
Manitoba: here we are; welcome to the tower of Mal!
Vito: uh, why ain't it guarded by bouncers, or dogs, or an ugly cat or something?
Mike: Mal just figured we'd never get this far. (Notices the picture) huh, check it out! This door's got five people on it... five of us! This MUST be the right way! (Grabs onto the door handle) come on let's get...
(Mike tugs on the door, but it falls backwards on top of all five of them)
Chester: (Groaning from underneath the door) I knew it was too easy!
(The door flies upwards as the personalities try and push it off)
Mike: (Struggling) come on! Just a little.... (The door falls back on top of them) this can't be how it ends! Was everyone pushing their hardest?! (The other personalities, except Chester, mutter in confirmation) ...Chesteeer?!
Chester: what? I got noodles for arms, just like the rest of us!!!
Mike: On three! Everyone; One, two, (The door shoots back up again)
All five: THREE!!!
(The door falls forwards, out of the way, and the personalities head inside the tower; Vito carries Chester inside. Inside the tower is nothing but a spiral staircase)
Mike: yes! Nothing can stop us! (His words echo; they all look up and see just how high the tower really is, the staircase leading all the way to the top. Mike just groans)
(Cut back to reality)
Chris: (Over the loudspeaker) Good morning, finalists! Meet me in the forest clearing, and get ready to diet! ...Sorry, typo. Get ready to die!
(Cut to Zoey walking through the woods)
Gwen: (Runs up beside her) Zoey, wait up!
Zoey: (Smiles a bit) ooh, morning, Gwen. Hey, good luck today!
Gwen: thanks. ...Course don't think just because we're like sisters now doesn't mean I'm gonna go easy on you. (Zoey chuckles) ...OR Mal.
Zoey: (Gasps) you know about Mal?
Gwen: Duncan. (Grunts) We should've listened to him.
Zoey: no, I should've. I dunno, I guess me loving Mike, the REAL Mike, made me believe anything. (Sighs) love, am I right?
Gwen: (Puts hand on shoulder) yeah, love just loves messing with people. (They look awkwardly at Mal as he follows them from behind)
Mal: (Imitating Mike) morning, girls! Uh, ooh, thanks again for bringing me to the finale. I know things have been...
Zoey: (Stops right in front of Mal, glaring at him) I didn't do it for YOU, I did it for Gwen and MIKE!
Gwen: (Glaring at Mal as well) yeah, you can drop the act now, MAL!
Mal: (Smiles and shakes his head, his hair flipping down; he speaks like his normal self from now on) ooh, what a relief! Pretending to be that boring was REALLY getting to me. What'd you see in him?
Zoey: I'll take boring Mike over evil Mal any day!
Mal: (Confidently) oh Zoey, don't you get it yet? There's no longer a choice. (Into Zoey's ear) Mike. Is. Gone. And he's never coming back. (Chuckles; Zoey's mouth opens agape)
(Confessional: Zoey)
Zoey: (Nervous) is Mike really never coming back? (Crosses arms) no! That's just what Mal wants me to believe.... I hope.
(Confessional ends)
Mal: (Looks to Gwen) oh, and don't think I haven't forgotten you, Gwen; stay out of my way in the challenge, or I'll make your existence a living misery!
(Gwen just looks at Mal for a few seconds, and then just bursts out laughing)
Mal: (Confused) what? Why're you laughing?!
Gwen: because YOU are the cheesiest bad guy I've ever met!
Mal: (Offended) cheesy?!
Gwen: yeah! The creepy voice, the evil laughing, all you need is a goatee and a cat to pet.
Mal: (Unimpressed) cute, but you're still no match for me. Face it; I'm the best villain in Total Drama history.
Gwen: (Picks Mal up by his shirt, looks angered) all you are is the creep who hurt my friends! So you better stay out of MY way, or my boot is gonna end up in a place you don't want it to... deeply!
Mal: (Mockingly) oooh, scaaary. Just like your pathetic boyfriend with the stupid Mohawk! (Gwen growls lowly while Mal smirks)
(Confessional: Gwen)
Gwen: ok, THAT'S IT!!!! You already crossed the line hurting my friends.... But NOBODY disses the mowhawk!! You know what, Mal? ...bring it!!
(Confessional ends)
(Cut to the final three in front of two trees with a curtain, Chris and Chef are standing right beside the curtain)
Chris: congratulations on making it to the finale... it's something you'll regret for the rest of your lives-
Gwen: (Rolls her eyes) about three and a half years too late for that one, McLean.
