Song Credit- 'Dream' by Imagine Dragon. Just seemed right for the mood...
Chapter 44
I force myself to focus on what Doctor Peurdo is saying. My one hand holds the phone to my ear, while the other grips the table I'm seated at. Damn, my fingers hurt.
Whatever the doctor has to say cannot be good. That much I'm sure of.
"You're a hard lady to track down, Miss Layla. I've been calling your phone for a week now, with no reply. I didn't want to leave a message. I wanted to talk to you in person."
Oh dear. I'm right. If it wasn't bad news then he could have just left a voice message or texted.
Dr Peurdo's thick Greek accent is making my understanding fuzzy. Yes, he's speaking English but with him not in front of me I'm having a hard time keeping track of this conversation. The fear that's building up inside of me isn't helping either.
I wish he would just come out and say what he needs to say. He's such a polite man, so patient. A good quality to have, but it's driving me insane now!
"Is it a convenient time to talk now, Layla?"
"Y...yes, Doctor. I can talk."
"...Because if you can't, I can always call tomorrow."
Why does he sound like he's talking in slow motion? Why is he dragging out this thing? Why doesn't he just say what needs saying!
I'm dying here...Wait. Am I dying? I mean, like literally dying? Is that why he called?
"No, Doctor I'm free right now. Please... if it's important I'd like to know now. Is it...Does it have to do with the tests you did? I thought all was fine...Did you find something...wrong with me?"
"Well, Layla. Nothing is exactly wrong. You see both your urine and blood sample show that you're pregnant..."
Oh God, from tact to total bluntness! Did he really just use the 'P' word?
Pregnant.
It's the word I hear before the walls start closing in on me.
No, no, no, no.
I heard wrong.
There's a mistake.
He did say pregnant, right?
The silly man! Pregnant. He called the wrong person or mixed up the test or, or...something. Please let it be something, anything, except pregnant. I'll even settle for a mild case of crabs, but really pregnant?
Pregnant. He says it like I have a common cold.
"Well, Layla, you have influenza A. Take these pills and you'll be as right as rain in a day...."
My body freezes up. My bottom lip begins to tremble.
I'm pregnant.
I'm pregnant?
Im pregnant! As in there's a baby inside-me-pregnant?
Doctor Peurdo is wrong. I'd know if I'm pregnant, right? I've heard of women who knew they were pregnant from the moment they had conceived. The moment sperm collided with egg...boom! They knew. Isn't that how it works?
You're so stupid, Layla. All of those things you've been called. Silly. Naive. Innocent...You're definitely all of those things. How can you not know you're pregnant?
"Doctor Peurdo, you're mistaken. I...I'm not pregnant. I mean...it's not possible..."
"I've run the test twice, Layla. On both urine and blood samples...Are you saying you haven't engaged in any..."
My face flames red. I'm still uncomfortable discussing such things with the elderly doctor. He's old enough to be my father and here he is discussing my sex life.
I quickly cut him off. I can't bare for him to say the word 'sex' or 'sexual intercourse' to me.
"No doctor, that...that's not what I'm saying. I...uhh...I'm only saying that it's not possible."
"Tests don't lie, Layla. I suggest you get yourself to a doctor as soon as possible. You are already well into your third month and..."
Again, his words blank out. Third month! What the fuck....
And yet that sounds about right. It would be that first time I spent with Riaan. The weekend we spent together at his house in Camps Bay and then in Mossel Bay. The first night we didn't use any protection...
That's my luck in life. To fall pregnant the very first time I decide to have sex...The universe hates me. I always thought it, but this confirms it. I must have really done something terrible in a previous life to be punished like this in this one. Karma's a bitch.
Okay, calm down. Breathe, Layla. In- and out. Think, god dammit!
The doctor's words come back into clarity.
"I thought I'd call and tell you since you didn't mention anything when I examined you. It's not unusual for women to not know in the first trimester. It doesn't happen often, but it's not unusual. I've seen a few cases in my time. Have you not had any symptoms? Nausea? Fatigue? Absence of a period? Light spotting, maybe?"
