Total Drama All-Stars Re-Write
Episode 9: Suckers Punched
Re-written and Edited by Joey Turner and Tanya Furness
Chris: (Voiceover, recounting last episode's clips) Previously on Total Drama All-Stars, the campers were treated to a day in the Fun-zone. Where anything can happen, except fun. Owen and Noah played dress-up for a bear... that beat the fudge out of them. (Chuckles) Comedy gold! Heather found the hidden invincibility statue; too bad someone else found it after her. And Sierra adopted a new uh ...pet. In the end, the heroes got the victory, and Alejandro was headed for the flush of shame; until he pulled off the biggest surprise of the night; way to play possum, Captain Secret-Legs.
(Cut to Chris lying on a lawn chair at what looks like Playa De Losers)
Chris: Can the heroes hold their lead? Will the villains live up to their name? (Calling out angrily) Will my breakfast get here before LUNCH?! Find out right now on Total Drama All-Stars!
(Opening credits)
(Zoom in on the Spa Hotel, classical music playing. Cut inside the girls' room where the music is coming from a boom box. The baby two-headed rat is chewing on two separate ends of the cord until it electrocutes itself and collapses)
Sierra: (Gasps, bends over and picks up the rat) Cody JR's, who let you out of your crib!? (The rat launches itself at her face, clawing her up) Ow, ow, bad Codies!
(Confessional: Sierra)
Sierra: (Holding the rat, oblivious to its snarling) Now that I'm responsible for these little guys, or girls, or one guy one girl, I don't have time to be a relationship. I just hope Camdy doesn't take it too hard. (The top rat head's cheeks bulge up) What's that, Cody JR? (The head barfs on her) Ew.
(Confessional: Dawn)
Dawn: (Angered) I am not one to hold grudges, but I am also not one to indulge in ripping one of nature's tiny infant creatures away from their mothers!
(Confessional ends)
(Zoey and Dawn are still in their beds. Zoey looks freaked out; Dawn is glaring at Sierra)
Zoey: um, Sierra, did you really have to bring the rat into the spa hotel with us?
Sierra: (Giggles and snorts) well DUH, Zoey. I'm a mom now... again, and I have to take care of my little mutant bundle of joy! (The rat tries to claw at her face again)
Dawn: (Muttering under her breath) that would be more endearing if you WERE the dear one's mother.
Sierra: I'm sorry; what was that, Auntie Dawn?
Dawn: (Out loud) I understand your need to fill the void in your heart that you wish Cody would fill, but I cannot authorize kidnapping!!
Sierra: (Confused) Kidnapping?
Dawn: (Grabs the rat; both heads suddenly calm down) somewhere on Boney Island is this poor creature's REAL mother! Lying awake at night, crying to the moon for the return of their precious little baby! (She gently strokes the rat's belly; both heads nuzzle closely into Dawn)
Sierra: (Pulls the rat back, the heads start growling again) but the Codies imprinted on ME! I was there when the egg hatched, so it is my responsibility to nurture them! Right, Auntie Zoey?
Zoey: "Auntie" Zoey?!
(The rat growls and one of the heads bite's Sierra's hand again)
Sierra: OW!!! See that, Dawn? Now you've upset them! You're just jealous because you had to give back the bear baby!
Dawn: (More irritated) the bear was not mine to keep! Just like (Spitefully) Cody Juniors are not yours to keep!
Sierra: hmmph! If I wasn't trying to raise the Codies in a positive environment, OR worried about manipulating what my blog fans think, oooh the things I'd write about you!! (Walks indignantly away)
Zoey: ...well, THAT could've gone better. But, Dawn, I agree with you that she shouldn't keep the rat here, but why are you so upset about this?
(Dawn looks away, awkwardly)
(Confessional: Dawn)
Dawn: when I was a young girl, my parents let me volunteer to help at our town's animal shelter. It was the most fun I've had in my youth! So many animals, so many auras, it was most delightful! But one day, I had to watch as a poor, innocent puppy was separated from its mother. (Tears form in her eyes) Its little aura crying for the comfort of its mother's milk! (Inhaled deeply) since then, I have vowed to play my part in protecting mother earth, and to make sure no poor infant creature is separated from its mother again!
(Confessional ends)
(Cut to the villains (Minus Alejandro) sitting on the porch of the loser cabins eating breakfast; each plate includes bacon, eggs, and a sickly green piece of toast)
Cameron: Is toast supposed to be green?
Scott: (Swipes Cameron's toast) Mama calls this penicillin puree, never had a cold in my life.
(Scott stuffs the bread in his mouth. Gwen gags watching Scott eat the toast. Alejandro walks in (Finally using his legs again))
Scott: Well, well, wakey-wakey, Legs-a-Fakey.
Alejandro: (Faking innocence) It truly is a miracle my legs finally woke up. Now they can be put to good use for our team.
Courtney: After today, there won't BE any teams.
Alejandro: (Raises eyebrow) What are you talking about?
Courtney: There are only 12 players left; we have to merge soon. (Narrows eyes) And after what you did to Heather, good luck finding an ally, Al.
Alejandro: (Slightly on edge) I would prefer it if you would not call me THAT name.
(Confessional: Alejandro)
Alejandro: Last night I dreamt about my older, smarter, better looking brother, Jose. (Shudders) He always calls me Al, and I hate it! More than Owen, mutant fire beetles and conditioners that don't detangle!
(Confessional ends)
Scott: (Stands up, angered) What's wrong with the name Al? My sister's named Al; short for Albertha. She's the county hog caller. (Cups his hands and calls out) Soo-ee, sooo-ee-OW! (A pig comes rushing up and jumps on Scott, pinning him to the ground and panting like a dog)
???: psst, Gwen!
(Gwen looks in the direction of the voice and sees Duncan behind a tree, waving to her. Gwen gets up and walks over to the tree)
Gwen: What's up, Bad Boy? (Snickers)
Duncan: (Smirks) just thought the hottest villain ever could use some breakfast that isn't poison. (Shows a handful of blueberries)
Gwen: (Gasps excitedly) Blueberries?! (Happy grunts, grabs the berries) THANK YOU! I've been craving these for weeks! Plus I think I've had enough of Chef's "penicillin puree." (Eats the berries)
Duncan: (Looks around, whispers) also I gotta warn you, babe. It's about Mike!
Gwen: Mike? As in tall, skinny, multiple personalities, lovesick for Zoey, noodle-arms, Mike?
Duncan: that's the one. Listen, you gotta watch your back around him during the challenges; he's dangerous!
Gwen: (Raises her eyebrow, curious) Dangerous? Why, because of the multiple personalities thing? I know it's weird Chris letting someone with his disorder on this show in the first place, but Zoey and Cam told me that Mike, the REAL Mike, is a great guy.
Duncan: yeah, MIKE'S not the one I'm worried about; MAL is!
Gwen: Mal? You mean that psycho criminal that was in Juvie with you? (Duncan nods) well, what's Mike got to do with him?
Duncan: listen, Mike IS Mal! I recognized Mike from somewhere but it didn't hit me until he started whistling that creepy tune!
Gwen: whoa! Seriously? But Mike seems so harmless! So... is Mal just one of Mike's other personalities?