Chris: -which will likely be rather short, since this final challenge is SO vicious, SO brutal, SO savage..... (Zoey gasps while Mal and Gwen look unimpressed) that our lawyers said we had to change it.
Zoey: (Sighs in relief) so you made it less dangerous?
Chris: (Mischievously) no, but we told THEM we did! (Chuckles) high-five! (Holds his hand up for Chef.... Chef doesn't respond)
Chef: people gonna die.
Chris: yeah, (Points to the final 3) THOSE people. (Zoey gasps again; Gwen and Mal look a little more nervous) Combatants, choose your weapon! (The curtains open to reveal a wall of weapons; including Chef's meatball bazooka, a harpoon, a stick, two paintball guns, a bow and arrows, a leechball gun, Lightning's leg weapon from last season's finale, a slingshot, and, for some reason, Mr. Coconut and an oven mitt) so, what'll it be? Meatball bazooka; bow and blood-tipped arrows; a leech gun; a slingshot; or... why is there an oven mitt there!?
Chef: (Hastily runs up and grabs the oven mitt) there was an extra hook. (Smiles sheepishly)
Chris: (Moans) fine, I'll get rid of it! (Calls out) yo, personal assistant! Get this mitt back to the prop closet! Now!
(Right as he says that, a reluctant-looking Noah lazily comes out)
Noah: oh yes, I live to serve you, oh great fat chin. (Grabs the oven mitt)
Gwen/Zoey: Noah!?
Gwen: you're Chris' new personal assistant? ...AGAIN?!
Noah: it's not something I'm proud of. Speaking of, horray for the weasel formally known as Mal.
Mal: (Smirks) aww, you're too kind, pipsqueak. So, what's Chris making you kiss his butt for THIS time?
Noah: sorry, that's N.O.M.B. -None Of Mal's Business! But I will say this; I need the money for... important items.
Chris: (Chuckles mischievously) fine, I'll tell them. Noah wants the money for... (Noah forcefully clamps his hands over Chris' mouth. Chris wiggles his mouth free) he wants to buy his aura-reading chicka her own animal shelter!
Noah: (Groans) and THIS is why you can't be trusted with secrets or nice things!
Zoey: aaaaw, Noah...
Noah: yeah, yeah, yeah, I'm sweet like a strawberry sucker encased in sugar coated in a caramel ball the size of Tokyo; can we just get on with this?!?!
(Confessional: Noah)
Noah: I could go on all day about how uneventful and time-wasting this season was, just like every other season... (Sighs) but then I'd probably be lying. It was cool getting to compete with Owen again. (Clears throat awkwardly) that and... a few minor surprises along the way-
(As he says that, a series of Dawn and Noah clips play; including Noah amazed by Dawn in the first challenge, Dawn fixing Noah's head, their accidental kiss, their actual kiss, and a new clip where Noah is reading a book in lotus position, Dawn right next to him)
Noah: and NO, I'm not turning into one of those lovesick puppies who "can't live without his girl!" ...she just, makes me happy and... s-stuff. (Pouts and blushes) ok, I'm out of here.
(Confessional ends)
(Mal grabs the meatball bazooka, Zoey grabs the bow and arrows, and Gwen grabs one of the paintball guns. Cut to an open field where the contestants are all lined up with their weapons, Mal smirking at Zoey and Gwen rolling her eyes at Mal)
Chris: now that you've got your weapons, you'll need them to pop these balloons. (Addresses the 13 giant orange balloons floating in the sky, each one has a familiar looking shape shown in the middle) each one contains a previously flushed All-Star!
Gwen: (Shocked) seriously?! You put them in balloons?!
Noah: (Rolls eyes) yep. I wanted to do the golf balls in the challenge booth again, but apparently it wasn't sadistic enough.
Chris: see, THIS ONE gets it! (Chuckles)
Zoey: but seriously, can they breathe in there?
Chris: (Shrugs) I dunno, ask personal assistant number 2, Owen; he filled them.
(Pan over to Owen, who is covered in bean sauce, surrounded by empty cans, and sitting next to an empty box of balloons)
Owen: Hey guys!
Zoey/Gwen: Owen?
Zoey: (Grossed out) eewww! Are you filling balloons with... farts?!
