Maddie's shorts was just about up her arse and she looked uneasy the entire time.
Jo and Jade, my goth mates, looked utterly disgusted by her slutty choice in garms, but in Maddie's mind, wearing basically a bra in public, wearing extensions so long you could trip on them, and wearing half the makeup section in Sephora and shorts that just about show the edge of your panties is fine because "everyone does it" when it's only the tramps she hangs out with.
Asher was already there and looked really excited to see us. I was really... awkward, y'know, since I fancied him and stuff. When everyone went to go order, Asher asked me to meet him outside.
"What?" I asked, slightly nervous.
"I like you... a lot. Like, more than friends."
My stomach dropped. I mean, yeah, I liked him too, but like, I wanted to wait. But I figured I might as well say yes, because.. I don't know.
"I like you too, thank God." I blushed.
"So, will you be my girlfriend?" He asked.
Smiling, I replied, "I think I could give you a chance." We made our way back inside.
I hadn't even been inside for a full minute before chef Manson called me to the counter.
"Yeah?" I asked, standing up straight.
"I've been listening to some of your music. You have a gifted voice, an amazing talent. You could really do something with it. How would you like to start doing gigs here at the pizzeria every Friday night?" He smiled. I appreciated the offer, but I would probably be owned on the staged.
"I don't have any money. I wouldn't have a way to get here, I paid me mate's mum tonight."
"You don't have to pay, I have a tire pump so you can ride your bicycle here."
"What about my guitar?" The truth was, I was trying to find any excuse I could to not do these gigs. I mean, I don't think i'm ready to even play in front of my friends, let alone an entire audience. Yeah, I upload music to iTunes, but it somehow brings me comfort not knowing who's listening to my music, so that I won't have to try impress anyone in particular.
In a rage, Maddie stormed up to me out of nowhere.
"Okay, so Asheden is a thing now?" she was fuming.
I just cackled. "What?! Oh, yeah. We're dating."
"Oh, great, so, you're making decisions on your own now!" She shook her head.
Making decisions on my own? Like I just must ask her to do something?
"And what the hell is that supposed to mean, that I can't live my own my life?," I shouted. "I'm so sick and tired of you acting like i'm completely out of control. You're my twin skank, not my mum!"
You could tell that made her snap.
"For God's sake, Eden, i'm popular, everyone is gonna assume i'm a slut, there's no way i'm letting you date Asher!"
"You just don't get it, do you? I'm not gonna do anything, Mads, i'm 16 years old!"
"So if Asher shoots up the school are you gonna call the police?"
She was asking stupid questions, so of course I had to sound stupid when I replied.
"You know what, I just might. I trust him," I stormed away, with Manson chasing me. "Sorry, Manny," I sighed, still walking, "she's a pain in the arse. I'll do it. Thank you, I really appreciate it." I walked off.
"Thank you!" He shouted to me.
"I'm leaving Ash," I said, "see ya."
"Wait!" He ran over to me.
"What?"
"Why are you leaving?"
"Nothing, no reason. Can we go to your house? I already told Jo and Jade we're leaving. I don't wanna be here anymore." I grabbed my guitar off the bench.
"Okay, sure, but how are we gonna get there?" He sighed.
"I'll call a cab, just get me out of here." I saw down the road and waved it over.
Once we got to Asher's house, I was shocked to see the amount Nirvana merchandise he had.
"Wow," I smiled, "that's a lot of Nirvana."
He pulled a spliff out of a cigarette box. I dunno what made me say it, okay?!? It just came out.
"Can I try one?" I asked, nervous.
You could easily tell he was surprised I had asked.
"Really? Be my guest," he handed out the box.
"You okay?"
"Yeah, I just needa smoke," I put the spliff in my mouth and almost died of a cough attack. "What the hell, what's in that?" I cleared the smoke out of my face.
"Just weed and nicotine," he laughed, taking it out of my hands. "It brings you more relief than whatever you just had."
A couple minutes later it kicked it. I enjoyed the feeling. It made me feel like I could take on anything. Relaxed. Pleasured. Good. I wanted more. I needed that feeling. It was an amazing feeling.
"Wow," I sighed, trying to gain control of my feelings again. "I- I need more."
He passed on another. Then another. Then another. Eventually I walked home, and everyone was eating dinner. Around this time, the high wore off, and I felt.. Strange. Paranoid. Like someone was following me. Had I smoked too much? Will this happen every time? As I walked in the door, I scurried up the stairs, telling mum and Maddie I had a test tomorrow and I needed to sleep. That's how I got addicted to weed! Nah, i'm takin' the piss. Haha.
But the truth was, something was wrong. Had I been stoned? I had no energy. I didn't feel like doing anything. Then I got really sad. I started thinking about things that normally made me sad, like how my Dad left. I started crying. Something I never do. I never cry. I only get mad and irritated and sometimes a little happy, but I never cry. The worst part about this was that I liked the feeling I had while I was smoking it. I didn't have a care in the world. It was an amazing feeling, and I always wanted to have that feeling. But I knew I couldn't use weed to solve all my problems, because it wasn't like I was isolated from the world or something. People would know. I'm the twin of Maddison Gray, for christ sake, a lollipop! A damn lollipop!