Duncan: looks that way. But this guy's a SUPER psycho! I don't even know what he did to end up in juvie, but it must've been a million on the bad scale! He broke things, destroyed public property; they even say he tried to bump a guy off!
Gwen: (Gasps, terrified) ok, THAT'S just scary! And not in the cool "slasher-flick with a chainsaw-wielding maniac" scary, but the actual "holy crap we're actually gonna die" kind of scary. So, why're you telling ME all this?
Duncan: (Smirks) 'cus if you get bumped off, I got no one else to talk to on this show.
Gwen: (Snickers) wow, such a gentlemen!
Duncan: (Turns serious) but listen, I'm serious. Watch your back around Mike.
Gwen: (Nods) got it. But you should probably warn Zoey while you're at it. She's gonna want to know what goes on with her boyfriend.
Duncan: I'm on it! ooh, and good luck, babe!
Gwen: (Smiles) thanks, try not to get eliminated! (Giggles)
(Confessional: Gwen)
Gwen: ok, I'll admit, the whole "Mike is evil" thing sounds a little.... weird. But believe me, after dating him for so long, I KNOW when Duncan's lying to me. (Smirks with pride) that's why he can NEVER beat me at poker. But seriously, he actually sounded worried back there so... I think I'll keep an eye on Mike JUST in case.
(Confessional ends)
Chris: (Over the intercom) Good soon to be painful morning, everyone! Head to the Chris-osseum, pronto! Today's challenge isn't gonna hurt itself!
(Cut to everyone walking in the forest, Sierra having built a sling for her rat, which was once again squirming)
Sierra: Ehehe-ow-that's enough you two-ow! (One of the heads bites her finger and the other barfs on her)
Noah: (Notices Dawn glaring daggers) hmm, lady appears to be glaring daggers at one nutjob.
Dawn: (Sighs) I do not mean to be cruel, but I do not approve of separating gentle infants from their mothers. I would normally find Sierra's crave for company to be very endearing, but the way she just keeps the poor soul from its mother, it just makes her look so...
Noah: nutty? As a 10-ton bag of Brazil-sized nuts smothered in peanut butter, encased in a cashew the size of China inside ANOTHER cashew the size of Asia?
Dawn: I would not use the term "nutjob" ...but yes, a bit. (Noah smirks)
(Confessional: Noah)
Noah: congratulations, Izzy. YOU'RE the saner one!!! ...(Shivers) that was NOT easy to admit!
(Confessional ends)
(Duncan suddenly stops and grabs Zoey's shoulder, pulling her aside)
Duncan: Hey, we need to talk. It's about Mike.
Zoey: What about him? (Eyes widen accusingly) Wait; are you trying to form an alliance with me while he's in exile?
Duncan: What-no! Look! I knew I knew the guy from somewhere, but I couldn't place it until I heard him whistle!
Zoey: (Crosses her arms, confused and annoyed) I am SO not following you!
Duncan: When I was in Juvie, so was Mike!
Zoey: (Giggles, looks at Duncan and stops) Oh, you're serious? Mike was in Juvie?
Duncan: Yeah, only back then his name was Mal. And I think he liked being locked up, he'd cause trouble just for the fun of it!
Zoey: So why hasn't Mike recognized you?
Duncan: Probably cause I steered way clear of him; I didn't know him personally, but I heard about him through the walls! But think about it, guy with multiple personality disorder breaks Cam's glasses; he probably broke my knife too, and Brick's night-vision goggles, and Owen's junk food stash, and Sierra's Smartphone!
Zoey: Which is so out of character for Mike...
Duncan: But it's totally IN character for Mal!
Zoey: (Gasps) you don't think MIKE was the one who attacked Owen, do you?
Duncan: I think it was, Owen's been freaking out around Mike since the moon challenge. (They look back at Owen, who's walking slowly and looking miserable) So Mike, no. Mal... most likely!
Zoey: Hmmm... (Looks worried, then smiles) Thanks for telling me; you're so thoughtful and considerate.
Duncan: (Defensively) No I'm not! It's just, there's only room for one bad boy on this island, and that's me!
(Suddenly, an intern runs across camera, the two-headed rat clawing at his face)
Sierra: (Chasing the intern) Codies, leave that intern's face alone!
(Cut to Boney Island, Chef is walking along the trail)
Chef: Mike! Time to head back-AGH! (He screams in terror when a whole slew of the forest animals come barreling out, all terrified, trampling him. The final squirrel jumps over his bruised body. Mal walks up and steps on Chef's hand; an audible crack is heard)
Mal: (Chuckles) hey Chef.
(Zoom into his brain into an empty brain-like landscape, Mike fruitlessly tugging on the chains that bind him to the mal-shaped rock)
Mike: (Calls out) Hello!? Somebody answer me!
(An odd mirror pops out of the floor, connected to it by nerves. The mirror shows Mal, engulfed in flames and smirking)
Mike: (Gasps) YOU!
Mal: (Snickers and mock-bows) at your disservice.
Mike: But I got rid of you, after Juvie!
Mal: (Laughs) Silly Mike. I was simply lying low, conserving my energy, waiting for my moment. And it worked; now I'm in charge.
Mike: (Launches himself at the mirror, falls to ground) Those are innocent people you're messing with, you have to stop!
Mal: Stop? Oh nonononono, I'm just. GETTING. STARTED. (Disappears from the mirror)
Mike: Nonono; wait, come back!
(Cut to outside the Chris-osseum from last season's finale. Pan inside to see a boxing ring has been set up)
Chris: (Standing in the ring) Welcome to Camp Wawahnakwa Colosseum.
Scott: A boxing ring?
Cameron: (Nervous) B-boxing?
(Confessional: Cameron)
Cameron: (Scribbling on a long sheet of toilet paper) 'This is the last will of I, Cameron Corduroy Wilkins...'
(Confessional ends)
(Duncan elbows Owen, causing him to perk up)
Duncan: how you holding up, Chief?
Owen: (Chuckles) better actually. Only had ONE blood-curdling nightmare last night. And nothing is gonna scare me any- (Gasps and stops as he sees a bruised and beaten Chef walking up with Mal in tow, pretending to be Mike)
Chris: (Smirking at Chef) Looking rough, Chef. You have a run in with a big bad baby squirrel over on Boney Island, hmmm?
Chef: (Whispering to Chris, pointing at Mal) That kid ain't right!
Mal: (Walks over to Zoey, imitating Mike) Man, are you a sight for sore eyes. (Duncan and Zoey exchange extremely worried glances. Mal notices the boxing ring) a boxing ring? Ha, sweet. (To Owen) hey maybe sometime you and I can go a couple rounds just for the heck of it. (Smirks maliciously) what do you say, buddy? (Owen squeaks in fear)
(Confessional: Owen)
Owen: (Scribbling on a piece of toilet paper like Cameron) 'I, Owen Milson McFarley, being of sound mind and gassy tummy-' (Farts) anxiety toot, 'do hereby bequeath to my brothers Johnny and Gavin my collection of vintage chocolate covered jelly beans!' (Looks to camera) just a warning though, you might not wanna eat those; they're not so sweet on the way out.
(Confessional ends)
Chris: Greetings, playah's! The recipe for today's disaster is a hearty helping of Season 1's no pain, no gain challenge. With a pinch of Phobia Factor for extra zing.
Courtney: Not hungry.