Owen: w-well yeah. I wanted to come back so I could cheer you and Gwen on, and Chris said the only way I could do that is if I fill these balloons. (Pets his tummy) and these double deep-fried beans REALLY do the trick. (Chuckles) watch! (Grunts, as a balloon starts inflating behind him)
Gwen: (Grossed out) aaaw, dude! Chris stuffed everyone in THOSE?!
Owen: (The balloon stops inflating) wha? Chris! you didn't tell me you were putting people in those balloons! (Gasps) you've been using farts for evil?!!? (The balloon behind him starts to quiver and shake. Pan over to Chris; he cringes as a large popping sound is heard) ...mommy.
Chris: (turns back to the finalists) you have 30 seconds; any all-star you shoot down becomes your helper. Aaaaand, GO!!! (Blows his air horn)
(Mal fires two shots from his bazooka, they go right through two balloons and miss. Zoey fires an arrow at a balloon; it pops, revealing Cameron in his bubble with his left arm in a sling; Cameron screams as the bubble falls down into the forest. Gwen fires a paintball at a balloon, it pops revealing Courtney; Courtney screams as she falls to the earth)
Gwen: (Awkwardly) great... juuuuust great.
(Mal frustratingly fires 3 more meatballs, which only bounce off three balloons. Zoey fires another arrow at a balloon; it pops revealing Dawn in lotus position. Gwen fires another paintball; it pops the balloon revealing Duncan)
Duncan: (Gasps for air) finally! (Falls to the earth)
Gwen: (Gasps) Duncan?!
Chris: Zoey picked up Cameron and Dawn, while Gwen's in a sandwich with Courtney and Duncan again. (Chuckles) what a shock. (Dodges a paintball being shot at him) ow! I was kidding! (Clears throat and looks to Mal) Mike, ya might wanna start trying.
Mal: (Pulls back his bazooka) it's Mal! (Turns towards the girls) girls, why don't you take a break? (Fires his bazooka at the girls, causing them to fall over)
Zoey: ow! Hey!
Gwen: Not cool!!
(Mal smirks and fires four more shots, and this time they actually pop two balloons; one for Heather, and one for Alejandro. They fall to the earth with a grunt, and the air horn sounds)
Chris: time's up! (Looks to an intern with a long pole) ooooh, intern; go collect the rejected helpers, please.
(The intern walks over to the remaining balloons and raises his pole to bring down the balloons. Suddenly a strong wind blows in, blowing the seven remaining balloons far away from the island; the screams of Lightning, Lindsay, Brick, and Scott are heard as the balloons float away. The contestants (Except Mal) all gasp)
Chris: (Cringing) ooooooh. Yyyeah, probably should've tied them down. (His cell phone rings, he picks it up and looks) huh, it's the lawyers. (Stuffs the phone in his back pocket) I'm gonna let it go to voicemail. Ok, let's go!
(Confessional: Gwen)
Gwen: sooo, we're all just gonna ignore the fact that our friends -and Jo, Anne Maria, and Lightning- just got blown away in balloons and are probably gonna fly towards who knows where? ...ok, that's cool. Whatever.
(Confessional: Zoey)
Zoey: (Concerned) if this challenge is as dangerous as Chris says, I feel bad bringing Dawn and Cam back into it. Then again, it's better than letting them float into space. (Smiles hopefully) and they might have an idea of how we can get Mike back! (Worried again) ...if he's still in there.
(Confessional: Mal)
Mal: if Alejandro or Heather get in my way at all, I'll bury them alive.
(Confessional ends)
(Cut to the bushes further in, everyone stands up, recovering)
Dawn: oh, are you ok?
Alejandro: (Doesn't notice who Dawn is talking to) yes I am, actually; your concern is not needed, but appreciated. (Turns back to see Dawn is talking to a little chipmunk)
Dawn: (To Alejandro) hmm, did you say something?
Courtney: (Spits some of the bush out of her mouth and groans) sadism is one thing; THIS was borderline psychotic!! Both Chris AND Owen will be hearing from my lawyers!!!
Duncan: (Rolls eyes) yeah, just sue anyone because you smell like Scott times ten; that'll get you through life.
Courtney: (Smugly) it got me in season 2, didn't it.
Chris: (Off-screen) yo! Helpers, over here!