As I laid on my back- facing my ceiling with tears like silver slowly streamed down my face, my mouth just slightly opened, like I was in the middle of sleep paralysis- I started to think. How the fuck would I hide Asher and I's relationship? He was popular. For being feared! For the love of God, everyone I was closely associated with was neither popular or heavily hated with a God awful reputation, and I had to hide everything! So who was I gonna talk to? Huh? I hope you didn't say the school's counsellor. Why, so she can call my Mum? No. Jo and/or Jade? Why, so they can tell Maddie because they're "concerned" for me? I repeat. NO.
Hell. I got nothin! Notta. Zip. Zero. I'm completely FUCKED! But wait! Write a song you say? God, you're right! Pulling out my notebook and guitar I wrote. I wrote, and wrote, and wrote, until I had nothin' left in me. This is a poem- not a song.
marlboro nightmare
writhing
locked down
annihilate
imprison me
sever the binding ties
boxed in
bedsprung
fixed in nothingness
asphyxiating
breathing my own
hurt beyond hurt
its toxicity pains me
breathless and undying
bleeding and broken
torn and weakened
trapped alone
mind wandering
twitching
heart beating
losing control
forgetting reality
forsaking closeness
welcoming the pain
embracing suffering
Man. See? It's amazing what a song can do for ya, don't ya agree, eh? I do suggest songwriting, but you have to make sure you write down exactly how you feel. Yes the song was short but hell, as long as you're getting what you feel out, it doesn't matter. It's amazin'. It's ridiculous. Ridiculous!
For me, real music comes from somewhere else: It's stuff where people put their emotions out there, then take them back. Stuff like Otis Redding singing, "I've been loving you..." and you're, like, "Oh my God," and then he goes, "A little bit too long." And you're, like, "You bastard!" That kind of thing, I love. It draws you in, then, pow! I tend to write best when there's pain there. Actually, I write about everything, honestly. And that's why I write what I write - you can't be too honest. Depends who you are writing about, really. Although it's been years, I'm a daddy's girl, and, apparently, my mother, Hana, is rather proud of my honesty and has driven herself to believe she raised us properly. Unfortunately, she hasn't.
I also got some other songs, like "internalfires" and "fractured." I think my best may be "youlookexactlyhowyoufeel." I've written some pretty good tunes, if I do say so myself.
Here's a thought I often have: who would play me in a documentary? Easy. Liza Minnelli.
This is so strange to me. I've never been in a real relationship before. I'm too selfish. Ha!
The only thing I know about love is that it fuckin' hurts, man!
If I ever came out with an album, I mean, I'll probably genuinely be, like, "I don't care how much I fuckin' sell," but I would. Because that's what the record company would want and, for me, success is being able to work with whoever you want, when you want. That's luxury. And that's a luxury I've been afforded so far. I've been able to make honest music, whenever wherever and i'd kinda like to keep it to myself.
Aubrey and Bailey
I really, really want my cousins to come stay with us. It would be so amazing. I know I could tell Aubrey anything. I mean, they're clearly unhappy with my nan, so they can come live with us. No one has seen their parents in 7 years. Bailey, 13, is like... fucked up mentally. Like, she talks like siri. Literally. Aubrey, 16, is just very depressed. I dunno, we kinda have a strong connection with them, I guess.
17 September
Wednesday
It turns out half the school had been listening to my music on iTunes, because Maddie texted everyone about my "once in a lifetime opportunity" to perform in a fucking pizzeria. Normally shit like this would piss me off, but they actually liked it, so I let it slide. The only thing I didn't actually enjoy was the hundreds of questions people were asking me. "Did you have singing lessons?," "can you teach me?," etc. I think the most offensive one was "is your voice real?." Yes, it's real.
During lunch Asher took his usual seat next to me in the cafeteria.
"So, you can sing, huh?" He took a bite out of his pizza.
"I guess," I sighed. "Why?"
"Nothing," He smiled, and dug out a pack of cigarettes. "You seemed to really like the seven you smoked last night."
I grabbed the cigarette from under the table. I didn't really care about the after effects. It made me feel good.
"Thanks," I smiled. "You didn't have to bring me more."
"So, do you plan on telling people you're mine now?" He scooted closer.
I didn't mean to be rude, but he knew what people would say about me if they found out i'm his girlfriend.
Scooting away, I sighed, "Ash, you know I love you like a brother, but there's no way we can let people know we're together."
He got a sad look on his face.
"Are you ashamed of me?" He frowned.
It took me a couple seconds to answer. Was I?
"No. I just... I don't want people thinking of me the way they think of you."
"I guess I can understand that," before he could finish, the bell rang. "I'm gonna be late. See ya!" He kissed me on the cheek before disappearing into the corridor, completely disregarding the fact that I don't wanna show any PDA.
I saw Maddie, Jillian and Elle sassily walk into their separate classrooms. Maybe one day i'll be the superstar.
The music I add is like a soundtrack to the book...