Chris: (Walks over to the Wheel-of-Misfortune from season 1, with different pictures in each segment) Get ready to sink your soon-to-be-missing teeth into the wheel-of-misfortune. The rules are simple; spin the wheel, and go a full two minutes with whatever the wheel lands on. Win your match, and earn your team a point. Fights will be judged impartially by Chef and myself. (Chef walks on the other side, wearing his pink dress) First team to win three battles is the champ.
Sierra: (The rat heads still clawing fruitlessly) But who's gonna watch the Codies while I fight?
Chris: (Glaring at Sierra) No one, if they value their lives. (Returns to normal) anyways, I forgot about the little head-count advantage for the Heroes, so to make it slightly more fair-ish; Noah and Dawn since you two are a thing, you will be tag-team partners, and can tap out the other player anytime... but when you do, your partner will have to face THEIR worst fear instead of yours.
Noah: yeah because that's totally how real wrestling works.
Chris: and Owen... eh, we'll figure it out as the game goes forward. Now let's get ready to pummel!
Mal: Uh, hang on! Where are the rewards you promised Zoey?
Chris: (Sighs) I was hoping you'd forgotten about that. But, for being MVP in the last challenge, you don't have to box. And the heroes get a point. (The giant scoreboard rings one up for the heroes, all of them cheering)
(Confessional: Noah)
Noah: as long as it brings us closer to winning, I'll never make a crack of Zoey getting all the perks again. ...well THIS week anyway.
(Confessional ends)
Chris: Since the villains lost yesterday, they go first. Who's rumble ready?
Scott: (Raises his hand) Me, I'll go!
(Scott spins the wheel. Chris winks at Chef, who stamps on a hidden button, the spinner stopping at a picture of a shark)
Chris: Say hello to your foe, Fang!
(Scott looks stunned for a second; he turns around and screams as Fang pops up from under the ring, outfitted with a rubber mouth guard so he can't chew Scott up. Scott freezes in place, eyes blank and staring off into space, terrified)
Courtney: (waves her hand in front of his eyes, looking worried) Hello, Scott? Scott!?
Chris: C'mon bro, move it or lose it!
Duncan: (Smirking) Oh, I think that's already happened.
(Chef slips boxing gloves on the still frozen Scott's hands for him and simply tosses him into the ring. Surprisingly, Scott lands on his feet, but stays blank and terrified as Fang whales on him, landing three good punches before he winds up his arm and punches him into the sideline rail, which sends him flying into Fang's outstretched glove for one last punch. Scott lands on the side of the ring, half falling out)
Courtney: (Shaking Scott's face) Wake up and smell the gloves hitting you in the face, Scott!
Scott: (Dazed, looks up into Courtney's eyes) I likes you, pretty lady. hehehehe...g'sleep. (Falls unconscious)
Chris: Time's up and Fang wins! No points for the villains, the score remains, 1-0 heroes!
Courtney: (Glares at Fang) You should be ashamed of yourself, you overgrown guppy! (Fang rolls his eyes and ignores her. Courtney groans as she pulls Scott out of the ring)
Gwen: Let me help! (Grabs Scott's feet and lifts him off the ground)
Courtney: Sure... (Smiles) Thanks!
(Confessional: Gwen)
Gwen: (gasps, grinning) Did you see that? Courtney treated me like a HUMAN BEING! WHOOHOO!
(Confessional: Courtney)
Courtney: Maybe Gwen's paid her dues! Besides, I don't think I need to worry about her kissing Scott.
(Confessional: Duncan)
Duncan: finally! Seriously, Gwen's been busting her hump all season to make Courtney nice-ish! Not counting on it lasting long, cause its Courtney, but it's a start.
(Confessional ends)
Gwen: (She and Courtney carry Scott along) Ew! Has this guy EVER washed his feet?
Scott: (Still out of it) You cannin' the toe jam already, Cletus?
Zoey: wow, I've never seen Scott so pale before. I know he's scared of Fang but he's never frozen up before.
Dawn: he suffers from traumatic flashbacks from his time in the trauma chair after Fang mauled him last year. (The Heroes (Except Mal) all glare at Chris)
Chris: what? He healed up, didn't he? Anyways, Hero time! Come on up, Sierra!
Sierra: Why me?
Chris: Why not?
Sierra: Good point. (Giggles and spins the wheel, it lands on a two-headed rat picture. Sierra gasps) No way! I would NEVER fight my sweetie pet!
Chris: Oh, you're not fighting your pet; you're fighting your pet's mother!
(Chris gestures to the stage as the named combatant appears: an extremely large two headed rat with two tails, and a smaller set of arms between its main ones. It roars, and the babies roar back. The heroes all look frightened, except Dawn who just smiles)
Sierra: I'm not afraid of a few heads, and a bunch of teeth, (Looks more nervous) and a bunch of claws...
Duncan: (Suspicious) What are the odds of both Sierra and Scott getting such personal opponents?
Cameron: Astronomical! I think I smell a rat.
Sierra: (Hands the rat and basket to Cameron) Camdy, here, take the boys! And, I'm sorry, it's just not gonna work out! (Runs off crying) I'm breaking up with you!
(Confessional: Cameron)
Cameron: (Nervously holding the rat) I've never been dumped by someone I wasn't going out with before, but YES! (The rat bites his cheek) Ow!
(Confessional ends)
Cameron: (Hands Dawn the basket) Here, you take care of them.
(The rat heads calm down, and nuzzle into Dawn's chest)
Noah: (Smirks) guess beauty, and less crazy, DOES tame the beast. (Dawn giggles and blushes)
(Sierra stands in a battle pose, both giant rat heads letting out a massive roar, blowing back her hair)
Duncan: (Whispering to Noah and Owen) 5 bucks on the rat, anyone on Sierra?
Noah: rat mutant vs. Psycho-fan? (Pulls out a 5 dollar bill) Hard to beat psycho on THIS show.
Owen: (Sheepishly pulls out a 5 dollar bill as well) That rat is scary, but Sierra has a really mean chokehold. (He rubs his neck)
Sierra: Bring it on, garbage breath!
(She screams and launches into a flurry of punches, each of them deflected by the rat's smaller arms. The rat looks down at her as she stops; Sierra laughs nervously. Several fierce punches and painful grunts are heard as the camera cuts to Duncan, Owen, Noah and Zoey's reactions; Zoey looking away and covering her face and Duncan cringing, Owen covering his eyes, and Noah not looking away. Noah and Owen continue to stare while they hand Duncan their bills. The rat stops punching Sierra, who is panting and hunched over in exhaustion. The rat gives the finishing blow, knocking her out of the ring and into the air)
Duncan: That's gonna hurt on landing.
(The mother rat approaches the Heroes, roaring in anger)
Dawn: (Gasps) oh my goodness. (Raises the baby rat to her) is this little one what you want? (The mother rat smiles and takes the baby back, burping it and running off) ooh, that was most beautiful.
(Sierra falls on Cameron)
Sierra: (Delirious) Forget what I said; I could NEVER break up with you, Camody. I can't wait for the teams to merge! Then we can be team Camsierraody!
(Confessional: Cameron)
Cameron: (Hands thrown into the air) NOOOOO!
(Confessional ends)
Chris: Another pathetic loss means it's still 1 to 0 heroes! Villains, you're up!