(The helpers all trudge through the bushes. Once they're out, Dawn, Duncan, Courtney, and Cameron all look excited. Dawn silently goes up to Noah and hugs him tightly)
Cameron: Zoey! Gwen! (Rolls his bubble over to the girls)
Gwen/Zoey: Cameron! (They both hug his bubble)
Duncan: (Clears throat) uh, hello? Dude who just got out of jail looking for a Pasty to hold!
Gwen: (More excited) Duncan!! (Rushes over to Duncan and pulls him in a big hug. She then punches him in the shoulder) Don't EVER do a stunt like that again, you big jerk!!
Duncan: (Smirks) aw come on, babe. Don't pretend you didn't LOVE watching that mansion go up in flames!
Gwen: (Looks away) well... yeah... ok that part was worth it! But it's just that I... missed you.
Duncan: (Puts his hand under her chin) every time I saw a guy trying to break out, I thought of you (Gwen just blushes; they lean in for a kiss when Courtney clears her throat loudly; Duncan groans). Fine, your turn.
(Courtney steps in front of Gwen, the two look away awkwardly for a few minutes)
Noah: (Still holding Dawn) ooh, you can cut the tension with a knife. (Chuckles, Dawn just rolls her eyes)
Courtney: (Weakly) Gwen.
Gwen: (Sternly) ...Courtney.
(After a few minutes, Courtney wraps her arms around Gwen, squeezing her tightly; Gwen's face starts turning blue)
Courtney: (Wailing) I'm sorry, Gwen! I'm honestly, really, sincerely sorry! I know I was an awful friend, and I've been horrible to you and Duncan and Scott, (Momentarily speaks normally, loosens her grip) now that I think about it, I'm not sure I even really liked Scott; just one of those heat of the moment things. (Tightens her grip on Gwen, Gwen's face turns darker blue) But I promise from here on out I'll be the best friend-ish ever! So you just tell me whatever you need and I'll do anything, ANYTHING!!!
Gwen: (Suffocating) need.... Air.... (Courtney sheepishly loosens her grip, Gwen pants heavily to catch her breath) look... Courtney... I forgive you, ok? Just promise me you're serious about wanting to help this time. ...AND promise me you'll never crush my lungs again.
Courtney: Gwen, I swear on my PDA, it's the two of us all the way.
Duncan: (Clears throat) uh, make that the three of us, Big Mouth. (Smirks; Gwen just giggles)
Courtney: (Sighs sadly) ...great. (To Chris) why'd you let him out of jail anyway?
Chris: well, Courtney; as a man who has had his own experience behind bars, I can only do the right thing to show he's still human... MAKE OTHERS SHARE MY PAIN!!! (Chuckles; Duncan just rolls his eyes) ...but, I still needed him for the finale. And, as a bonus, if he promises not to blow up anymore of my things, then he won't have to go back to jail!
Duncan: (Groans) aaaaw, you take the fun out of everything, McLean!
Chris: (Smirking) I know.
Duncan: (Finally glances up and notices Mal smirking at him. Slowly approaches Mal) Oh yeah, I never got to say hey to Mal over here.
Mal: (Chuckles) nice to meet you face-to-face, Duncan Do-Right, the world's baddest cream puff!
Duncan: (Sniffs, hiding his anger) thanks, Mal. Course since I AM such a nice guy, I've got a few NICE words to say to you, PAL! (Inhales. Everyone looks shocked as a series of censored bleeps come out of Duncan's mouth, indicating he is swearing up a storm; Gwen, however, is smiling at all this) –SO THEN YOU'LL HAVE TO (Beep) BACKWARDS!!!! (At this point, even Mal's jaw has dropped)
(Confessional: Mal)
Mal: (Confused) huh... I honestly don't know how to react to that.
(Confessional: Gwen)
Gwen: I don't know if it's just me missing him, or trying to get my breath back after Courtney nearly crushed my spine and lungs... (Smirks and starts fanning herself) but hearing Duncan swear like that was ...kind of hot.
(Confessional: Duncan)
Duncan: (Grunts happily) FINALLY I can swear normally again!! (Slams his fist into the wall, retracts it in pain) oh yeah, I'm back, baby!!
(Confessional ends)
Chris: alright, tearful reunions out of the way; Alejandro and Heather, you will be helping Mal/Mike. Dawn and Cam, you're on team Zoey. And ironically for Duncan and Courtney, you're on team Gwen. But, you six are here as helpers ONLY; meaning, you can't win. (Courtney pouts, but Alejandro and Heather seem calm. Chris notices this and looks unease) meaning, no money. (Still no reaction) zero money, plenty of pain. (Starts talking through his megaphone right in Heather's ear) Heather?! Can! You! Hear! Me!?