Oh my God. Kill me now.
Not unusual? Nice way of saying you don't think me stupid, Doctor Peurdo...He really is too kind.
Realization smacks me in the face, like a wet cloth slapped hard across bare skin.
I've been nauseous ever since stepping on the cruise ship. And I've been tired more than usual. I wrote it off as sea sickness. The pukey feeling has continued. Even now that I'm back home, and in my normal routine, I've been feeling ill.
What is wrong with me?
I thought it's because I'm upset over Riaan. Not pregnant! And yes, I've been tired, but that's because I've been working my ass off in the last three months. I've been so busy there's been little time to think of anything.
When last did I have a period? I can't even remember. It's not something I dwell on usually. My schedule's been so messed up and out of the ordinary I haven't really had time to consider that something might be amiss.
My hand reaches for my belly. I place my palm flat against my stomach. My stomach is firm and flat. Not even a tiny bump that could be a give away of my condition. How could anything exist in there?
In fact with all the throwing up I've been doing, I've lost weight, not gained anything at all.
I feel queasy. Surreal. This isn't happening. This is some sort of nightmare I need to wake up from. The universe cannot possibly be this cruel to me. I know she keeps screwing me over but this time it's no joke. I can't even find one little smudge of humor in this situation.
The last three months flash before my eyes. Sort of in the way people describe the moments just before dying. Like a movie clip, in fast forward.
My whole life I've done the right thing. I've lived within societies norms. I've been a good daughter, a good sister, a good friend. I waited for love. I waited to feel something before giving up my virginity. I've been a passionate campaigner for women's rights, bringing to light the struggles of women through my art.
And then Riaan came back and messed everything up. I've worked so hard to get to this point in my life. And yet, in an instant I screwed everything up. I allowed him to use me and helped him screw me over.
And now, here I am, all alone and knocked up. What kind of daughter, sister or friend am I? How can I sit here and profess to be a feminist when I let myself be used and bent to the will of Riaan.
Yes, I loved him. But he made me weak. He turned me into a pathetic, groveling mess.
And the last three months. Oh, God. I've been drinking, partying almost every night, eating badly. And then popping pills like candy. First it was the morning-after pill which obviously didn't work! And then the pills given to me by the ship's doctor for sea sickness, which I probably never had, and was just a symptom of pregnancy.
And then, there was the Roofie Jack slipped me. My blood boils at that memory. What a cruel, sadistic act to want to harm a child that hasn't even had the chance to breathe. Given, Jack didn't know. God, even I didn't know, but just the thought....
Bile rises up and fills my mouth with bitterness. Oh dear God, I could have hurt the...the...Even my mind can't form the word 'baby' in this moment.
What have I done? Why does the universe hate me? This was never in my plans. Twenty-three, jobless, unmarried- and pregnant.
Pregnant. It sits on my lips like a dirty word. Can things in my life get any worse? I've reached rock bottom.
Shame fills me. I've let everyone down. I've let myself down.
Just then, I see Rahul enter Don Jose's and walk towards me.
I swallow hard. I need to breathe. And yet I cannot stop the tears that fill up my eyes.
"Doctor Peurdo, I ...Can I call you tomorrow?"
I need to try and recover from this quickly. I need to keep this to myself for just a while longer so that I can process it and make sense of it.
I feel like I'm in a stranger's body. That a stranger is inside my body. Wringing the life out of me. A foreign object lodged inside my womb.
I say my goodbyes to the good doctor, who's really God's angel of doom. Never have I been stunned this much in my life. Even my father's death, I was expecting to some extent. He was ill. And when Rahul delivered that news I somehow knew it was coming.
But Doctor Peurdo's news...
I put my phone back into my back and plaster the biggest fake smile on my face.
I need to get out of here fast. I can't bare to be here pretending to be okay while everything inside me is falling to pieces. Rahul will know. He's a guy, just like Barry, mostly clueless, but he's not that stupid. And he knows me too well by now.
Breathe, Layla. Breathe.
Too late.
A tear slips down my face. And I see Rahul frown.