Alejandro: (Walks up to the wheel) I'll earn us a point. (Spins the wheel)
Courtney: (Smirking with Gwen) I hope he gets Heather. (Gwen giggles. Alejandro looks nervous as the wheel spins)
(Confessional: Alejandro)
Alejandro: There's only one person I'd like to fight less than Heather... and that person is-
(Confessional ends)
(The spinner stops on the picture of an unknown man)
Alejandro: (Gasps in fear) No! It can't be!
(In the ring, a puff of magicians smoke clears to reveal a very handsome young man in his twenties, wearing a blue version of Alejandro's outfit, his hair spiked up. Everyone gasps)
Owen: holy, frijoles!
Alejandro: (Narrows his eyes) Jose.
Chris: Oooh, doggeh'! Does Al have what it takes to stand up to his big bro? Or will baby fall down and go boom? Find out right here, after the break on Total Drama All-Stars!
(Commercial break)
(Cut back to the ring with a wrestling bell sound; Jose and Alejandro stand at opposite ends of the ring)
Jose: (With venom in his voice) Buenos Dias, Al. You look tired, and in need of exfoliation.
Alejandro: I exfoliate once a week, and the only thing I'm tired of is you!
(Confessional: Alejandro)
Alejandro: (Voice becomes high-pitched as he whines) I knew my dream was a sign! My whole life, Jose has been better than me at everything; academics, sports, and yes, even personal grooming! (Looks determined) Well not this time!
(Confessional ends)
Chris: (Annoyed) Enough with the touching family reunion! Start punching each other!
(The match-starting bell rings and the two brothers lunge at each other, punching and ducking. Oddly, however, they only land body hits and don't aim for the face)
Duncan: Why are they just going with body hits? It's weird!
(Confessional: Alejandro)
Alejandro: (Holding a mirror) It is the family code, not the face.
(Confessional: Jose)
Jose: (Sitting in the opposite direction, also with a mirror) Never the face.
(Confessional: Noah)
Noah: aaaaand I thought Ale-Justin was a threat because-?
(Confessional ends)
Chris: Looks like the villains are gonna be shut out AGAIN. Or should I say, punched out!
Noah: (Annoyed) Puns. Are. Terrible.
(Alejandro lunges for a punch, but Jose jumps back)
Jose: Your technique is almost as embarrassing as the way your girlfriend with the unattractive personality burned you on national television... twice! (Alejandro growls as Jose laughs)
Alejandro: (Fiercely lunges at his brother, punching him off-screen) THAT'S for calling me Al! (Leaps over Jose to pummel him from behind) That's for always hogging the bathroom mirror! (Cut to everyone outside the ring's expressions, everyone shocked) And replacing my soap with a urinal cake! (Cut back into the ring, Alejandro rapidly winding his arms for a giant punch) AND THIS... IS FOR CALLING ANY ASPECT OF HEATHER UNNATRACTIVE! (He lunges for the final punch, sending Jose flying onto the ropes, rebounding and face planting to the ground. Alejandro simply smirks and raises one hand in victory)
Chris: Whoa, the villains get a point! And now we all know how Alejandro really feels about Heather.
(Confessional: Alejandro)
Alejandro: (Looking directly into the camera) Heather? I know you're watching. I hope that last display shows you my true feelings so... (Holds his hands out like a phone) Call me.
(Confessional: Owen)
Owen: waitwaitwaitwait! Al doesn't like being called Al? ...how was I supposed to know that!? I'll tell you one thing though, he wasn't kidding; his brother is SMOKIN'- (Realizes what he just said) uh, I mean a REALLY good fighter! Gah, I thought I was over that!!
(Confessional ends)
Chris: And we're tied, 1-all! Hero time! And now for the sarcastic, aura reading dream-team! Noah and Dawn, step up!
Noah: (Rolls eyes) perfect. Well if one of us is gonna be flattened, might as well be the second noodle-est guy on this show. (Dawn giggles)
Dawn: I shall go first, Dear Noah. (Runs to the wheel before Noah can respond, then spins it)
(Confessional: Dawn)
Dawn: I know exactly what Chris has in store for me. But I'm sure he must be catching on to us catching on about him rigging the wheel.
(Confessional ends)
(The wheel lands on a picture of a bear. Dawn gasps in horror)
(Confessional: Dawn)
Dawn: (Angered) and that is the LAST time I rely on Chris for an ounce of integrity!! My tealeaves warned me he would pull a stunt like this... I guess my anger towards Sierra clogged my judgment.
(Confessional ends)
Owen: a bear!? Seriously?!
Noah: ok, Dawn can probably defend herself... and me; but still, you're gonna put her against a giant killer bear?!!?
Dawn: (Horrified) that is not a killer bear!
(From beneath the stage, the baby 3-eyed bear from last episode comes up, gurgling and cooing happily. The others (Except Mal) gasp)
Gwen: are you kidding me?!
Courtney: you're gonna make her fight a BABY bear?!
Dawn: worse still, you STOLE the baby from its mother!? ...AGAIN?!!? I thought you said you were done!
Chris: yeah... I lied! (Chuckles) what can I say, bad habit. (Dawn growls) but, this time for real I will return the bear to its nest. ...but first, YOU gotta make baby fall down and go boom! (Chuckles)
Dawn: (Eyes start watering) you are a sadistic psychopath! I cannot fight a dear infant creature! I refuse!
Chris: oooh, bad call. See you COULD back out, BUT it could cost your team the win... and then they'll hate you.
Zoey: uh, no we wouldn't.
Chris: shhh-shush-sshhhh! (Turning back to Dawn) or, you COULD just tag Noah, but he could get flattened into a pessimistic pancake because his aura-reading girlfriend couldn't take one for the team!
(Dawn looks sadly back and forth between Noah and the baby, eyes still watering. Noah looks in pain, but then sighs)
Noah: (Raises his hand) and if the pessimistic pancake volunteers for tagging? (The other heroes and Dawn gasp)
Chris: (Confused) huh, really? Uh, ok sure. Good news, Dawn, Baby Bear won't be going boom today. (Turns to Chef) make sure one of the interns brings the baby back to its mother... father... thing. (Chef nods. Chris turns back to Noah) that means you're up, Noah!
Dawn: (Hugs Noah tightly) thank you, thank you, thank you!
Noah: (Nonchalantly rubs a tear out of Dawn's eyes) whatevs. Just doing my boyfriendly duty. (Dawn giggles and walks off as Noah approaches the wheel) besides, 2-and-a-half seasons of putting up with this show, there is NOTHING they can do to break me. (Spins the wheel, the spinner lands on a familiar looking face)
Chris: oh, you REEEAAAALLLLY think so? (Chuckles. Suddenly eerily evil music starts playing) BACK, by POPULAR audience demand AGAIN, Eva!!!
(As he says that, Eva rises from under the stage with boxing gloves. Steam comes out of her nose as she snorts in anger. The veteran contestants gasp in horror)
Noah: (Not too afraid) yeah, because THIS is better than fighting a bear.
(Confessional: Eva)
Eva: yeah, yeah, I'm back again. Chris told me if I beat one of the heroes, I could come back on the show as a villain. But know this: I DON'T NEED a million dollars, (Gets really close to the camera) GOT IT?!!?!?