Heather: (Annoyed) yes, Chris; I hear you! (Eerily happy) Alejandro and I are FINE with the rules. (The other contestants gasp at the "happy" couple)
Chris: (Gasps in horror) oh no! Are you two.... DATING!?!?
(Confessional: Noah)
Noah: (Frightened) that is... what is... WHAT IS HAPPENING!?!?!?!?
(Confessional: Courtney)
Courtney: (Terrified) Heather... ok with not getting the money?! How can she NOT be losing it! Even I'M LOSING IT!!!!!! (Awkwardly) ...well not out loud.
(Confessional: Alejandro and Heather)
(Heather is seated on Alejandro's lap)
Heather: (Eerily happy) we don't want the money.
Alejandro: the money was getting in the way with our happiness.
Heather: (Forcefully) once we were eliminated, we could FINALLY be together.
Alejandro: and together we are happy.
Heather: (Places both hands on Alejandro's chest) that's what I was gonna say.
Alejandro: (Puts his hand over her chin) I knew you were going to say that.
Heather: I knew you knew.
(They both lean in for a kiss, but a loud knocking is heard from outside)
Chris: out! Get out! That is THE MOST disgusting thing that has ever happened in there!
(Heather and Alejandro simply smirk evilly, and then speak low enough so only the viewers can hear)
Heather: as IF missing the money wouldn't upset us.
Alejandro: making Chris puke will not give us the million we deserve-
Heather: but it DOES make us feel better.
Alejandro: (Smirking towards Heather) especially now that we really ARE together. (Heather just rolls her eyes)
(Confessional ends)
(Cut to the middle of the woods, where a white jeep, driven by an intern and Chris, is pulling along four white passenger wagons; one has Mal, Heather, and Alejandro in it, one with Zoey and Dawn, one with Gwen, Duncan, and Courtney, and the last one with Cameron's bubble)
Zoey: shouldn't we have waited for Owen and Noah?
(The cart finally stops)
Chris: relax, they're just my personal assistants, they'll catch up.
(Suddenly a pair of wheezes is heard, as Owen and Noah sluggishly enter exhaustedly)
Noah: (Panting) thanks for waiting, Mr. Bossman!
Owen: need... oxygen... (Falls forward on Noah, crushing him)
Noah: and now I need oxygen!
Zoey: whoa! Are you two ok?
Owen: (Dazed) mommy? I'm fine, mommy.
Gwen: (Glaring at Chris) and THIS is why you have trouble keeping help, Chris.
Chris: what can I say, not good at the whole ...responsibility thing. (Smirks) kinda like Dawn, am I right? (Dawn lowers her head, looking ashamed)
Noah: (Peeks head from under Owen) um, what? We're talking about the same Dawn, right? About yea tall, has this thing called a soul, adorable?
Mal: (Chuckles maliciously) and negligent. Did you know Dawn knew about me all along... but didn't even bother to tell anyone? (Everyone gasps) instead she was too busy buddying up to her boy toy, and his jumbo-sized pet.
Owen: hey! Who are you calling a boy toy?
Zoey: Dawn?
Dawn: (Sighs sadly) ...I'm afraid he speaks the truth.
Gwen: uh... ok, not judging here, but why didn't you tell anyone?
Dawn: ...I have no excuses. I knew the risks, I knew the threat, and instead of taking responsibility and warning my comrades, I let my emotions cloud my better judgment. Between giving my heart to my dear Noah, and trying to heal the fractured soul of my new friend, Owen... I lost sight of the big picture. I...
(Tears start leaking out of Dawn's eyes until Noah, who's up and running again, rubs them out with his thumb)
Noah: yyeeeaaah, no. I'm gonna have to stop you there, honey. You act like you're the first on this show to lose the big picture because their heart got in the way. (Glares at everyone else) only difference is you can admit it. (Everyone, except Mal and Cameron, looks away awkwardly) so yeah, you're still the weird sister of the wild I... like a lot. (Rubs the back of his neck awkwardly. Dawn just smiles and hugs Noah tightly)
Owen: (Wipes a tear from his own eye) aww that is so beautiful! (Blows his nose on a handkerchief)
Duncan: (Fake cries) they grow up so fast.