(Confessional ends)
Owen: GREAT JULIUS CEASER SALAD, NOAH'S GONNA DIE!!!!
Scott: (Walking upright, smirking) pfft, she doesn't look so tough.
Chris: oh yeah? REEEAAALLLY? You might wanna tell that to Lightning!
(A monitor rolls out as it replays the ending of the last aftermath when Lightning punched out Eva. Eva chases Lightning off-screen and several punching and screaming sounds are heard. The contestants gasp)
Chris: (Chuckles) oh-ho! That was a beautiful moment! But don't worry, Lightning's gonna be fine. Just a few broken arms... And legs... and the doctor said something about his bones looking like really chunky applesauce. (Chuckles morbidly as the contestants look terrified) but enough with the happy memories; START BRAWLING!!!!
(The bell sounds; Noah pitifully raises his fists, as Eva lunges forward and begins punching them. Noah blocking every punch)
Noah: (Ducks a punch) well, nice to know all that time we spent together goofing on Justin meant SO MUCH to you!
Eva: look, nothing TOO personal! Chris said if I beat you I could come back as a contestant!
Noah: aaand you believed him? You're talking about the snake that's even oilier than his hair products. Besides, what do you need a million bucks for? Aren't you still getting all those Lady Wrestling endorsements your dad hooked you up with?
Eva: (Looks to camera) thanks again, dad. (Gets angrier) and I don't NEED a million dollars! I just wanna show that I can compete circles around you guys, GOT IT?!
(Everyone nervously mutters in agreement)
Noah: (raises an eyebrow) whatever helps you sleep at night, She-Hulk. I'm just saying, don't trust snakes. (Dodges another punch)
Chris: (Chuckles) yeah, you should probably listen to him, Eva. Yeah, I was NEVER gonna bring you back. I just wanted to see you punch a hero out. I'm afraid you and the rest of the season 1 rejects have outlived your usefulness.
Eva: (Angered) "REJECTS!??!" (Eva's neck vein starts to throb as she growls like an angry gorilla)
Noah: (Hastily approaches her) and THAT is why you learn in life not to-
(Before Noah can finish that sentence, Eva punches him out, sending him flying over the other contestants and into the wall)
Dawn/Owen: (Concerned) NOAH!!!
Noah: (His feet sticking out of the wall) aaaaand there goes my spine.
Eva: (Leaps out of the ring in a single bound, glaring at Chris) YOU'RE GROUND BEEF, MCLEAN!!!!
Chris: yyyeeeeaaaahhh, I think I might have gone a little too far. (Screams and runs off as Eva chases him) CHEEEEF!! STOP THIS CRAZY SHE-BEAST!!!!
(Chef pulls out a tube and fires a blow dart at Eva, but it doesn't slow her down. Chef fires multiple more but Eva still chases Chris. Finally Chef blows one more dart, and finally Eva falls into the dirt; her back reveals that she has been fired at by nearly 100 darts. She lies on the ground, looking half conscious, everyone finally releases the breath they've been holding)
Chris: (Grabs a stick and nervously pokes Eva with it from a distance) Eva ...Earth to Eva. (After Eva doesn't respond, Chris chuckles and gets closer to Eva) well, the score once again remains 1-all; since Noah got the sarcasm punched right out of him, (Owen and Dawn gently pull Noah out of the wall) and Eva, who will NOT be returning as a contestant, got blow darted into submission! (Eva's arm launches upward, clocking Chris in the face, everyone cringes (Gwen and Duncan smile). Chris recovers and spits out a tooth) oow! Hey! Do you know how much it cost to bleach these molars?!
Chef: (Hooks a few bungee chords around Eva's arms and legs) PROBABLY gonna cost more to replace, man. (Gives a thumbs up at a helicopter above, which airlifts Eva away)
Owen: (Gently taps Noah on the face) Noah? Speak to me, little buddy!! (Whimpers) maybe he needs mouth to mouth!
Noah: (Covers Owen's mouth) don't even think about it!
Dawn: (Hugs Noah's head) oh, Dear Noah. This was not my intent!
Chris: (Whining) oh sure! Everything's gotta be about Noah! Without my over-bleached teeth I've lost at least 10% handsomeness!!
Noah: (Rolls eyes) oh the tragedy, how will we survive without that 10%? Can we just end this already!?
Chris: (Whining) WHEN! I! FEEL! LIKE IT!!! (Breathes deeply then speaks normally) and now I feel like it. Since the Heroes still have a large head-count, they get another shot.
Mal: (Walks up to wheel) Guess I'll go next.
Cameron: (Annoyed) What's the point in spinning the wheel? The game must be rigged!
Everyone: Huh?
Cameron: Sierra fights Cody JR's mom, Dawn almost fights the bear's baby, Scott fights Fang, Noah fights Eva, Alejandro fights his big brother; the odds are too astronomical to be random!
Noah: thanks for pointing the obvious AGAIN, Harold. (Cameron looks at Noah confused. Noah clears throat awkwardly) Sorry, force of habit.
Gwen: It does seem a little rigged.
Courtney: More like a LOT rigged!
Chris: (Annoyed) How 'bout this; I guarantee, the next spinner will have a non-specific to their personal terror opponent, ok? (He nods to Chef, who sighs)
(Mal happily (or at least faking it) spins the wheel)
Cameron: Just watch, it will be exactly what Mike's afraid of.
(The spinning wheel finally stops on the symbol of a spider)
Chris: Or is it what Cameron's afraid of?
(Cameron screams in horror)
Zoey: I thought you were OVER spiders!
Cameron: That is not a spider!
(The giant purple spider from last season rises from under the stage. The spider pulls off its headpiece to reveal Izzy's head)
Izzy: Greetings, spider food! (Giggles. Cameron shrieks like a girl and runs off)
Chris: It's an eight-legged Izzy!
Owen: (Squeals in delight) IZZY!!!!
Izzy: (Happily waves at Owen) ooh! Owen!! Hey, how's it going, Big Guy? Can't talk now, gotta turn your teammate into spider food. (Cackles maniacly)
Owen: (Chuckles) aww, good old classic Izz- (Suddenly terrified) WHAT?!!?
(Confessional: Owen)
Owen: (Scared) on the one hand, YAY IZZY!!! (Chuckles then turns serious) but on the other hand, she's taking on MAL?!?! She doesn't know what he's capable of! But on the OTHER, other hand Izzy took on guys even tougher than Mal more times than I can count. He's gonna get bitten by the crazy! (Snickers) ....I hope he wasn't listening in.
(Confessional ends)
(The challenge bell rings and the two face off)
Izzy: (Sniffs the air and her eyes widen) Ugh, you smell weird! Like a honey cruller wrapped in rotten ham! Good on the inside; poison on the outside! (Mal blinks blankly)
(Cut to inside Mike's mind, Mike watching through the mirror)
Mike: (Terrified) You're right! Help, Mal is keeping me prisoner in my own subconscious! (The mirror sinks into the brain) Wait!
(Cut back outside)
Izzy: Question. (Narrows her eyes) Who's Mal?
(Duncan, Zoey, Owen, Gwen, and Dawn gasp)
(Confessional: Dawn)
Dawn: Izzy knows of Mal's existence! I fear this knowledge puts her at terrible risk!
(Confessional: Owen)
Owen: oh no! Izzy knows about Mal... he's not gonna like being found out!! NOT IZZY!! TAKE ME INSTEAD, MAL!!!!
(Confessional: Zoey)
Zoey: How does Izzy know about Mal? That's it, I'm gonna have Dawn teach me to make a deck of Tarot cards.
(Confessional: Mal)
Mal: They say the eyes are the windows to the soul... Time to SHUT. THAT. WINDOW.
(Confessional ends)
Owen: (Shouting to Izzy) IZZY!! GET OUT OF THERE!!!!
Noah: (Confused) what are you worried about? Izzy's crazy as a china-sized brazil nut encased inside a cashew.
Dawn: believe me, Dear. You would not enjoy the cause of Owen's worry.
Mal: (Wearing a malicious smile) Enough chitter-chatter.
(Mal launches himself at Izzy and wrapping his arms around her neck in an attempt to snap it. Cut away to Zoey and Duncan's cringing reactions, snaps and punches are heard from the ring. Suddenly, Mal lands a harsh punch on her face, sending her reeling. Mal then uppercuts Izzy, and an audible crack is heard. He punches her into the side of the ring, having torn off one of the fake spider limbs and scratched up Izzy's face. Chef looks worried and Owen has frozen in shock; Noah's jaw drops. Mal laughs as he lifts Izzy's battered body up and over his head, tossing her out of the ring, she screams as she flies right over the arena and outside the wall. Everyone looks completely shocked (Even Noah) and Owen is still frozen)
(Confessional: Noah)
Noah: ...that was... that was.... WHAT THE HECK WAS THAT?!?! I mean it's freaky enough seeing Izzy of all people get punched out, Mike actually looked like he was trying to hurt her! Not in an "I wanna win this challenge" kind of way, but in a "Courtney trying to kick Duncan's kiwis off" kind of way.
(Confessional: Owen)
(Owen stands there motionless, as a tear leaks out of his eye)
(Confessional ends)
Duncan: (To Zoey) See, that's what I'm talking about!
Chris: Mike got right villainous on that one! But, a point's a point. It's 2 to 1 heroes, one more point and they win the whole thing!
(Mal walks up to Zoey)
Zoey: Wow... um... where'd you learn to do that?
Mal: (Imitating Mike, looking freaked out) I don't know! It's like I wasn't even in control! (Grabs Zoey's hand with his) But I feel WAY better now that I'm with you.
(Dawn and Duncan glare at Mal, Noah looks confused, and a low growl is heard from Owen. At last Owen unleashes a loud roar that shakes the island)
Owen: (Angered) GREAT BALLS OF FIRE THAT IS IT!!!!! (Starts to charge at Mal, but Duncan and Noah hold him back)
Noah: Owen, take it easy! He was just playing the game!
Owen: that was NO playing the game!! I stand all I stand, and I can't stands no more!!! (Shouting at Mal) I can take a pink belly, but NOBODY KNOCKS OUT MY LITTLE IZZY!!!! NOBODY!!!!!!!!
Mal: (Actually looks intimidated) I uh... I don't know what he's talking about. It was an accident, really!
Owen: (Growls and calls over to Chris) Chris! You said you didn't know what to do with me; I wanna take on (Points to Mal) HIM!!!
(Everyone gasps in shock)
Chris: ...you know, sometimes this show just writes itself. (Chuckles) Mr. Nice-Guy, Owen taking on his own teammate. This ought to be good!
(Owen slips on a pair of boxing gloves, staring intensely at Mal)
Cameron: whoa! I know you're upset, Owen, but Mike's your friend.
Owen: yeah, MIKE'S my friend. THIS imposter meanie-pants is NO MIKE!!!
(Confessional: Zoey)
Zoey: Owen DOES know about Mal! So that means Mal was the one who attacked Owen? (Gasps) wow, poor Owen! ...is it wrong that I'm rooting for him instead of Mike this time.... Only until I know what's really going on.
(Confessional: Owen)
Owen: (Growls) I haven't been this worked up since Heather called Izzy a threat to sane people! ....I mean ok so what if she is?! She's fun and cuddly and has the most ADORABLE cackle!! So anyone messes with her they're messing with me!
(Confessional: Mal)
Mal: (Chuckles) so, that useless pile of fudge thinks he can beat me? (Snickers) this promises to be fun, just too bad I can't really let him have it; it'd look too suspicious. But I can at least get my point across... don't try and go against me. (Snickers)
(Confessional ends)
(The bell rings as Owen and Mal stand on opposite sides of the ring. Mal smiles maliciously while Owen just stares intensely. Finally Owen charges at Mal and throws two punches towards Mal's face, which are blocked. The others are shocked at Owen's sudden anger. Duncan and Noah cheer Owen on)
Duncan: aw, yeah! You got this, Big Guy!
Noah: show him who's boss, you glorious sack of ham!!!
Zoey: (Nervously) don't hurt him too bad! ...and that goes for both of you!
Mal: (Calling out, imitating Mike) I'll try, I don't wanna hurt my buddy! (Blocks the next punch and gets close to Owen, talking like himself) you REALLY think you can take me?
Owen: I can try my best!
Mal: oh really? Like the way your little girlfriend tried her best?
Courtney: (To Gwen) hey, can you hear what they're saying? (Gwen shrugs)
Owen: (Shoves Mal back) Izzy didn't do anything to you! And neither did I! So why don't you leave us alone!?
Mal: (Chuckles) what? Can I help it if you're funny? Especially when you suffer? That's all your good for because of how USELESS you are!!!
(Owen growls and delivers a fierce uppercut, which sends Mal flying into one of the ring posts. Everyone, including Owen and Mal, gasps in shock. Mal feels his lip and growls again)
(Confessional: Alejandro)
Alejandro: (Amazed) Santa ira inexplicable! And here I thought that Butter-donkey was nothing more than a flatulent bag of annoying joy! (Looks suspicious) Hmmm, what is his connection with Mike? Once these challenges are out of the way, I'll have to do a little investigation.... Alejandro style. (Smiles maliciously)
(Confessional: Owen)
Owen: (Shocked) I... I did it. ...I PUNCHED OUT MAL!!!! (Laughs then gasps) I punched out Mal. (Gives a tiny squeaky fart)
(Confessional: Mal)
Mal: ...he actually punched me out? (Growls and then snickers) so, the big dope is finally standing his ground. Now this means I'll have to give him a little special attention.
(Confessional ends)
(Mal stumbles to his feet and smirks maliciously. Owen gulps in fear as Mal dashes straight towards Owen)
Mal: (Imitating Mike, pretending to slip) uh, uh-oh! I think I'm slipping! Head's up, buddy! (Mal "slips" and drives his foot straight into Owen's kiwis. Everyone cringes)
Owen: (Squeaky voice) why is it always the KIWIS?!?!
Duncan: (Angered) whoa, whoa! What the heck was that?! Ref, take a point away for that; that was a low blow!!!
Noah: does it really make sense to take away a point from our own teammate? (Duncan's eyes widen, he pouts) still, that wasn't exactly very "friendly spar-ish."
Mal: oh, I'm sorry, pal. Here, let me HELP you! (Mal deals several blows to Owen's stomach, and even some to his face. Everyone cringes in pain as Owen screams in agony)
Gwen: (Cringing) hey, cut it out!!! He's had enough!