Chris: (Through his bullhorn) ENOUGH WITH THE CHEESEY ROMANCE, ASSISTANT!!!
Noah: blow my ears out, why don't you?
Chris: maybe later. Mal, Gwen, Zoey; this season, I've decided to come up with something really danger- (Stops when he remembers the intern is there) eer, I mean, special. Yeah... special, for all three of you; (Gestures to something in front of them all) say hello to the final challenge of Total Drama All-Stars...
(Zoom out to reveal a 4-tier mountain of moats. The bottom moat is glowing green, the next moat is glowing orange, the next moat seems normal, and at the very top appears to be a castle-like structure)
Chris: ...the Moats of Doom! (Lightning strikes in the sky as Chris chuckles. The contestants and helpers, except Mal of course, all gasp)
Noah: uh, I don't remember THIS being part of the challenge.
Chris: yeah, I purposely didn't tell you or Owen because I knew you would've called me "a sadistic, sociopathic, fame-hungry mental case."
(Confessional: Noah)
Noah: (Arms crossed) he was close; I was actually gonna call him "a sadistic, sociopathic, OVERLY-GREASED, fame-hungry mental case."
(Confessional ends)
Chris: each level has a sliver of safe-ish ground, where you'll find tools to help you survive the insane dangers that await you in each moat. (Addresses the green moat) first moat, at ground level, is filled with toxic waste. (A fly flies into the waste, and comes out at gigantic size) ya might wanna avoid falling in, unless you wanna go to the prom with Ezekiel. (Addresses the orange, boiling moat) moat number two is... boiling hot lava! (The fly flies up to the lava and burns its butt, it flies up to the next moat, which is full of swamp water) the third moat is just plain old swamp water. (The fly lowers its butt into the water, cooling it off; the fly sighs with relief) but what lies beneath (Suddenly, Fang lunges upward, taking a huge bite out of the fly) will literally chew you up! (Fang lowers himself back into the water. Gwen, Zoey, and Courtney gasp)
(Confessional: Gwen)
Gwen: (Smiling nervously) you know, floating away in a balloon, directly into the sun or wherever the wind took the other guys, (Normally) that's looking PRETTY good right now.
(Confessional ends)
Chris: Mal, Zoey, Gwen, if you somehow survive all three moats, you must say goodbye to your helpers, and go it alone as you storm the castle! (Pan up to the very top, which has a castle wall with Chef wearing a crown and cape sitting on top (Holding a coffee cup and thermos) and right in the middle of the castle is a stone block with a sword sticking out of it) take your life in your hands as you fight your way past the mad king!
Chef: (Unenthusiastically) I am the mad king. (Growls pathetically, then pours coffee in his cup)
Chris: if you get past the mad king, and find the strength to pull the sword of victory from the stone, you are the true Total Drama All-Star! And the winner of (Cut to the million dollar suitcase in front of a yellow and orange background) $1,000,000!! (Speaks quickly) subject to all applicable taxes and other offsets required by law. (Normally; all the contestants, helpers, and personal assistants look shocked) sooo.... Excited?
Gwen: this challenge is crazy... er!
Duncan: this challenge looks AWESOME!!!
Courtney: (Scoffs) of course YOU'D say that! You're just like every OTHER caveman on this show!
Duncan: yeah, well get used to it, sister. Cus I'm making sure Gwen makes it all the way up those moats!
Courtney: yeah right! You'll only slow us down!
Duncan: (Bitterly) oh what? Just because one of us twists an ankle, you're gonna shove them at Fang?
Courtney: I wasn't gonna shove... Gwen at Fang!
Duncan: whatever! All I know is, I got my eye on you if you try to mess us up, Princess!
Courtney: You don't GET to call me princess anymore!
Duncan: right, I forgot you're just a royal pain!
Gwen: both of you CRAM IT!!! (Duncan and Courtney stop fighting; everyone looks to Gwen) look, I know you both want to tear each other's throats out, and I understand why, but I'm DONE being stuck in the middle with you two! (To Duncan) look, you're my boyfriend, (To Courtney) and you're my friend-ish; so can we just ONCE work like a team!?
(Duncan and Courtney glare away from each other for a few seconds, and finally both sigh and face each other)
Courtney: I'm doing this for Gwen, no one else.
Duncan: ditto, sister. (They hold out their hands like they're about to shake them, but Duncan quickly psyches Courtney out by pulling his hand back)
Gwen: (Sighs) THIS is gonna be a long finale.