(Finally Mal delivers one last uppercut which sends Owen flying out of the ring. He lands 4 feet from the ring with a large thud. All the Heroes rush over to Owen)
Sierra: O! M! G! Owen, speak to me!
Zoey: (Scolding Mal) Mike, what'd you do that for?
Mal: (Faking guilt) I'm so sorry, I don't know what came over me! But I'm better now, I swear!
(Noah waves a block of cheese in front of Owen's nose; Owen gains a bit of consciousness)
Owen: (Dazed) Diiidsh we won? (The Heroes all sigh in relief)
(Confessional: Duncan)
Duncan: whoa! I knew Mal was vicious but I didn't think he'd go all skinny ninja of death on Owen.
(Confessional: Noah)
Noah: If THAT was a "friendly spar," then I'm running for Miss Canada. What is Mike's deal? I mean before he was just boring, now he's boring and knows kickboxing? Maybe it's 'cus he hurt the closest thing I have to a friend, but I got my eye on The Man with Five Brains.
(Confessional ends)
Chris: (Cameron stands right in front of him) Well that was tense. But still the score remains 2-1 heroes! Next up, the great doubter! (Shoves Cameron up to the wheel)
Cameron: (Nervously spins the wheel) Now that Spider-Izzy's gone, anything else should be a walk in the park...
(The wheel lands on the symbol for the mutant gophers)
Chris: Or a walk in an underground radioactive mine.
Cameron: (Nervous) One blind gopher won't be so hard...
(Four mutant gophers rise onto the stage)
(Confessional: Cameron)
Cameron: Me and my big mouth!
(All four of the mutant gophers roar)
Cameron: (Between both pairs of gophers) Good mutant gophers... nice mutant gophers...
(The challenge bell rings. Cameron screams as the gophers dog-pile on him.)
Chris: Well that was fast. It's still 2 to 1 heroes. (Duncan walks up to the wheel) Up next, big bad thug, turned lovable lug, (Duncan glares at him) Duncan.
Duncan: (Growls) Would you QUIT that?
(Confessional: Duncan)
Duncan: Finally I can prove my bad boy status by kicking butt in the ring! They're all gonna be sorry the ever called me "Captain Sweetheart, or "Mr. Nicepants," or worst of all-
(Confessional ends)
Chris: Duncan Do-Right, you ready for this?
Duncan: Man, I've been itching for a fight all season long!
Chris: (Patronizingly) Are you sure you don't just wanna give up the point and call it off?
Duncan: (Clenches his fists) There's no calling off the fists of five!
Chris: (Still patronizing) But you might really HURT someone!
Duncan: Well then, it sucks to be someone! Back home they call me snake hands! (He snaps his hands, imitating a snake with them)
Chris: Ok then; spin away.
(Duncan spins the wheel and Chris winks at Chef, who winks right back, pressing the button under his foot. The spinner stops on the picture of the mutant budgie)
Duncan: huh? (Suddenly, a cardboard cutout of Harold as a boxer pops out of the arena) what the-? Harold? (Courtney and Gwen start cracking up. Duncan just smirks) oh-ho, just the stress release I need! (He jumps into the ring wearing the boxing gloves) Just you and me, Guppy!
(Duncan uppercuts the cutout, causing it to fall over. Just then, three more cutouts pop up right behind him, each of Harold in an embarrassing pose. Duncan just smirks and starts punching them out)
Gwen: (Cheers) yeah! Knock him out, Duncan!! (Courtney looks confused at Gwen) ...what?
(Duncan punches out yet another cutout, and turns around to get ready to punch out another... when a pillow rises out from below the ring, the little budgie resting on it, chirping)
Chris: I believe you two have met!
Dawn: (Twitched) ...seriously!? Does your cruelty to animals know no limits?!
Chris: (Smirks) not really.
Duncan: w-wait? Why did you have me fight Harold cutouts if you were gonna just bring this bird out?
Chris: um, to mess with you? (Chuckles)
Duncan: (Genuinely concerned) Wh-where are the rest of them?
Chris: (Confused) Rest of them?
Duncan: Yeah, uh, cause it'll take a thousand puny birds to make this a fair fight!
(The challenge bell rings and the 'fight' begins, Duncan prancing around the bird and jabbing at the air)
Duncan: (Falsely confident) Oh yeah, you're going down! Get ready, any second now bro! (Pauses) Oh come on, seriously, how am I supposed to fight something so helpless and weak!
(Duncan prepares to launch a punch, staring into the budgie's three eyes, which glistened with innocence. He holds his punching pose for a couple seconds, but eventually drops it)
Duncan: (Sighs) Aww, man...
(Confessional: Duncan)
Duncan: (Hunched over, sighs) I give up...
(Confessional ends)
(Duncan sulks out of the arena. Courtney smirks at him while Gwen looks worried)
Courtney: Tough break, Snake-Hands!
Gwen: well, it WAS kind of a cheap shot. Does Chris REALLY expect Duncan to fight a bird like that?
Duncan: (Sulks) I don't wanna talk about it, babe.
Gwen: (Concerned) Duncan? Babe?
Chris: Zero points for Duncan! That'll get some hits on the web! Villains, who's next?
Gwen/Courtney: I'll go. No seriously, I'll go!
Chris: (Annoyed) Gwen, spin.
(Gwen steps up and spins the wheel; the wheel finally lands on Courtney's silhouette)
Gwen: (Pained) Courtney?
Courtney: There must be some mistake!
Chris: (Chuckles) Hoh-oh man, I have been looking forward to this match ALL day. Uh, I mean, how random!
(Confessional: Courtney)
Courtney: Fight Gwen? After all she's done the last few challenges? I can't!
(Confessional: Gwen)
Gwen: I won't! I've come too far to mess this up now!
(Confessional ends)
(Courtney and Gwen are now in the ring)
Gwen: No way! (She and Courtney giggle)
Courtney: Sorry, Chris.
Chris: Yeah, I kind of figured this would happen... So, as a bit of extra incentive...
(Chef wheels in a television monitor)
Courtney: What's that for?
(Chris simply turns on the TV, which turns out to be a clip of Duncan and Gwen making out. The camera alternates between Courtney and the clips of Duncan and Gwen making out, Courtney gets angrier after every clip. The monitor shows what looks like one of Sierra's blogs, with a picture of Sierra hugging Cody included. Another Gwen and Duncan make-out clip is shown)
Chris: Isn't it awesome! The producers found it on Sierra's Gwuncan blog.
Gwen: (Notices Courtney still growling) Uh, Courtney, remember, we're past this! We're friends again!
Courtney: I guess I'm not as over it as I thought! (Raises her fist) Sorry Gwen, this is going to hurt you more than it hurts me!
(She growls and throws a punch at Gwen, who protects her face)
Courtney: That's for kissing my boyfriend! (Protects her face as Gwen punches back)
Gwen: That's for him not being your boyfriend when we kissed! (Throws another punch) and THAT'S for always kicking him in the kiwis!
Duncan: (Growls) both of you, quit it!
Alejandro: (Smirks) weird, I would've thought you would enjoy them fighting over you.
(Confessional: Duncan)
Duncan: I SHOULD enjoy it because it adds to my bad boy cred, but I dunno I'm just sick of watching them go at it all the time! (The mutant budgie from the ring flutters over to him and sits on his lap) Awwww... (Realizes what he just did and groans)
(Confessional ends)
(By now, Courtney and Gwen are bruised and beaten, weakly punching at each other, taking turns and clearly exhausted)
Chris: (Bored) Ok, times up. (The bell rings again)
Gwen/Courtney: (Weakly preparing to go at it again) Ugh, we're not...done!
Duncan: (Growls again) you're BOTH done!! (Approaches the ring)
Zoey: Duncan? What are you doing?
Courtney: YOU stay out of this, Duncan Do-Right!
Duncan: call me that again and I'm coming in there!!! (Breathes deeply) now listen, Courtney, what you and I had was great!
Gwen: (Slightly offended) hey!
Duncan: Relax, babe. I'm going somewhere with this. (Turns back to Courtney) But, call me crazy, but there's only so much of the kicking and control issues a dude can take before he just says, "Later psycho!" I'm with Gwen now, end of story, GET OVER IT! (Courtney's mouth falls open) and while we're on the subject of Gwen, LAY OFF!! If Gwen really were a "cold-blooded boyfriend stealer," would she be busting her hump all season trying to be friends with YOU again? (Courtney gasps, Gwen smiles at Duncan)
Courtney: you... you really were trying for me?
Gwen: (Delivers a weak punch) yes! Being with Duncan was a huge bonus, but I mostly came back on the show to make things right with you! (Courtney delivers a weak punch) ouch.
Courtney: I never really missed Duncan. But I really missed you.
Duncan: (Indignant) Hey!
(Both girls collapse onto their knees, gasping)
Gwen: So, friends?
Courtney: Totes... (Hugs Gwen) Friends forever.
Zoey/Sierra/Owen: Awwwww!
Chris: (Fake sniffles, wipes a fake tear from his eye) For putting a little warmth in my otherwise frozen heart, I'm giving you both 1 point! That makes it 3-2, which means the villains win! (The villains cheer and the heroes groan)
(Two interns walk in carrying an unconscious Izzy (Out of the spider costume))
Intern: uh, Chris? We found Izzy.
Owen: (Gasps) Izzy!!!! (Runs over to Izzy, followed by the others who all gasp)
Mal: (To himself) uh oh, not again.
(Izzy is unconscious for a few seconds, but then opens one eye and grins wickedly)
Mal: huh?
Izzy: (Flips upward) WOO-HOO! Olé!! (Drives both her feet into Mal's chest, sending him flying into the ring again. Izzy cackles) no one knocks out Izzy! (She beats her chest and yells like Tarzan, she back-flips a few times and lands in Owen's arms, hugging his face. She then back flips over the wall and into the woods. Mal regains consciousness and growls)
(Confessional: Owen)
Owen: (Lovestruck) good old Izzy. I swear I could hear my heart beat when she stuck it to Mal! WHOO-HOOO!!! (Looks around) Mal isn't going to see this, is he?
(Confessional: Mal)
Mal: (Growls) you better hope I don't run into you again, Izzy. Because after I'm through with your chubby-hubby.... And Zoey... and well the rest of these peons, I'm coming for you!
(Confessional ends)
(Cut to the campfire ceremony, the seven heroes seated at the campfire, with Chef and Chris standing by)
Duncan: (Whispering to Zoey) Mike was pretty vicious with Izzy and Owen.
Zoey: Yeah, but it was a fight challenge.
Duncan: so? If you had to fight against Owen would you have gone medieval on him like that?
Zoey: (Looks over to Owen, who waves at her) no, of course not. Though if what you said about Mal is true, Mike wouldn't do that either.
Duncan: Makes you wonder though. What if Mike's the alternate personality, and Mal is the real deal? (Zoey gasps)
(Confessional: Zoey)
Zoey: (Nervous) After all this time? No! It can't be... although, when you really think about it... (Gasps in fear) NO!
(Confessional ends)
Mal: (Feigning innocence at Zoey and Duncan) Hey guys, what are you talking about?
Zoey: (Nervously) Nothing!
Duncan: Uh, cars!
Dawn: (Sitting right beside Owen, whispering) I know what you've endured, Owen.
Owen: (Squeaks in surprise, gets nervous but speaks low enough so no one else can hear) Dawn? Uh... what are you talking about?
Dawn: I know all about you and Mal.
Owen: (Gasps, looks around) how'd you know?
Dawn: I read auras; remember? And do not fear; in respect of your wishes, I will not tell anyone. (Owen sighs in relief) but you must.
Owen: (Tenses up) I can't! If he finds out I told anyone, he'd skewer me like a big chubby kabob! I'm not even sure if (Addresses the two of them talking to each other) THIS is legal!
Dawn: I will make sure he does not find out. But if you really wish to relieve your ailing soul, telling someone will lift the weight from your weakened aura.
Owen: (Hesitant) well... maybe... b-but-
Dawn: (Puts a hand on Owen's shoulder) trust me, you will not be alone in this endeavor. (She and Owen both look over at Noah who is reading a book; they both smile)
Chris: Ok, before we send another player to the sewers, I have two wee announcements to make.
Courtney: (Whispering to Gwen) Here comes the merge!
(Confessional: Alejandro)
Alejandro: After today's show of excellence, I don't need an ally when we merge. I'm a one-man winning machine!
Noah: (From outside) oh yeah, you're an unstoppable force of exfoliation, Ale-Justin!
Alejandro: (Scowls) I never thought I'd miss him calling me an eel.
(Confessional ends)
Chris: first off, I got all my missing teeth replaced, so now my handsomosity is back at 150%!!! (Smiles, none of the campers look impressed) Tonight, the winners get to choose which player is eliminated from the losers' team. (The heroes start to gasp) Hold that gasp. And the losers are the choosers of which winner goes to Boney Island. And the teams are NOT merging! ...Now you may gasp. (Everyone gasps) And there it is. Now, villains, who's going home tonight?
(The villains whisper to each other for a couple of seconds)
Gwen: (Speaks up) We've decided-
Cameron: Reluctantly, very reluctantly!
Gwen: To eliminate... (The heroes all look tense for a few seconds) ...Sierra.
Sierra: Meee, but why?
Cameron: You have a real Cody back home who needs you! For some reason...
Owen: I think it's the other way around.
Cameron: Now run, Sierra; run to him!
Chris: You mean swim, but, before Sierra takes the Flush of Shame, which villain is going to exile on Boney Island? Heroes?
Heroes: (All in unison pointing at Alejandro) Alejandro!
(Confessional: Duncan)
Duncan: Guy's a threat. Mal's just lucky we couldn't vote for our own tonight.
(Confessional ends)
(Cut to the Flush of Shame, Sierra crying in the bowl)
Gwen: Sorry again! Say hi to Cody for me!
Duncan: And make more of those Gwuncan videos!
Gwen: (Gently elbows Duncan) Duncan!
Duncan: (Defensively) What?
Chris: (Holding his umbrella) Hold your breath! (Pushes the button)
Sierra: (Screams as she goes down the drain) I'm coming, Cody!
(The water splashes the contestants; Chris tosses his umbrella away)
Chris: Big brothers, former competitors, surprising twists, can we top it? You better believe we can! Next time, on Total Drama All-Stars!
(End Credits)