Zoey: (Nervously to Dawn and Cameron) let's try not to hurt Mal; Mike's still in there; (Turns to Cameron) right, Cameron?
Cameron: (Sighs sadly) I don't think so, Zoey; and it's possible that Mal was always Mal, and Mike was just one personality. Either way, Mike's gone.
(Zoey's eyes tear up, and she looks as though she's ready to burst into tears)
Zoey: (Wipes her eyes on her arm, and takes the necklace from under her choker) then... goodbye, Mike. Wherever you are. (Drops the necklace in a hole and then covers it up)
Dawn: (Puts a hand on Zoey's shoulder) no, Zoey, Mike IS still in there! (Whispers so only Zoey and Cameron can hear) but right now he is journeying to get Mal back inside his head.
Zoey: (Hopefully) r-really? He's alive?
Dawn: yes. I have been reading his aura... the Mike part anyway. We have to keep Mal busy so that Mike can regain control again.
Zoey: (Looks determined at Mal) well, if Mike is really still in there, let's get out, crush Mal, and win this thing!! (High-fives Dawn, and then Cameron's bubble, causing Cameron to roll backwards) oops.
Mal: (Cameron rolls towards him) keep your garbage on YOUR side! (Kicks Cameron's bubble, making Cameron bounce past Chris)
Chris: wow, is Mal really Mal, or is Mal still Mike? Maybe Mike was always Mal. (Pulls out a glass of milk) THIS is milk. (Drinks the milk. Noah just looks at him flatly) what? Puns are hilarious! (Noah just rolls his eyes) Will anyone survive the final challenge? If yes, will our winner be a king, a queen, or a different queen? Find out right after the break, here on Total Drama All-Stars!
(Commercial break)
(Cut back to the moats; all three teams are lined up facing the moat)
Mal: (Mockingly) good luck, girlies; you're gonna need it! (Chuckles)
Owen: good luck, Zoey! ...err, and Gwen! Uh... Gwoey?
Noah: Hey, Mal, hope Fang chews you up like beef jerky! (He and Owen both chuckle)
Mal: (Growls) yeah, keep laughing, you two! Once this challenge is out of the way, I'm coming after you two next! (Owen squeaks in fear while Noah looks unconvinced)
Chris: (Through his megaphone) on your mark, (The contestants get into starting positions) get set, GO!! (Blows his air horn, and the three teams race towards the moat. Gwen's team stops beside two poles)
Courtney: (Groans) it's too wide to jump across!
Gwen: (Grabs the poles) maybe we could use these as stilts (Dips them in the toxic waste, but the waste eats right through them), or maybe not.
Courtney: hmm, there may be another way, if we could just line up the poles like a tightrope, I can use my tight roping lessons from CIT training to help us... (Suddenly, a tree is thrown in front of them, creating a bridge across the moat. Duncan blows on his fist proudly) ...ooor that, th-that also works.
Duncan: jailbird, baby. You don't survive on the streets without the smarts.
Gwen: remind me to thank you later, let's go! (The three of them carefully and quickly start trudging over the tree)
Zoey: well, glad THEY made it across, how're WE gonna make it?
Cameron: I have an idea, but I'm not crazy about it. (Zoey and Dawn look at each other in confusion)
(Meanwhile, Heather and Mal overlook the toxic waste)
Mal: (To Heather) how're you at floating?
Heather: what?
(Meanwhile, Alejandro looks over at the poles)
Alejandro: (Picks up a pole) helloooo. (Bends it, but it is very strong) not bad. (Heather's scream is heard; Alejandro looks over to see Mal holding Heather over his head)
Mal: just... stop... fighting it!
Alejandro: stop! (Runs over, holding the pole) I've got a way across! We can pole-vault. (Mal drops Heather on the ground)
(Pan back over to Gwen's team, slowly side-stepping across the tree)
Courtney: easy does it, baby steps.
(Suddenly the middle of the tree glows green and snaps)
Duncan: and THAT'S our cue to pick it up.
(The trio leaps over the crack, landing on the other side; the tree sinks into the toxic waste and dissolves)
Gwen: (Clinging to Duncan) whoa! That could've been us; we came THIS close to becoming a three-headed memorial to McLean's little "nature" project!
Duncan: (Smirks) not the WORST way to go out.
Courtney: and you WOULD'VE been stuck with me on your neck, YELLING AT YOU!!!
Duncan: ok NOW it's the worst. (Gwen leads them as they climb the ladder up)
(Pan over to Zoey and Dawn floating on the toxic waste on top of Cameron's bubble, using the poles as oars. The bottom of Cameron's bubble starts smoking)
Cameron: (Nervously) oooh, I really hope I didn't miscalculate the durability of my bubble vs. toxic exposure!
Zoey: hang on, Cam; we're almost across!
(Finally, Cameron's bubble docks on the other side, Zoey and Dawn leap off of the bubble, while the bubble starts to vibrate)
Cameron: oh no! (The bubble finally pops, sending Cameron soaring sky high. Cameron lands in Zoey's arms)
Zoey: gotcha!
Cameron: (Sighs in relief) thank you.
Chris: (Through his megaphone) Zoey and Gwen have crossed the first moat! Zoey and Gwen are in the lead! (Mal looks annoyed as he holds his pole) Zoey and Gwen... winning!
Mal: not for long! (Dashes straight towards the moat, plants his pole into the ground, and flies right over the moat, landing safely on the other side. For a moment, Mal loses his balance and is about to fall in the toxic waste)
Zoey: (Panics) Mike... (Mal falls forward. Zoey sighs in relief)
Gwen: (Calling out from above) hey! He's not Mike; remember that or he'll introduce you to a pool of lava!
Zoey: ok, right, I know that, I do.
Heather: (Calling out to Mal) how do WE get across?
Mal: (Climbing the ladder) I'm not here to help YOU; YOU'RE here to help ME! Figure it out.
Alejandro: (Shrugs) such big words from such a little man with little noodle arms.
(Cut to the lava moat, Mal has just finished climbing up)
Chris: (Over megaphone) welcome to level 2. All tied, no one's died... YAAAAAAWN!! (Pan over to Gwen, Duncan and Courtney looking across the moat, which Zoey and Dawn climb up next) let's go, people!
(Cameron is having difficulty climbing the ladder with one arm. He loses his grip on the ladder and starts to fall backwards)
Duncan: (Notices Cameron and grabs his hoodie) ooh, heads up! I gotcha!
Cameron: Phew, thanks. You sure I'm not too heavy?
Duncan: nah, it's like lifting a pebble.
Cameron: ...at least he didn't say light as a doll.
(All six of them notice Mal glaring them down. Mal smirks and slowly approaches them)
Cameron: (Hides behind Zoey and screams) Mal!
???: (Echoey) Daaaawn!!!! (Dawn hears this echoey voice, and starts clutching her head in pain)
Zoey: (Notices Dawn) Dawn? Are you ok?
(Confessional: Dawn)
Dawn: (Clutching her head, grunting) something from within that monster is trying to make contact with me. (Gasps) it's Mike! He's trying to send a message from within his subconscious! ...He wants one of us to.... (Gasps)
(Confessional ends)
(Cut back below to Chris, Owen, and Noah. Chris' cell phone is ringing; after a few seconds, Chris finally picks it up, only to be greeted by someone shouting at him from the other end)
Chris: true, I should've known better; we just forgot to tie the balloons down. (The yelling continues as Owen hands Chris a coffee cup, Chris takes a sip) well, my optometrist tested that and it turns out MY hindsight is actually quite bad.
Noah: (To Owen) he doesn't say. (Owen giggles)
Chris: (Accidentally dropping the phone in the toxic waste) oops! (Nervously turns to Noah) PLEASE tell me they found them soon!
Noah: (Taps on the headset he has set up in his ear) ok, they found all seven balloons a few miles off the island... and everyone's alive. (Chris and Owen sigh in relief) the aftermath boats will pick them up any second, buuut, Jo, Lightning, and Anne Maria want to beat you into a sock monkey... can't say I blame them.
Chris: phew! Dodged a MAAAAJOR SUE-MY-PANTS-INTO-THE-NEXT-TWO-YEARS bullet there! I think I may have kinda...
Owen: gone too far?
Noah: bit off more than you can chew with the sadistic torture fest... AGAIN?
Chris: (Pouts) yes. ...but, we can't take anymore chances if we want a 6th season! So WE'RE gonna have to be on guard on the moats so no one ELSE gets possibly killed.
Noah: good.
Owen: cool!
Chris: course when I say "we," I mean YOU TWO! (Chuckles)
Noah: (Flatly) good.
Owen: (Nervously) cool.